Captains wife

Im so sorry, that is heartbreaking. Please do lots of self care to get you through this tough time. Agreed that married or not you are still a widow. I went through a sudden loss but also the discovery of certain secrets after my LH died and the whole experience resulted in complicated grief. Using a therapist helped, lots of self care (exercise, good diet, making time for myself, my son and keeping down the stress) all helped. Wishing you the best.

Its amazing what time can do...At almost 6 years out I certainly feel more like myself these days and have carved out a good life for myself and my son. But the loss is overhanging and I do have days when I feel very alone and just sad about our loss - and my young son talks about missing having a Dad a fair amount these days. Im finding recoupling to be a lot more challenging that I expected. I think sometimes my life is so busy and Ive always been very independent so that the loss gets tucked away and then resurfaces when there are triggers. But, like you, the pure pain I felt in the first months and years is gone for me. (Although every person I think is different).

Just wanted to share my perspective....given some red flags with dating a widower. Admittedly, when I was dating I was secretly hoping to meet a nice widower (with younger children). I just thought the situational match would be a good one (and of course it needs to be a personal match too). I met a very handsome, sexy widower online and we went on 4 dates and I was so giddy - we had tons in common and had a great time together....and at first he seemed to really be looking to re-couple. Then I saw some red flags as time went on and eventually I had a really bad 5th date with him (I posted a while ago on this) and it become clear that after being married a long time, going through a long term illness with his LW and given his loss, he was in no way "available" for a relationship and was just trying to hook up and play with women. I ran very quickly and blocked him (from my phone) after that 5th date and am so happy I did. If someone isn't in the "right" place to date one person and be in a committed relationship someone is going to get hurt in the long run. Wishing you all the best.

I get beyond irritated when divorce and widowdom are compared - yes, they are both losses (and I can see how painful divorce is) but for divorce there is some choice to this loss. For all of us, there was no choice in becoming widows/widowers. I just get angry too when I see and hear some of the divorce drama. I think Ive even said - try being a widow/widower and a single parent...then get back to me.

Thanks for posting. For some reason I felt really sad this Easter weekend (my son even noticed my sadness, even though I wasn't crying) - my son and I had lots of nice plans but it all feels so weird. My prior married life seems a million miles away and I'm trying to maintain good relationships with my inlaws (for my son) but Im not part of that world as much, Im not getting along with some of his family given the way my son and I were treated after his death (and therefore I wasn't even invited to Easter on my LH's family side this year, I went last year and it wasn't pleasant) and then I feel a bit out of place with my NG's family - his mum brought up his ex-wife at the dinner table yesterday and I just felt out of place. Maybe because Sat was also my LH's birthday and my son was talking a lot about missing his Dad. I don't know...

I thought it was going to be difficult to date as a single parent - and it is. It is a little "easier" for me as my son is almost 7 and he's very accepting of having male company around and likes that I have a boyfriend (although there have been a few jealousy issues along the way). But my divorced boyfriend's son (almost eight) was a little cold at first and would give me and my son dirty looks or tell my son not to hold his Dad's hand (luckily that doesn't seem to be happening anymore). BUT I told my boyfriend upfront that I wasn't willing to put up with this behavior from his son - I was understanding to a point (and I have been very patient along this divorce road) but I had my limits and let them be known to the Dad. I guess my point is this - its tough when kids aren't happy with your dating life but I agree that they shouldn't dictate it. Be sympathetic, provide supportive talk along the way but they shouldn't rule behaviour. I also agree that holding off for the kids to meet someone more serious (and who is likely to be more permanent) is the way to go plus be honest (so not sneaking around behind their back). I have seen this implode when the child realizes the parent has not been truthful. My one caveat to this is getting a sense of how your new significant other is around your kids (once they are further down the road and meet) - my son wasn't a fan of my first boyfriend, he voiced this - and his instincts about that guy were absolutely right !

Tybec - I think some of your situation is temporary - when the custody is finalized I bet you and your son will be a lot more integrated with NG and kids. My NG had to cater to his ex and tiptoe around until custody was finalized (and he got 50/50). But I know what you mean - it doesn't feel good at all in the process. Part of me is still pissed off about it (not healthy I know but emotions are emotions).

