Father in law/Sister in law

[Guest TooSoon]

Will try to keep this short.  We live very close to my father in law.  Before Scott died, he asked me to promise our daughter would know him and know him well (he is in his mid-70s) and I have kept that promise with bi-weekly visits and outings together for nearly two and a half years.  I'm not really part of that relationship, though my father in law and I get along well enough.

 

The other night he was in "a mood."  This happens occasionally.  He started talking about my sister in law with whom I not only have no relationship but there is open hostility toward me and there always has been, long before Scott's death.  Anyway, he started talking about how he wants a guarantee that M will have a relationship with her when he dies because she is the only "blood relation" she has from that side of the family. 

 

Now, not only does my SIL loathe me (and I her) but I also think she's a bad influence on my daughter.  We do not share any of the same priorities or values.  She is extremely manipulative ("Just remember, M, there is no one in this world who loves you as much as your favorite Aunt."  or "Some people get special tattoos, like this one, to show their kids how much they love them.").  I am opposed to letting M be around her without my FIL present, though I've never stood in the way of her seeing my daughter; it just has to be on my terms.  They also live 2 hours away and so she's always proposing that M go and spend several days with her (ie. safely away from me); somehow when she comes to town to go out with her high school friends she never tries to coordinate to see her here.  It always has to be at her house and for multiple days.  Anyway...

 

Anyway, I'd never thought about this.  I just sort of figured that when my FIL dies, that would be it.  Scott certainly would not have expected me to keep up a relationship with them after all of the ugly things that were said over the years.  Do I have some obligation to my FIL to attempt maintaining some sort of contact?  What happens to these sorts of relationships over time?  Her grandfather is one thing but this absentee aunt who is hostile to me?  Really?  Just rambling and curious if anyone has thoughts.

[Baylee627]

I think it's typical for elderly or sickly folks to solicit promises (such as this one) to provide them added peace of mind before they die. Part of getting their "affairs in order".

 

The SIL currently sounds toxic to your nuclear family--which, right now, is comprised of you and M. If the SIL still has subterfuge on her mind when your FIL passes, I wouldn't feel any obligation to encourage familial ties to your SIL.

 

This is not a beneficial relationship for your daughter if it threatens or undermines your mother - daughter bond.

 

Reassure your FIL for now. Reassess your decision at which time he passes.

 

Best I can think of!

 

Baylee

[robunknown]

Do I have some obligation to my FIL to attempt maintaining some sort of contact? 

 

NO. Your obligation is only to your child.

 

My DW had things she made me promise her regarding our son. But I know she would agree that if one of those promises put his well being at risk, forget about it.

 

For example: She wanted me to do everything I could to not sell the house, but as she could see that might not be feasible, or best for us, she added the caviot, "If you need to sell the house, that's OK. You do what you need to do."

[Jess]

To me, it is honest to tell him that whether that relationship continues is dependent on the SIL. If you set boundaries and she is willing to accept them, then there can be a relationship. If she is unwilling to accept them, then there won't be. Boundaries could include visits only when you are present, she comes to you and M doesn't go to her, etc. My guess, she won't accept them and that is better for all involved anyway, but it makes it sound like you are open for his peace of mind.

 

[MrsDan]

 

 

Scott certainly would not have expected me to keep up a relationship with them after all of the ugly things that were said over the years.  Do I have some obligation to my FIL to attempt maintaining some sort of contact?

 

No. The obligation to your FIL is your SIL's, to treat his DIL with respect and model good behavior that merits contact with M. If continuing that connection is important to your FIL, it's on your SIL to do what needs to be done to make that happen. Not you.

[Trying]

Tell your FIL what he needs to hear, a general "yes auntie will always be in her life" and then when the time comes, you do what is best for your daughter. You have no obligation to anyone except your daughter. If he pushes alone time with auntie while he's still alive then you have to be more blunt with him but making a vague promise about after he's gone may keep the peace and allow your daughter to have a nice relationship with her grandfather.

 

Inlaw stuff is hard enough when our spouses were alive but dealing with his family on your own is a no win situation sometimes.

[Mizpah]

F her.  I'm sure your FIL loves you dearly, but in this he does not have your best interests at heart, or your child's.  He is speaking either selfishly, or from a misguided IDEA of what things SHOULD be.  He should be requiring a promise from his daughter to change her ways and beg forgiveness and redeem herself, and maybe he is.  My advice to you is the advice I know your insides are giving you: stay away from her. 

