For those in budding relationships ...

[trying2breathe]

NG and I have a really good time together. We hang out, we go out...it's good. I can get really relaxed and really love him........

 

but then there are times when he does something and I say to myself I can't handle this part of him.

 

so then i wait and see if that feeling disipates and it does

 

What you can't handle about him now - what will this be like in a year?  In five years?  It's a red flag when he dismisses your concerns.  Agree with arneal, have those conversations and suss it out - better to find out now.

[Needytoo]

Last night NG was supposed to go out with the boys to the rifle range. We have talked how it is so important to keep your friends and have hobbies.  He changed his mind and spent the night with me.  This man is so present in the relationship that it blows my mind.  I honestly don't need "gifts" he is my gift.  I just need to check my feelings when he talks about his EX. 

 

I am not sure what advice I can give you Kilm.  My late husband was such a loner.  NG is very outgoing but also says he not a fan of crowds.  I have a few friends that are always late for things and it drives me nuts. I am a person that is always way too early for things (swear I have wasted 1/4 of my life being too early), we are sometimes just different.  If you look at different cultures they are so much different than the Northern American way and much more forgiving when it comes to time.  (my international students are always late for class, drives me insane but this is acceptable behavior in India & China?? ) 

 

I have seen so many people change their personality in large crowds, that darn ego gets in their way. I would say I would think the same as you on that.

 

The Needy part, now that one is hard.  Most of us have a bit of blending in our relationships. We want a partner that is there for us but what the heck do we do when we have to attend to other things but our new relationship also needs us.  That question I have no idea how to answer. 

[Captains wife]

Klim - that's the tough part...when some parts are good but others aren't. Personally I get very upset when an event is important to me and the person I'm dating blows me off. I was dating a guy last summer who stood me and my son up on July 4th and then when we invited him and his kids to our local yacht club family event. It was very important on both those occasions to me that my son and I not be alone. I broke it off shortly thereafter- that was a key reason although admittedly other issues were there and I didn't like him well enough to work it out. The social thing for your NG is probably something that can be worked on from his side - at least he seems to recognize the issue? Time will likely tell if you want to deal with that. In terms of the custody issues, it's too bad that is happening to NG but honestly that's his past and he needs to deal with it. You have a lot on your plate with your son and need support too! He should understand this - and in my opinion, yes support him but you can't be expected to drop everything and be dragged through his messy ex issues. (Sorry part of me is just tired of dealing with divorce related issues - just a personal bias!) You seem to really like this guy so talking to him outright plus time would likely help here.  Wishing you all the best and hope you have a good visit with your son.

[Mrs Reader]

Klim, I am having same doubts. The guy I met when I wasn’t even a full year out, turned out to be quite ok and I have been dating him for what, five months already 

He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly.

My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn`t the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?

[serpico]

My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws?

 

In a nutshell, and not in reference to your situation specifically, this is it. And then when their 'flaws' are noted on a board like this they are immediately picked apart as 'red flags'.

 

I sometimes wonder if a dating widower listed all of their deceased spouse's faults on a dating and instead attributed them to a fictional new interest, how many would be cited as non-negotiable reasons to end things...

[tybec]

He is totally different from my DH, but has interesting new qualities and I do like him. However, god help him if he does a mistake! I don`t argue, I just withdraw and I start to doubt and plan my good bye speech. And this goes on in my head until we meet again and everything turns out ok and I go back to liking him again. He is good at apologizing and discussing, and apparently I like him enough to work things out. But still, it is exhausting to prepare to leave him regularly.

My question is, are we just oversensitive to their flaws? Why is he under my microscope all the time? Because I am secretly comparing him to DH even if I pretend I am not? Or because I am expecting everything to be perfect because I deserve it? Or because I am oversensitive to setbacks because of widowhood? Or maybe he just isn't the right guy? How do I know when I don`t?

 

OH MY!  You nailed  so many of my thoughts/feelings!  I am so glad I am not the only one.  It is so emotional.  I feel so moody and out of sorts about NG, having these kind of thoughts.  And he dated a lot and seems to get my back and forth thoughts.  But it is tiresome to him some, too.  I feel ridiculous at times, like  a teenager with all these thoughts, over thinking.  I want to KNOW it will work, which is all about my need for control, and I can't have it.  My self analysis anyway.