Tybec - I feel for you in all of this. It is so different trying to date as a widow/er with someone who is divorced....its so different from the first time around when originally married and sharing direct parenting with a partner. It seems your guy cares about you a lot but has a lot on his plate with regards to his divorce and his kids - and for some people, their kids will ALWAYS come first. I think children should be prioritized but I also believe there needs to be compromise all around. I find it hard as I am often second to my NG's child and his situation and, although I am understanding, it doesn't feel great sometimes. I think part of this new process is trying to understand what our tolerance is, getting used to a new situation and everyone making adjustments to compromise - some are better than others at this. I do get invited to events with my NG and his son but his ex goes to ALL these events (including scout meetings, sports practices etc etc - and vice versa when NG doesn't have his son) and I don't really want to spend time with him AND his ex there, at least now. I thought once 50/50 custody was settled that they would split most of their time (except maybe for bday parties or school things but they attend most of the son's events, albeit going seperately). Its so weird....(Maybe your NG invited you this time as he thought you might feel more comfortable going if she wasn't there?). I think part of me is also slightly angry as its not "even" - I am a true single parent and he doesn't have to deal with any of this on my side. And the divorce seepage doesn't stop at events - we actually got to go on an adult date on Sat and we were out having fun, went to a local restaurant. He needed to step out to do his nightly call with his son - but couldn't get hold of his ex right away to speak to his son so he started fretting about it and going on about it. Couldn't relax and it wasn't romantic to listen to. He keeps trying to call and text while I sit there and sip my martini. Then finally she calls him (and within the hour of the scheduled call since they were out somewhere) and he steps out while I sit at the table alone....I don't mind at all that he wants to step away from dinner to speak with his son but all the stressing about it and ex talk surrounding the call was a buzz kill. What I have done is built up my own social network over time so I make social plans outside my relationship - charity work, seeing girlfriends - and I find that helps. I also try to communicate with my NG as much as possible on the topic - although sometimes they are not easy conversations. I am also trying to be more patient and understanding to his situation as I know he is and wants to be a great father. I am in a similar camp as you - sometimes things seem great and then there are these divorce related issues and I feel very divided. My NG too is worried I will leave eventually as the stress of his situation wears on me. I guess time will tell for these relationships - but wishing you all the best...and vent away. It helps I think !

1. I feel I am making real progress with my son's schooling. 2. I made it through the last 2 Nor'Easters without power, phone, internet and with a flooding basement. I learned how to run a gas generator and could take care of my son and my mother (who is visiting and has been a godsent) in those conditions. 3. An ex (who I was crazy about) contacted me (to go for drinks) and I resisted the urge to see him again and said no. I realize I have really become wiser over time as it relates to dating.

Starting over is so hard. And I really feel for those widows/widowers who had long happy marriages. I unf wasn't married long but trying to date as a single working mother (and even exist in a town where I stand out in terms of demographics) was/is so hard. I am 6 years out and it took a long time for my life to feel "normal" again. The good news is that I found out I could get through what we went through and be happy, even though life clearly didn't turn out how I expected. And I learned with dating to dial back my expectations - it just wasn't going to be the same as my prior married line, with my son's father. But I could still have fun with it and have new, different experiences. Wishing you all the best

That is very triggering but can understand why you did it. The first year after my husband was killed in a boating accident I was obsessed with how could it have happened ? I read through all the reports, met regularly with the Coast Guard, and went on my own interviewing the people that found him and the boat (firefighters - the dive team). In your case, maybe its better there were no pictures of him - I was on site when my DH was recovered and that image will never, ever leave my memory or brain. The only thing I couldn't bring myself to do was listen to his Mayday call.....although the Coast Guard offered to let me hear it. Hugs all around...this sucks.

First, please continue to stand up for yourself as that sounds untenable long-term. Your health and wellbeing are key, especially as you are grieving. I had sleep problems for a long time after being widowed and what is key is being able to "switch off" at bedtime. I would exercise earlier in the day so I was so tired at night, I feel asleep. I ate well and tried to avoid alcohol (although did sometimes have one glass of wine in the evening to help unwind). I did relaxation yoga at night with dim lights and soft music. Keep away from all electronic devices and TV (although I admittedly have used these when I cant sleep and it honestly makes my sleep worse). I would read in bed (with a kindle that had an inpad light) and fall sleep that way. I didn't find over the counter sleep aids of any use. Avoid caffeine of any sort in the afternoon - that will make the insomnia worse.

