Captains wife

First of all, congrats! I remember your earlier posts and I'm so happy for you. I think for a 2ndwedding all the usual pomp and circumstance isn't needed. Just small and meaningful. It saves a lot on $$ too.

Online dating - or dating in general - especially as we get older is so odd to me. Please don't take these actions personally..you never know what the other person's situation is. Ive been on PLENTY of dates where I thought it was great and then poof. Some of the disappearance reasons are their own - ie. they get involved with someone else (a lot of choice online), their schedules are too busy (I had a few lovely widower dates but they were just overwhelmed with raising children and working and no way would they date someone living more than 15 mins away), their priority isn't dating right now (weird as they are online dating but its true) and some people just have their own insecurities and issues. People are complicated. Don't give up - there are some great people out there also looking to meet us ! I agree, though, the ghosting is just plain rude, especially if you've been corresponding or dating someone for a bit....

I've dated a lot but it is still somewhat "scary" because it's impossible to know how things will work out. I've learned over time that worrying about it too much, over analyzing was not helpful and in fact a hindrance when trying to date someone. I know it's easier said than done but enjoy that you met someone you want to spend time with in Chapter 2 (that in itself can be tough!) Try and enjoy the time getting to know this new person and have fun! It can be concerning when you are dating someone with a much shorter relationship history but maybe this person just hasn't met the right match?! But if I were you I'd also be a bit protective of myself - enjoy dating but try and move at a slower pace so you can really get to know this person. Wishing you all the best - and try not to worry too much.

I have a young son but used to go crazy staying home Friday nights after being used to having that as my date night with LH. After a while of being widowed, I would find a babysitter so I could get out with male or female friends on Fri night. Now I've gone full circle and am often home with my young son on Friday night - that's movie night for the two of us now (we pull out the couch, get lots of blankets and eat in bed with snacks and watch a movie together). Once he goes to bed, I have "me" time and my new Fri night consists of reading a good book, pouring over new recipe books, getting a workout in and then watching a movie in bed (chick flicks mainly), sometimes with a glass of wine or sangria : )

Can we also do this the other way around - what used to annoy me about my husband ?? LOL I relate to what Mizpah noted - my husband was more laid back while I was the organizer and worrier. It drove me crazy sometimes that he wouldnt take things more seriously. But after he died, I learned to relax more about things that weren't important and learned to not take life so seriously and have more fun. I'm thankful he taught me that. I loved that he didn't care what anyone thought - I miss that and wish I could be more like that ! I was terribly messy - and terrible at putting things back in their original spot. My stubbornness ! The fact that I was terrible about picking up the phone (I unf really do more texting). He would call me a million times a day....seriously.

I have to admit I am rather weary of dealing with divorce/custody issues in dating NG - by that I mean listening to ex stories (regarding confrontations/interactions), revolving around ex schedule, dealing with child custody scheduling issues, dealing with the fact that he and his ex have things they do together with their young son (and my young son and I are not part of this) etc. I would like to add I'm surprised how much it bothers me. BUT NG said something interesting to me this weekend (when we were talking about it) and I wanted to see what fellow widows/widowers thoughts/feelings were about this topic. He thinks part of my (negative) emotional reactions to what he is dealing with, with regards to his divorced status stems from the fact that its not "even" - in that I am a widowed, single parent that doesn't have the other partner is our lives anymore. He wasn't trying to be unkind, he was trying to better understand what I am going through. I guess I didn't think about my emotional reactions that way - but there is some sense in what he says...maybe I am a little bitter in having to deal with his stuff and make quite a lot of compromises since I am parenting alone and don't have my son's father anymore.

Klim - that's the tough part...when some parts are good but others aren't. Personally I get very upset when an event is important to me and the person I'm dating blows me off. I was dating a guy last summer who stood me and my son up on July 4th and then when we invited him and his kids to our local yacht club family event. It was very important on both those occasions to me that my son and I not be alone. I broke it off shortly thereafter- that was a key reason although admittedly other issues were there and I didn't like him well enough to work it out. The social thing for your NG is probably something that can be worked on from his side - at least he seems to recognize the issue? Time will likely tell if you want to deal with that. In terms of the custody issues, it's too bad that is happening to NG but honestly that's his past and he needs to deal with it. You have a lot on your plate with your son and need support too! He should understand this - and in my opinion, yes support him but you can't be expected to drop everything and be dragged through his messy ex issues. (Sorry part of me is just tired of dealing with divorce related issues - just a personal bias!) You seem to really like this guy so talking to him outright plus time would likely help here. Wishing you all the best and hope you have a good visit with your son.

