sojourner

Congratulations, Ronda, and best wishes for the future! When I married LH, we walked down the aisle together... it was just our own personal preference, and I preferred the symbolism of it. So, it's just another option. If you think you might hurt his feelings by not asking him, that's worth discussing with him. If it's simply a matter of deciding on your preferences, maybe try to really picture and visualize the various scenarios of proceeding down the aisle, and observe how you feel about them? All the best to you & your spouse-to-be!

This. Some of us who've been widowed have relatively straight-forward stories, some of us have losses complicated by life-crap that we were aware of beforehand, or that came up later after their death, and regardless, as individuals, we all experience our loss in ways as individually as the personalities with which we were created. We all handle our individual circumstances in our own ways, *as do those* who've never been married, who've divorced, had failed significant relationships, etc. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out; many, most??, in life don't, statistically, really. May or may not have anything to do primarily with the fact of one person having experienced the death of a spouse. There's no *one* experience, you know. We're just all individual human beings with our own makeup, whether single, divorced , widowed, etc. I don't accept just the fact of having been widowed that makes "the widowed" as a whole noncommittal. The other thing is, just saying, we only have your own view/perception as you present it of your relationship with an individual who was widowed... the ending of relationships can be, but most commonly are not, one-sided. Best wishes to you for the relationship you desire.

Rob, I'm so sorry... prayers, yes, you got 'em, for clarity and peace on wherever your road ahead ultimately leads. Peace to you and yours- Sojourner

Remembering all my fellow mothers here on Mother's Day- peace and love to all, and hopes for happiness, be it now or further down your road, depending on where any one of us are on our journeys. Today was quiet, which was suitable to me on a dark, cloudy day. Went to church, heard something from most of the "kids," went out for a nice hot bowl of pho (Vietnamese noodle soup), came home and watched "Mummy" movies 😉 ... started with the 1932 original, now on the 50's Abbot & Costello version. (Don't know if I'm up for even the '97 version- it looks good, but my gore tolerance is about a zero, so I don't know... I get nightmares at basically nothing. 😒) I feel like watching Mummy-movies is a new Mother's Day tradition for me, as an all-but empty nester!

Yeah, as sudnlysngl said, absolutely, whatever is an option from how you used to hang out would be so great!!! Treat him as your friend like you always have, alongside of keeping with his hospice care plan. End of life comfort care may involve various medications which need to be taken into consideration. For whatever it's worth, (or not), I never have said goodbye. I've said, " 'til next time," or "I'll see you soon." In our views of eternity, we've been good with that in my family, but that's my situation. Just say what you feel needs to be said between you guys, or whatever you feel is fitting for him/his family if they're present. Every situation is different, but I'm sure you'll be able to find the best path for your friend and yourself. At the end of the day, we just do what we can, knowing we can't change just how bad this hurts when all is said and done. And my sympathies to you and the rest of his loved ones.

Serpico, I'm so sorry that his passing is apparently fast approaching. Prayers for a quick and comfortable passing for your friend when his time comes. My LH and oldest sister both passed from cancers; I know what it's like to pray for loved ones to depart once it's extremely clear there'll be no earthly healing and you see them suffer. Prayers for peace and comfort for his family and friends.

Feeling it too; it was 4 years in May. In the meantime... My body seemed to just crash; 2 major and 2 minor surgeries to resolve joint problems. Sold my dream house/little acreage and moved into an overpriced smaller house in a stiffling city subdivision to be near close family (one of whom was terminally ill; since passed 7 mo's ago). Dealt with my own grief and depression along with that of my kids, alongside regular teen issues with kids that were maginified by everything we went through. Yadda yadda yadda... I'm finally getting back full mobility and fitness, kids' issues are resolving and settling down, planning another move (property taxes *doubled* in under three years; not kidding). I'm looking forward to moving. Wanting to develop more of a social life. But it's like I've worked so hard to get my family and myself to a more stable place in life that now I haven't got any energy left to get to a growth place in my life. Maybe it's just a phase, and I simply need a breather to process everything-from his illness and death all the way through to all the collateral losses to this point- before I'll be ready to shift from neutral into drive again. But for now, I feel completely unmotivated to actually do a darn thing. I definitely hear what you're saying about feeling stuck.

Sure thing, rooshy; I'm so sorry he's had to enter the ranks of the widowed, and for the rest of the family having lost their mother, grandma, etc.

I'm so very sorry, lcoxwell! Prayers for peace and comfort for you and your daughter on this anniversary of his tragic loss, and for the renewed grief for your husband this brings!

Eddienhp, what a blessing it had to have been to have her in your family's life! I'm sorry for your loss of such a wonderful person.

