When no one remember the day

[Needytoo]

Hello everyone.  Just wanted to run something by everyone and get your feedback.  On Sunday was the 2nd sad anniversary of my husband death.  The only person that acknowledge it was another widow friend which was very nice. 

 

My last support meeting another member mentioned how no one acknowledge the date for her so I really wasn't expecting any different, but deep down of course I was hurt and so were my kids. 

 

I received one email from my sister-in-law and a text from my  sister apologizing that they forgot.  Not sure how you can forget but they claim they did. 

 

Whammed again with that dam widow fog brain.  I have no clue how to reply to them. 

[Guest littlebirdie]

I don't know what your relationship with them is like, but if it's generally good I'd just say "Thank you for texting me. It's a difficult day and it's nice to feel supported."

 

I wouldn't say anything about them being late because, in my experience, most people do forget after the first anniversary passes. It just doesn't affect them the same way, as we all know too well.

 

[petesgirl77]

Hi Needytoo, I'm sorry to hear about the "forgetters", but I'm glad you made it past another sadiversary and hope you're feeling better than the days leading up. I agree with littlebirdie,  I would only say thank you and not mention the lateness.

 

My feedback after 6 of these crappy days is this: I've learned that people won't remember the way we do. It doesn't mean they don't love or care, but they don't feel that day coming the whole month it's in, like we do. They don't replay the day in their heads as often as we may. This past sadiversary for me fell on a Sunday, as was the day he actually died. For some reason, I think because it really illustrated to me how long he's been gone, I knew it was gonna hit me hard. So you know what I did? I let everyone I thought I may need to lean on know ahead of time.

In the early years, I would wait and see if anyone else would just remember and be there, but that was setting myself up to feel worse than I already did.

So while I would love others to remember, I know they will never truly know how bad that day is for me so they may forget. But by being vocal about it, I get much better support even if it's just someone saying, "I can't imagine how you feel today. I miss him too." For me, that's perfect actually.

 

[Guest Munsen]

I hate to say this but I think most people want to forget about it. Most of the people I know, work hard to avoid any negativity and death is the big negative in this world. Most people didn't remember my hubby's first sadiversary or if they did, didn't say anything to me or our kids. Nor have they remembered any of our important dates.

 

They simply don't (or can't) understand how we cannot forget that day. Nor can we forget their birthday/our anniversary date like they do.

 

I agree with @LittleBirdie. Just thank them for the text and let it go. They simply don't get it.

 

((Hugs))

[Needytoo]

What would I do with out you guys? 

 

Being the 2nd sad anniversary is different than the first.  Still raw but I am really trying not be the hateful angry person I was, because what is the point of it.  It just drains you and doesn't help you at all. 

 

You guys bring me back down to the sane reality of the situation.  Thank you so much for that. 

[BrokenHeart2]

At 21 months I'm feeling a shift and letting go of the anger about people I thought would be there for me for support. I'm realizing they just don't get it. There are others that have stepped up much to my surprise and I am thankful for them.

[Captains wife]

I am going to hit my 3rd sadiversary this May. A lot of people remembered the first year, only a few the second and I am expecting no one except for my immediate and his immediate family to remember this 3rd year date. When people have contacted me on my sadiversary I do respond (the next day) to acknowledge that I appreciate they remembered (in hopes they will continue to remember). But I would let it slide if people (even sisters) forgot - I agree it just doesn't impact others in the same way. For me, May 16th will for a LONG time be THAT day but I know others in our lives don't feel that way. Hope you were good to yourself that day, its not easy having these reminders.

 

 

[Mizpah]

I find that no one remembers except me and his parents.  And as time goes on, I don't find that strange or upsetting.  I can barely remember my friends' birthdays and anniversaries, etc.  These dates are mine and it wouldn't make sense honestly if people remembered them.  It's a mark of special-ness.  We were theirs and they were ours, and these dates are between us and them, except we are the only ones here.  His parents remember.  Sometimes I contact them, sometimes I contact them a few days later, and both of us always feel the same - I would've contacted you, but it's been a rough week. 

