Guest nonesuch Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I haven't been able to bury my husband yet. The day of the memorial service, his best buddy took one third of the ashes to scatter at the places they explored/camped together as young single wild and crazy guys. The rest have set in a lovely brass box in the spare room and when I think about burying him, I cry. it needs to be done. it's been five years. The Veterans' cemetery is maybe 30 minutes away (conveniently, in New Beau's home town) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Rarely. It is an obligation to keep up the gravesite. I dont feel him there. It is a family plot. He liked it kept up. I dont like it there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 My husband was buried at the national cemetery about 30 minutes away. We used to go nearly every week in the first year. I learned that flags were removed except during the week(s) surrounding Veterans Day and Memorial Day. I was determined to plant a flag each time we went and bought dozens. I also placed them on the grave of a very loved and young son - only 21. Initially, someone must have known and never removed the flags. Going brought peace and comfort for myself and my daughter. Over time, we have scaled back, particularly during the winter. We tend to go more in the summer and we always take the dogs. They and my daughter would sit on the grass. I didn't know I would make that trek because I was never one for cemeteries. I think I find comfort in going because he loved serving in the Air Force so much and is with his comrades. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nuggets Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 Used to go on the D-o-D and send up a helium balloon -- then discovered I could send up a balloon from just about anywhere on the planet on 21 July, and have from several awesome spots on this planet. Used to go on our wedding anniversary with a coffee, sit on his marker and cuss him out for dying on me. Used to go sometime in November -- before snow and lay a cedar bough wreath for the holidays and his birthday on 1 Jan - festive, not. Now, I go whenever I can -- it's the prettiest piece of property I own right now, actually - with a kick ass view of downtown Calgary. I am adrift these days between Canada and Costa Rica, between Victoria (moving out of here right now) and Calgary (where the cemetery is). Who knows? Maybe my next visit will be permanent -- my instructions are to plant me in the same spot, whether it's a bag of ashes or a corpse depends on where I am when I pass my Best Before date. Someone else (offspring or my brother) gets to worry about that part of the transaction - I'll be dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Munsen Posted April 5, 2015 Share Posted April 5, 2015 I visit the cemetery on a regular basis. I have no set schedule but find that I often do go out there on our anniversary or our birthdays or yesterday for Easter. In my small community, the cemetery is just a mile down the road so it isn't a long way to go on a whim. I admit that I do not go as often as I did the first couple of years but I'm more reminded of him and his presence in our home than I ever felt at the graveside. That isn't to say that I haven't felt God's comfort out there but I have always felt that hubby was Home with Jesus and that it was only his poor, battered body that was left behind. I hope you won't mind me sharing a story of my first 'alone' visit to the grave after hubby's death. He was buried just before Christmas and it had been a typical Alberta winter season, not only when he died but for the weeks following. Bitterly cold, windy & snowy. As I stood at his grave that first time, shivering from the wind, I felt so alone and hopeless. So bereft. I remember thinking "how could you have left me alone, God?" And, just then, I heard a meadowlark sing. It was so incredibly cold that no other birds were in sight nor were there any other bird calls. I stood several seconds in disbelief. How could I be hearing a summer bird call when all the songbirds had long flown south for winter? The thought that I was losing my mind and imagining things came to mind. Then, in all its beauty and clarity, I heard the meadowlark again. And then once more. It was impressed on me that though it was winter now, someday again it would be spring and that not only did I have the hope that I would survive this loss, I had the hope of seeing hubby again. That this was only a temporary parting. And, despite my grief, God was with me. That story of hope is what I remember often when I stand at my hubby's grave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sphoc Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 We scattered my husband's ashes in England, so I can't visit very often. Gracelet kindly came with me on my recent trip. It didn't seem right to travel that far and not go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabzmom Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I visit the cemetery on a regular basis. I have no set schedule but find that I often do go out there on our anniversary or our birthdays or yesterday for Easter. In my small community, the cemetery is just a mile down the road so it isn't a long way to go on a whim. I admit that I do not go as often as I did the first couple of years but I'm more reminded of him and his presence in our home than I ever felt at the graveside. That