Communication with the ex

[kjs1989]

I can so relate to all of the blending difficulty posts as of late. It brings me to another blending issue so to speak, that makes me wonder how others handle it or where my boundaries are with NG, or if there are any boundaries for me at this point.

 

We have been together for four years.  We do not live together. I am not ready to blend to that degree. I like to think we are building toward a future together eventually,  but sometimes I feel like we have stalled out a bit, and when I fully analyze it, it seems to me it mostly involves his ex's constant communication and me feeling like I am out in left field a bit regarding this communication.

 

NG does not like his ex. That is obvious. Any respect he had for her is long gone. He does not like to talk about her in any terms. Yet, he must engage with her (even if minimally) at times because of their kids and other issues where she forces him into the fray of often created drama which also usually involves their kids. But it is not always about their kids, sometimes she just rants about this and that or brings up past issues of their marriage she has not resolved. Sometimes she even trashes me, although I have never formally met her and have never been anything but stellar in how I treat their kids or flexible in our plans to accommodate him spending time with his kids  ( ages15 and 23).

 

My issue is that I feel at this point I should be able to fully have access to their communication, but unless I specifically ask about situations, I am usually out of the loop and because he does not like to talk about her, the topic quickly gets swept under the rug. He has let me read some texts from her now and then, or will read them to me, but otherwise he is quite private about his phone.

 

So, you wids out there in a relationship with someone divorced, how open is your SO to letting you in on all communication with the ex.  Should I even care?

[Trying]

My fiancé is pretty open and shares most communications with his ex because they are primarily negative and frustrating.  He wants me to understand how difficult she is and why it's so hard to get answers from her about the simplest of things.

 

I wouldn't like it if I felt he was hiding something but if he did want to keep things private that didn't effect me I would respect that.

 

Have you asked him why he doesn't like to share this with you?  Is he just compartmentalizing that part of his life? Is he embarrassed by the negativity? Does he feel defensive if you are negative about her? Does he feel like it's an invasion of her privacy to share her texts/emails with you?

[Bunny]

I have zero to hide and don't particularly like people having access to my phone or e-mail- not even my husband, not even my boyfriend. I'll do it, but always reluctantly. And I'm not the quiet secretive type at all- I'm pretty much an open book...but don't be looking at my correspondence!

 

it's his headache, so why go looking for more than what he offers if it's just gonna irritate you? He's doing you a favor- and himself, because he obviously doesn't want to use his time with you to discuss her, right? I mean, he's already got one big headache- you're his solace. So why would he want to drag his solace into his headache?

 

Women tend to like to communicate a lot more than men do- I wouldn't take it personally.

[jgib]

What Bunny says!!

[MR]

I agree with what Bunny says unless it effects you, it should bother you.

[Mizpah]

I want to know EVERYTHING, not just every word and every nuance of every communication with anyone, but every fleeting and/or meaningful thought or feeling.  It can come from any number of sources - curiosity, fascination with humans, obsession with whoever the object of my love is, natural insecurity, nosiness, etc., etc.  I want it, but is that impulse healthy? 

 

The way I look at it - would I be comfortable, though, with HIM demanding to or wishing to know every word of every communication?  No.  I think I would feel a little distrusted or invaded, or that we would be magnifying something I wouldn't want to magnify (maybe a toxic ex and the negative emotional impact it can have, and that we could multiply by sharing)....  Sometimes NG doesn't tell me about stuff about his son's mom, and while I want to know everything, am voracious for connection and information, I think it's wise of him not to fan the flames of problems, especially when it doesn't involve me in any way and has no bearing on me, him, us....

[kjs1989]

Thanks for the feedback. Some really good points here.

 

I can see where he would not want to create more conflict and drama by sharing every communication from her, which is nearly daily, and then me dwelling on it, which admittedly I may be apt do at times. In the early days of our relationship I actually tried to defend her a bit to NG and encourage him to be more tolerant, but now I know better.

 

I don't push the issue, and he does of course share some of her over the top rantings, demands, and drivel, but otherwise it feels like I have to ask what her latest communication involves in order to be in the loop. He is just very reticent to expound. And some of her communication to him after eight years post divorce, I must say, makes me a bit uncomfortable, like when she signs off..."Love you...."

 

Ick.

 

It just feels weird to me that there is this third person frequently attempting to weigh in on issues in his life ( using their kids as a conduit to do so) and sometime those issues  involves the two of us directly or indirectly.

 

Uncharted territory for me completely.

[Sugarbell]

For what it's worth..here's my thought on it (and this is new for me too)

 

Usually after a divorce (the man typically but can be the women too or maybe both)..Have paid handsomely, divided up possessions, sold or paid one party off for the family home..usually are left somewhat financially strapped and exhausted after the divorce...They went through all of this...to be removed from the other person and move on with their lives.

 

And yes..with minor (or even adult) children they still have to coparent together from separate residences while attempting to start a new life. I will say my NG keeps it business and to the point...drop offs are in neutral places and neither one goes inside. He never bad mouths his ex to his kids or anyone really...just never talks to her or about her. This makes her even crazier...but really I admire the way he's handled a potential nightmare of a situation.

 

So Ick to the "love shit" stuff...Exs should be professional and civil (lack a workplace relationship) for the kids...But my opinion that should be all.

[Sugarbell]

And yea he has told me when she's called -and shows me her nasty texts. He never responds. He ignores unless the kids are involved.

[kjs1989]

Sugarbell,

 

Yeah, similar response from my NG to her rantings. Brief yes, no, or to the point replies to her run-on texts which makes her crazy....and she will say, "That's all you have to offer to this situation after everything I have told you?  Blah blah blah...."

 

And so it goes.

 

He ignored the "Love you" sign-off, btw.

 

I just want her to go away..... *sigh*