[arneal]

tybec and Mrs Reader -- you bring up an interesting point here about comparisons. I think it may be natural to refer to what we know, which is not necessarily a bad thing. How can we know what we will or will not accept without having something to relate an experience to? However, the problem comes when we cannot find a place of compromise. We all have faults, defects, shortcomings, so do we expect our NGs to be some form of perfect while we are who we are?

 

The thing about 'knowing' is interesting as well. I've read several newsletters (one just yesterday) about how to know if this guy is 'the one' ... interestingly, the last point on the list was 'you just know'. Thanks -- that really helps  : The point that all the articles make about it is, a person is 'the one' when you all have the conversation and declare yourselves a couple. Until that point, you aren't a couple. Period. Yet even with a decision to be a couple does not guarantee that he or she is 'the one'. That's not something anyone can tell, unless they have a crystal ball 

 

tybec -- your comment about feeling like a teenager made me smile because my pretend little brother and I talk all the time about how dating is so junior high. So true.

[arneal]

Happy Monday all -- hope everyone had a nice weekend? Warning -- Junior high moment ahead ...

 

I managed to get NG to my friend for a two-hour massage. I had to laugh because he texted me early Saturday morning about when I'd be done with my things to figure out our time together. I had my volunteer at 8 am then off to the archery range at 10, so I was expecting to be home by 11:30; he said he'd get to my place by about 1-ish, which I took to mean between 1-1:30. However, he rode up at about 12:45. I was just finished tidying and was surprised that he was early  We sat around and chatted for a bit and then headed out. I had a meal already prepped so when we got back I finished cooking and he had two helpings, so I guess I did good  ;D We chatted yesterday morning and I texted him some info that I thought might be helpful (a tech thing I was familiar with) and he texted me back with a thanks and a kiss emoji. Needless to say, I was thrilled. Junior high indeed.

[Mrs Reader]

Arneal, how nice... that sounds so cozy and easy 

I have started to wonder... maybe I am not ready to date after all. Every minor setback or misunderstanding with him sends me back to the deep end of grief. It is unfair to him, I realize that. I can`t expect things to be too smooth betweed two people trying to find out about each other. But I stupidly do!

Maybe I should take a timeout and try again in like hundred years, then I might be more balanced. Sigh.

[trying2breathe]

Two hour massage?  Ahhhhh ....... what a treat!

 

MrsReader  Sorry to hear of the struggles with NG, maybe you're feeling that he's not worth the effort to try and work things out.  The misunderstandings that I've had with NG I did want to work on, and he was receptive to what I had to say.  There were several other guys I dated that I just didn't want to make the effort.  Which gets back to the you just know - I knew from the start that NG was different, I felt more comfortable with him than I had with anybody in a long time.  There are things to be worked on for sure, but I'm willing to try with him because I just know.

[arneal]

So sorry to hear about that, Mrs. Reader. As you see around the different boards, we each have had a different grief journey. Some move on and start creating a new normal fairly quickly while others need more time. Some have a roller coaster ride with grief. There is no saying what that journey will look like from person to person or from day to day.

 

It is often a hard balance between wanting to not be alone and grieving the loss of a husband or wife. Taking a break to come to terms with your own emotion is vital. It is important that you are as whole as you can be before joining with another. There may be days that you aren't so whole, but that's to be expected and something that you can work out as you go along, especially when you can put it into words to explain to that special someone you allow to get close.

[Needytoo]

I totally understand MrsReader, lord help them if they do something wrong. 

 

I know I have "things" that I need to work on. Communicating is one thing. I am so much better with my kids, friends and at work but dammit not so great with it in a relationship.

 

NG has done a few things that felt like my heart was getting ripped out but I just couldn't tell him. For example last week I had the pleasure of having pain from kidney stones.  My kids sure didn't handle it well. Years ago I had an attack, my husband called an ambulance passed the stupid things in the emergency room and then had to call a cab to get home because my husband had a few too many drinks.  I have learned to handle things on my own which I know isn't good if you want to have an intimate relationship.  Although I really didn't want NG to see me in pain, I texted him I was having a few issues and he came to my house and drove me to the hospital. It was different and great having the support. Of course, hanging around the emergency room at 2 am both of us were extremely tired and he had to work the next day. I was stoned on pain meds and I know he didn't exactly say this but all I heard was "I am going to have to leave you soon". My mind flashed back to my former self and I said: "why are you here go home, I can take a cab home". He didn't leave and told me over and over again he is there for me.  That split second where I thought he was leaving ripped my heart right out. 

