Bringing Your Dating Life and Your Parent Life Together.

[Captains wife]

I struggle with this issue ALOT and I know others have written about this topic with older children - but I have a 4 year old. And I received what I think is bad advice from a kids grief therapist the other day. But feel free to chime in....

 

I have been dating someone for over 12 months - I am happy but its had its ups and downs and we are moving slowly. And I honestly dont know what the future will hold for the two of us. But then again, unlike some people on here, I didnt know when I dated my husband whether I wanted to marry him - I am kind of like that... just cautious...(and picky?) 

 

I only recently introduced new guy to my son at month 11 - and he came over for lunch and we went to the playground at the beach. Since then, we dropped by to say hi to him when I was in town. New guy has very little experience with kids and none of his own but he was good with my son. My son is just realising what happened re: his dad so I dont want to confuse my son by bringing my new guy into the picture too much.

 

New guy has invited the two of us to his summer house for the July 4th weekend + to stay the following week as long as we wanted as he will be staying that week. I thought this was a sweet gesture but I want to limit the trip to 4 days. We already discussed it and I will be staying with my son in the guest room. New guy has some stuff planned for my son - going on the boat, taking him to the local fort, taking him on the local train. I think it will be fun - and new guy seems to really be looking forward to it !

 

But the therapist that I am talking to about my son (and loss) thought this trip wasnt a good idea for all involved and I was a little taken back by her view on this. She thought that 1) I should keep my son and my new guy seperate until I knew more definitively what my future was with him (I dont think its that straight forward plus my son only knows him as my friend) and 2) spending several days together in Maine was likely to be too much for everyone. And that new guy should spend more time with my son before this trip happens (but this isnt really possible given our schedules before then).

 

I guess I dont agree - I need to see how these two can get along and that weekend will give me a good idea of that. Plus we are going as guests. Plus it will be a really nice getaway for my son, who loves nature and the water. Plus I am planning a few things to do with my son (visit my cousin, take him to the local swimming pool) so that new guy can have some of his own down time. I also had a blunt conversation with new guy about the visit and we agreed to be open about spacing issues etc if it gets to be too much for any of the parties.

 

Anyway, I am looking forward to our adventure - and I think it was really kind of new guy to invite us and plan all these events for us. He seems very relaxed about the whole thing. So I think the therapist is over-reacting but admittedly she gave me some food for thought.

[Lmsmdm]

I am childless, so take this with a grain of salt.

 

Although I am lucky, and both of my parents are still alive, they did get divorced when I was eight. The ink had not dried on the divorce papers, and my mother remarried. My father on the other hand took years to do it, and I met MANY a girlfriend. There was only one that I was a bit upset when they split, however I was a kid, and got over it rather quickly.

 

I think it's fine that you are going on this trip. I think your therapist is a bit of a prude. It's not like you met this guy at the bar last night and are going away together with your child. I for one think it's important to see how everyone gets along.

 

Bottom line, is your kids want you to be happy, just as much as you want them to be. I believe we have become a society that coddles our kids too much. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. 

 

[Momtojandj]

Ok so my kids are 15 and 17 . Dated a few guys, this current one is only one to have met kids . I think older kids get it more , that mom is dating .. Hence why I waited to introduce new guy . Even as I call him my friend ,my kids say.. Sure mom .. Your boyfriend.

I think ,for you ,  young son.. You have done everything right.. Separate rooms, your staying with your son in guest room . I think it's a great idea to see how they interact together . And honestly he is young, if you were to break up, not sure he would even remember meeting him. I think the therapist is a prude as well. Your son is a part of the picture , and seeing how well all of you are is key . Best of luck, and report back after he trip .

[lcoxwell]

I am with the other two, in that I agree that children are more resilient than we give them credit for, and that you have taken steps to do things in the right way. For what it is worth, I was attacked, and my first marriage ended, when my children were very young (oldest was 2 and youngest was 14 months). When I reached a point, where I was considering dating, it was important for me to see the interactions and to know that any man I might consider having a long term relationship with was comfortable with my children. I dated one man for two and a half years, and though it did not work out in the end, both my children still remember him fondly.

 

I don't agree with parading multiple dating partners in and out of children's lives, but you have been seeing this man for over a year and your son is young. I say, go enjoy the trip. Let your son have a good time. As you mentioned, you have worked out space issues, if it is needed. If it were me (and one time it was), I would want to know sonner, rather than later, if my child and my partner were going to get along for more than just an hour or two. I would want to observe the interactions, so I would know if there are any red flags to consider.

