Captains wife

As a widow dating a divorced man I am having a really "difficult" time with the amount of time NG is (sometimes) in touch with his ex during "our time" - I get if there is an emergency etc. regarding their child but they have fought on the phone in front of me (I put my foot down and said never again) and now they are text fighting while we are on dates, while we are hanging out with my son....and this last time he started it by sending her a link about the flu shot early in the AM which totally set her off and then the barrage of texts started and lasted throughout the day...until I firmly asked him to put his phone away while we were supposed to be on our way to a romantic dinner. Id like to add they cant seem to stand each other but it irks me nonetheless. I just wouldn't do this, I think its disrespectful - but maybe I'm being unreasonable. If others have opinions I'd love to hear them....

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I believe that the timeline is very different for each individual and going with your feelings is ok. I had a little baby at home so I didn't even try and start dating until 14 months out - but I finally did it out of complete loneliness. I think what you need to be prepared for (at least I found out personally) is that I was still working through a lot of grief issues at that point and sometimes dating exacerbated that grief. And sometimes jumping into a relationship quickly works very well for the right matched couple - but doesn't work for other so just keep your wits about you. BUT saying that, it felt good to get out and have a social life again. I had a few misses but still met some lovely men along the way (and having been dating someone now for 1.4 years). As an add, I hope "guilt" isn't a reason holding you back from dating/socializing - we deserve to find love after all that we have been through. I kept my dating life away from my inlaws for a long time out of some guilt (and still do a bit) but in hindsight - I had no reason to feel guilty.

Thank you for posting - hugs on your sadiversary. I hear you on the NEW NORMAL. I hit year 5 last year and will hit year 6 this year (how could I know some of you this long, how could I have been a widow this long) ? Im very grateful for this Board, and grateful that I made it through the darkest days of widow-dom. I feel happier these days too and feel I am moving on the best I can but I have also realized I will never fully let go of what happened to our little family.

Bad mixture of freezing rain, then several inches of snow, high winds on the South Coast MA. And tomorrow am it will be one big deep freeze. Glad my son and I are home from school and work for two days...thankfully only lost power briefly so far. Stay warm and safe!

I think a lot of parents who are not widows have the mindset of "Kids kids kids above all else" mentality and while that seems admirable, losing my husband has drawn into sharp focus how critical that partnership was. Kids depend on us to look out for them. But our SOs have needs and vulnerabilities too. Before Dan died I would have told you that my daughter was the absolute center in my life, and that her needs superseded all others. Now I know how ridiculous that is. Dan was my best friend and partner for 14 years. His death gutted me. So I value my BF with the perspective that he doesn't quite have. I'm not expecting him to put my needs above his daughter's, but rather I expect him to balance them in a way that is healthy for everybody, and i try to do the same. He's made a lot of progress there. But when you're dealing with the court system and exes and all that it makes things even harder. I knwo a lot of dads in particular feel backed into a corner. Love what you said here.....there needs to some understanding of the SOs needs as well as the children. My NG always put his son ahead of everything at the beginning (he was in the midst of a custody battle admittedly) and I explained there needs to be some compromises on both sides to sustain a relationship. Luckily there has been evolvement.

Fuck that when you feel you have taken some positive steps forward, idiots in this world have to swoop in and drag you back down.

I can only hope it gets better for you...sorry you have to deal with this when you found someone new to love....

Pick me up in Boston MA! I'm determined to make this new year happier than the last !! And some fun craziness is a good place to start....

Were you dating a fair amount of time ? If so, it wouldn't hurt reaching out although you may want to establish contact first (with a hello) before sharing these thoughts. She may really appreciate hearing it, even if you don't re-kindle the relationship. And hey - finding someone you want to date in this world is TOUGH enough so if there was something there for both of you, it is worth trying. Impressed with the self-reflection.....

I have a young child so I try and stay connected with my inlaws around Xmas - although I have decided as time has gone on (6 years now) that I also need to prioritize my (our) own happiness. At first my son and I went there on Xmas Day but now we spend Xmas with my family (who are in Canada). I do try and have a small present opening/Christmas celebration with my inlaws and my son either before or after our Xmas trip but that's it. My MIL isn't happy about this but this is what I want to do - and my son loves seeing my family including his cousins (which we don't get to see often). As an FYI - I don't include the guy I'm dating in anything related to my inlaws, including Xmas celebrations.

This is very insightful - I never knew that SS could have so much say in how we spent our deceased spouse's social security for our kids. I fill out the regular questionnaires but have never been scrutinized more than that. I honestly need all of mine for childcare costs (for his only other caregiver other than me) so I use it for that purpose. I can't imagine there's an issue if you save some one month or two then spend it down the road?

