LH's family judgement

[PeaceLoveLinny]

It's been ten months post loss and I'm seeing someone.  I never went out looking for a relationship, nor did I even consider I would be ready for one, but it just sort of happened.  I'm happy.  I have tried to be respectful of my LH's family and not flaunt or openly discuss my new relationship, but in a small town, people are quick to find out everything. 

I knew the day would come.  I knew judgement would be there.  I didn't expect adults to be so petty as to post underhanded comments and hurtful, passive-aggressive messages on social media. 

I know people grieve differently, and I'm trying hard to consider that as I process the hurtful things that are being said.  I'm sure they feel hurt, confused, possibly even betrayed; but I lived up to every promise I ever made.  I loved my husband, and he loved me.  We had a wonderful relationship and had 3 beautiful children.  I was 100% committed and faithful 'til death do us part.  Death happened.  I can't change that. 

So I guess moving forward isn't a luxury afforded to widows in the eyes of some.  Get a divorce? Sure, go ahead and date again.  Lose a spouse?  Sit around in misery for the rest of your life. 

I don't get it.

Anyone else going through something similar or have any thoughts/ideas/advice? 

 

[Portside]

 

Anyone else going through something similar or have any thoughts/ideas/advice?

 

 

Yeah - ignore it. You can't live your life according to everyone else's ideas. Also, FB and social media (even here!) is not real life. Immature folks will be shitty online but possibly better in person. So, make an effort to remain decent to the Grandparents.

 

Fear may be what is driving the crap. The Grands may fear losing out on visits from your kids since you have a new beau.

 

Good luck - Mike

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Lindsay,

 

I was in a somewhat similar situation after the loss of my first husband.  I wasn't in a small town, but we did live in the same town as my IL's.  I met the man who became my second husband when I was 6 months out.  It was also a long distance relationship.  After we met and quickly established a very deep connection, I told my SIL and BIL first.  I kept the disclosure low-key and didn't add many details.  A few weeks later, I was visiting my MIL and she mentioned hoping that her divorced daughter, unmarried 30+ granddaughter and I would find good men to make us happy.  So...I casually told her I had unexpectedly met someone.  She was pretty shocked, but I kept it low-key.  I told her he would be coming back to my area of the country in several weeks.  She did not wish to meet him.

 

I made a point to keep my disclosures quite limited.  I knew his family was grieving.  His family never came back to my home after my husband died.  My MIL chose to pretend her son was on vacation for quite awhile.  If she didn't see his home without him, she could continue to pretend. 

 

When my relationship deepened very quickly and John and I decided that I was going to move half-way across the country, both my family and my first husband's family were stunned.  I tried very hard to respect the grief of my husband's family and the lack of understanding on the part of my own family.  I did not have any children in the picture, so that complicating factor wasn't present in my situation.

 

We had the unveiling of my husband's gravestone a couple of days after the one year anniversary of his death. (It was delayed because they broke the first stone.)  I stood at the cemetery with his family, completely broken down in grief.  The next day, the moving van came, loaded up what furniture I hadn't given away, and I drove off toward my new home.  It was all pretty emotional for everyone, but I knew that the past was no longer my life.

 

Since you live near his family and you have children, I hope you can sustain relationships with his family.  Recognize that other people grieve, too, and they aren't necessarily ready for what they see happening with you.  Be as discreet as you can be for awhile.  If there is a family member who is able to converse with you about this topic, share the combination of emotions.  Let them know you miss your husband, too.  Perhaps someone can reassure his family that you truly do grieve, however, you have come to the understanding that life is short and precious and you value loving relationships.  You aren't replacing your husband or your children's father.  But...your heart has grown and you have let someone new in.

 

I married my second husband when I was 18 months out and he was 14 months out from losing his wife.  My MIL and FIL met him about 15 months after we met at a neutral location and again a year later.  My MIL (FIL was slipping with Alzheimers) decided she liked my new husband.  I continued to keep contact with her and visited a few times a year (I lived 1600 miles away).  I saw my MIL the day before my second husband died.  She was one of the first people I called after I found out he died.  We are not excessively close, but I still maintain contact with her.

