Captains wife

I could see how that is irritating especially after what he said....but I have done ALOT of online dating and it takes me several dates with someone to consider even putting my match account on hold and concentrating on one person (even with great first dates). Maybe he is looking to focus on one person but taking his time to do so?? This could especially be the case if recently divorced (I have really seen alot of divorce baggage out there). Its so hard to tell with online dating what people's motives are...I feel like I have seen it all.....

Thank you for hosting! That is about 2 hours from me in MA and I need to figure out babysitting - but I would like to try and make it that day.

Wow - just wow. Reading this just infuriates me for you and NG's sake + the children that are being hurt by this. The lead up to your wedding (especially given everything you and your family has been through) should be joyous. I hope your lovely wedding goes ahead as planned!!! Agreed he needs to figure out from a legal perspective what he can do and talk to you more calmly about it. Why isn't there a court driven custody agreement in place, then she couldn't do this ? I have had similar (but less severe) issues with my NG's crazy ex and they just finalized a court visitation schedule which they must stick to. Now all that withholding their son (which she was doing before) is not possible under the law. I also hope that NG does the right thing here - you don't need this and you should be more isolated from all the drama. This is his baggage, not yours and he needs to deal with it appropriately and keep you (and your kids) sheltered from it. I would agree to keep away from her and keep out of it. (I wont go anywhere near my NG's crazy ex - and in fact, I asked him not even to talk about her unless it was very important. I don't need this toxicity and drama in my life - and neither do you). Again, I'm so so sorry about all of this - it is miraculous that we find another person to love after losing our spouses and this should not be happening! I talked to my grief therapist about the issues I was having (crazy ex using child, upsetting the father and the interference in our relationship) and her advice was to "block it out" (easier said than done I know) and try and focus on the positives. And to distance myself from it.

The single parenting is so tough : ( I've had a few issues with my son (on IEP, developmental issues) and I find it overwhelming to deal with alone. I hate sitting in all these school/teacher meetings alone. Completely understand and hope the issue gets resolved.

Seriously - good for you. This is the best thing you can do for yourself. I was in a somewhat similar situation and finally I told him good bye for good. I miss him a bit, sure, (the good side) but it was the best thing I ever did - I got him out of my space, heart and mind. I feel free now of his toxic situation (he was also a huge drinker). It feels so good to move on.

This took a while but I started arranging "framily" dinners - I would invite friends/acquaintances in town with their kids over for a Sunday night dinner. The kids all seemed to enjoy it!

I love this Bago - I'm sorry I won't be able to make it this weekend.

Sorry - the first months (and years) are tough : ( But I promise it will get better...I'm at 5.25 years out. Wishing you all the best....I know how tough this is.

I have been widowed 5.25 years. I thought I would re-couple relatively easily - I was completely wrong....While I am seeing someone now, I'm still very much in the dating phase. I think one thing I learned in this whole journey was that I could be on my own and be ok with it - it took some time but I am there now. I have made sure that I have a relatively active social life & hobbies, spend as much quality time with my son as I can (he is still young) and am better about keeping in touch with friends and family who are not near by - I have learned I am happy on my own, although I prefer to have someone in my life. Good that you are trying to get out there and re-establish a social life - it takes time and I had a lot of misses with it. In the end, it worked best when I joined groups where we had similar interests so keep trying ! From it, I have established close female friendships for which I am thankful as I feel a lot less alone compared to the beginning. And - although its tough - I found dating the only way to meet men..I tried to keep a good sense of humor about it and I also met some great male friends along the way. (Its also good to remain selective - I have been too...) Wishing you all the best - and congrats on how well your DD is doing ! You must be proud although I can imagine its so tough to see her leave.

Hikermom - I am now 5 1/4 years out and sometimes my old life seems so far away. Other times, I wonder how our lives would look if he was still with us...honestly, he would love the good place we are in now and he would love our life we have carved out. I feel the loss most deeply as it relates to my son who, at now 6 years old, misses having a Dad and is expressing sadness about it. He talks about his Dad (and death) a lot. I'm also glad you checked in and that you and DD are doing well.....none of this is easy and I don't think the sadness ever really goes away but we learn to live with it and we progress. I too am so glad that the heart wrenching days of sadness are over - sometimes I'm not sure how I functioned in those earlier times (like you, I lost my husband suddenly). There were times early on when I begged my grief therapist to help me figure out when I was going to "feel better". I will say, though, I learned ALOT from becoming a young widow and weirdly enough it has made me a better person, mother and partner in a lot of ways.