Your both is very difficult spaces, in huge life changes albeit in very different ways. I think its very common and natural to seek companionship from those you feel comfortable with - it doesn't sound like he's opening up the space for conversation so its worth you doing it. Even if the "confrontation" is uncomfortable at least you can both get understanding....and maybe get the friendship back on track or something more. I hate confrontation so Id feel so uncomfortable bringing up what you need to discuss but maybe try and do it initially in a light hearted way to get him to also open up. Wishing you all the best,

I found year 1 difficult too - and while I felt a little better than at 3 months, I struggled a lot with working full time and raising a baby alone and being very isolated in my community. I would say that I came out of my deep grief more into 2+ years for some reason...

Admittedly I haven't always made the best judgements after my husband suddenly almost 6 years ago. Please don't be hard on yourself. And the first step is that you recognized the issue and are looking to fix the relationship issues with your kids. Your post wasn't specific but I'm sure your actions are forgiveabe. Getting outside help might be usefiul too during this times wishing you all the best,

Thank you for posting this - it was really helpful to read. I'm struggling over the holidays this year - even almost 6 years out. I feel like no one understands (outside this circle).

Id like to add that it can also depend on your dating area - might make sure you cover a good wide range of area to widen the net !

Especially when you first get online to various dating sites, you get bombarded - and the choice is often not great matches. Ive done a fair amount of online dating and it can take time to meet more compatible people but the issue with online dating is you do get contacted by a number of people you would never go near (and you wonder why they even contact you!!!) Just be patient and try to have a good sense of humor about it. On your profile, make sure you have good pics, and try and inject some humor into your written profile. Wishing you all the best - know its not easy but try and have fun with it : )

First of all Im so so sorry for your loss. Of course you're angry...and sad. My situation was quite different but I did lose my husband suddenly (5 years ago) and I found out certain things after he died...He also left me with a real mess to clean up and left me to raise a 9 month old alone. My anger was really out of control for a long time and yet I was crying with sadness as well.....so I completely understand. The anger had dissipated now so hopefully yours will over time but I hope I can provide some helpful suggestions to get through this, which helped me. I immediately got a grief therapist and booked a lot of sessions, I networked with other young widows who understood what I was going through, did lots of self therapy (being good to myself, ie. taking time off work when I needed, going to spa, trying to keep busy with other projects that kept my mind and hands busy) and finally one of the main things that helped me was exercise. I went to cardio classes way above my fitness level and kickboxing....the physical exercise and adrenaline really helped me. Wishing you all the best,

Good for you Bambi and for taking that road. I'm so sorry with all the added grief from your LH's family - so unnecessary. After my husband died my MIL went behind my back and took the ashes and wouldn't give me any of them when I asked. I just let that go and they are still with her. She has plans for them that relate to her family and nothing to do with me and my son. I just don't feel like fighting about it....Wishing you all the best,

The first holidays at home are tough - I've tried to be away on a lot of them. But 2 years ago we had our first Xmas at home - it clearly was a hell of a lot more fun with my LH but I'm trying very hard to develop new traditions for the holiday for my son and I. That seems to help somewhat so hope this suggestion works for others too!

My gorgeous 6 year old son - I'm so thankful he is in my life. He has taught me a lot, we are very close and I'm thankful that he has helped keep me going. My favorite part of a day is coming home to see him. I'm also very thankful for his nanny who has been with us since my son was 1 year old - she has helped me so much with my son and just keeping things going. I'm so thankful for that support and help.

Sorry RIFF - you were married a long time with 4 gorgeous kids so there must be so many triggers. I agree that although I have some small triggers that set me off, the worst are where I really feel my LH is missing all my son's milestones - even odd ones like I started crying in a school meeting last year. I wasn't married very long before he died (less than 3 years and my son was 9mths old) and I'm finding this hard enough so I can't even imagine the loss felt for longer marriages and older kids.

Sorry you are going through this - I don't know what's going on but I am so sad recently too. Weepy sad. I have a good life but I feel such a loss and overwhelmed by his accident recently. Although I can't remember what I had for lunch last week I can remember vividly what happened the night he died and how I felt. I still feel so many things were left unsaid. I actually have a lot of plans for Thanksgiving this year (usually I deliver meals then sit in a bar by myself somewhere before heading to my inlaws) but I just want it to be over. On top of that my therapist thought we should take a break as I wasn't going regularly enough. Thank goodness for my son, working out, wine and I have some fun planned for Dec on my calendar - all stuff to keep me sane. Wishing us all peace and the best for this holiday season.

This is great - I'll need to think of something creative to add as there are many times I've felt like posting such quips on FB.

I wouldn't say I'm close to my inlaws but my son is and I always still refer to them as my inlaws, even with NG. I think it's important my son remain in touch with his Dad's family.