sojourner

I'm so sorry for your Love's death, hbf- it's pretty much the worst loss that can ever happen to a person. Since we've all suffered this loss of our spouse/partner, even though by many different means, we understand your feelings here. I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome. Talk and vent and read here as you need to- it can help tremendously. These are very rough, early days of grief you're in- take care of yourself, sleep when you can, don't forget to drink water and eat, and be gentle with yourself.The passage of time will tend to soften the sharp, jagged edges of the death of our loved one, but honestly, there're many, many ups and downs along the way. Hang in there. As for "why"- that's so hard!! Human destiny is that we'll all die.... the when, where, how, & why? No easy answers at all! I'm 3 and a half years out now, and I can still get myself crazy if I get caught up in trying to figure out why. Speaking only for myself, ultimately, I've trusted in my God's plan and purpose in life and in death. That does NOT mean it makes any of this easy, and it sure doesn't mean I like it!! Those of others faiths or no faith will have other views of course, and many people see it as all random. Peace to you; it can be a great comfort to be among others who've shared this loss, and get your feelings.

I hope the engagement party goes/went smoothly, hopon. I get the bittersweetness of the day; he should have been there with you, for this and so many other milestones and events. Wishing you peace.

Poignant and beautiful; thanks for this link, Lisa.

I get that about the day being linked to a holiday or certain time of year. LH and I were married on Saturday of Labor Day weekend; despite how the actual date rotates through the week, that day always feels like my anniversary. Passover time is when we had to tell the kids he wouldn't make it. And the 3rd Saturday of May/the Friday after Mother's Day- is always when he died, in my mind. I always acknowlege the big days one way or another, even if it's just getting flowers in the house in remembrance. Peace to you as you make your way forward in this new life, Leadfeather.

I hear you, klim. I could write parts of this myself with each of my kids. They ranged in age from 13 to very early 20's when their father died. Somewhere along the way, I read about ways a child losing a parent during adolescence can be challenging- they're in a stage where in the "normal" world, they're on their way to separation from their parent/s and developing independence. The death of a parent can short out and completely throw off the process of gaining their own identities/independence. If there were already pre-existing challenges (anxiety, depression, etc.), this effect is compounded. And that has been my experience. (I also think their experience of their dad's 2 yrear illness in a losing battle took an additional toll. I think that alone would have still taken it's own toll had he not died.) That's wonderful that your son is getting his bearings, and was able to express himself like that! You're right to be proud of him! Still experiencing mixed developments in my household, but I've seen some great strides toward healthy independence in my family too, which makes me very proud of them, too- and greatly relieved in some cases, frankly!

Lewis, your intro and performance were so touching and beautiful! Thank you for sharing your link with us here. Sojourner

I have a lot of those same thoughts and reactions regarding kids' milestones and elderly couples. (When there're anouncements for 50th wedding anniversaries- which there's now no chance I'll ever have- seems the good-natured question always asked is what their secret is... I wistfully think, well, first off, neither one died....) Last evening I got the word that I have a good offer on my dream house with LH, where we were going to live the rest of our lives- which, I guess, he did... just not as planned :-\ . I moved over a year ago after it was supposed to be sold, just waiting for the closing, but the deal fell through at the last minute. It's as if a dam burst open all last night, with an endless stream of memories pouring out in a flood, as if I were reliving our lives together in a big jumbled rush. Today I feel exhausted, but I need to go through the neccesary business of processing the paperwork to accept the offer. It's a good thing, as it was no longer the right place for me and the kids to be, and frankly an overdue economic neccesity. But it's sure bringing the memory of all our crushed plans and dreams back up to the surface, at 3 and a half years out as of today. (Edited to correct a typo- been making lots of those lately! Right hand is in a brace as it recovers from carpel tunnel surgery!)

God's peace and comfort to you today on this anniversary of his passing, and always, JustMom1215. Thank you for your post and for sharing your experiences.

I understand what you're saying with your mom's passing as being a natural thing. In the time since my husband's death, most of my remaining aunts and uncles, along with my father, passed over. All in their upper 80's to upper 90's, and most with one degree or another of dementia... An appropriate lifespan, and all ready to move on, compared to him. Yet, I still miss their presence, as I'm sure you'll miss your mom's. Peace to you.