 

Money is tight for him, because of his separation and he has been making efforts to make things 50/50. This weekend we went to his hunting camp and he said he was going to pay for everything, which he didn't and I did. Another rip at those hearts strings, but do I bring this up to him, no just take the pain. 

 

This week I have lots of friends who are taking me out for my Birthday my week is totally booked except no plans with NG. I can't even tell him, even though he is ripping out my heart I can't say to him hey sorry if you wanted to spend time with me it is all booked up because it might hurt his feelings.

 

Just like MrsReader I am worried that I am just too sensitive to things.

[Mrs Reader]

Oversensitivity, I think that is the thing. And that combined with my changing moods doesn`t make a nice soup.

NG and me, we fixed things up and my feelings went back to their radar. This makes me feel so silly and adolescent, but we agreed that from now on hey, let`s talk about things straight away  :

I will try to relax and just take it easy from now on. At least for a while  ;D

[arneal]

Remember Needy -- you can't dictate his feelings. One weekend off with your friends would hurt him? That's very sensitive indeed if true. You all might need to have a conversation about boundaries ... it is our ability to fend for ourselves in a general sense and to have an ability to keep ourselves entertained that makes us interesting. It is problematic if our new signif's can't handle that we had lives before we met them and continue to have lives afterward.

 

I think there is something inherent in all of us related to communication, but we just don't know how to get it out correctly. I think I shared something that happened a couple of weeks ago. I absolutely adore spending time with NG but try not to be a succubus about it since he works a lot during the week and may want a weekend to himself once in a while. If I don't hear from him, I don't push it; I'll send a text on Monday, wishing him a good week. That weekend, I didn't hear from him and didn't message until closer to the end of the week because my schedule had been a bit crazy. He replied to say he hadn't been feeling well but wished I could have come over. He didn't reach out to tell me that though, so how would I have known? I took soup and such over that next weekend and when I texted to let him know I'd gotten home, he thanked me for taking such good and tender care of him. Last week, I texted some information early on but got no reply. I didn't hear from him on the weekend and went on with things. It was a very emotional Sunday as a young man in our congregation had been killed on Thursday (24 years old, hit by a car ... most of us had not heard) so I was very teary. I posted something on social media and he texted me right away to ask if I was okay. When I explained, he sent a sad emoji, a first. I asked if he'd gotten my messages and he said he'd gotten the first one but not the second and could not reply as he had phone troubles. We are planning Thanksgiving so I expect to reach out to confirm what time he would like me to arrive on Thursday.

 

I know that my way of communicating and his are different and I don't expect him to change it for me. Do I expect that our way of connecting will change with time? If we continue to grow closer, sure. In the meantime, I try to not have too many expectations, except for those I place on myself rather than on him.

 

That's it, MrsReader -- trying to relax and take it one day at a time ... that's about all we can do. Good for you that you all had a conversation about communication though!

[Mrs Reader]

Needytoo, the money issue I understand well. But it seems that at least you have talked about It at some level, if he said he will pay ( and then didn`t :-\). Money is very delicate subject for me, I am avoiding it at all cost (haha, pun intended). I am stable economically, and I suspect that I am better off than he is. We always split everything. And even if I Say to myself that I do not care... dunno.

[duckie]

Hi all,

 

I posted recently about my first NG and thought I'd join you all in this thread.

 

I've realized this week how pessimistic I've become as, soon after sharing my excitement for the NG, I managed to convince myself I was a side-chick and my fun was all over.  And I blame it all on facebook!

 

Social media was not around the last time I was single so this is all so new to me.  I added him last weekend, thinking that was what people do... then immediately got sketched out when I realized I was on a restricted list and couldn't see anything on his page.  With no other indications whatsoever, that alone convinced me that he was hiding something major from me.  I went into research mode and stupidly googled the topic and everything said that was a main sign of cheating.  I figured I was the one he was cheating with.

 

I was singing the death-dirge for this new relationship, but I built up the nerve to ask him what was up with that; turns out I'm not that special as everyone is blocked.  He just doesn't use social media that way and he insisted on showing me his page as he sees it.  We even had a bit of "the talk"; he's not seeing anyone else and he assumed I wasn't either.  So my fun is not over after all; I am feeling secure and I don't have to use the b-word yet to describe him either.  I'm getting my cake and eating it too!