[mmg19]

From what you have said it seems you have done everything right.  Almost a year getting to know him before introducing your son and his intentions have shown respect.  Space arrangements, activities, and separate time all taken care of. 

 

My boys are 12 and 14 so my perspective is much different than one with a 4 year old.  There is no margin of error in dating and integrating parenting at their age.  No overnights, no sleepover, or even a hint of indiscretion that would discredit what I expect of them as they approach dating relationships, raging hormones, and testing the waters.  Under your circumstances and with a 4 yr. old, I would go.  Maybe the therapist is concerned with attachment and Daddy ideation and feels the relationship is not solid.  You will make the right call. 

[imissdow]

I was divorced with 2 little kids when I met DH.  We were good friends and he actually met my girls before we ever talked about dating.  I knew it was serious from the first date mainly because we were already good friends and had spoken every day for months.  We got married just a little more then a year from our first date. I don't get the sense at all that you are rushing things or that you need to protect your child more. If you were moving him into your house or something I would be really concerned, but its 4 days of your life and if necessary you could leave early.  I think you are wise to plan for time away with just your son and you ,and the sleeping arrangements sound very appropriate. I wonder if the therapist sees  your son as not ready for this or maybe some jealousy is involved.

 

[Lisa]

You seem to know your own mind on this. Counselors are not always correct. Have fun!

[Trying]

I don't think you are rushing anything, you have been cautious before introducing him, you will sleep in the guest room so as not to confuse your son who likely doesn't understand male/female relationship too much.

 

My other though is that you have some issues that are holding you back from jumping in with both feet with this guy.  How can you know for sure if you don't get to see him spend some extended time with your son?  At such a young age he would be an important part of your son's life if you move forward with this relationship in a permanent way so you need to feel good about their relationship just as much as your relationship with him.  This is a great way to get a sense of how he interacts with your son, does he respect and follow your parenting rules? Does he know how to have fun with him or is he more of the "children should be seen and not heard" way of thinking?

 

It's a great sign he invited you both and has put some thoughts into activities your son may enjoy.  I say go for it, have fun!

[anniegirl]

My daughter was four when I began dating my second husband.

 

As it was a long distance relationship, he would come and stay with us.

 

The visits in the beginning were short - never more than a weekend - and she took to my husband (now her father is all sense of the word save biological) very quickly.

 

I agree that it's unwise to expose kids to those we date too soon but at some point, you have to see how they are going to get along.

 

Your therapist is preaching the extreme end of caution and that's probably got a lot to do with her own personal opinions more than it being a generally recognized rule of thumb when dating with kids. But, therapists are sounding boards. In the end, you know yourself, your child and what's best and it's your decision to make.

 

It sounds like a lot of fun and I hope you all enjoy yourselves.

[Sugarbell]

Ugh....Exactly what does she expect you to do??? I think sometimes therapists forget-you are Mom 24/7... you can't take the weekend off while he's at his Dads house.

 

You've been going out almost a year and he's 4??? I think you have been very cautious-good grief. YOU and your son deserve a nice getaway. When my kids were 4 (and I went thru age 4 three different times with each one) I always said I had a play date. At that time my sons still had play dates with boys or girls as did my daughter.

 

They never got attached or really had an issue with it. I have platonic male friends too...and we did things with them...really at 4 they didn't know the difference.

 

Now my kids are almost 8 11 and going on 13. It's much more complicated now!

 

Go have fun.!!

[Guest Mel4072]

I agree that counselor's aren't always right. Besides, a good counselor will guide you to come to your own conclusion based on your own beliefs, not theirs. And they certainly shouldn't offer advice. We all have different circumstances, beliefs and values. Yours should be respected.

[serpico]

And they certainly shouldn't offer advice.

 

Gotta disagree with you here, Mel.  I'd be pissed if my counselor didn't offer advice.

[MissinGrizz]

I agree it's Mel. This is from an article on the topic.

 

"But giving advice is not psychotherapy. Therapy is a place to explore your feelings and learn about yourself. It?s a place of self-discovery. It?s a place to find out how you have become tangled up and a place to learn how to untangle yourself."

[Guest mawidow]

CW, you are doing such heavy lifting with grace. As the childless gf of guy with small kids, I had heard it all: don't get involved quickly, don't meet the kids early on, don't try to be mom... Sooo much advice out there. As you know, things did move quickly, the kids found out about me earlier than planned, and we met. It was hugely helpful for their parents and for me that I spent progressively longer time with the kids and found out how the fit worked. The kids are resilient, but everyone needed to kick the tires before taking the relationship to a deeper level.

 

I hope the weekend gave you what you need. Sending best wishes.