isn't to say that I haven't felt God's comfort out there but I have always felt that hubby was Home with Jesus and that it was only his poor, battered body that was left behind. I hope you won't mind me sharing a story of my first 'alone' visit to the grave after hubby's death. He was buried just before Christmas and it had been a typical Alberta winter season, not only when he died but for the weeks following. Bitterly cold, windy & snowy. As I stood at his grave that first time, shivering from the wind, I felt so alone and hopeless. So bereft. I remember thinking "how could you have left me alone, God?" And, just then, I heard a meadowlark sing. It was so incredibly cold that no other birds were in sight nor were there any other bird calls. I stood several seconds in disbelief. How could I be hearing a summer bird call when all the songbirds had long flown south for winter? The thought that I was losing my mind and imagining things came to mind. Then, in all its beauty and clarity, I heard the meadowlark again. And then once more. It was impressed on me that though it was winter now, someday again it would be spring and that not only did I have the hope that I would survive this loss, I had the hope of seeing hubby again. That this was only a temporary parting. And, despite my grief, God was with me. That story of hope is what I remember often when I stand at my hubby's grave. Thank you for sharing your private moment with us. It ' s a good reminder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 I ended up not going and am sorta disgusted with myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Try not to be hard on yourself. I usually have somethung up for Easter and didn't this year. Would you rip into me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HvnBound Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I went to the cemetery once since it is about 3 hrs away, met up with a widow friend from here in southern Illinois so she could visit her DH's grave and I could visit mine. I teared up when I saw his grave and this sweet lady offered me a tissue. I was trying to stop the tears by singing his fave hymn "I'll Fly Away" but could not sing. That was the only visit. I do admit to thinking it is cool that I have not been able to afford a headstone, here is this guy buried who used to work undercover and no one will know where his grave is, sort of funny in a sick way, but funny to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I lived maybe two or three miles from where Laurie was buried while living in NJ so I had coffee most mornings (weather permitting) graveside until we moved south in 2009. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmy2babies Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 We?re pretty much down to special days now. With two little children at the time (a 6 year-old and an infant), I knew I wouldn?t be going often. I knew my in-laws would though so when my MIL was trying to get me to hold the funeral in his home town (an hour away), I agreed to have him buried there. Cost me about everything I had left saved after having a baby and being on a 7 week unpaid maternity leave had already. I put him in the best memorial park in town, which was (at the time) 2 miles from MIL?s house. She has since moved. I pretty much take the children to see her and we stop by to see him. Generally on Father?s Day or Memorial Day or Veteran?s Day since he is in an area with other Veteran?s the children and I will visit the other graves and say a prayer for the families of the deceased loved ones and thank them for their service and their lives. As I think about it, I think it's been about 10 months now. Last time I went was really emotional for me and I?ve been going through a lot this past year, a lot of which is a direct result of being in this life (moved from our home) even though it?s been 5 years. So honestly I haven?t wanted to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 No really Kamcho ; ) I put Halloween decorations all over my Wife's grave. It freaks everyone out, I even got a letter from the cemetery association saying it's not allowed. Oh it's ok to put Christmas deco up but not Halloween stuff. What BS that is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest IronBear Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 No really Kamcho ; ) I put Halloween decorations all over my Wife's grave. It freaks everyone out, I even got a letter from the cemetery association saying it's not allowed. Oh it's ok to put Christmas deco up but not Halloween stuff. What BS that is. Laurie loved Halloween so I did the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