 

So...advice?  Be kind to your IL's.  Respect their grief, too.  But...you still need to live your own life.  As far as advice on the children, I will leave that to those who have that kind of experience.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maureen

[Trying]

I had some very mixed reactions when I started telling people about my post widow relationship. It also started unexpectedly when I was less than a year out and I kept it secret for several months. My kids and my MIL had the worst reactions, my sister was not supportive but mostly kept her thoughts to herself, my mom, SIL and FIL were very supportive. I never had to deal with social media bullying but dealt with a lot of guilt and hurt.

 

My MIL and kids have since come around and we are now engaged and living together. As respectful I thought I was being to my kids and my in laws about not forcing my relationship on them, it didn't matter. Their grief dictated their reaction and they were more comfortable with the lonely tortured widow I was in the early months, someone they could pity, than they were thinking about me being a human with needs for companionship and intimacy. I wish I had been able to let there reactions roll off my back but it was really quite difficult. Thankfully it has passed as I hope and expect it will for you too.

[PeaceLoveLinny]

Their grief dictated their reaction and they were more comfortable with the lonely tortured widow I was in the early months, someone they could pity, than they were thinking about me being a human with needs for companionship and intimacy.

 

You put in to words here what I could not.  Thanks for sharing.

[Forgottenwife]

I have to say - live your life. We are always judged on whatever we do, as widows and mothers and women. No matter what, someone will think they have the 'correct' answers for our lives. I worried a little about my kids and made sure to keep the communication open with them. everyone else? My parents, my siblings, my in-laws, the neighbors - if they started to object to me living my own life, I just coolly gave them a half smile and walked away. I understand everyone is grieving, but you get to make your own decisions about your life just as they do. I was judged for dating, judged for staying home and lonely for too long, I got a job too soon while my kids were grieving, for staying in our home, and then years later when I finally sold it. Seems I couldn't do anything right for some people, including my dating habits!

 

Adults posting passive aggressive stuff on social media? Insensitive and crappy to behave that way. I had the same experience. It was awful, some people are just really mean. I'm sorry that is happening to you.

 

 

[tybec]

I didn't date for a long time. I wasn't ready.  My MIL was always helping, kind of took on the role of my DH as far as helping with child care.  But, then I realized if I wanted to move forward, I had to change my relationship with her. I quit my career of 19 yrs. and was able to care for my son, and this started the changes with her.  She didn't like it.  I felt for almost 4 years my DH was just deployed.  He worked withe 160th Special Ops.  I finally let go more and more of MIL.  She had attended our church and so we would sit with her.  I just always felt like it was me, my mother, MIL and son.  My pastor even commented on my team DS.  I started dating and didn't feel the need to share with her for a while.  She was so positioned in my life, it was uncomfortable.  I know it has been hard on her, but she was smothering me and I couldn't just start dating and incorporate her into my new world.  We have not been close for almost 2 years and she is moving to where she has 60 plus relatives within 20 mile radius.  I am moving now, too. She was surprised!  Uh, we have been dating over a year long distance.

 

So, even if you wait a long time, you mess up the role you play, the "system" that has developed.  There is just no perfect way to not have some folks have adjustments, opinions and maybe be hurt.  I admire those that keep a close relationship with the ILs but I think that is the exception more than the rule.

 

Good luck with it all.

[Guest nonesuch]

My late husband had an okay relationship with his siblings, but not especially close. When he talked to anyone in his family, it was because HE made the effort to call them. 

 

I tend to keep info about myself to a minimum because I view a lot of things as nobody's else's business.  I had a dating profile up about six months after LH's death. I went on my first date about nine months after his passing. I only wanted to make sure, in my own mind, that a new person in my life wasn't just going to be a human band-aid over the loss, someone that I'd dump when I was feeling better.  That being said: 

 

If you had a good relationship with your spouse, or even a great one, it's perfectly reasonable to want that connection again. It's reasonable that you would have an optimistic outlook about being in a relationship again. "Being married to Phil was so great, I want to see if I could have something like that, again" probably isn't going to cut it with these folks, but it's all I can think of.