I had to start from the ground up when becoming a widow as I was in a new town and didn't know anyone and my family is thousands of miles away. I had to work hard to "re-invent" myself - I hope my suggestions are helpful. 1) I also joined a number of meet-ups in my area (try other towns too that you are ok commuting to). Admittedly some of these were a miss but I enjoyed my wine group in particular and met a very good friend through it. 2) I also sought out clubs related to my hobbies so joined an all female "learn to sail/race" night at the local yacht club (didn't need to be a member to join) - this is my biggest friendship circle in the area. 3) I volunteered for local groups in town (and developed some lovely friendships this way) - it also felt very worthwhile. 4) I joined the local gym - didn't form any close friendships but do have a number of acquaintances (and even met a neighbor there!) And I learned how to Zumba and do step plus dropped 30lbs ! 5) Online dating - did LOTS of this but its a tough road and need a very good sense of patience and humour. But did end up dating some interesting men (and met a great guy I am dating now). And I met some great male friends - one, in particular, got me into ballroom dancing and that was a fun hobby for a while. 6) Forming friendships at work - I make the effort to arrange lunch or drinks out with certain people I have formed friendships with. Please remember that it can be hit and miss and it may take a while to find what you are enjoying and people you want to spend more time with. But I am happy I put in the effort - when initially widowed, I felt so isolated but meeting all these different people and having these new experiences has really helped me move forward. Wishing you all the best,

Maureen - you have always had a great attitude...that is one thing that has really stood out and I think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I wish you all the best for the next chapter - you have so much going on (relocating, job search etc) right now. Interestingly, I have been a lot more vulnerable on this board (and the one before it) than I have been in real life. I am so thankful I've had a place to do that as I wasn't comfortable showing people directly in my real life how I was really doing. I hope others will continue to find that support here and feel comfortable doing the same thing. I think there is an evolution in being a widow/widower. I used to post a lot in the early widow or general section or in the children section but admittedly I post a lot in the social sections now - I appreciate the support while navigating these waters as being a widow (with children) does factor into it. I agree that we should feel free to post what is impacting us as widows/widowers and that expands beyond our initial grieving days. I try and venture into the early posting sections once in a while to provide support but I'll try and make more of an effort to do that. I'm also not sure why there isn't more activity as I know the support is needed.

Been down this path so I can empathize. It's worse with bad divorces, unreasonable exes and small children. It's great you recognize that he needs more time with his kids- my NG didn't get much time at beginning and it weighed on him. Now he's 50/50 and I can see he's happier, even though we are both a little sad we can't see each other as much. I am keeping as far away from NGs ex as I can - she's very nosy and needs to try and control every situation. It's best (and much better for the kids) if the parents can amicably coparent but unf (as I'm realizing) this is the exception rather than the norm. I dated a guy last summer who did coparent well and it made my relationship with him much easier! (Too bad he turned out to be a jerk though : )

Congrats! Sometimes big changes - although scary at first- are the best changes!

Since I have a young child I couldn't get away like you are describing - but after becoming a widow I did several extended trips to Asia and Europe on my own (and met up with people) and it did me the world of good. I started to feel like myself again during those trips. I also travelled a lot alone before I was married (and I married late). The trip idea sounds amazing and maybe the change in scenery and lifestyle would do you the world of good? I wouldn't worry about being lonely as I bet you would meet some interesting people along the way. I might be tempted if I were you to maybe join a tour or two during your travels to meet other singles travelling? Or find some friends who could meet you along certain legs of your journey? My mantra is that life is short and its important to make the most of it. During the recession, my late husband and I left work, packed up our lives and bought a boat and sailed for almost 2 years. Ill never forget the experiences and places we saw..... Wishing you all the best,

Wow - just wow when I read this stories. So unnecessary and so not good for the kids. I am glad I am not alone in dealing with some of the same ex issues and can vent here (although I'm sorry all of you are dealing with this).

Archery sounds awesome - good for you ! Won't it be nice when we can all get that "level"/"place" in our new relationships that we can just plan holidays together (like Thanksgiving) and not wonder if we are going to spend them alone ? Chapter 2 = fun but not easy... My son and I were supposed to have company for Halloween (i.e. NG joining us) - I HATE going to the town parade alone - and we were ultimately pushed aside as my NG's ex agreed to let him come trick or treating on her night with their son. Sigh....

I'm so sorry about your mum - this must be a very difficult time. I'm also sorry about NG's recent comments. While he seems supportive surrounding your mum, the house comments weren't necessary. As you pointed out, the delay was his doing not yours. And certainly this isn't the time to address that given what you have going on with your own family. No, not easy what so ever. Take one day at a time....

Firstly congrats on happy marriage to NG : ) my late husband also died in an accident so I have similar anxiety issues. I have similar anxiety issues with young son. I've tried therapy but I still have this anxiety and I can "over react" to small situations - sometimes the widow feelings come streaming back. So hard to control those involuntary feelings...

I took my NG for a romantic getaway. Filled the card with a certificate for one romantic night out with some cut out pics of different dining, hotel, location options. He loved it! So I ended up taking him to Boston with a dinner cruise. Agreed-Alone time is very precious.

