SimiRed Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I walk alone everyday, I try to walk for 2-3 miles. I have my headphones in, music going, and most of the time I'm missing my late DH so bad I could just collapse and give up. Yes, it's been a little over 5 years, but I still hear him, I still see his face, hear his voice! Why? His son is EXACTLY like him! Oh... my son makes me proud, he's amazing, he even talks like his Dad. I remarried in Oct. 2012, I shouldn't say this...but it has not been a very happy ride. I'm miserable half (probably more) of the time, I don't feel like "home". I miss "home", I miss home so much I could cry. Some days I ask "Why??" Why after all I went through with late DH trying to conceive, baby after 10 years of trying, cancer diagnosis 3 years after that, dragging a toddler to chemo, hospital rooms, etc....then my husband dying when our son was just 8 years old. WHY??? Why do I deal with this crap now? Somedays I just can't stand myself, I want to keep walking and never turn back. But I can't, I'm stupid, I'm loyal, faithful... and I feel like a used piece of trash sometimes. Why? Cause I hear "I'm not raising YOUR KID", "You should pay 2/3 and I should pay 1/3 of the bills", "Bitch", "I do everything for you", "I LET you hang this here blah blah blah, why don't you feel it's home?" What is wrong with me? Is it the fear of loss again? What is wrong with me that I allow this? Time for my walk... Sorry, I just don't even know where to even post this. But, no one sees me screaming on the inside. I talked to a friend here a little, but I feel like she's giving me the brush off. So, it's best I just keep to me and my music in my ears. I miss my Rick.... he "got" me, he "protected" me, he "loved" me and made me feel like his angel. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 SimiRed, I'm very sorry. On top of grieving it sounds as though you are having to deal with a negative relationship. It is good you can vent here, to get it out. It's good you are getting "you" time as well. Sometimes I wonder if we "put up" with things in our post widow life because we don't want to give up/turn our back on them....I don't know. I know I have....But I hope your situation improves for you...you and your son deserve the best. Widow hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Simi first let me say that I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy. I think it's important for you to determine if you are depressed or if you are in a bad marriage and then focus on fixing whichever it is or maybe a bit of both. If it is your marriage you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix. You deserve to be happy, we all know that life is too short to waste precious time. Choose happiness and go after it. I know that is so much easier said than done but just start with walking towards something. (((SimiRed))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Oh, (((Simi)) I heard your cry of pain and would like to bring you some comfort! I'm sending you a BIG Hug through the ether right now and offer my 'virtual shoulder' to lean on for a while! Hold on, OK! - Will send you a PM! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 First off (((((((Hugs)))))) I remember reading this about your situation.a while back. The biggie with me....are his comments about your child and 2/3 of the bills. What kind of marriage is that? I was married to a disaster for 6 months in 2011...I filed and did the paperwork myself as well as my legal name changed back. No lawyers...the whole thing (divorce) took 6 weeks and cost only 200.00 I had to own my mistake....to my kids, family, friends. Neighbors. Honestly now....the majority of people have forgotten about that mess. It was one of the scariest but gutsiest things I have ever done. But if I would've stayed I am sure I would be dead by now (not physically abusive but emotionally. We were both addicts and my drug use got worse by the week just to cope) Hugs!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Old friend, I know this is so hard for you and the fixer in me wishes I could fix it all and bring Rick back to you. I'll encourage you to pack another bin of stuff for the day you make your get-away. Love you, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Needytoo Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Big hugs to you. You don't deserve this. Sending you strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canadiangirl Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 Oh no SimiRed, you deserve more, we all do. Sending you courage and strength. I sincerely get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 SemiRed I'm sorry you are going through this. First off hugs to you. You are the only one to know what you need to do. I hope and pray you find the strength and courage to make those positive changes in your life. Hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted April 16, 2015 Author Share Posted April 16, 2015 Thank you all for listening. This is my safe place. @Sugarbell... Wow, you are so brave!!! Honestly, I have no clue why I sit here and take it, I don't know what my fears are? Maybe letting the man I married down? Maybe I feel like I've ruined his life with false hopes and leading him on? I am so stuck, some tell me, you'll get tired of it eventually... Will I? Or am I forever the faithful wife no matter what? Maureen... the bins are stuffed..I'm waiting for a safe place to put them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fleur Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 "Maybe letting the man I married down? " Isn?t he the one who has let you down? The man you married should be your partner and help you to raise and actually love your son. He should be willing to share all that he has with you not just keep you around to be his emotional punching bag and pay the bills. "Maybe I feel like I've ruined his life with false hopes and leading him on?" You are not responsible for his life - he is. At the moment, however, you are responsible for your life and the life of your son. If you can not get out for yourself, get out for your boy. The environment in which he is growing up is not healthy for him. When you stay you are sending your son the message that it?s okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship and to treat a woman the way you are being treated. He may even lose respect for you. Further, he may not feel comfortable coming to you when he has troubles because he doesn?t want to burden you. No matter what, there will be consequences, it?s just hard to say exactly what they may be. Do you really want to tell your son that a man who treats neither of you well is more important that he is? Aren?t you in fact doing that? "I am so stuck, some tell me, you'll get tired of it eventually... Will I?? I sure hope so and sooner rather than later. Life is just too short to be miserable and you have been miserable for too long now. I am a person who really does believe in the sanctity of marriage but I honestly think that your relationship did not possess the fundamental components necessary to make the marriage solid to begin with. Unfortunately, this fact makes it hard to justify fighting to preserve the marriage. You made a mistake but you don?t need or deserve to punish yourself (and your son) for the rest of your life because of it. This isn?t the first time that I hear that you are dying inside. I should have known you were still suffering when you did not respond to my post hoping that you had gotten your life back on track again. In general, I really don't think one should be taking advice from the internet world but I