[Guest TooSoon]

Thanks for all your input; when this came up it was in the context of some of Scott's things (namely several lifesize sculptures he made before he met me - I'm keeping all of the ones made after we met) and my asking if he or my SIL wanted them or if I should give them to friends of his (they are HUGE and weigh a ton).  Maybe that was the trigger but these are people - him, too - who have called me names, told me everyone in my family is an elitist snob, accused me of not doing enough to "save" Scott (from GBM, yeah right).  My SIL is damaged in many ways and is thus prone to being downright mean, but she has made it impossible to feel much sympathy or empathy for her.  She was also really really into "grief as competition."  And does things like post pictures of my daughter on her Facebook page with the tagline, "Oh My M, I miss her so much."  followed by dozens of "poor you" responses.  Call me cold hearted but no can do.  But you're right, for peace in the valley now, no harm in reassuring him that they all have a place in M's life.  Yick.

 

To robunknown, I had to break one of those very few promises Scott asked me to make.  Just before his diagnosis, we moved into a new house a block away from the school we'd planned and saved for for years to send my daughter to.  She started there in 3 year old pre-K and was halfway through first grade but it became an untenable situation with an intractable teacher.  I had to move her but it was agonizing.  It felt, though I was certain it was the right thing for her, like I was losing still one more piece (many pieces really - her friends there, my friends there, all of the memories) of him for good.  I'm still wistful every now and then but it turned out to be one of my rare parenting triumphs.  She's happy as a clam in our neighborhood elementary school.  He would be happy.  He would be proud I had the fortitude to make that difficult choice.  It no longer feels like a broken promise.  Hugs. 

[Max2507]

Tell your FIL what he needs to hear, a general "yes auntie will always be in her life" and then when the time comes, you do what is best for your daughter. You have no obligation to anyone except your daughter.

 

You don't have to mention she will always be in her life in a far away, no contact kind of way. Probably once he dies your SIL won't care anymore because she won't be able to whine to him how you are keeping them apart.

[Justin]

Marsha and I had to make the tough decision to keep DD away from my dad. After he and my mom divorced, he would often not show up (or show up extremely late) for scheduled visits with my teenaged brother and other reliability issues (among others). He was an recovering addict (we hoped), and was fighting some demons...

 

It was a tough decision, but we thought it best for her not to know him rather than have her heart broken repeatedly.

[Wheelerswife]

TooSoon,

 

I know your FIL cares deeply about M.  Blood runs deep in some families, and it must pain him to know that he might be the last connection M might have to his family.  Humor him for the time being, but don't commit to anything specific.  Your life and M's life will go on and you have to live it in a positive light.  SIL will probably say the same kinds of nasty things she has always said and you can't stop her.  You will just need to have thick skin - and support from the people in your life that truly matter.

 

I'm sorry that this well-intentioned man is causing you angst.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Brenda]

Hugs to you, TooSoon.  As someone in the process of dumping SIL, FIL and MIL to protect my kids from their nastiness, I can vouch for the fact that it is a rather unpleasant process.  Severing family connections, while necessary at times, is never a pleasant or easy thing to do, and it's causing you a lot of stress at a time when nobody needs this kind of additional stress.

 

Not sure I have any positive advice other than to let you know you're not alone, that in-laws are disposable when they threaten the welfare of your own children, and that your first responsibility is to do what you can to protect your kids from those you don't feel are appropriate company, no matter what relation they are to you.

 

If you think you and your daughter would be far better off without SIL's influence, then make a break.  If it makes it easier, tell FIL that you're going to adhere to his wishes, but once he's gone all bets are off.  Sounds harsh and I wish more than anything that death always brought the survivors closer together instead of ripping families apart, but as many have told me, I've got to do what I think is right for my children, regardless of whatever evil SIL, MIL and FIL think.

[Blue14]

Most of what I'd say has already been said. You owe your SIL nothing (that FB stuff is unbelievable). The kindness you continue to show your FIL demonstrates what a good human you are.

[BrokenHeart2]

Great advise given. The biggie for me is 'appropriate boundaries'. My DHs ex was/is horrid with that and has been for the 20 yrs I was with him. You do what's best for your Daughter and you. Doesn't matter if they are family, inlaws or exes, boundaries need to be set

Hugs

[Virgo]

Do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. I wouldn't make any promises to your fil. Maybe just dance around the topic. If he pushes it then tell him how you really feel about your sil.

[Guest tableforone]

'Scott would not have expected you to keep up relations after he died.' That would be enough for me. The only good thing about my husband dying was leaving behind toxic members of his family. And the competitive grieving on facebook? That makes me want to puke.

 

Sorry your FIL is laying a guilt trip.

[Nuggets]

I call this 'Influence from the Grave' (Urn or *insert storage method here*) and we, as Survivors ... have to make the best decisions for those left standing.  When you die, you can no longer demand, manipulate or influence -- because you're dead. 

 

It would provide your FIL comfort if you assured him that you would continue to be open to a honest & decent relationship with SIL.  It's not your problem if that doesn't exist right now, and may not exist in the future or ever -- but you have no obligation to initiate or mentor that relationship if it will be harmful to your daughter.  You are expected to protect your children, end of story.