[Captains wife]

Sorry you are having to face this on top of everything else. While my inlaws are ok with me dating, my MIL isn't comfortable with a new man in my young son's life. I wanted to invite NG to my sons party but I kindly ran it by her first - and she really gave me a hard time. Now I don't tell her anything and I don't post pics of him and my son or the 3 of us on FB. I hear you - divorced and it's ok to move on but widowed and we need to be alone. Ugh.

[pandySC]

Thank you for this thread! I am nearly 5 years widowed now and am only just realizing that I've been quite smothered by my MIL. It was just so easy to do. My NG asked me why that relationship was important to me to maintain and I couldn't come up with an answer besides not wanting to dissapoint her. I feel part guilty for wanting distance from her but I have been unsuccessful trying to mix my MIL and NG. I tried dropping hints that I needed distance like not accepting every invitation to dinner and not being as "on-call" but it's not happening. She's just trying harder to keep me close. I'm not quite sure what to say except that I need distance to continue healing and enjoy this next chapter. Propably would have been easier now if I had kept distance from the beginning but we had lived with her for the year before he passed so a close relationship was already established.

 

 

[Sirin]

Thank you for this thread, this is something I am also worried about.  I started dating 5-6 months in, and unexpectedly met someone I am very happy with right now (and by now we have been dating almost 6 months).  I don't post anything about it on Facebook, and only told a few people after a couple of months of dating.  My sister and my mom are supportive, but I don't think my MIL and other family would handle it well.  Right now my plan is basically to not bring it up or talk about dating at all (unless they ask, and then I'll answer, but I am not looking forward to the potential emotional fallout).

[pandySC]

My MIL and SIL would avoid the dating topic when I first brought it up. I think that's why it feels uncomfortable now that it's a serious relationship. I think you're on the right track @Sirin. Do what feels right for you.

[Captains wife]

First of all, I am very happy you met someone. Your points, too, are right on - get divorced or separated ? OK to move on - but widow/widower dating "too soon" = not grieving (which is not true - you can grieve and date someone else). It really bothers me when family/friends pass judgement if they think we have "moved on" too soon. I took a year and a half out after my LH's sudden death (partly because I was dealing with a 9 month old baby) and then went on a dating frenzy. Lots of ups and downs.

 

Interestingly, my MIL was ok with ME dating but is crazy about the thought of another man around our son - it really gives her anxiety. Interestingly, if things were the other way around, she would have been fine for my husband to move on and remarry quickly (which I am sure he would have as he needs to be around someone). I am 5 years out and still on my own - although I am now dating someone. But to keep the peace, I don't integrate my dating life with my inlaw life (when I tried to invite a male friend and his kids to my sons birthday party one year, I got a huge guilt trip) and I don't post pics of me and him and my son on FB, even though we spend a lot of time with the 3 of us.

 

Please do whatever makes you happy - you have been through hell with this early loss and deserve to be happy. I am sad and angry about my LH's death but it also taught me a very valuable life lesson - that life can be short and I really want to be happy in the remaining years I have left.

 

Wishing you all the best,

 

 

[klim]

I have only had support and encouragement........and yet I still worry.

 

Good luck with this ...emotions are tricky things to navigate.

[Guest Metv]

The only thing that matters is your happiness to yourself. Being happy is what it's all about. Good for you !

[arneal]