patriciad Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 The first year I went to see the marker(it ws placed on out anniversary) and then again at Christmastime. I now usually go sometime during the month that he died. My DS is very ritualistic and it is part of his "schedule" of things to do. He stands there and talks about all of the things he has done the previous year-friends, work, the status of the Yankees. It absolutely makes my heart start cracking all over again. I do not feel any sense of peace or closeness to him there and if it weren't for DS I don't know that I would go at all. I truly wish I could go and have chats and feel his presence. I usually come home and am in a dark place for a few days. Sometimes I truly wish I had gone with the cremation thing. I think it might have been easier to have had a piece of him with me right in my home. I still feel him here, see him here. This is not an easy road we travel. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ursula Posted April 9, 2015 Share Posted April 9, 2015 A is buried in his country which involves and overseas flight from Europe and a day-trip per airplane from here. I was at his grave the day they shoved him into this niche. It was horrible. I don't want to go back there but will have to at some point before they remove him to 'free up space' . Yep, that is the way it works in some countries. So I am actually considering building a proper grave for him, so at least our boy can go and visit whenever he wants in his life. They don't bury people there, there are niches or sarcophages or whatever you want to call it. His family won't get it together so I will have to. If possible I would like to 'move' him next to his father, who also died young. I feel that he wanted to rest in his country because he felt out of place everywhere else. But I will never know. May lightning strike me if I was wrong but I believe that is what he wanted. He is still there, embalmed and all but he has left his body long ago, so I am planning of planting a memorial stone where the accident happened. Not that he is there but to have something remembering him. Another place to visit. I used to go every month to where we found him, but I broke down every time and have not been back in months. I will go before we leave. Kamcho, I wish I could have your sense of humour!! May they all rest (or be busy??) in peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted April 9, 2015 Author Share Posted April 9, 2015 At the time we buried Chad, Fayetteville NC was the closest Veteran's Cemetery. NOW, of course they are building one right here in my town and I've heard it's going to be gorgeous. And the base he worked at for 17 years is here and those F15s fly right over where the cemetery is going to be every day. I honestly think he would love that. I wish there was a way to have him moved without costing an arm and a leg. My dad is buried in Arlington and I have NEVER been. I buried Chad closer for that reason, and I haven't been since last April. It just drains me SOOO much. And ever since I started this thread its been on my mind a lot. I just always feel the need to stay hours and hours and I leave feeling so sad and drained. But my kids are actually begging me to "go see daddy". (wow, they are 16 and 17 and say that). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guaruj Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Catherine died in July 2014. I visit her grave every day. It's the first place I go each morning. I'll continue this until July 2015, then gradually reduce the frequency of my visits. I'm sorry to see that so many wids aren't happy when they visit their spouses' graves. I believe that doing this has helped me a great deal, if only for the fact that it motivates me to go to bed early and get up early. |+| M a r k |+| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Heading to my FIL's funeral this weekend. I will also get the opportunity to visit Barry's grave. I may even go twice. Who knows...three times? Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carey Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 If it was just a spot for just Chad, I could do it easier. But for some reason, when I am there, I feel EVERYONES pain it seems. I can't just tend to his and leave. I end up tidying up, fixing flowers, placing new flowers that I bring extras, leaving pennies. I think part of what gets me so much is that it is a military cemetery, and many of those people's families are not local and a lot of the graves look "unloved". In a way, I appreciate the national cemeteries that don't allow individual flowers. That way they all look the same; unless it's a patriotic holiday or Christmas and there again, everyone has the same. I know it's a little ridiculous but I don't want Chad to look "unloved". Silly I know. So the times I have been (only 3) turned into hours and hours long and draining emotionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Today, I went today for the first time in about three or four weeks - I would say that is my average now, about once per month just to check on the flowers and make sure grass isn't stuck on the her stone. DD and I don't really feel her there - visits just tend to make us sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Once a week, after Mass every Sunday until we moved a thousand miles south in 2009. I would nod at a friend who lost his wife suddenly a few months before Laurie as he drove by. Sundays seemed to be the day for widowers??? . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lmsmdm Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 I don't have a cemetery... However, I have his ashes spread in many locations, amd more to come. I do go to one sight on a fairly regular basis known as the knob... It's an application trail loc. I go about 6 times a year, and just enjoy the beautiful view, remembering our many (albeit not enough) years together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Buried DHs ashes 2 weeks ago and went tonight. Felt I needed to with the BS his sisters are doing right now. I felt better for going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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