[AndysWife]

Nothing of value to add but I wanted you to know that I read your post and it still affects me when people (his family included) forget or ignore his special dates. Intellectually I know that I am being unreasonable but meh - I am what I am.

[anniegirl]

After nine years, no one remembers but me (and his mother though she and I don't speak).

 

It happens. Sooner or later. People just go back to their lives. I don't think it's deliberate indifference and most are genuinely apologetic when they realize the day has come and gone without their acknowledging your loss.

 

The first year - my own mother forgot. As I recall only my bff remembered on the day and my auntie.

 

It's just another reminder of how the journey really is a lonely one.

[Sugarbell]

A few close friends (friends from before Widda hood) do remember. But only because I always wish each of my kids a Happy Birthday on there birthday on FB...He died on middle sons bday (and it's the son who looks just like him)...They always send me a private message-I never acknowledge the day publicly because my sons birthday has always been the main focus of the day.

 

 

And one widow friend...who I met on here years ago-we've been FB friends for 5 years...She's an 07 wid. Her husband died the day after mine-so we always remember each other.

 

Friends in new life-not a one...but I like it that way.

[mokie]

Honestly I don't really expect people to remember, and am surprised when someone does.  I have a couple of friends who send me a message, but it's not a day I really want to mark any more.  I'd rather remember the life we had than the day he left it.  (But then, I couldn't even tell you the day my dad died... I don't even really remember the year...)

[Guest nonesuch]

No one in my life remembers, either.

 

In all honesty, I don't remember the day my cousin's husband died.  I do remember the day my Dad died, but I don't recall saying anything to my Mom about it. On the first anniversary of her sister's death, I sent an email to my friend that I was thinking of her.

 

  I don't think people are intending to be unkind.  I suspect it's really cultural.  In America, we have the heeby-jeebies about dying. We will all take that journey one day.  Ultimately, the death rate is 100%.  As young widows, we're acutely aware of that.  Other peoplehave the option of avoiding it.

[Carey]

My husband died on his birthday, and that seems to trigger a lot of people to remember. This past November 23rd was my first sadiversary and it was a doozy. It was also the day my family was celebrating Thanksgiving. It was a Sunday. ( It was Sunday morning when I found out Chad was gone forever) Long story short, I was cooking the turkey to take, and get a phone call that they are eating and where am I? Not only did they forget what the day was, they changed the time for dinner and didn't tell me. So not only was it Chad's birthday and the first anniversary of the day he died but thanksgiving and we got left out. We didn't go. My best friend came over and just laid down with me and held me for hours though.  Many on facebook remembered but I think that's because they were reminded it was his birthday. That day just doesn't leave a hole for others like it does for us. I think nonesuch is right, it makes people think of their own, or their loved ones' mortality too much maybe.

[Out_of_the_Blue]

As each year passes, fewer people remember. My kids, husband's sister and my mother remembered his 6th sadiversary this month.

 

Because I'm now in this boat, I try hard to remember other's sadiversaries, but I'm afraid I don't always. I know my mother lost her husband in October two years ago, but I don't remember the exact date unless I ask her. A neighbour lost her husband this past August and I have written the date on my calendar so I can remember it because now I know how important it is for people to acknowledge that date.

 

Two of my new friends, who never met my husband, did know about the date for me this month, were very caring, and made sure I kept busy that day, but that's because I told them it was a difficult day.I realized this year that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, remind them of the date, and then they circle the wagons and make sure I'm ok.

[fairlanegirl]

I find that no one remembers except me and his parents.  And as time goes on, I don't find that strange or upsetting.  I can barely remember my friends' birthdays and anniversaries, etc.  These dates are mine and it wouldn't make sense honestly if people remembered them.  It's a mark of special-ness.  We were theirs and they were ours, and these dates are between us and them, except we are the only ones here. 

We were theirs and they were ours - that resonated with me, thank you. Four years just past and parents and one of my brothers only messages. But I realise it is not because friends don't care - I have never been that good with dates.