Bad Widow Habits You Can't Get Rid Of

[Guest Mel4072]

Shoes. I dont out them away anymore. I step out of them as soon as I cross the doorway.

Decorating has stopped for me. I just dont care. I clean but Im not trying to make my home wonderful. Ive got nobody to enjoy it with me.

The worst is my shower. Im not sure when the last time was that I cleaned it. It coukdve been one month or 3. I just dont know. I don't track my cleaning anymore like I used to. I was on a regimine. Weekly. No negotiating.

[IfIonlycould]

Seems like so many of us have issues with cleaning, bill paying and organization.  I too prewidowhood  was one of those whose house was always in order.  My pantry was right out of the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" and my closet was color coordinated.  I had a schedule for daily chores, weekly chores, monthly chores and yearly chores.  That all flew out the window.  I'm not sure if my brain got fried or if it is because as a result of his death I have moved 4 times since he died fixing up 3 houses  (actually completely gutting 2), have started jobs, quit jobs, faced long commutes.....and I just didn't have it in me....(but I have been able to go to other peoples homes and assist them in organizing, purging, moving, etc. without an issue!)

Well it is coming back...this past fall and into this year I have made tremendous strides in purging, getting organized and establishing a regular schedule again.  And it feels good, I find the more I stick at it the easier it becomes and I feel like me again.  (The thread on goals has been incredibly helpful to me.)

[Mancino]

(but I have been able to go to other peoples homes and assist them in organizing, purging, moving, etc. without an issue!)

A, I really need to bribe you into coming to my house one of these days...

 

[Helen]

 

I am late lots, I hate being late, but often it just takes so much energy to sort myself out. I was never late for anything before.

[Virgo]

We hardly eat dinner all of us as a family and when we do we sit at the counter on stools instead of at the table.

 

This is one of mine too. My middle daughter refuses to sit at the table without her dad in his chair.  I'm considering buying a new dining table and redecorating. When my daughters sit at the bar counter I end up standing during dinner. It's getting old quick. 

[klim]

coke, actually diet coke. lots of it. Always available.......not good. oooops

[Guest Questions]

I got too used to living in survival mode all the time, just doing the bare minimum to exist.

The future scares me into apathy, I don't trust it. Confidence is low, hope waning.

I busy myself with mundane things I know I can accomplish & procrastinate on the large things I'm not so certain of. Feel restless, irresponsible, unsettled but it's hard for me to plan very far ahead.

I feel like Mel, don't want to decorate this house just for me.  I do what I need to do to keep things from falling apart but wonder how long I can keep it up. It's getting harder to feel inspired.

I feel tired, empty, alone, cry easilly. Hoping someday I'll find something to pour my heart & soul into.  Instead of the past -I know that's over but it just won't leave me alone.. I was happy when he was here. Now sure who I am now..

 

[BrokenHeart2]

I'm hearing you Questions. You sound like what I'm living too. I am slowly pulling out of that mode but it's not so easy. It's nice to have some support to do it and I'm getting it a bit  hang in there dear lady.  We'll all get through this somehow

Hugs

[rifatheroffour]

Q & BH2...exactly the same thought lines...

[Guest TooSoon]

Just adding a "count me in" to the above.  I'm good at the Big Fun Stuff and at my job again at long last but the day to day renders me paralyzed.  Why don't I just pick up?  Clean the bathroom?  Clear the dried up paint cans out of the garage?  Meh.  I, too, await inspiration. Why do I do that?  And every day I ask, "What is wrong with you?!"  Yet somehow I manage never to just get it done.  And it sucks.

[Guest marian1953]

I go though this, too. Wre  you a cleaner before being widowed? Did Scott have anything to do with the level of cleanliness? Struggling to understand this myself, so the more of us that can weigh in?

[Guest TooSoon]

Its odd, Scott and I sort of just had this symbiotic unspoken way of getting things done.  The place was never sparkling clean but it sure as hell was better than it is now.  I did the paperwork (still on top of that) and he did the shopping and cooking and much of the clean up (yes, I had it good).  For me it is more of this self-defeating refusal to do anything I don't want to do.  Plant an entire garden with all the heavy lifting and digging?  No problem.  Take out the trash?  Regularly do laundry?  Monumentally problematic (though I did do it tonight).  No clue. 

[BrokenHeart2]

I used to do so much to get things done.,,,now,,, I just don't give a fuck about much. Ugh, I hate it. That's not who a was or want to be. It's got to change. But when and how is my question. Just putting it out there.

