Carey

this is awesome ... I was beginning to wonder if I'm alone out here, lol. "my" beach is Kure Beach, but areas surrounding would be Carolina Beach, Oak Island, Southport, Wilmington. I can start scouting rates, does everyone concur that off season but still warm would be nice? Like mid September?

It ended up on CNN, People.Com and several other national outlets so you may have heard about it. A 20 year old college student with white supremist tattoos carried in a 12 gauge shotgun and shot and killed the print shop teacher at the college. He then fled and for HOURS many roads and businesses were closed. He was captured, SLEEPING ON THE BEACH in Daytona yesterday morning of all places. http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/police-college-shooting-possible-hate-crime-victim-was-gay/ar-AAaYVed?ocid=ansnewsap11 that tells the story...and whats amazing is, had I not been home sick I would have dropped my daughter off at the college and she would have been in the library, where this occurred. They are all shook up quite a bit but she went to school ok this morning, but it definitely made for a few terrifying hours.

His name was Chad. I call him by his name on this board a lot, I realized the other day rather than DH or LH, I just feel compelled to use his name for this very reason. Because so many wont. He was a man tormented by addiction , paralyzed by fear and made many many mistakes. But He was also a brilliant F-15 Strike Eagle mechanic. He was a big ol softie and wasn't afraid to cry at a sad movie, or over a song. He could be so silly and my kids loved to cut up with him. He was constant and steady and never once let a day go by without telling me he loved me. He was doggedly determined not to let me go. He always owned up to his shortcomings. He would do just about anything anyone ever asked him to do. He was my person and I miss him so very very much.

I spend the bulk of my time with my best friend and his wife and their children, my children. Yea, being the third wheel sucks. The little touches, endearments, things they do without even realizing tend to hurt sometimes but still I'm thankful for them. But maybe it's time for me to step out from under their "protection" and try to find some single folks. I hate that word......

I drive my best friend crazy. I "latched on" to him right after Chad died. He reached out to me and he tells me all the time he "knows what he signed up for" as far as my particular brand of irrational crazy. But if he gets a cold I baby him to death, if he goes 2-3 hours without texting I ask if he's alive. I know it makes him nuts. He says it's a good thing I'm exercising all of this on him so I will have it out of my system when/if I find someone else and remarry. But I wonder if it will ever go away? Life never seemed so frail before So yea, nothing to add but I do understand that fear. And like we talked about on the thread the other day about the child going missing for a little while ... I DO tend to hold the crazy irrational fear at bay more than I guess I realize I'm capable of, but as soon as some OTHER stress rears it's head, it's like the strength to keep it at bay is gone and I get hit with it all.

I think science continues to find proof of more religious/spiritual things. I don't think they are exclusive of one another.

i stayed home from work sick today and let my daughter's friend take her to school. They are now in 100% lockdown, a shooter has killed a teacher and has not been caught yet and I'm terrified I can't even go there cause they aren't letting anyone in or out and have not just the college but the whole road blocked.

Sitting here at work today thinking how glorious it would be to be sitting on the beach with a margarita and I got to thinking I wondered if there would be any interest in a bago at the NC shore? Maybe early fall to give the rates a chance to go down and give people a chance to plan, say mid September-ish? Any interest at all?

what a wonderful thing though to have honored him that way. Big squishy hug

I'm happy it happened too. That's how many many things start ... with a simple "Hi". Sounds like a scene from a movie , in my head I was seeing like Wisteria Lane lol when you mentioned the blinds rattling.