Trying - wow just wow. I'm sorry. Hopefully she will be out of your space as much as possible, the court gives NG more time and he deals with her appropriately (and keeps the drama sheltered from you and your kids). The strength you have in dealing with this is amazing - i am dealing with something similar on my side and it's wearing on me admittedly. All the best : ) Enjoy being a newlywed and try and block her out.

I am currently sitting by myself for the third time during our romantic date night out given the back and forth between him and his ex trying to get Skype time with his son. Sigh... no drama on my side- that's all I'm saying. I spoke with my son earlier ( he's with my inlaws) and I left my evening free. I am trying to be understanding but it admittedly grates on me as well

arneal - just a few words of advice from someone who hasn't been a great communicator (and I can be quite passive aggressive about it - i.e. if he doesn't respond to my text for a long time, I can act like a big baby and not respond to his for a period of time). Its so difficult trying to understand what a person is thinking, especially in the earlier dating phases. The Sunday thing would have honestly bothered me - but on NG's end, maybe he just had stuff going on. But the lack of response would have left me wondering too (although I gather from your subsequent posts that he ultimately resurfaced). But saying nothing if its bothering you will only fester and compound - and those feelings wont go away so having a gentle conversation with him (or being more proactive if you want to see him) is a good idea...just so he understands where you are coming from. Maybe he has no clue how his actions are bothering you ? I too also used be very self conscious about my son (as I was dating when he was a young baby and sometimes he would just lose it in front of the guy I was dating...and this guy I was dating wasn't great with kids). One thing I learned from my ex BF was that I needed to be more proactive in communicating what I wanted and who I was to him - I expected him to read my signals and that's not fair...and I can understand in hindsight some of the reasons he got frustrated with me along the way. I think, too, its all about the way it is communicated. I would let things fester and then it would just come out (and not in a particularly nice way). In my world now, for example, the guy I am dating used to just go silent on me for hours and hours when he had his son (divorce with limited custody) - but expect me to drop everything to talk to him when he was free. So I sat him down and explained in a nice way that is lack of communication during these period upset me - and this was a double standard...(see I'm getting better !). The end result - he definitely made some changes and acknowledged it. (He had no idea that he was doing that to me). Wishing you all the best in this Chapter 2 - this isn't easy territory.

It must seem weird but how sweet....Its interesting...I know of a number of people this is happened to (widowed, divorced) where they reconnected to an old boyfriend/girlfriend/flame. There must be some extra comfort there that you knew them before vs. meeting a stranger, online dating (and it takes forever to get to know the person). Sigh - there are certain exes that I wish would come back into my life : )

Yes....I understand this. I also want to minimize drama in my life given everything we have gone through. I just find it so frustrating being in a relationship where a third party seems to dictate a lot of what is going on...I just don't have these issues on my side although I guess dating a widow with a young child has its own challenges. I know I should be more understanding of NG's situation sometimes- but honestly it just pisses me off re. All the compromises I feel I've been making. Just my honesty speaking !

Ugh- one of my "best" first dates last year- guy (who seemed great in his profile) shows up to our date late and stoned. Then I hear a blow by blow play of the break up with his ex-wife who ran off with his friend when he lost all his money in the real estate market and his friend was richer than him. Then he showed me pics of his ex who was dressed in very revealing lingerie and doing "sexy" poses on a bed - and these are pics he kept in his phone. Then I got to hear about how he was going to make even more money than his friend and show her. Then he said he thought we were so comparable and should def go on a 2nd date (to which I politely declined). I can't make this stuff up. Hope it gave a few people a few chuckles...

Tybec - I had to chuckle re. Your widowhood meh comment. I'm right there too. My relationship has been somewhat in limbo due to a custody battle and it's not pleasant. And his ex seems really unpleasant and to some extent our schedule seems to have to revolve around her. This mid life dating isn't easy or for the faint hearted. And I'd have to make all the compromises (moving to new area, taking my son away from the only place he's ever known, an even longer commute for work) if we took things to the next level- not fair as I'm the true single parent. But for some reason I don't worry about the future anymore and just taking one step at a time. If this relationship is meant to work it out, it will be worked out....for me, I'm using this limbo time to really get to know NG, figure out what I/we want. But none of this is easy and there are days when I get annoyed about the limbo stuff.

Hugs to you - this sucks and so unfair to our kids in particular : ( No wonder you are so proud of your kids - they are really "thriving" considering the loss they suffered : ) Shows amazing character..... Although I miss my husband as a partner - the hardest part for me (at 5+ years now) is that he has missed out on watching our son (now 6) grow up and pass all of those life milestones. And he will miss all the future milestones....Trying to raise a son (as a mother) has its particular challenges and I can see how my son gravitates to male company - he really craves it : ( He is being raised by a bunch of females essentially - myself, his nanny and his grandmothers. We are doing the best we can but its not the same : (