sojourner

Sapperswife, I feel for you with your situation with your young adult children! I wish I had some magic tricks, but I'm just not that lucky! DH died 4 years ago come mid-May. He died the day of the eldest's college graduation, and a couple days after my 2nd's first year of college ended. The younger two still had a couple weeks left of their high school year. The older two already were in treatment for pre-existing ADHD/anxiety/depression, exacerbated by my LH's 2-year cancer battle. Our two younger kids were adopted very young, but hit very hard by the realization they'd now lost their second father. Especially my youngest, who'd struggled with insecurity in bonding. On top of that, my eldest was a huge Daddy's girl who'd had LH wrapped around her little finger. For the first year after LH's death, my eldest put off graduate school, and the second dropped out of college and both moved home. While it might sound nice to have all the kids home in the aftermath of his death, it was a nightmare. My eldest took out her anger on me (there's no doubt she wished it had been me), and was very disruptive. My second mostly hid in her room. My younger ones limped through school. I had a counselor involved. The younger two especially were drawn into what we'll call seeking out unhealthy male attention. I was so drained by LH's illness and shell-shocked that he'd actually died I don't even remember a lot of detail from that time, other than it was really bad. (LH was initially told at diagnosis he'd have a survival of up to a couple decades and was potentially curable.) In the meantime, painful knee damage caught up with me, and I realized I'd need replacements. There's more, but that's the jist of things. Fast forward to today. My oldest started graduate school the following year- I think she couldn't wait to get away from me! (We get along well now.) With my second, I kept nudging her towards a timeframe of school (or work). She didn't want to return to the same school though, so I helped her check out another school, which turned out to be a much better fit, and she seems to have found her niche. It reinforced to her how if at first you don't succeed, try again. She's now both in school and has a part-time job, and is enjoying her independence. Two years after LH's death, my third (barely) graduated high school and remained very depressed. After her graduation, we moved several hours away to be closer to family for a number of reasons, including attending to my knees. For most of that first year after graduation, she mostly played online games, although she did like our new town better. Every so often, I'd discuss what her plans might be with her. As time progressed with no change on the horizon, I let her know, calmly, that she needed to at least take a class or two through the community college *now* as we'd discussed, or she needed to get a job, *now.* I gradually increased my insistance, but continued to avoid getting emotional about it as much as possible- just tried to keep it matter-of-fact. I arranged for her to talk to the community college. She ended up with a couple false starts with classes, then got a full time fast food job. After 6 months or so of that, school started to look pretty good again, and she now is in an apartment and is motivated in school. Now... as for my youngest, 18 and with another year of high school left... ach du lieber! I really have to check myself to not speak or act out of frustration or anger, and keep my words and actions accepting of her as my daughter even while- especially while- addressing her behavior when she acts out. It's difficult to motivate her towards positive behavior and achieving much at school. She has no danger "radar," and is drawn to high risk behaviors and unmotivated "friends." I keep on working with her school, a tutoring program, and her new counselor here. For me, I have a different counselor who I see, and I have a pastor whose insight I respect as I continue to slog through on this path with her to try to guide her towards a positive life. And I pray- a LOT! I'm just a flawed human being, and I do a whole bunch of praying to be able to speak the truth in love, for kindness, for self-control, and for peace, etc.!! That empty nest is coming- sometimes too soon and others not soon enough! Each kid is different; childhood's hard enough without losing a parent, as ours have. I guess the overall strategy I've found most effective so far towards moving my more reluctant young adults in a positive direction has come down to continuing to help them manage any underlying health conditions, trying to remain calm and matter-of-fact, expressing my expectations of them persistently while hopefully avoiding arguing, discussing pros and cons of different kinds of post-HS education vs working, and seeking guidance from others whose wisdom/insight I respect, as needed. (And the praying!!) After some delays and some false starts, 3 of my four so far seem to be hitting their strides, and there're even some signs of positive direction with my youngest. All I know is that once my youngest is launched, I'm going to find some kind of tour group and take a long trip... with NO kids!!! One thing I'm really lacking is finding an adult group of friends in my new town- I just haven't had the energy!! But I miss the adult time for keeping perspective. Peace and best wishes to you, Sapperswife, with finding what works for your young adults!

Well, I would, but can we make it someplace tropical instead? I live in the Midwest, and frankly I'm sick and tired of the cold!