 

The experience did show me however how much I expect the worst.  I had made a story up in my head as to what it "means", without much information.  I think I will have to be careful with negative assumptions.  It's so hard now as my experience has taught me it is going to be the worst-case scenario and any "hope" for a positive outcome is merely lying to myself.

 

Has anyone else had these issues come up where you find yourself a lot less trusting and always assuming the worst?

 

Also, second question; when do the 2-hour massages start?

[Toosoon2.0]

Your post resonated with me.  I'm now stressfully, happily remarried to a widower I met on the old board just over four years ago.  For the first couple of years we were together, we were doing not just long distance but trans-Atlantic/time difference long distance.  I spent a whole lot of time conjuring up worst case scenarios and waiting for the other shoe to drop, working myself up into paranoid frenzies, even though he never gave me any reason to think that way.  I couldn't help it.  After what I'd been through, it took me a long, long time to be able to trust in anything again - not just him but anything at all.  For me, treating it all like a marathon and not a sprint was hard but it was the right thing to do.  It gave me time to work through some of those irrational feelings.  Also, communication, communication, communication!  I grew up in a pretty unforgiving communicationless house so this does not come easy for me but that's what has gotten us through so far.  Good on you for asking him about it.  Our minds can play sneaky tricks on us - most of the time, just asking resolves it, and mostly for the better. 

 

Christine

[klim]

  I had/have some of those trust problems. Some of it I think comes from the unfamiliarity with dating in the new world and also so often everybody will comment on the scammers, the two timers and the cheaters because bad news gets attention. So your're already looking for the suspicious  activity. I try and remind myself there's a whole bunch of guys out there that are just like us ladies trying to make a new connection.

 

Anther thing I've had to fight so that I can enjoy my relationships is self confidence. i doubt they can like me as much as they say and therefore look for the second motive. It was true in my relationship with my husband too, so it's a life long thing that tends to ebb and flow but it does come into trusting that the relationship is real and good.

 

Anyways glad you're back on the "this is fun" track. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

[Virgo]

Yes! Preparing for the worst, doubting, and over thinking.  I haven't even shared about my new guy here yet because I figured it was to soon to be excited.  It's better to be cautiously optimistic. We just passed 3 months. I will say that he's a great guy. Whenever I've had unjustified doubts, my own insecurities, he always shows me that they're just that...unjustified. It's just me over thinking. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and just enjoy his company, which I always do.

 

By the way, the massages started right away with us.

[arneal]

Hi all and hope your Thanksgiving weekend was nice. Mine was slightly disappointing. I am on my tablet so too much to type out with one finger. Next time online will share. In one of those periods of mental struggle.

[trying2breathe]

Has anyone else had these issues come up where you find yourself a lot less trusting and always assuming the worst?

 

Yes, I deal with these issues too.  At about six months with NG I secretly background checked him, thankfully nothing unexpected came up. And I've created a lot in my head that's unreasonable, insecurities crop up and assumptions that something bad is happening. So far all of it unjustified.  Widowhood impacts my relationship more than I could have imagined, and becomes more apparent as time goes on.  NG is patient and caring, and I'm grateful for that.

 

arneal  Hope all is okay ((hugs))

 

[tybec]

Thanks for the threads on this.  I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me.  Every time something wouldn't go right with NG, in my head, not between us, I jump to we are not right for each other and play the breakup plan in my head. I question if he and I are not right, if I don't get dating after 28 years, the uncertainty of life in general.  I read relationship articles to give me a sense of "normalcy."  NG was in security forces in the Air Force, so he gave me his linkedin account immediately to let me know he is who he is.  So, it is not that.  It is all the integration for lives that I don't know how to do, and then, do I WANT to?

 

Thanksgiving was good, great and then confusing.  NG and I both flew to Texas.  Spent separate Thanksgiving days as his family and mine had dinner at the same time.  Attempts to get together didn't work that day due to my host/family and their schedule.  So, we spent two days seeing sites and that was fun.  But then an opportunity came up to have dinner at my family's Sat. but he planned to meet his high school bestie out for dinner before.  He didn't adjust.  My family is asking if we are serious and I am saying "yes" and then he is choosing to see his long best friend instead of adjusting his schedule to meet more of my family.  To be fair, he has met my 3 brothers, my mother before she died.  But I have a tight little family I value though we don't see each other often anymore.  So my overthinking went to we are not serious enough to meet my family.  We did all these things together, and he didn't ask for pics together to post, although he posts all day about his boys.  Why?  Doesn't want us seen together because of the ex. That is crazy, as she has seen me with her children, now.  I don't know.  It is a mess of the mind for sure.