Finished a blazing hot day 3 of helping with a garage sale of my BIL's, along with my other sister and other of their friends & family, to disperse many of my late eldest sister's articles of living. Heart-wrenching yet fulfilling as well, as many people left very happy. Settling in on a (yet again) torrential rainy night following the heat of the day with an old classic black and white movie LH loved, which is also set on a stormy night. Feels fitting. (Key Largo, for any other classic movie buffs.) ... Dang it all... right now just lost movie streaming right after a big lightning cluster!! At least didn't lose all power, but now I'm bummed!! 😒 well, crap. Hooray! Streaming service back up! Maybe I can finish my movie!! 😃

Yes, just as Julester says, weddings are hard. I'm a touch over 4 years out now. I've actually attended several family weddings since (the first 6 weeks out, and barely made it through that), and wasn't blindsided out of the blue running across one. I hope for all joy possible for them and their brides/grooms and am happy for them, but still, it's sure tough being there, with my own memories of the hopes & dreams we had had, never thinking back then that it would end before we grew old together. Peace to you, Steph.

Wishing the best Father's Day possible to all our dads among us here! This is my family's fourth one since losing LH. No real plans for the day, other than I got a vase of flowers in his memory, as I typically do to mark special days of remembrance. Peace to all!

Just wanting to say thank you this Memorial Day (in the U.S.) to all our vets, active service members and also all others who work to protect the general public. Thank you for your service, and thanks to you and your families for all your sacrifices. Special remembrances for those here who have lost their spouses or other loved ones in the course of that service!

I'm so sorry things have gone this way, lmsmdm. Continuing to remember you all in prayer.

Trying, consider a virtual candle lit in memory and honor of your wedding day 25 years ago. It does matter, maybe only to our own hearts, but our memories matter. We remember. 🕯️

Hearing you, Leadfeather; peace and strength to you.

Prayers for all of you, Lmsmdm!

He died four years ago today. It feels both like forever ago and like it's happening now. For the most part, I'd say I'm beyond active grieving, but then there are moments where I feel like I've just begun. There's been so much collateral damage; my old life has been completely demolished. Virtually everything in this unwelcomed new life is still about doing what has to be done for the survival of my kids and me, and learning how to cope with the enormity of it all. In about another year, I'll have an empty nest- I have such mixed feelings about that! Getting my youngest through high school and working to get her in a better state mentally/emotionally has been a huge challenge, but I think we're getting there. Once she (hopefully) graduates and fledges, I'll be able to focus on rebuilding my own life in more positive ways (probably involving another move), instead of this treading water that I'm doing now. In my old life, I just never in my worst nightmares thought that I'd be facing the empty nest alone.

Thank you for your Mother's Day wishes, RIFF. Peace to you today. Father's Day has a similar effect on me.

So does he have a single brother by any chance, in the 50 to 60 or so age range, patswife? 😉 Seriously, though, thank you for sharing your experience of your new love with us, and congratulations!! I figure I'm pretty much in that place that puts better odds on me being hit by falling space debris than finding a new good match in a mate! 😏 All the best to you both!

It's good you were able to put your finger on another piece of the puzzle of what was triggering you, hikermom. The subconcious is an incredible thing! And it makes sense that the losses you identified intensified your reactions. Is there any way you can take a transplant/plant division or two, or seeds, from any of your parents' plants with you? I don't know if your townhouse gives you any garden space. (I still have a division of a flowering shrub of my grandmother's from way far back; this last move was rough though due to the season, and almost didn't make it. It sounds silly, but I'd have been really upset it it'd died. But it's a physical reminder of a tie back to another important person and time.) Sympathies, best wishes, and hopes for your move and getting settled again! I feel for you!

Just a thought, which may or may not apply, but in case it helps in some way- under U.S. federal law (should you be US citizens), each year one is allowed to gift a certain amount to each child, as well as their spouse. The current year I believe the amount is $15,000 per person. If you desire to marry but wish to protect your childrens' inheritances, an early/gradual dispersal of your estates in that manner may be of benefit, if it works into your general financial status/estate planning, etc. I have no experience with things like trust funds, so I don't know whether there're any options open to you there! Best wishes to you!

Hikermom, I'm almost 4 years out from DH's death, and moved from my dream home/little hobby farm outside a small town almost 2 years ago, with many of the same reasons and concerns. It was hard, and I miss it, but it was the right decision. I had few connections there and was feeling isolated (we'd only moved there for LH's job). Also, I was in need of major knee surgeries, which made upkeep hard. In moving, I was also able to spend more time with my late eldest sister before she died of cancer recently. I still hold out hope that once my youngest graduates and some other matters are resolved that I can move out a little to a home that's a little more rural. But I have no doubt that I needed to make the move; it was the right decision.

Thanks, Lewis! Looks nice; now to explore around the "new neighborhood" to check out the functions/options, etc., and try not to get lost! 😉