For those in budding relationships ...

[StillWidowed]

I met a guy on an online dating site.  We hit it off and began dating.  I was still dating other men in the meantime as we hadn't had "the talk" yet.  I enjoyed his company and felt he was growing on me.  Yet something continued to nag at me.  Well as our dating continued, we eventually agreed to date exclusively and take down our profiles.  He had to go to NYC over a weekend and we stayed in touch.  When he got back, I felt the slightest shift in our relationship.  I decided to follow my gut and got back on the dating site to look.  Sure enough.  There he was, only he'd changed his username, his location and his pics.  So yeah, he took his profile down, just to put a new one in it's place.  I immediately confronted him and kicked him to the curb.  He liked me alright, he just didn't want any other guy dating me while he continued to troll for chicks. No more wasting time like I did on the last douchebag.  We know when something doesn't feel right. Follow your instincts and listen to your gut.  You know when someone isn't into you like they need to be. 

[marriedwithkids77]

[tybec]

OH, communication.  The holy grail.  Just asked NG.  Put it out on the table.  We are FB official, as he did that in early Nov.  He has pics he has not downloaded as I asked why he didn't post, his ex?  NOPE, he says he gets to have a life, so that is not it.  Just has not gotten to it.  Plans for the future, yep.  Talking about what we are doing for Christmas as his mother wants to know when she should plan to leave depending on our plans.  So, it is coming together.  I told him the holidays are rough for me and I needed contact and support.  He noted it all and seems to have stepped up.  I was in court Tues. for my mother's probate of her will.  He would have come, but he just was off for Thanksgiving and he took the new job in April, so not a lot of time accrued.  It is my insecurities.  My over thinking.  My trying to figure out how an almost 2 year relationship looks with 3 children involved versus a simple marriage of 21 years of high school sweethearts.  Just different.

 

As always, appreciate feedback. My guy is doing okay with me, but I do need to talk it out versus play it in my head....

[arneal]

Glad things are smoothing out a bit, tybec. It's about our experiences as you allude to -- you had a 21-year marriage that started when you were young, which certainly creates a certain feeling about relationships. I was committed/married for a total of about 25 years over both; the first was a tough nine that ruined my trust in humanity and the second was a much easier 16 that restored it. However, my ability to be completely open and communicate well never developed. NG admits he was hopeful about his first (from which his children came) but it created bitterness and the second created mistrust. We both dance around the fear that either of us might be what we'd already had, the 'bad' of what we already had ... We are now a year and a half since our first date and have grown very much closer since those first dates, yet like cats afraid of our own shadows, we still don't have any 'us' conversations. I have been planning what I want to say the next time we see each other, particularly since my mom is after me for a photo still  ;D

[klim]

Arneal each to their own and everybody at their own pace but I'm rooting for you to have an "Us "conversation. Go Arneal go!!

[arneal]

Thanks klim! I need all the cheerleading because I am working on it and welcome the support!!!

[trying2breathe]

arneal  Rooting for you too on that "us" conversation - you got this!

 

tybec  Glad that things are working out right now, it's difficult for me also to not overthink - although I'm trying hard to just let things happen as they may and take it from there. 

 

The holidays are here again, so hard to believe.  I find myself slowing down and getting into what I call pajama mode as it's been difficult lately for me to get much done.  If NG weren't around, like those early days I'd spend much of the day if I could in pajamas doing not much more than existing.  At four years out, the holidays are still difficult.  I'm happy in a new relationship but feel sad knowing that this holiday and all those going forward will be different. My kids are coming home soon and we will carry on with family traditions but my heart feels heavy.  Hoping that this cloud passes soon.

[arneal]

Thank you, trying2 -- I am sorry you are feeling low. I too have been in pj mode, but it's been because I am comfy in my space. I have had several dreams and LH was in them, but it seemed more strange than sad. I didn't dream of him early on but these last several months he's been there as if he hadn't died. I have my moments of feeling guilty that I don't think of him more often. I have moments that I appreciate having my house and my time to myself, especially when I just come and go, doing whatever I like.

 

I have NGs gift already wrapped and tucked in the closet. I don't know if I will see him this weekend but would like to. We'll see. I have my volunteer tomorrow morning and archery lesson in the afternoon. It will be what it is, but I am still working on my 'Hey -- come here and take a photo with me' speech  ;D ;D ;D

[arneal]

Hi, all -- been quiet around here lately. Is everyone still on Thanksgiving food hangover or out shopping until they drop? 

