I was wrong.

[Candace]

I believed that if I survived the loss of my husband, I had survived the worst thing (outside of losing a child) that the future might throw at me.

 

I passed the 3 year mark in January and was flying high.  I didnt have a meltdown,I was starting a new job and had begun dipping my toes in the water of dating.

 

In February I lost a  very dear friend fo over 30 years after a long fight with cancer.  I stopped dating.

 

My dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone cancer) that is attacking his kidneys.  He is on chemo once a week and dialysis 3 times a week.  He is elderly, and I am grateful for the years he has been here for my siblings and I.  But I know he doesnt have long, and the pain watching this vibrant hero losing ground and becoming more exhausted and so helpless with cancer has reawakened the memories of losing DH.  I didnt think it was possible to feel so broken again, but I do.  And I am back to the beginning.  The shock, the disbelief, that endless pain.

 

I have become paralized again.  Back to sleeping as long as I can, hating to wake up.  At his age, the dialysis and chemo are grueling and he is so tired of fighting.  And I see the same symptoms I saw in DH and my mother at the end; when the kidneys shut down and their legs and torso look like elephantitus.  And that same helpless feeling.  Unable to focus, or eat, and barely able to remember to feed the cats and dogs. 

 

His oncologist said the decision was solely up to him; that eventually the treatment would take its toll and he would have to decide when it was time to let go; to spend his last days in his home with family.  I always promised that I would keep fighting because I could never put him thru the death of his child. 

 

I'm so tired of fighting this; that stabbing heartache over and over again.  I dont know if I will make it this time.  Each time I think about entering the house I grew up in and him not being there sends me spiraling into the same darkness.  I am more than 30 lbs underweight now, and feel like I am in the same nitemare over and over again.  I've lost the ability to feel joy; all I see are the pains that lay ahead.  More loss.  And sometimes I think that I will only find peace when I too cross over and see all those loved one I could never stop missing.

 

I've been on meds for depression for over 10 years.  All I can think now is how much I need Arnie now; to help me thru this; to hold me close and tell me it will be okay.  But he 's not.  And I cant do this alone again.

[ManutesGirl]

I'm so sorry Candace.  No words...just know that I am thinking of you and praying for strength for you and your Dad.

[Lmsmdm]

No words of advice here either... Just big big hugs, I am so sorry.

[Out_of_the_Blue]

My heart breaks for you.

 

You're already grieving for your father and the pain is immense.

 

Waves will hit and you'll think you won't make it but then they subside and the pain eases a bit.

 

It's so tough to go through this without  your husband but somehow you will do it.

 

All you can do right now is go minute by minute, day by day. Stay in the moment and don't think too far ahead. Breathe.

 

Come here to 'talk' because we've all known this kind of suffering and most likely will again.

 

 

 

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry. I hope the medical staff is able to keep your dad comfortable, and you are able to find your inner strength. You can. You will. I can sadly relate to a lot of what you posted. My mom died just 3 months before my husband did. She had ALS, awful disease. A good friend of ours was diagnosed with multiple myeloma just a few weeks after my husband was diagnosed with leukemia (ALL.) He will be starting his third round of chemo. My dad has cirrhosis. I just don't think my daughters and I could handle another loss. I am hoping my dad will stop drinking, but I don't see that happening. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my daughters to provide for. They definitely put things into perspective for me.

[SoVerySad]

Candace, I'm so sorry your father is so ill and his illness has brought the grief over losing your husband and mother back so acutely. It is very hard not to have our spouses to lean on when we are hurting so much. I wish I knew how to help you feel a little better.

 

Sending you love and tight hugs...

[linda5]

Candance, just want you to know that I'm thinking and praying for you and your Dad. 

[Grammy]

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry.  I will keep you in my thoughts.  (((Hugs)))

[lcoxwell]

Candace, I have come back to your post a few times, over the last couple of days, wanting to have something meaningful and helpful to say. I truly just have no words and no advice, that doesn't sound like I am trying to patch up a gaping wound with a bandaid. I truly am sorry for all that you are going through, and wish there was something more I could do or say, to take your pain away. All I can say is to just keep focusing on getting through one minute at a time, just keep breathing, and just keep turning to the resources you have for support.

[RobFTC]

I am so sorry you're hurting so much, Candace.  People are in your corner.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Trying]

Candace, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad and how difficult this all is for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers with your anticipatory grief and with your own health.  Please get some help for self so are physically able to handle what is such an emotional time.""

[mmg19]

Thoughts and prayers to you Candance.  Hope your Dad is comfortable and you will have some quality time with him.  Take care of yourself and know we are here.

[anniegirl]

Candace, I am so sorry you have having to carry this heavy load by yourself. You mention that you are on meds for depression. Have you talked to your DR about how the stress and sorrow are impacting you. Perhaps you need a prescription change or a referral to a therapist? It's not going to change reality but it might provide you with some relief.

 

Also, is there a group/organization that supports caregivers in your area? If there is, think about contacting them. They might be able to help.

 

I know it's hard but taking care of yourself first is the most important thing you can do. Take it one day at a time. Don't put any pressure on yourself about the future. It cant wait.

 

 

[Candace]

Thank you all for your understanding; The chemo and dialysis werent working and he has been home (with hospice) for the last 10 days.  brothers and sister are in.  They all moved out of state after college; I lived with him thru my mothers cancer and returned almost 4 years ago because I know how much he missed having at least one child near by. 

 

They told me I could hold his hand but to stop caressing his arm and whispering to him because I was holding up his transition to the other side.  I was with him when he became awake briefly and was fully cognizant.  I know how hard Arnie wanted to wake up but they kept giving him a sedative and I was furious when my sister wanted to give him valium. 

 

He was very warm but they wouldnt put o a fan because what the hell did I know?  I knew his wife would have a sweater on and he would be down to a t shirt and he disliked the heat.  Today hospice suggested a fan.  They keep telling me to step up to the plate but my sister (in a single bed next to his) was irritated when I spend the night curled up in a chair next to him.

 

I came home last night;  he was still lucid and I hugged him, told him to give Mom a big kiss and hug for me and to tell Arnie

I miss him everyday.  I'm tired of the daily tirades abvout my weight loss.  I finally snapped and told them when they had a PhD and an MD after their names I MIGHT listen.  Until then, I listen to my GP and discuss all the annual blood tests, scans, MRI etc. 

 

My dad told my brothers to watch over my finances.  Even tho I graduated with a 3.9 gpa, I am apparently totally incompetent to make decisions on my own.  I thought having them here would help, but I feel ostrasized from the circle the three of them share, and that hurts even more.  I know what the next phone call will be.  I need my husband to be here to help me thru this, but he's not.  Like everyone here, I have had some very dark times and all that kept me here was the decision I would never put my father thru the loss of a child.

 

My house is a mess, the yard looks like the amazon forest and I honestly dont give a damn.  I've gone numb again and planning for the future seems futile.  I prefer the numbness of both my heart and mind, its almost like being awake in just a hazy sort of way.

 

I try and look ahead and all I see are visions of the things to be, and more loss and pain.I had really believed that one day I would find joy and hope again.  In January, I had even started to tentatively date again.  Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?  For me, yes.  I just dont want to go thru this over and over again.

[Guest nonesuch]

There are no words.  Sending hugs.

[HvnBound]

(((Candace))) I am so sorry that you are going thru this, big hugs to you.