Growing suspicious of deceased wife...

[Brenda]

This is awful, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway to get it off my chest.  In going through my wife's stuff after she died, I found that she had a secret email account.  I can't get into it and it's killing me - I don't know why.  (Well, to be honest, I suspect she was using it to communicate to others about me during a rather difficult period in our marriage.)  Tried using the usual passwords we had for such things, but none work.

 

I always trusted her 100%.  She expected the same of me, although I think she thought I was being secretive most of the time (which is just in my nature.)  Now it turns out that she may have had a hidden part of her life.

 

This is eating away at me.  It's like I thought I knew who she was, but now I'm not entirely sure that I did.  Of course, I'm suspecting the worst.  Chances are, it was a harmless backup email account that she never used other than a couple of times to sign up for Ebay or something where she didn't want all the spam going to her regular account.

 

I know it sounds weirdly paranoid, but it bothers me.  It's asking questions that I know I'll never find the answer to, and I want to remember her for the amazing person she was, and not me thinking she was somebody I never really knew properly.  And even if I did get into that account, what would happen if there was stuff in there?  I'd regret knowing, I'm sure.

 

Drop it and move on?  Investigate further?

 

I know, this makes me sound like a crazy bitch of a wife, and maybe it's just grasping at straws to find out more about who my wife really was deep inside.  To be honest, the right thing to do would be to drop it and move on, to remember her for her smile and kindness and cuteness and wit.  All the good things.  Knowing anything bad at this point would only hurt more and wouldn't change the past whatsoever.

 

Yeah, going nuts I guess.

[Jess]

The truth is that we can never know anyone 100%, but we can love them 100%. I think that you would be hard pressed to find anyone here that didn't discover something, be it big or small, that was a surprise and probably often that surprise was disturbing or disappointing. I know I did. I memorialized my husband's FB account early partially to not be tempted to read messages that he exchanged with other people- not because I didn't trust him, but in every marriage you need to communicate outside of your spouse and sometimes that communication can involve venting, etc.

 

You trusted your wife 100%. I think it doesn't harm anything to keep that level of trust in her. The things to hold on to are the things that molded you into the person you are today, and an email account you didn't know about is not one of those things. The account would likely be easily explained by your wife if she was here so I know it is difficult to wrestle with the curiosity and the what ifs, but if all you have is speculation it is not something to hold onto.

[Max2507]

I know I have a few yahoo and gmail accounts that I couldn't remember the passwords to so I had to make a whole new account. It may not be a "secret" account at all. I have not had that happen, finding something I didn't know about, but on the old ywbb I had seen posts about this and most seem like drop it and move on is the best move. One email account is not having a secret life from you. I understand wanting to have more of her, understanding everything but its not possible. Its the worst to have a burning question and never being able to ask that person. There is a lot of obsessing over pointless and futile things in this grieving stuff.

[Lisa]

Dont let doubt eat at you. I would definitely let it go

[anniegirl]

Max's explanation is a good one. And it's good to remember that ppl start and abandon all sorts of accounts on the Internet for reasons that are pretty harmless.

 

Jess is correct too. We can never know absolutely everything about the people we love. And that's okay.

 

Let it go. There is no good reason to torture yourself about this.

[Wheelerswife]

I found some disturbing information about my first husband after he died.  I could not confront him about it.  Some really smart widow friends and a therapist convinced me that I had to let it go (after spending some time processing it all).  His transgression perhaps defined a small part of him, but it wasn't the him that I knew and loved.

 

Honestly, my advice to you would be to let it go.  There is enough pain in the loss of your wife and everything that comes with being widowed.  Don't look for more angst.

 

She loved you.  You loved her.  We are all imperfect.  Remember her for the wonderful love you did have.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[serpico]

I think the 'let it go' advice is great, but maybe not practical.  I was in a similar situation after my wife was killed and it drove me crazy, so I did some digging. Other than some credit card debt and a related savings account that I didn't know about, it was all very innocuous, but I had to know and 'letting it go' would not have been possible.

[Brenda]

Thanks for the advice.  100% right, as ever.  Time to let it go.

[Jen]

((((Hugs))))

[gracelet]

Brenda,

 

Very similar things happened to me.  It sounds like we have a few things in common!

 

I indeed decided to let it go.  She's dead, nothing's bringing her back.  By no means is my wife on a pedestal though!

 

I have the serenity prayer pinned to my noticeboard and I find it helps me.  Whether or not you are religious, the message I think is powerful:

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

There's a heck of a lot I can't change, so I choose to focus my energies on surrounding myself with positive things and positive people in my new journey.

[Skitwin]

You can contact the host and tell them that there is some important information your late wife had in that account, but unfortunately you don't have a password. They'll probably make you scan and send a death certificate and copy of your driver's license, then you can get in. Yes, I have experience with this.

[Brenda]

Thanks Skitwin, just as I'd resolved to let it go...

 

Good to know though, just in case there was anything important in there.  I have the stuff I need (bank info, insurance paperwork, photos, etc.), and the curious side of me is just going to have to get lost.  Nothing good will come from my snooping!

[Hunter]

I went through almost the same exact thing.  Started finding things that I had no clue about to include where she wrote in a book one simple line "I get away with so much"

 

The best advice I can give you....ignore it, let it go, hold onto the woman you knew and loved. 

[kjs1989]

I think what everyone has said here is absolutely true. We all have probably learned things about our spouses since their death. Oh, how I would LOVE to have a conversation with him now.

 

In my case, it was not a secret email account, but it was financial. He had loaned a huge (HUGE!) amount of money to his brother over the course of about ten years. Now I understand why his brother was so alarmed about my husband's accountants "going through files which are none of their business." I have never gotten a straight answer from Brother as to why he borrowed so much money or why D  loaned it to him. Brother certainly  doesn't/didn't need appear to need the cash. He even bought a second home with the money, which I figured out from my own investigation! Meanwhile, when I would mention to D that we should think about getting a different car, fixing something in the house, or taking a vacation, the answer was ," No,  we really need to watch our money right now."