My "Before...," Friday nights were a big couples night for the "us" we used to be. My earliest Friday nights "after" were just waiting for the earliest chance to go to bed to get the night over with, frankly. Just short of 3 and a half years after being with him for his last morning in this world, I'm starting to have a little more free weekend energy and time to figure out who I am now, and what to do with my time (when I'm not dealing with an outbreak of teen trauma/drama). For me, it's actually something that's built on an appreciation my LH had for old-school black and white movies, '30's to '50's. It started with his thing for old classic WW2 wartime films like Casa Blanca that he introduced to me. He grew up in the cornfields outside Chicago, so he also gifted me with an appreciation for a dang good sharp horn line in jazz along with some deep bass in the blues that he was exposed to. We met and married in St. Louis, and had many good nights out for the music, and good nights in with the old school movies. So, now, for "just" me :-\ , I've discovered this treasure trove of reeeealy schlocky old time sci-fi movies on a streaming service that I'm really enjoying. Granted, in that era, there can be some really obnoxious racism/sexism type stuff going on, yet there can be some compelling views of the future as well. It was an era on the bridge between horse and buggy days, and missions to space. The "impossible" things that actually happened in those days! Can we even imagine?! So as I/we rebuild, beyond what we knew, or thought we knew, I guess for me, I'm appreciating the imaginative leaps into the future these old movies represent, and how they tie together my "old days" and what my future may bring. So, that's my new Friday night thing, I guess! Maybe not fabulously exciting, but improving from going to bed at 7 or 8 just to get the evening over with. Anybody can feel free to add any New Now Friday night things they might have! (My feature film this evening, btw, was Cat-Women of the Moon! Good stuff! )

Not quite there just yet, but can relate to a lot of what you're saying. Glad you're transitioning into a more resolved, settled place in life.

I get it, Mrskro; will there soon, myself.

Remyswife, I'm so sorry for you losing your dad, and all the circumstances around it. My LH had appeared to be improving and responding to treatment near what turned into the end of his cancer battle, but then went into a sharp decline and passed very quickly. I know what it's like to be expecting more time and then having the rug yanked out from under you. I'm sorry you had to experience that with your dad, and without the support of your husband. Peace and comfort and endurance to you!

Yeah, fall used to be my favorite time of year... now, meh. Wedding anniversary time, birthday time. I just had *that* birthday- the one where, if your spouse was the older one, you turn the age they were when they died. In roughly 6 months, I'll have had more time in this world than he got.

Mark, I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like keeping his privacy was paramount to him and he took measures to protect it, so please don't second guess yourself. It's wonderful that you're planning a way to support his partner in her loss.

Yeah, "the face"... that mask, that shield... and I'm not always sure whom I'm protecting more. Myself from unwelcome comments, or them in their innocence and in that naivete of those whose domain is still the land of togetherness, birthdays, anniversary celebrations...? Hard to blame them; I used to live in that neighborhood myself.

I completely get it. The birthdays, anniversaries and other special days that maybe only I remember... and even if they did remember, virtually no one in my daily life can know what it's like through widowed eyes and hearts. (And at times I think it's better to hear nothing than listening to minimizing platitudes from some of them.) Usually I get myself a vase of flowers to honor the memory and the significance of the day. It's just my way of expressing that these days do matter. Peace to you today!

Such a mix of bittersweet and sweet in how you found yourselves back together; much happiness to you both!

I'd keep my eyes open but try not to worry excessively. If you do happen to see her lurking around, don't hesitate to address the situation with law enforcement. If she's hinted at any threatening behavior, though, you might pre-emptively call the non-emergency law enforcement desk to discuss your concerns, asap. They can advise you with any recommendations, and it gives them a little heads-up. Hopes and prayers for peace to prevail!!

Ugh... that's a big rotten crap pile of a day, wow. Shame on your former "friend;" sounds like she has a set pattern of misdirecting her anger, and in a downright sadistic way. I hope you can block her on all tech fronts. And the court proceedings as well... Feeling for you on all fronts, especially with your support circle being unavailable today!

These milestones can be so hard. :'( Peace to you this day especially.

There's so much our minds and hearts have to process with our losses, Algos, and so few in our "real" lives who get that, as you've already found. Writing it out can be a big help when we either don't have anyone to talk to, or just can't, for whatever reason. Your FIL sounds like a nightmare. That he could even think that, to say nothing about saying it to anybody at all, least of all your daughter!? What a sadistic, nasty excuse for a human being. Continuing hopes and prayers for peace for you and your daughter especially.

Listening to what you're expressing.

Don't wash it off, at least for now. And sorry if it sounds even weirder, but photogragh it. And save it, maybe print it out on a framed canvas at a photoshop, so even when it does disappear thru age or necessity or your will, if you want it, it's still there for you. Lh left a handprint on a screen at our former home- unlike him to lean on a window itself instead of it's framing, but cancer poisoned his brain and in many ways he wasn't himself in the last months. The print is still there. And I have it recorded also, since I have to sell our dream house and have moved. Just my opinion, at over 3 years out.

I'm so sorry, boyo. Peace to you in this terrible time and always.