 

Time is flying and as I get closer to leaving to see my mom, I continue to plan how to get this photo ... We had a great conversation last weekend, not about photos but I mentioned that the end of November was a year and a half since our first date. We had a 'I am not going anywhere' conversation around that. Funny -- my play little brother offers wise counsel; he mentioned that some guys are shy about expressing their feelings and it sounds like NG is one of them. Doesn't make things easy to figure out, but I am glad to have him to bounce things off of regularly to get a male perspective.

 

Hope everyone is doing okay out there!

[tybec]

Arneal,

 

I post and feel like I monopolize the board.  Anyway....

 

Back from Thanksgiving, surviving.  New town, mother's death one month today.  Moody, sad, introspective.  Went to hometown last week to see friend's daughter in lead of Annie.  Ran into friends of my son and parents.  Had dessert with friends and my son's bestie gal pal.  Made me miss all the connections we left. Miss the people, not other things.

 

NG and I are figuring out the holidays, time together.  When we are together, it is really good.  When we are apart, I over think it all.

 

We have been dating for 21 months.  Crazy.  His circumstances are not changed.  I have no idea how it will come together.  I was moody and have told him so.  I am fickle, then, and told him so. I joked about a dress to wear when we marry.  I told him on the 6 weeks of dating I was wife material, and he knows it.  He joked about my dress, stating 2028 is the yr!  This is when his youngest will turn 18.  It hit me wrong in my moodiness.  I was upset.  I went to a military dinner with him last night, and then we talked later at his home.  I told him  I wasn't hanging around for a decade to marry.  He said he was joking.  I told him he knows I know we are not promised tomorrow.  He  agreed. 

 

I just don't know about this late dating in life.  I know I was young to date and then marry, but I had no doubts.  I just KNEW and was willing to do the work.  I know there was luck, grace, etc., as many start out the same way and it doesn't last.  But I can't shake the feeling and thoughts that I knew what I wanted and made the commitment.  He said to me, "You are not going anywhere.  I am not going anywhere."  So practical.  Sound familiar, arneal.   

Rambling.

 

Those of you that took the leap and are now under the same roof, I am inspired and amazed.  Fortunate for you!  I will keep giving myself time to sort through it all.  New job in Jan. ! Another new thing!

[arneal]

tybec -- monopolize away ... that is what we are all hear for (no misspell --  ). I am glad you were able to express yourself and that at this stage in your connectedness your NG took it as he did. My NG and I spend a day together a week generally, so even though it's been a year and a half, his work and my work -- keeping the bills paid, keeping a roof over the head -- takes priority.

 

However, I smiled at your comment about being marriage material early on ... my NG trusted me early, more so than anyone I've ever met. He has had some difficult experiences and the thought of ending up homeless is a fear of his. I get it as I struggle too. He is an introvert and so am I, so we both value our solitary space but enjoy togetherness too. It's weird. We dance around this relationship business and the steps seem to get more and more intricate ... One thing I've noticed is that he struggles between wanting compliments and accepting them; from what I understand, he's never gotten many. I am glad to see he's getting better at accepting them from me. My mom gave me an 'in' on the photo thing yesterday. She asked me if 'my friend' wanted to come visit with me, so I texted him about it; we actually already talked about him going because his sister lives not far from my mom but with him being the new guy on the job he figures he'll be on call during the holidays. However, I can ask for a photo in lieu of having him there for my mom to see.  : ;D

 

Rambling, indeed ...

[Needytoo]

Hello everyone, sorry I haven't posted in a while.  College strike is over and I have been putting in the long hours. 

 

My birthday has come and gone, and NG didn't make a fuss but he did bring me out for supper on that weekend which was very nice.  His ex-wife is still denying him access to the kids and I am trying to be supportive. He needs to vent a lot about this and I do understand it, but I will love the day where I don't have to hear about her anymore.

 

I am communicating slightly better about splitting things more on a 50/50 split. 

 

NG loves to talk about our future when we are living together.  I like this but then I think about marriage, really not sure about wanted to be married to a man who will have to pay his ex till she is retired.  I am having a huge no effing way feeling that my money is going to go to her.  Will have to wait and see what happens during the divorce.

 

I still haven't updated my facebook about being in a relationship.  Maybe once his divorce is final. 

 

Break is over now back to my huge pile of marking.

[arneal]

Hey, Needy - good to see you and glad the strike is over. I am counting the days until break; one of the places I work is off from the 21st until the 3rd. I have no classes until later in January at the second and Christmas day and New Year's day off from the third but thankfully there are no assignments to mark which means I will check into the classroom here and there while I am at my mom's.