[Guest marian1953]

third time trying to reply. Toosoon, I feel like the Shel Siverstein poem about Sarah Stout, who would not take the gargage out?We all know what happened to her..

Pete and I had it worked out, too. I think I am sometimes just so god damn AFFRONTED  that he died! I did everything to save him. And damn, I know I had it good, too. And now? I had pretty much the same relationship with my man as you did, Toosoon! I will physically kill myself sometimes- why? Must I punish myself because I could not keep my husband alive?

I am very fortunate to have you all

xoxo

[Lmsmdm]

I used to do so much to get things done.,,,now,,, I just don't give a fuck about much. Ugh, I hate it. That's not who a was or want to be. It's got to change. But when and how is my question. Just putting it out there.

 

This!

 

[Guest marian1953]

OK. So what do we do? I see many intelligent people posting replies- do we need to do a group thing? I am ready to volunteer to rally the troops on a daily, whatever basis- I am retired, OCD lapsed Catholic, taught college els since 1984. I am the eldest of seven, five girls, the two boys. At Your service.

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Please inspire me Marion!  I sure could use it

[lcoxwell]

Its odd, Scott and I sort of just had this symbiotic unspoken way of getting things done.  The place was never sparkling clean but it sure as hell was better than it is now.  I did the paperwork (still on top of that) and he did the shopping and cooking and much of the clean up (yes, I had it good).  For me it is more of this self-defeating refusal to do anything I don't want to do.  Plant an entire garden with all the heavy lifting and digging?  No problem.  Take out the trash?  Regularly do laundry?  Monumentally problematic (though I did do it tonight).  No clue.

 

Are you sure we aren't long lost relatives, or sharing a brain? Maybe you've been spying on me from afar (and if so, I am sorry things are so boring in my corner of the world)? At any rate, you can exchange Kenneth's name for Scott's, and you just described my life, minus the whole gardening thing. Instead of gardening, I managed changing wiper blades on my truck, topping off the oil, and replacing the engine coolant.

[PalomaQueNoPuedeVolar]

I don't cook. I live with my mom know and she does all the cooking. I used to always cook for my husband: breakfast,munch, and dinner. He would go to work very early sometimes, and even though I had a newborn and I was exhausted, I would get up and make him something. He appreciated it and I felt like it was my duty to always have him fed. I always tried elaborate meals and looked for new ones that he would like. Anyway, after he died, I completely stopped cooking. It reminds me of  him and it's just not the same anymore.

[Virgo]

I must be the odd widow here. Having a clean house and being organized helps me maintain my sanity. My favorite room in the house is my room because it's always clean and organized. I even make my bed every morning.

[Gabzmom]

Gosh, I have gone from organized and neat freak to disheveled and chaotic.  I am slowly getting it together.  I have been able to get the fridge spotless and half the pantry organized.  I get the house clean and then the clutter starts to pile up again.  I am considering getting some house-keeping help.  I know I would clean before she comes and that's part of the strategy to get me moving. 

[Meema]

I spend hours killing time playing stupid games on my iPad instead of, say, going for a walk, inviting someone to dinner, reading a book, etc. I hate how much my face is stuck in front of a screen.

[alwazalone]

Sometimes I have an energy spurt and Get Things Done. More often than not, I don't.. I watch Hoarders and similar on tv, and think if those people don't expire with all that mess & dirt, I should be ok with a few crumbs and fluff! If it wasn't for cooking for the kids, I'd live on sandwiches, too..

[November]

For me it's cooking.  I go to the grocery store and buy all this food because today is the day I'm going to start cooking and NO more eating out.  Then I just don't do it...Can't even give you a valid explanation why I just don't and end up throwing it all away because it goes bad and we end up eating out on most days. 

 

Oh and I haven't cleaned my shower... I just don't care to do that.

[Carey]

I've gone to the dark side. Escapism.  I leave my house immediately after work every day and go to Johns. My kids are doing their thing, or have friends over or working, etc. They are 16 and 17 and they too come to johns. It's like none of us want to be there. The ironic thing is, at Johns, I cook WAY more than I EVER have before (Chad always was the cook) and I even clean ... there. The only thing I do at home is sleep. And pack to escape again. I'm sure it will blow up and hit me in the face, and inserting myself and my kids in someone else's family is not going to help us move on, I know that. It's so much easier to hang with John and Tammy and their girls than to expend the energy finding someone for me; not to mention the drama the dating sites have been. I just feel safe at their house, so there I go.

edited to add: and no this isn't the home I shared with Chad.  This is the dump doublewide I was forced into 6 weeks after he died