 

Glad I am not the only one....

 

Hugs Arneal.  This is hard.

 

 

[klim]

About posting pictures..... I don't post all that often on facebook, but even when I do I don't post together pictures.......and yet I'm in a good relationship at the moment.  Previously  I was in another relationship  for 3 years( which was pretty good for most of the time)....and only posted a together picture twice over that whole time.

 

My reasons were that I was sensitive that pictures of me with my NG would be a painful reminder of loss for a lot of people( my inlaws, my sons)  . The first new guy said he didn't post because he was sensitive to his ex and in a way I liked that becaus it showed he was a sensitive guy. Also, I must say when my cousins ex started posting new relationship pics I thought it was a little disrespectful to my cousin. I know their old relationship was over but when there is captions like "the best thing that ever happened to me"...., it's like salt in a wound.

 

So  I don't know the reasons your BF doesn't post but I actually respect some of the reasons for not posting.

 

[arneal]

Thanks, trying. So sorry to hear about the weirdness, tybec. And those relationship article people say women are peculiar  :

 

So I think I posted that my coming to NGs house for Thanksgiving was sort of an expectation ... he just sort of asked me if I was coming I had already decided what I was making and he told he and his daughter were making. It sounded like a family day and he seemed happy about it all. The day before, something changed; I saw a very negative post on social media about family. I texted to ask if he was okay and he said he was. I asked about what time he wanted me to come. When I got there, I found out that his daughter had decided to go to her mom's (and grandparents -- her mom lives with her parents). It was the two of us  and I think he was okay with it in the end. He decided to cook a chicken but his stove wasn't working properly, so he was a bit anxious about that. He had planned to visit one of his friends from home who lives in Southern California the day after. I know he was not happy with the way the chicken turned out (it didn't get done until after 8 but we were already pretty full after eating appetizers and what I had brought) so I invited him to my house sometime over the weekend because I was making mac and cheese and a prime roast. I texted when I got home to tell him to ride safely and let me know he was all right (holiday traffic is not always kind to bikers). I figured I wouldn't hear from him until Sunday. In the end I didn't hear from him, which made me sad. I sent a text last night to let him know I missed him and he responded with kiss emojis, which he didn't used to do.

 

But none of that was what caused the issue; I got up yesterday to find my fridge on the fritz. I rushed to put everything in my backup freezer and am praying the reset will have the fridge working again. Otherwise, I will need to call in for repairs; I have appliance insurance but am on the edge with my finances as I just bought tickets to go see my mom back east for Christmas. That's a great point, klim -- thanks for sharing it. I am working up the nerve to ask NG for a photo together before I go to see my mom as she is just dying to know what he looks like

 

It's always something. The stress of the weekend got me down for sure.

 

I think the other thing that gets me down is that NG doesn't reach out when he's feeling low and I wish he would. We all handle sadness differently, so this is totally a 'me' thing. If the opportunity arose for us to spend more time together, I would. I even spent Friday clearing out more junk in closets and other spaces should the opportunity ever present itself.

 

In the end, it is fortunate that my friends down the block went to Vegas; I am co-dog sitting so I have been going back and forth between our houses to make sure her babies are okay. It's kept me occupied enough not to be too irritated or sad.

 

Well, back to the grind today, right?

[tybec]

Thanks, KLIM, for the response about pictures.  This media stuff is ridiculous but our world.  Maybe NG is being respectful or at least, doesn't want it on line and his ex use it in court in some way.  He worries about all that.  He did post we are in a relationship, and NO IN LAW responded to acknowledge it.  But I am going on 6 years.  When it is okay?  Anyway..... I hate pictures, so there is that, too.  Vanity.  Not pretty.....

 

Arneal, sorry for the confusing weekend you had also.  It is hard, especially if dating exclusively.  When it is assumed you do things together, communicate often and openly and are a COUPLE?  I guess that is the communication part.  Figure out what that means to you both.  But I get it!