 

I hear you about the $ thing. LH got finalized his divorce after we were together. I bought the house in my name only. Cars too. His ex had no claim. Fortunately she did not get alimony - they had been legally separated for almost 12 years by then. LH and I kept our bank accounts separate and taxes as well just in case she got any ideas down the line. I am sure you and your NG will work it out.

 

Quiet weekend here. Had a good day, did some cooking, and am watching my dogs sleep while I binge on tv. Will go see NG tomorrow as it is too windy for him to come my way. Plus he has ridden on his bike tires until they are probably not safe for more that a trip to the corner store and back if that.

 

Hope everyone is having a good day!

[Virgo]

I'm beginning to think my guy wasn't ready to date so soon after his break up. He's starting to pull back. He started seeing me less. He doesn't mention the next time he'll see me or what my plans are for the next day like he did before. We talked about it last Saturday when we were together.  He said he's just overwhelmed with everything right now. Dealing with the ex girlfriend dropping by, end of the month inventory and taxes at work, long hours, possible plant transfer or new job, his new house, finances on his own, domestic duties on his own, etc. He said it probably sounds like a lot of excuses not to see you, but it's not. I always want to see you. We talked about being exclusive and more than likely just seeing each other on the weekends for now. Great talk! Yesterday I asked him if we were getting together today. He said he wasn't feeling well. If he felt as bad today he wasn't going to see me. I just felt like he brushed me off all week as far as seeing me. After we hung up I started thinking about it. I couldn't call him because I was on my way to my daughter's choir concert. I texted him...I feel like I'm back to where I was before our talk Saturday...confused. He said, "why's that?" I said, "You say you want to see me, but we never see each other. " He told me the same thing he did last Saturday. Overwhelmed, things are weighing on him. So, I've decided not to initiate. I'll let him come to me, or not. I'm trying to be patient, because maybe he us in a post break up funk and overwhelmed by everything, but I'm not going to wait forever. He's a great guy, so definitely worth waiting a bit to see.

[klim]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

virgo, I'm perhaps overly patient but if you have a good time with this guy I would see if this overwhelmed stage fades as he adjusts to the dating mode.

Meanwhile on my homefront.....

My sons were born on Dec 10 and Dec 12th, so it was their Birthday weekend. They are both away at University but I went and collected them so we could have a family dinner. I had told NG that I was going to be doing birthday with my boys ,sort of gave him a warning because he is ( as mentioned previously) a little clingy and "the weekends are our time"

On friday older son told me his girlfriend wanted to join in for the dinner,so I said cool and  then decided if that was he case, I would ask NG to join as well.

He got them both gifts and we had a nice dinner out all together.

The real interesting part of the weekend was Sat night after we got back home sfter the dinner . Sons were both home, Sons girlfriend stayed over and I decided NG could stay too. it was very weird. There were 5 people staying over .....usually I'm by myself.In the morning everyone was milling around , getting coffee and tea. it was just strange. It felt awkward and yet verging on Ok. I'm trying not to overthink things and just let things happen but some times that is difficult.

 

ps I was feeling pretty good about NG this week as I crashed my car last sunday,(brakes on the highway appear very suddenly .....my reaction time not so good) I was totally ok  my car not so much. Anyways he came and rescued me and has lent me a car for the time being.....See he may be clingy but his heart is in a good place

[arneal]

Hey Virgo -- that's a tough situation all round. Rooting for you {{{hugs}}}

[StillWidowed]

Oh boy....I may get some flack for this but here goes.  I don't have nearly as much patience as many of you on here.  I know when a guy is into me and when he isn't.  No more listening to excuses or lies.  No more having my words or needs twisted and made to make me feel guilty for wanting what I deserve.  No more wondering if I'm going to see him or not on the weekend.  When I dated the douchebag, I was still very vulnerable.  I let him jack me around way too long.  Lesson learned and lots of healing later, fuck that.  I'm ready for a mutually fulfilling relationship filled with love, respect, trust, and care.  And if that doesn't come along, then I'm going to enjoy life anyway!  A man won't dictate whether or not my life is full or happy.  I will determine that.

[arneal]

Well-said, SW and I fully concur. I was talking to my (adopted because we are close like that) sister last night; she met her husband online and it took three years for them to get to a place where they were ready to talk about marriage. It settled me to hear that because they are a great couple and it made me think about how different it is to build relationship via technology. I live in a very large area -- in Southern California, living close to someone means they are within an hour's drive sometimes LOL. It is not what I am used to; I saw the first husband every day before we connected. I worked with LH every day before we got close to one another. This thing with NG is worth it to me so I am willing to figure out the ways to connect.