I can only say I'm hearing you, SS. I've had much loss in the almost 4 years since DH died, though of some different natures and not involving divorce. I get how it is to need to move when you don't want to (I had health complications, now resolved, plus the elder of my two sisters- my best friends- developed terminal cancer and now recently passed, and I moved to be in close proximity as a combined way of handling both circumstances plus some other elder parent plus offspring stuff- it's complicated, with lots of juggling of what feels like a million things). Am feeling extra raw on the pet thing, as yesterday I finally dealt with the inevitable and had one of our pets in very failing health put to sleep, as it was the only right thing to do by him. I keep trying to move towards a life that's about living, not loss and death, but that's yet to come into being for me yet. I'll keep trying... there's no going back, after all. Peace to you now, and may there be better days ahead for you, me and all of us.

I made teddy bears for our children out of his favorite old flannel shirts. Patterns are available online. The ones I made are sitting, and a little over a foot tall. It was a little tricky- had to get help with the first one. But the hardest part was the actual cutting up of his favorite shirts; kind of brought home hard how he was really gone and not coming back. :'( But I'd do it again. Oh, and I also tied one of his novelty ties on each bear.

Thanks, BH2, and likewise to you. I feel like I have 2 time frames to the count down to his passing, since Easter Sunday varies year to year. The week between Palm Sunday and Easter was when we got the final word that all treatments had failed, and we had to break that news to our children and family. Easter was later in April that year, and he died mid-May. This year it feels so drawn out with Easter Sunday tomorrow already. With my sister's recent passing added to it, I've been in a deep funk the past few days. I'm so not into all the commercial Easter trappings at all since his passing, and even more so now. The spiritual significance conversely is greater than ever. However, tomorrow after church I'll dutifully join my family at the brunch which I arranged, make the best of it, and join in supporting my late sister's husband in his first holiday/Easter without her. I really don't like big crowded holiday brunch restaurants, but I know what it's like to be in a tradiitional family setting all alone for the first time. I think it was the right decision- he seemed downright relieved when I suggested brunch out rather than family hosting in one of our homes.

At some point during the ceremony, the Bishop reminded all in attendance of those that could not be there. So he mentioned my Dad, the brides dear cousin and her grandfather and my late wife. Mentioned them all by name. Ouch. :'( A wonderful gesture but . . . Oh, wow. Yeah, coming from a good place, but ouch!

I feel for you, too. It hit me the other day that, while I'm now the same age in years that he was when he died, in terms of months I've now had a longer life in this world than he had.

Home alone tonight, watching old Star Trek: Enterprise reruns on Hulu. They're actually new to me, as I never watched when it was originally out, and never got around to it before now. I figure it counts as Sexy Widowed Saturday Night because, you know... Scott Bakula!

This brings to mind the old saying, "With friends like that, you don't need enemies." Friends don't treat you that way. If he just will not let it drop, I'd avoid seeing him. To me, he's crossed the line from being out of line to harrassing you. Alternately, you can ask him how much money he makes, how much he pays in taxes, what exactly he takes for deductions, what kind of birth control he and his wife use, etc., all out of concern to figure how much he's paying for you! 8) And give him the bill for your next house payment directly, to leave out the bother of the gov't middleman! 8)

I hear you about the purging, hikermom. I've already moved once, and didn't get half the purging done that needed doing beforehand. That added unnecessary expense to the move, in addition to more stuff in boxes I don't have room for here. I'm contemplating another move, and find now I'm in a better frame of mind for it. LH wasn't into keeping alot of stuff around that wasn't practical. There're various tools around, for example, but I'm keeping those. (Truth is I'm more handy in a number of ways than he was, and probably used them more anyway.) His old school turntable and stereo stuff- keeping that. I've been weeding through old books- textbooks, going. Novels, keeping at least for now. Still, everything I do purge, like his golf clubs or dvds he liked that I don't watch, is like another stab wound to the heart reminding me he's never coming back, and that there is no more *we,* it's now only *me.* Old paperwork records and kids' stuff are additional mental/emotional obstacles, plus stuff I'm still going through from his late mother, and my own mother and late father's stuff from when they downsized. Things like dishes and furniture from them is gradually being dispersed as my kids set up their own apartments. But old baby stuff and school stuff- that's tough. My plan is to whittle it down to one smallish box of childhood momentos per child. But reliving all the memories in the process- it's tough! Somewhere, I know there's still a case of his cassettes hiding, too!