Lindsay -- so sorry to hear of these added difficulties. My prickly issue is my LH's daughter. So, I've been widowed twice; first time when I was very young (my son's father) and then last year from my second husband. LH was open about not wanting me to be that sad widow, sitting round, not connecting to the world. He had been sick for a long time and we both knew it was a matter of time even though neither of us voiced it. Before he died, he told me that he didn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. He even told my pastor that his biggest fear was that I wouldn't try to meet anyone else. I was so surprised to know that he had considered my happiness in this way. Anyhow, I was ready to explore dating just a couple of months after he died because I'd started mourning a year earlier when he'd been hospitalized and given a 50% of survival; after that, it was doctor's visits every week, wheelchair bound, oxygen, surgery toward dialysis (he didn't live long enough to get on it ... the issue was his heart just was no longer strong enough to run everything), and so on. I met NG about four months after LH died and we are still together as it were. I told a few people close to me the first time we went out (more for safety reasons than anything else). I told my mom, who was thrilled and still is. I told I think one person in LH's family, who is about my age and has also been widowed more than once. She gets it. I finally told my son toward the end of last year (he is 22, is on the autism spectrum and lives in semi-independent living) and he was thrilled. LH's daughter is an only child as well like me and my son but I think she feels guilty because she didn't keep in touch with her dad. Plus she is more of a stereotypical daddy's girl She is 30 and still calls him daddy (I know a number of women older than her who use mommy and daddy, but even as an only child I wasn't brought up that close to my parents. They kept feelings pretty close to the vest so it's tough for me to get). He's been gone like a year and a half and she has a photo of him and her when she was really little as her social media photo. She hasn't changed it. I have only hinted at having a friend but she feels it should be platonic; one time a while ago I mentioned this 'friend' had offered to repair something around the house but I didn't want to ask since he'd have to get dirty. Her response was that since I have two bathrooms in the house I could ask him to do it and then could let him take a shower, but I wasn't allowed to have him in my bedroom to use the master (!). Right. She mentions him at random times when we talk because she calls still to check on me and occasionally hints at wanting to come here. I've made it pretty obvious that I'm not in a place for that to happen and I think she finally gets it, but somewhere in there she's not accepting that I'm not pining for her dad like she is. I was with him through the tough times and as husband and wife, I know what he said he wanted for me. I'm in that place and think he's tickled pink that I'm happy. Like Metv said, you be happy. Those folks can't live your life. Our LH's are gone; the marriage vow is fulfilled. Time to step into the future.

[trying2breathe]

As widows/widowers, I think that we're seen by others as being particularly vulnerable.  My family is protective, the in-laws especially, and they try to influence my choices whenever possible - financial decisions, things going on with my kids, vacations, etc.,  so it makes sense to me that they would have some pretty big opinions on whoever I may be dating.  Which is why I don't share any of this with them.  My guy would be scrutinized, I believe to an extreme, and I'm not comfortable with this.  And it wouldn't be fair to him.

 

 

Family is important to me - makes me sad that I'm not including my guy in the mix for holidays and family gatherings. Sigh ....  maybe some day

[Guest Metv]

^^ I would tell it like it is this is MY life I have a new guy he's kind great and coming to all my functions, so please respect this, as I would like you all to meet him. Make that someday today.

[trying2breathe]

I need easy right now, am still not willing to make introductions.  He says that he understands, I continue to balance the division of family and love life.  Sigh .... I need a therapy session

[arneal]

You will be okay, trying2. Therapy, yes -- can I come? I need a session too ... On family intro's, I've thought about asking NG to meet my son, who is the only family I have living anywhere near me. I don't want to be weird about it and I don't want to end up feeling some kinda way if he doesn't want to, which I don't envision but you know, that imagine the worst case scenario thing ... So I haven't done it. Sigh.

[trying2breathe]

Thanks, arneal.  Things will work out somehow.  NG met my son this morning, not intentionally but because son came home unexpectedly early from work.  It went much better than I could have imagined, guess it's best to have these things happen unplanned because if I had prepared, I too would have been weird about it and very stressed.  I'm realizing that I fret about nothing, sweat the small stuff, especially when it comes to NG.  Son hasn't asked or said anything about meeting NG, ho hum - life goes on.  An accidental introduction - I highly recommend it!

[arneal]

Glad it went well, trying2. In my case, because my son lives in semi-independent living, I couldn't do an accidental meet up. I have to plan to go out there to meet him or plan to have him brought somewhere to meet me. I could do so and not tell NG my son is going to be there, but that would be a bit too weird to me Someday. I plan to bring up a meet at some point because it seems like the right thing to do. I've met his daughter and her boyfriend, so for continuity and if we are looking to make a thing of this for real, it only makes sense.

[trying2breathe]

I responded about introductions in the Budding Relationship post too - it would be a planned event with your son to make an introduction, and I can see where this would need some organization.  Trying to make it seem unintentional does seem strange.  With other introductions to friends occurring, introducing your son seems a natural step to take, if this is important to you.