Holidays, especially in the beginning, are so so hard. Over time, I have tried to change what I do on holidays (for example, I volunteer and deliver meals on Thanksgiving, my son and I go away somewhere fun for the 4th of July) and that has helped. I try and see my family (and his) on and around Xmas with my son so we aren't alone at home.

The only day I do something is on our "sadiversary" - the day my husband was killed in a boating accident. I take time with my son that day to send him a "message in a bottle" and sit on his memorial bench. I also take a little time to myself that day to think about him, reflect but also do something nice for myself. We don't tend to celebrate my LH's birthday - although I am aware of the day - yet my son (6 years old) saw on FB that it was his birthday this year and mentioned it so we both looked up into the sky (heaven) and sang happy birthday to him. That was very tearful but my son wanted to do it so I joined in. We avoid Fathers Day like the plague....

Good post - and I'm happy to see you are enjoying your new area with your son. Also very good you voiced your opinion on the topic. Yes, NG needs to sort this stuff out. I have heard many stories like this and am experiencing some of it myself - re: trying to date a divorced guy with children and dealing with "divorce guilt". Hey if I can solo parent and work full time (which means I don't get to see my son as much as Id like either) plus take time to date someone (and fit this into my and my son's schedule), I expect the same in return. And so should you.....there has to be a happy balance for all.

I got my wedding dress (which in hindsight I now cant believe I spent so much money on) cleaned and boxed and its just sitting. Im thinking of donating or selling it as I certainly wouldn't wear it again and there's no one in my family to give it to. But there's also a part of me that cant let go of it - that plus a box full of my wedding stuff (shoes, garter, dried wedding bouquet, our program). Not sure why I cant just donate it all or throw it out.

I'm so sorry - this widow(er) life isn't fair. I agree you don't just get over it - sometimes I think back to that night 5.5 years ago and I say to myself - did this really happen?? I'm trying very hard to live a happy life and I've been on my own for longer now (raising our young son) than I was married or even with my LH. I'm dating someone now but his situation is tough so it's nothing like being married with my sons father with us. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from him and I find many periods of time where I retreat from the world for a while....to regroup. None of this is easy...hope you are doing well

All the best - such a lot of life transitions for you. It has to be really hard leaving your current place. I know you will land a job in your field...sometimes it takes a while especially with career shifts. I look forward to seeing you again when u r out east.

I'm sorry about this - it's not fair. And the decision is completely out of your hands. Doesn't seem though that NG is handing this well either - making a good life for you and your son in a new house is exciting so focus on that. My NG keeps talking about living together but I am so cautious - when kids are involved (and both our kids are young) as well as exes it gets so complicated. There is a part of me that is so used to being with my son, on our own that the complications of blending and having his crazy and selfish ex in the picture doesn't appeal to me. I sometimes feel I am put in 3rd position, behind his pushy ex and his son - and that's not an easy place to be in - so I like the space. Then there is another side of me that loves the idea of having a larger family unit... Wishing you all the best - enjoy the new house!! Sometimes change is good : )

I really cant believe the way some people act - I know they are hurting but so are you. My MIL has on several occasions said that I have no idea what she is going through, losing her son. That may be true but its not a grief competition. Some of the items you wrote are eerily similar to what I have experienced. One day I woke up and said, what things in my life are weighing me down and holding me back from happiness ? One of them was the (deteriorating) relationship with my inlaws and the time I was spending with them. They have certainly been good to me in their own way - and for that I am grateful - but a lot of toxic stuff has gone down that I am not ok with and its very triggering. I personally cant and wont cut off my inlaws because of the relationship they have with my son (and they are so good to him) but I have really diminished the time I spend with them and that has helped reduce the anger and frustration. I wish you all the best and am sorry for all the anguish they are giving you.....