Congrats on making the trip, Matthew! The pictures are great! While difficult, it does seem like a positive way to grow into our new realities and who we want to be now. My oldest daughter has done a lot of travel, much international, and finds it extremely beneficial. If you start going out of the country, I highly recommend Costa Rica as a good starter point. I was there as a college exchange student mmhnmp years ago (am 55, so you do the math!), but my late sister's family did a resort there last year and loved it. My daughter went too a couple years ago and loved it, but stayed in hostels, which probably isn't what you'd really want. Note: our summer is the rainy season there; late November to April is their summer (dry season). Someone in the group here currently lives there, I believe. In another year, when my youngest is out of high school, I'm hoping I can get away somewhere myself. I'm have a membership in one of those big box bulk food stores, and recently learned they've got a travel service which people seem to like. Started looking into it the other week!

Eloquently heartbreaking.

I can identify with alot of this.

Thanks, Maureen. Yeah, this re-invention can be daunting. I used to be a mostly stay-at-home mom and wife, doing tons of volunteering, and a part-time employee. I'm no longer a wife, and in a year I'll be an empty-nester, so my whole identity/roles in life have been turning upside down. I've been considering a change that'd involve a relatively short move but still keep me close enough to my remaining sister and my kids. I'd need to wait for my youngest to graduate high school next year. But other than that, I feel life's too short to stay one place when you're pretty certain you'd be happier elsewhere. I think a leap is coming, but in the meantime I'm baby-stepping towards what I think I want to do. I'd hate to rush into something only to find out after the fact that renewed grief clouded my judgement. Working through that with my counselor, too. But I expect in a year or so, my life will look very different from today. It has to, really.

Absolutely hire a respected, established realtor, hopefully with a few good recommendations provided to back them. Declutter. Don't update anything, unless safety codes require it (which you should do for the safety of you and your family's sake regardless for the duration of your time there). Or unless your realtor recommends it, like if you're in a hot market. Be prepared, if recommended by your realtor, to offer appropriate allowances (carpet, for example). Any removable features of a sentimental nature should be changed out and stored (say, a certain light fixture- I have one in particular moved from my last home, which will be switched out prior to listing my current house when I sell, which may be within the next year). Buyers are more tolerant of out-datedness than grime, so that should be kept in mind. Above all, if you have a good realtor, listen to their recommendations to enhance a sale, as they should be familiar with market demands and conditions in your specific area. I've moved alot, and overall had good success, except in depressed market conditions... I lost some on my last sale. It was our dream house where we planned to stay until we died (and he did). Overbuilt for the area market, so a tough sale. I couldn't afford to hold out for years for the right buyer/economy. I held out for a couple years as it was, which continues to cost you in utilities, upkeep and taxes. All you can do is optimize your chances by heeding the recommendations of a competant, successful agent. Hoping for good results for you!

Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers. It's now been 2 weeks since my sister's passing, and a week and a half since her funeral. The whole experience with my first major loss since LH's death has been brutal. It was beyond heart-breaking to witness it all again. LH's death was relatively easy and pain-free compared to hers. I feel so much for my BIL. It was gratifying to see that he and his family had so much extended family and friend support as she lingered beyond what anyone expected, and I'm grateful I could be a part of that support. I wish I could've had that. Definitely, it was worse losing my husband, my partner in our 29 & a half year life together, followed by the collateral damage of losing who I was with him. But this sure is not easy, regardless. One song in particular from her funeral services keeps running through my head, and gives me much comfort knowing I'll see them again, and that ultimately I'll be okay again no matter how tough things are now. "It Is Well With My Soul" is the song; people who like or are familiar with classic hymns will probably recognize it. The first verse goes: When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul. (The author was Horatio Spafford, who wrote it after a family tragedy.) Between LH's diagnosis in '12, through his illness, decline, then death in '14, through my sister's diagnosis the following summer to her death now, and some significant issues with myself (ended up with 2 knee replacements, which isn't "supposed" to happen to a healthy person in their early 50's) and my children along the way, plus the death of my father and other relatives, so much of my life the last 6+ years has been about illness, death and loss. I began seeing a counselor in preparation for losing my sister. One recent discussion after my sister's death centered on how I need to develop ways to start rebuilding and really living life again, and what I want that life to look like. My loved ones would wish for their survivors to continue to build their lives and thrive, as I would for my loved ones when I myself die. So, I'm trying to focus in that direction now, as a positive way of helping process everything. That's alot to think about, so baby steps... Again, many thanks to all!

