gracelet

Thanks for your responses everyone. I'm feeling fine today! Calendar of the heart is an excellent way to describe it! How peculiar. As I say, I don't keep track so it was really weird for this to happen. Elle's birthday and my wedding anniversary are next month so I know to expect some emotional hiccups around then. Sigh. Don't know whether to take the days off work or not.

Today, I've been feeling a bit teary and shit in the office. Initially, I attributed it to having a heavy weekend but actually, for a change, my weekend wasn't so alcohol fuelled! So what is it that's bugging me? I looked at the date about half an hour ago. It's exactly 18 months since Elle died. I think my subconscious registered this and it's now manifesting itself in anxiety and being on the brink of tears. I've been determined not to count the days or months since Elle died - it's not like she's MORE dead and, for me, it's important to look forward to my life, not back with sadness. As the song goes in Rent, I measure my life in love. Does anyone else get this? Feel sad without reason and then realise it's actually a significant date?

In good news, I'm not feeling rejected now because the girl in question and I ended up going on our date on Thursday. I chased one last time - figured I had nothing to lose and also, I just knew there was something different this time and that's why her going awol had affected me so much. She'd gotten nervous because she came out of a relationship before Christmas and it was with a man. I may be getting ahead of myself, but i haven't felt like that on a date since my first date with Elle. We were together for over six hours on a week night. The restaurant had to kick us out. It was fantastic all round. She was fantastic, engaging, beautiful and emotionally intelligent. Her mother died at the age of 43 (which scares me because she might die young too, but more on that another time). We talked about grief and how it shapes you, but I stopped short of sharing that I'm a widow, although I shared about losing my brother. That can come later. She can judge me for me right now. What was most special was that she had on a silver necklace with a fox shaped pendant. Elle sends me signs through foxes. I had to catch my breath - it feels like I now have Elle's approval, which I LOVE. I literally couldn't believe my eyes. I am excited again. There's that flutter, and when we kissed everything stopped around us. You know? THAT. no other dates have made me feel that. I hope I don't intimidate her too much again :-s

I get lots of foxes. Pictures of foxes, real foxes, fox items in shops, people with the surname fox. All sorts. I have no doubt that it's Elle. Her favourite cuddly toy was Basil the fox and he was cremated with her. I've travelled to some far flung destinations like Thailand and STILL had fox signs. They don't even have foxes in Thailand! Best fox sign of all was last night. I'd been looking forward to meeting this date for ages but it fell through last week. We finally met yesterday, she was gorgeous, brilliant and WEARING A FOX PENDANT. I nearly burst into tears of joy. Sorta made me think this was as close as Elle could get to going on a date with me, but also a sign that she approves of this girl.

What an adventure! Good for you. Wishing you safe travels.

After about a year of widow brain, my brain came back and I've been able to do a great job at work. It will happen for you too. It just takes time, and some adaptations in the way you organise yourself. I still have my days where I have to announce to my colleagues that I'm having a widow brain day (meaning I'm sad and distracted, perhaps because of a significant date approaching) but for the most part I'm good. There are chunks of time, especially from my early days of widowhood, that have just totally disappeared from my brain because of trauma. I think I'm actually grateful for that. Here are some ways I have organised myself, but bear in mind I have no children, live in the city and work in a corporate job so this might not work for all. Sync up your ipad, iphone and work calendars and put EVERYTHING in there. Spend some time figuring out which days of the month money comes into my bank account and money goes out for bills etc. Put that in the calendar. Set up automatic payments if you can. Break down bigger tasks and list the small chunks that are necessary to bring it together. This makes the task far less daunting and you can tick off a bit at a time and see the progress you're actually making. In terms of work productivity, when taking notes at a meeting, draw a horizontal line and a vertical line to split your page into quarters. Top left, I take notes of the conversation key points. Top right is for when my mind wanders because the meeting is dull and I want to use the time to plan something else. Bottom left is for ideas sparked by the conversation that I want to explore further. Bottom right is for actions arising. That means I have a nice clear "To do" list and a "to think about" list without having to weed through lots of scribbles to figure out what's important after the meeting. Have ONE to do list - not lots of scraps here and there. Get a big pad. For my to do list, I have a target date for each item so I can prioritise and plan my time. I also have a list of "Expecting responses from" so I know who to chase and who I'm relying on for stuff. If you can't sleep, use the time to figure out what you/your family will wear the next day and lay it out. Saves you brain time in the morning when you are tired from not having slept properly.