Such different losses - I get so crazy when I hear divorced people (including my NG) mourn how hard it is to be a single parent. Ummmm - I understand its tough, I don't dismiss the hardships of divorce and divided parenting but its NOT the same or even close to the kinds of issues we deal with as widows/ers/truly single parents.

Thank you for posting. This website (and the prior one) has helped me so much, especially in the early days of being a sudden widow (with a young baby) - I am very thankful for this widow/er community (although Im sorry we are all in this situation together).

A wonderful post - thank you for sharing !

I started dating when my son was about 2 years old but I left him out my dating world until he was about 4 and I was dating someone exclusively. I have my in-laws relatively close by so I could do some overnights - this guy also spent nights at my house (in my spare room) so I wouldn't have to worry about a sitter. I initially felt so awkward dating since my schedule was somewhat limited (and I used to apologize a lot) but I realized over time that the "right" guy will understand and make accomodations to help support your schedule (like staying with you more often). The right person will also embrace that you have a child and be inclusive - once you have decided you want to go in that direction. I also have reliable, hired child care help so that too gives me some flexibility - I want adult nights out to help maintain a somewhat balanced life. Now, I am dating a divorced man with a young child - and our kids get along so we often meet up and all spend time together. Its nice - although it does have his challenges and I have to say I have more flexibility in my schedule than he does - given his strict custody schedule (which is really back and forth but also has no flexibility in it). Ill also offer a different perspective - I was so worried about my son getting close to someone I was dating and then feeling a loss if we broke up. I was super overprotective (and in a way we need to be) but when the first guy and I didn't work out, my son honestly forgot about him very quickly and was just fine. I mentioned his name the other day and my son said - "who?". One mistake I made in that relationship was keeping my son and him apart for TOO long..Now that my son is 6, if my current serious relationship didn't work out, I think the loss would be greater for my son and I'm mindful of that. But I also learned that my son is more resilient than I thought. Finally, agreed that keeping open communication about these things is good - especially so you can guage how the person you are dating can/is dealing with your widow status. I know from experience that certain guys will have limited patience with our 24/7 parenting but I was also pleasantly surprised to meet a number of men (including those without children) who were willing to be flexible with schedules to be supportive.

Virgo - I hear you...for me, getting too close feels uncomfortable right now. I've been a widow for almost 6 years! But between the sudden loss of my DH, the post widow stuff, some of my dating heartbreaks I feel myself consciously or unconsciously keeping myself slightly "aloof". So happy NG was supportive. None of this is easy- sigh.

I have avoided this show as I've heard it's very emotional. I'm sorry yesterday/now is tough...We can move on but it's so hard to miss the past sometimes. Hugs

Tybec - do you really need to be a witness ? I feel for you being pulled into this.... I too am in a relationship where there is a seemingly hateful person trying to co-parent. Its pretty clear she (NG's ex) married him as she thought she would like a wealthy life and not have to work but when that didn't pan out she was (and still is furious) with him. Its just sad all around. One thing Id like to point out about trying to be in a "fully committed" relationship with all this drama, exes etc in the background....is how difficult it seems to be in "fully committed" relationship. How does everyone block out this "noise" ? Im finding it hard to.... Dating, coupling has always had its challenges but trying to re-couple mid-life, post widow, with divorces, exes, children seems ultra challenging.