 

One interesting way that we have developed a new connection just this weekend is through online gaming. He started playing a multiplayer game on his tablet and got me curious; I asked a few questions and this past weekend he explained a good bit of it to me when I was at his place. I commented that it would give me a good excuse for reimaging one of my computers to play it on there instead of on a phone or tablet; I think he thought I was probably just talking. I sent him a photo yesterday of my game play on the computer. He texted last night and was so impressed by how far I'd leveled up ;D This morning I see he had invited me to be part of his group of players, even though I'd only been involved in the community one day. It will give us something to do, even when we can't be face to face. Silly maybe, but just right for two nerds  ;D

[Virgo]

If the feelings are mutual, the effort is equal. That's why I decided not to contact my guy. I haven't heard from him since Saturday. I just wondered if it was because of his recent breakup, but either way he's obviously not wanting to see me. I already have plans for this weekend.

[Virgo]

Well...right after I posted my response he texted me. We'll see what happens.

[arneal]

What a roller coaster, eh Virgo? I try not to reach out but end up doing so. I think in my NGs case he feels back when he can't come to me. I don't care about that. Interesting though that we are now connected in this virtual world -- he had no problem calling me sweetie in the public chat as our avatars ran around in separate areas, questing LOL!

[trying2breathe]

I agree also with SW's response, I try to live a full life and don't rely on happiness solely from a love interest.  virgo - sounds like you're doing your thing and that's great!

 

klim  Sorry to hear about your accident, and hope you're feeling okay.  Love that NG came through for you in your time of need    his heart certainly is in a good place!

 

arneal  How fun to be gaming with NG!  Makes for a whole new dimension in getting to know him!

 

Things here are good - I finally admitted last week to NG that he was my boyfriend, we've had conversations about this since spring when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  Funny that he says now the label isn't so important, he wanted to be exclusive which we've been for the last six months or so.  Not sure why the words boyfriend/girlfriend were hard to say for me, it does seem juvenile at our ages to be calling ourselves this.  The sentiment is good though, and I'm not freaking out about the newly determined status - somehow it's elevated the relationship just a bit although nothing else has changed.

 

I'm happy to have my kids coming soon for the holidays, they'll be here for almost 3 weeks.  NG's daughters are arriving too, and because the kids will be here NG and I will be backing off from our regular routine and not spending as much time together.  I've not met his girls yet, he's met my kids just once.  At some point we hope to introduce the kids, should be interesting  ;D

[Virgo]

Arneal...gaming with your NG should be fun! My over thinking causes the roller coaster. I was confident in my relationship with Phil. We were solid, stable. I miss that stability. I just need to remember I had 22 years to build that. Just take one day at a time.

 

T2B- It is funny to have labels at this age. I still refer to my guy as...the guy I'm seeing.

 

I'm going to share a little about myself since we're all talking about kids and Christmas. It made me wonder about ages and the different challenges, perspectives. I'm 42. I have three daughters, 18, almost 16, and 10. My 15yo's birthday is the 29th. My NG is also 42, never married, no kids. He has met my girls. He helped with our Halloween party, and then we spent a Sunday afternoon at his house. My oldest and youngest enjoyed spending time with him. My middle daughter doesn't like the idea of me dating at all. Well except for one particular guy, family friend. We've had several conversations about that and me dating in general. I always tell her that her feelings are valid, as are mine. I give her different perspectives. She has come a long way since I first started dating. I'm not pushing her to spend time with him, just exposing her in very small amounts. Dating with kids is tough.

[arneal]

Thanks for sharing, Virgo -- I am 48, one son (22) with special needs, been married twice and widowed twice. I married men older than me; I was 30 when the first husband died at 42, 46 when the second husband died at 62. It's been a need for intellectual stimulation that made me look to those older than me; I had not met anyone my age (except once when I was about 19 and he was around 22 or so ... a 'one who got away' story there!) back then. NG however is 53 so we have more life things in common which makes it nice too. He has two daughters in their 20s; he has been estranged from the older of the two because of issues with his ex and he and his younger daughter share an apartment. I've met her and her boyfriend and NG has met my son.

[klim]

I'm 55 , my sons are 19 and 21 and go away to Uni but still basically live here. So when they are away I have the house to myself and then when they're home we share the space.....and yes my interactions with NG change depending on whose home. Younger son struggles with anxiety and depression , so I'm  especially sensitive to his moods.

 

I'm dating a younger  man ( he's 53 )lol....he has 5 kids from his 30 year marriage ranging from 16 to 27. None of them live with him.

 

And yes I believe where we are in life and who we have to look after or deal with totally figures in to how we move forward...as does our personalities.