Are you kidding? We are ready. Game on. To quote my wife, who drew inspiration from Champagne Supernova by British indie band, Oasis : Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. Where were you while we were getting high? Anne Frank's house.

The disappointment affected me way more than I anticipated. I had a full meltdown sob on the kitchen floor while the pasta was cooking the other night. Then on Saturday I went rather overboard with the alcohol (I know I have a problem) which ended up with me going clubbing alone having lost my friends who were even more obviously inebriated. Actually, clubbing alone was hilarious and I met lots of interesting people, none of whom I can remember. Clearly I had a good time because my phone shows I got in a taxi at 3.30am. However, I'm acutely aware it was yet another example of me putting myself in a dangerous situation; Thailand was the start of that. If it hadn?t been a gay club, I could have gotten myself in a lot of trouble. I?m lucky. Well, one ?benefit?, I guess you could say of being rejected is that we?ve literally had one of the worst things happen to us in the world and nothing can beat that. The worst people can do now is say no. So on that basis, I tried Tinder Girl #4 one last time. This time, she replied and apologised. It emerged that she came out of a relationship with a man before Christmas and was nervous and freaking out about meeting someone so ?seemingly compatible?. So, maybe she hasn?t done the extensive Google stalking I feared, although someone with a similar background to her certainly has been doing their research on business social media about me, which is worrying. I?ve told her we all have a history but that I will judge her for her, and ask that she judges me for me. See what I did there? Long story short ? we?re giving it another go and going on a date this week. Hurrah. It?s amazing how much my mood can fluctuate. AND, the sun is finally shining in London. Now I?m smiling ? it?s gonna be ok.

SOS - survivor of suicide

I?m having one of those days were I feel dejected and rejected. My mother and I went to see the musical production of Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown last night, which was really not the best choice of shows on her part? Flippant comments about suicide etc for the sake of a cheap laugh. I find it quite triggering but I had to pretend to be really grateful and smiley to my mum for arranging it. Basically, I?m feeling really rejected by others. I know I am over-sensitive to being rejected compared to while wife was alive but I just can?t help it. I wish I could centre myself and say, ?Grace, it?s not the end of the world.? And not let it bother me. In my head now, my wife rejected me by killing herself. She denied me our relationship. I was not enough to keep her here. She said no. This leads to me feeling more hurt than I should by people saying no to me or disappearing off the radar in a romantic and close friend sense. This happened twice yesterday. First, I am firmly back in friend zone with Boy Widower. I feel so stupid for making myself vulnerable to him and for the amount of brain time he has consumed. We and mini group were supposed to meet up for Widow Whine and Wine on Friday. However, he messaged last night, only after being prompted by one of the others, to say he?s off on holiday yet again. Whenever he?s in contact, it?s now purely logistical ? my band is playing at his charity ball. Stupid me thought it would be a nice thing to offer and do in support. Now I just feel taken advantage of. He?s fucking with me, and not in the way I wanted him to!! THEN, a girl I?ve been messaging from Tinder who actually had great potential ? far more than previous Tinder dates ? has gone totally silent on me. We had arranged to go on a date tonight but I had no reply yesterday to my messages asking what time suits her and suggesting a venue. I sent a follow up later in the day, a comical teasing one to say ?let me know if I should be fretting over my outfit choice for tomorrow?. Again no reply. Paranoid Grace thinks she must have googled me, found out about me being a cheating suicide widow and run a mile. She has enough info about me to establish who I am through a clever Google. I just don?t know. Sigh. Anyway, I guess I should be grateful that I haven?t had a day like this in a while. Think my period is due too so it?s probably the hormones going mental too. Just needed to get this out there. Anybody else have this fear of rejection or assumption that others reject us because of our widow status? Resident confused lesbian widow xx