I did online dating for several years post widow and what struck me was just to focus on the now and not worry about the future as much. In the early days I was too focused on analyzing the relationship and worried about where it would go. After all, at this stage in my life (mid-life and with a child), I wasn't planning to have more children nor get married again (maybe) so I finally realized I just needed to enjoy the moments I was having and quit worrying about "where was this relationship going?" I am just trying to focus on being in relationship that makes both partners happy - and I realized that its not as easy at this point in my life to sustain a relationship as it was in the past. I also learned to care less of what others thought of me (ie. when I was "rejected") and realized that finding a good match could take some time.... and there was no rush. I also decided along the way that I want to sustain my own life (outside a partnership) because I felt it was important to be happy in my own space as well as someone else's. I know what you mean - Leadfeather - about missing that deeper connection but Ive also learned not to rush that too. Wishing you all the best ! And have fun : )

Since my son doesn't remember his Dad (he died when my son was 9 months old), I want to keep his memory alive. So we have 2 of my fav pics of him and our son (and all of us as a family) in my son's bedroom. (My late husband had a smile that would fill a room!) I show my son pics and videos regularly and I also will say "oh your Dad and I used to take you there as a baby...or this song was one of your Dad's favorites...or this was your Dad's favorite food". I have also been working on a memory book (that to help from my friends) of stuff about his Dad plus we have a "Treasure chest" of his Dad's stuff that we saved that we want him to have as he is growing up. ie a watch, a model ship etc.

Sigh....

Im late in the game in replying to this but this is a big issue since being widowed. I was the main breadwinner before my husband died and I have to work full time to support my son and I now. I cant financially afford part time. For some reason, I've been thinking about this topic more and more recently as my 6 year old sees all the other mums (and dads) in town picking up their kids while my nanny picks up my son most days and take him to swimming, cub scouts etc while I work (and my commute is 1.5 hrs). A lot of kids think his nanny is his mom! He keeps asking why Im not home more (and I explain it to him, or at least try in children's terms). I understand the guilt but I refuse feeling guilty anymore. I feel bad of course my son wants me home more but I love my career, worked hard on it and I have been and am the breadwinner (and Im proud of that). I think this is a good role model for him. I also want us to maintain a good lifestyle so we can experience trips, good schools etc. Maybe making subtle changes is the answer - having multiple young children is really tough when working full time. But also remember they are going to school soon ! It sounds as though you have family nearby so can they help with childcare? I feel if they are with family, its just like being with you. Hopefully there is also flexibility in your work schedule (maybe a 5 day work week, then 3 days etc) ?? I went to a 4 day workweek and try and work at home one day a week so I can see my son more. I also have good quality time with my son so I focus on that time - its not just the number of hours but how those hours are spent. We do fun things at home, take fun trips, take roadtrips.... I hope katelsam that all is going well for you - and best wishes with whatever path you took.

I'm so so sorry...There is no other way to say it - the initial widow period is complete hell and it doesn't help when others don't know how to react so they disappear. Had similar issues and I was very isolated. You also have a lot on your plate with a job and many kids. I think we can just do the best we can when we are suffering like this - please don't be hard on yourself and take one day at a time. There were days when I was initially widowed (my loss was sudden) that I literally acted crazy - and I was trying to raise a 9mth old. Yes taking care of the kids needs will help keep you going (it did for me) but please do self care. By that I mean - if you feel like tv binging and ordering in...do it and turn it into a family activity. What kept me relatively sane in the early period (and I'm now almost 6 years out) was to keep busy (work, being active like kick boxing helped), isolate yourself when you need to but I also found being with the right people and asking for help did help and maybe consider a grief therapist (someone you can cry and say anything to- that really helped me). Wishing you all the best - none of it is easy so please go easy on yourself.

I don't 100% agree on the one point made - I DO get to draw the line and have tried to. But he doesn't 100% seem to get it. (Although I can see he has tried to make some adjustments to keep his divorce issues out of my space - there's been improvement along the way). This is one issue when you try and blend a relationship between a widowed parent and a recently divorced parent. I have been trying to be supportive throughout this relationship given he is dealing with a difficult ex and I am very cognizant of the fact that the last thing he needs is another woman bitching at him - HOWEVER, its also not fair if I am expected to continually tiptoe around to appease him since he is dealing with a difficult ex situation. Its not my problem that he married a nightmare person and I should be permitted to be upset when it seeps into our relationship. I love some of the points made here - including the question of why he would start such an argument and why he cant just walk away from the argument (in my presence) AND the point about divorcing to "stop the fighting". He is a wonderful person and Ive been hoping that things will calm down more on this side + I can get more used to dating someone with another parent in the picture. So time will tell. But I appreciate the ability to vent and get feedback here.....