All of that sounds exhausting Trying - couples counselling is a great idea. I am moving at a snail's pace in my current relationship for the very reason that the limited blending we have done so far is really new territory for both of us. Dealing with difficult exes is so emotionally draining and there are added issues of blending kids. I'm personally finding it harder than I expected and I still don't know what will work for all of us. My NG has mentioned cohabitating a number of times but the thought of it is very unsettling to me- especially as I would need to move towards him (due to his child and ex that refuses to move) and that is an even farther commute for me. The thought of having his toxic ex in my life on a regular basis is very offputting and I'm worried as his young son is clearly still dealing with the aftermath of divorce (as it's still new and his ex refuses to let his Dad take him to counselling). If you discover any good "coping" mechanisms to deal with these issues of blending - can you please post? Ie dealing with challenging exes, blending the household with kids? Would be interested to continue hearing how others are dealing with this. My NG is amazing - one in a million - but he's not dealing well with all this - and he just keeps saying he doesn't know how to handle it.

I'm glad you posted this. Honestly, being involved with a divorced dad who doesn't get enough time with his son and has a really unpleasant ex has left me feeling a bit resentful. It is not close to having a relationship with our spouse and father/mother to our children. There I said it. I also put my NG and his time with his son first but it's not equitable. When he's with his son I don't really hear from him yet, for example, I make a point of taking the time to talk to him on the phone - even if my 5 yr old is trying to get my attention. I'm also tired of having to work around the inflexibility of his ex. I believe there has to be a happy medium and I have made suggestions to my NG of how to deal with some of this (and my feelings).So we shall see. I know the kids come first but there needs to be compromises on both sides. Sigh - why is all this so complicated!

I lost my husband when my son was only 9 months - I had always intended to have one more but since I had my son at 40...I simply have run out of time. I kept my pregnancy stuff for a while after being widowed just in case I met someone but it never happened. I'm so happy and fortunate to have my son (who's is happy and healthy) but I wistfully think about our other child that never was. And my son (now age 5) keeps asking me to grow a brother or sister!

Yes I too am in this "club"- in fact, at over 5 years out I have been a widow longer than I was with my husband overall. So sad : ( Sometimes Id give anything to just talk to him one last time and show him how well our son is doing. He really misses his Dad- even though he can't remember him : (

I love this comment.... "And don't they say that studies/brain scans show that being in love looks just like being insane?"

First of all, I am very happy you met someone. Your points, too, are right on - get divorced or separated ? OK to move on - but widow/widower dating "too soon" = not grieving (which is not true - you can grieve and date someone else). It really bothers me when family/friends pass judgement if they think we have "moved on" too soon. I took a year and a half out after my LH's sudden death (partly because I was dealing with a 9 month old baby) and then went on a dating frenzy. Lots of ups and downs. Interestingly, my MIL was ok with ME dating but is crazy about the thought of another man around our son - it really gives her anxiety. Interestingly, if things were the other way around, she would have been fine for my husband to move on and remarry quickly (which I am sure he would have as he needs to be around someone). I am 5 years out and still on my own - although I am now dating someone. But to keep the peace, I don't integrate my dating life with my inlaw life (when I tried to invite a male friend and his kids to my sons birthday party one year, I got a huge guilt trip) and I don't post pics of me and him and my son on FB, even though we spend a lot of time with the 3 of us. Please do whatever makes you happy - you have been through hell with this early loss and deserve to be happy. I am sad and angry about my LH's death but it also taught me a very valuable life lesson - that life can be short and I really want to be happy in the remaining years I have left. Wishing you all the best,

It's great Mizpah that you are very self reflective. And taking that attitude since your relationship is in a much better place is a positive way to move forward. I can understand why you feel how you feel- not the same but I was never that into getting married but when I lost it I (for a period of time) was very much wishing one of my relationships would lead to marriage again. Yet as time has gone on, I've learned to be ok that my life hasn't turned out as I had always imagined it would turn out. I really try and stay focused and positive on the good things I do have in my life and be happy with that. Taking that pressure off yourself will also take pressure off your relationship - it does sound as though you and NG needed to figure out each other's love languages (and they are different). And although the transition sounds as though it has been tough, you have a beautiful child you are raising together. Not everyone gets to experience that. Wishing you all the best - and thank you for sharing.