have seen this whole thing unfolding from the beginning and am pretty certain that you know deep down what you need to do. I want to be supportive of you and apologize if this message is too harsh and not what you needed to hear. Just say the word and I will edit it. "Or am I forever the faithful wife no matter what?" Faithful to what? A failed marriage? Be faithful to yourself and the boy you created with the person that was deserving of your love and loyalty. You are the only one that can help yourself - LEAVE TRACEY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eddienhp Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Hugs to you SimiRed. I hope you figure it out. You deserve to be at peace. Eileen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIonlycould Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 If your best friend told you this was going on in her marriage what would you tell her to do? ((((((HUGS))))) and support from all of us here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Tracey, my friend, I know it is hard. You have a place to go. Get J through the school year...and make your move. You know it is right. My friend fleur has read you right. J needs you to do this, too. You haven't failed C. He has failed you. Hindsight is 20/20. He had so many behaviors from weeks after Rick died...to lure you in, professing his long-time love for you, getting you to move to him, then leaving you emotionally abandoned. You know now that he is abusive. You've said it yourself. I personally don't have a clue what it is like to be in your 8 1/2's, but you know it needs to happen. It is easier said than done. I think you might be writing here so that you can help convince yourself that you are right and you need to get out. J is a resilient young man and he will thrive even more when you are in a place that he can truly call home, even if it is with family for now. Anyone who knows you will support your decision to leave. Leaving is not failure. In this case, leaving is success. I wish I was nearby, because I would help you move those bins of precious memories and follow you down the road to a better place for you and J. Hugs, Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 I too am in a difficult post-death relationship. So what I looked for in your post was the "but," the hope that maybe things could improve "if ______." I don't see that. It seems you are saying that it is bad, you don't seem to be saying you believe it can or will get better. It's strange, because I feel two completely contradictory ways about stuff like this. On the one hand, no one knows the truth of a relationship but those two people. But on the other hand, it is often easier to see things clearly from the outside. It is hard, it is unbearable, to lose your family-ness once you've gotten it again after losing it. But it sounds like he's not offering family in the true sense of the word. When things are bad in my situation (different in many ways), my father always tells me that the baby and I ARE a family, maybe it's not what I wanted or expected, or how I thought it would or should look, but families can be made up in ways and LOOK different from what we expected. I know how hard it must be. The way you frame your post, the things you say - it seems you know what you need to do. Perhaps it's just a matter of timing at this point. I'm so sorry for your disappointment. It is a loss, another one after such a terrible one. I always say, "When's the easy part???!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 Edited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 My step-daughter was in a long term relationship with a nice enough guy but someone who was a "bean-counter" in terms of the financial aspects of living together and in some ways, in terms of the emotional give/take. About two years into this, she came to Husband and I to discuss this, get perspective and decide if she wanted to stay in a relationship that was a lot of work and not as emotionally gratifying as she'd hoped it could be. I told her, "You should be able to love a person for who they are right now and not their potential or who you hope they might be one day if only you are faithful and loving enough to give them a reason to change." She lasted another two, mostly not happy or fulfilling, years with him before deciding to put away the hope that one day he and the relationship would change into what she needed and wanted and dreamed of. I know people well enough to know that when they spill the beans about their relationship, what they really want is to be heard. No advice. Just "I get it" or "You deserve better". You do deserve better. Your son deserves better. When you are ready, you will do what you need to and make that happy. In meantime, know that relationships are work, maybe challenging even, but they shouldn't be soul-crushing, lonely or abusive. You've had a hard time going back a long ways. Difficult is your norm. Having to work hard to hold things together or overcome difficulties is what you've trained yourself to do. Perhaps that's not serving you well anymore. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a step back. Think about what you really need and apply the skills you've learned over the years to make that happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 Fleur, no apologies needed...you are not too harsh, you are real and honest. I value honesty in others, I'd rather hear that then the fluff! Yes, he's let me down. I'm disappointed that it's like this, very disappointed. I stopped posting on a lot of my boards because I don't want to be on the computer when he is home. Heck, I get in trouble for texting or looking at my phone! I am the only one that can change this, I have to dig deeper than deep and find it within me to do it. I'm digging... but it feels like I'm digging with a spoon! **Side question: Can everything here be read without even logging in and creating an account? I noticed this last night when I looked at widda on my phone and I didn't have to log in to read anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Yes, the posts are readable without logging in but forums cannot be searched by someone who is not a member. So someone could read this post, if they found it, but they couldn't click on your name and search out information or other posts by you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Tracey you and your son deserve peace.. I know It's eaSy for me from the outside saying leave when I don't know all the aspects of your situation. But it does sound like a few of your friends from herw do and are willing to help-Please take them up on it. Fear and shame is what is keeling you in this mess. Those are powerful emotions with fear being the biggie. I promise you when you get out of this you wlill feel the weight of the world lifted. For a few weeks it will be an adjustment....even bad habits take an adjustment period. But once you pass it you will slowly feel empowered and begin to take your own identity back. You have lots of people here who care. My toxic ex also read all my posts On here...amongst other violations of privacy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Hi, I just want to send my support. Remember, I am only an hour and a half away if ever you two want to get away for a day or two and get some breathing room, our door is open. You can do this! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Max2507 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 Everything Maureen said! You deserve so much better and your son as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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