At this moment, I'm sitting in a darkened hospice room next to my sleeping oldest sister. She was diagnosed with an incurable cancer about 2 years ago, a bit more than a year after my husband's death from another cancer. My late husband and my two sisters were/are my best friends. Before long, it'll be down to just me and my remaining sister in my deepest friendship circle. I'm again losing someone with a lifetime of shared history and experiences, as well. Losing LH was worse, and I know I'll see them both again, but this hard. So very hard. :'(

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, riff! It's good to get the perspectives of folks a little further down the road. I'm heading towards 4 years in May. It was both forever ago and yesterday. I hear you about your kids. My children and I have gone from stumbling along to walking with more purpose and direction, not that any of us do it perfectly. But we've come a long way as well. Peace to you and your family on this day!

Well, heck no, not too much!! ;D Regretfully lacking energy to add to it this evening, but I like your spirit!! ;D Love it!

I hear ya.

Twin mom, I sure wish I'd been able to set those boundries when my kids were little. That was really wise of you. I really wanted us to establish our own traditions in our own house on Christmas Day, and see extended family on other days. It's one of my biggest regrets, now. My own siblings/parents were extremely flexible. Sometimes we'd even have Christmas on Thanksgiving. LH's family- not so much... always had it Christmas Day, and Christmas Day only, at one of his sister's. Most of our life together, we drove hours and hours for this, often in crappy weather. Given that his mom was widowed, I always felt if I protested I'd be depriving her of her rare opportunity of having all her kids together. (She and I were widowed at about the same age of 50/51.) We tried rocking the boat one year after she passed, and saw his siblings a different day... they didn't hide their resentment. At 3 1/2 years out now, I haven't been since the first Christmas after his death. That was a real treat... the host BIL started on about what a GREAT year it'd been. After a moment of shock, I got up and left the room to compose myself, cursing myself for having made the 4+ hour trip by train with the kids, and was therefore trapped for a couple days. Since then, I've excused myself... second year was an easy excuse, as I'd ended up with a knee replacement after failed meniscus surgery. Last year and again this year, I've just said I was having Chistmas at home, which seems to leave them a little insulted. (I've made numerous suggestions we do it a different day, or even Christmas in July, when the weather's good.) Unfortunately, my kids grew up with that tradition, so establishing a new one's an uphill struggle. Since my kids range up to 26, I just let them know I'll be hosting anyone who's available on Christmas, but let them decide what they want to do. This year, most of them want to go out of state to the inlaws, so I'll have Christmas gift opening on Christmas eve. Then any of them and any extended family that's available and I will be here for roast beef on Christmas, and it just is what it is. (In the back of my mind, tho, I'm thinking, Well, who's the widow *now.* Where's the consideration for getting all of us together that LH and I gave MIL on Christmas !)

Peace to you. I know it can go without saying, but it still needs to be said- death sucks; losing our loved ones sucks. :'(

I'm so sorry, imissdow. In the 3 1/2 years since LH's death, my father, two favorite aunts and an uncle have passed, plus an uncle of LH. I only attended my father's services. He was 93, so his/theirs were, I don't know?, natural deaths?? Not quite sure how to put that, but definitely in keeping with what is considered as the natural order of things. Even tho I was at peace with my father's passing, I still struggled during the service, with some parts being very triggering, but I got thru it. Don't know how I'd do with a younger friend's passing and services, though- oh, boy. I feel so for her husband and kids. Two of my kids were adopted, and when LH died, one of the first things one said was that now she'd lost two dads. (She's gone on to act out in significant ways, despite ongoing counseling.) I know the family will appreciate your presence. Try to sit near an exit, so you can take a "restroom break" (make a run for it) if needed. My policy now for funerals and weddings. Strength and Peace to you, during the services and ongoing. And for her family.

Absolutely, yes. And I'm so sorry you're having to experience this. The awareness of your Love's absence is, sadly, part of our shared experience of having lost our Loves. Every loss of each of us us here is unique in its own way, yet we share this common experience, and get how profound the loss is when you lose your mate. Peace to you.

Bumping this post up from the earlier days- still relevant, and eloquently put by the original poster.