I just came back from my first holiday without Elle, but with someone else (my mother). Travelling solo has been successful for me, but this trip was rather triggering. My last few posts on my blog are about my trip and the surrounding emotions it if you fancy a read www.eerilycheerily.com . Includes me crying over Toblerones in the airport...

Had a great time in Madrid with my mum I'm going to the theatre tonight with her I've got a Tinder date in the diary for tomorrow ;-)

((((Jen)))) I'll give you a real hug in Amsterdam, but for now, I hope this virtual hug helps.

In laws can be such fucking nutters. I'm sorry to those of you who also struggle with them. In my case, obviously I drove my wife to her death (suicide) and deserve to be punished in the form of taking away all her belongings and half the house. A year and a half on, the legal stuff STILL isn't sorted out. I don't hate them, I love them, but I know I'll never see them again. Grief brings out the spite in people. Important rule for grief: surround yourself with positive things and positive people. If that means cutting out in laws, so be it. You don't owe them anything. Really. You might feel like you owe it to your spouse to maintain a relationship, but I hate to remind you that they aren't here anymore. Do what YOU want.

My hair started falling out too, as well as the weight dropping off. I call it widowrexia! It's absolutely down to stress and poor nutrition. I had to make a really conscious effort with food, to the point that I became vegetarian, to make sure I got the right nutrients in me and back up to a healthy weight. It made a real difference and although my hair is thinner than before, it's not falling out like it used to. Get some fresh fruit and veg in you. Hope that helps.

I'm in Madrid just now and it's making me super excited about Amsterdam with all of you! I love city breaks. We can meander the streets, pop into places for coffee and beer, justifiably drink 8 beers a day because it's holiday and buy local wares because euros are like Monopoly money and splurging doesn't count! Must remember that comfort comes before fashion with footwear though. On the other hand, I hope you've got dancing shoes at the ready! I haven't been able to go out to experience the nightlife properly because I'm with my mother. This must not happen in Amsterdam.

I need action again. It's only been a week but the more I have, the more I want. Just give me another orgasm already.

I'm in Madrid and it's SUNNY! I am with my mother and this is the first holiday we've taken together in 13 years. As annoying as she can be,mits lovely to be close to her. Everything in Zara here is 2/3 of the price in the UK so I went totally mentally today and bought a whole summer wardrobe. Loving it.

Missingsquish has come up with the BEST idea - a Broadway musical about ME. I can see it having lots of comedy spoof covers. Starting with Katy Perry's "I kissed a boy and I liked it"

I think we should just do a documentary of my life. Cameras can follow us to Amsterdam for wids on weed. It'll win an Oscar for best documentary.

My life is so ridiculous that I think only I could play myself authentically. Does anyone want my autograph?

I have yummy sushi for lunch The project I've been heading up is about to launch. It's the product of a lot of hard work and a sign that my widow brain has dramatically decreased. I made a massive batch of spag bol last night so I won't have to cook for a few days!

We're totes going to give the US Bagos a run for their money ;-) Glad you can make it, Ursula! Confirmed (*= staying at the Wyndham) Grace* Boy Widower* Injo* Tweety76* Aicha* Michael797* Just Jen* Suki1* Wnella Helen* Ursula* Keen but not yet booked: K-REBat Midnight_man New Amsterdam wid (K-REBat friend)

...you find your laundry detergent in the fridge and the milk in the cupboard.

If I get a fairytale ending with Boy Widower, my book can be called "Being widowed turned me straight". Sure fire bestseller.