When Chad first died, I posted LONG rambling things on facebook. I had things I felt I needed to say and then people (mostly my own family) told me I needed to stop. Which I never fully understood. My sister even bought me a journal and said to put "all that stuff" there. I have always been a writer, but mostly a letter writer. For some reason, I feel like I need an audience. I've maybe filled 2 pages of that journal. I felt like she silenced my voice. You need your "people" when you are facing something like this. People always say let me know if you need help, let me know if there's anything I can do. And then turn around and say, ok that's enough shut up lol. IDK. So I do post a lot of stuff here, validation is a strong thing. We're your peers, a unique group of people that you know for sure DO GET IT. Safe place to say any and all things for the most part, but yes I do still find myself typing things out and then just erasing it. Even though I know darn well no one here would judge or make fun sometimes I just feel too ridiculous for my own self. but you're right, sometimes it just has to come out and the audience doesn't matter so much, and when you're done with the writing, you've gotten what you need so delete away

thinking of you today girl. [[[HUGS]]]

We never know what's going to smack us in the face. It's very hard to explain to ourselves much less other people. But I think we hold the overall general total panic of being widowed at bay a lot. Keep it contained because it's just tooooo much to deal with. Our brains protect us from some of that. But when the adrenallne starts pumping over something else, it's like pieces of that grief/abandonment/panic come in to play as well. Like our brains can't handle the two at once. Losing the ability to compartmentalize. And I'm a year and a half out, so I have no idea when or if that ever stops. Because what might be a bad issue to a lot of people , to me gets compounded because of the elements of C's loss that are inevitably brought to mind at the time. You're NOT a crazy lady. You've been through tremendous emotional trauma and lost SO much that fear of losing what you have left is a tangible monster. And I cant imagine anyone thinking you were crazy for that. I am so very very thankful your baby was okay and found quickly and so sorry you had that trauma but really I do think you are not crazy at all.

This is a problem I think I have had a long time, but I think being widowed has made it much much worse. I've always been a "people pleaser" because I want friends, want people to like me. Before I was married I'd kiss the hiney of every guy I ever dated. Now I find myself in a position where I am starting to resent people, but how can I blame them when I allow it? Right after Chad died a friend of mine from high school reached out to me. We talked a lot on facebook, eventually traded cell phone numbers, went to movies or lunch (As FRIENDS). Then their power got turned off. He is married with 3 girls and I couldn't stand to see them in that position. I set up a new power account in my name and let them stay with me for a week until it got turned back on. During that time, I spend a lot of time with their girls and long story short, over time the relationship between me and their family has deepened. I spent tremendous amounts of time with them. His wife has many medical issues and most times when she gets off work she's exhausted and has to go straight to bed. So I've been cooking meals, cleaning, etc at their house. A LOT. It could almost be like some kind of twisted reality TV show. Most of the time, I really don't mind. My kids are 16 and 17 and spend a lot of time away from home with their friends. I guess I want to feel needed and useful. I struggled a lot with making friends when I was younger and I have always seemed to have self esteem issues. Only problem is, now I'm starting to feel like I've done TOO much and it's just assumed that I will do nearly everything and I feel somewhat taken for granted. My friend hates it, he says his wife tends to lose friends because she is over-dependent on them. He says she has "run off" several people. So I am thinking the combination of that trait in her, and the one in me that is too eager to please are not going to be a good combination. She is having outpatient surgery today on her knee. He came by my house this morning and dropped his girls off so they could stay at my house for the day and he had a bag in his hand and a sheepish look on his face. He told me he was upset with her, but because she was nervous about the surgery he was trying to be nice. But he feels like she is taking TOO much advantage of me. The bag had a dress in it from Old Navy that she wants me to return today. My knee jerk reaction was "yes, sure no problem". But then he said that he had argued with her over asking me to do it because he felt like she had crossed a line and just expected me to do things for her convenience. And that has been rolling in my head this morning. Combined with the way I felt when I left their house last night; I had asked repeatedly for the girls to help me get the house clean so Mom could have a clean place to come home after surgery and be able to rest without stressing. They totally disappeared on me. I kept cleaning. A HUGE storm was coming in and I was nervous about getting home but I kept on because I was determined to finish. I even told him to go on to bed because of having to get up so early. So at one point I realized the ridiculousness of the situation. It was almost 10 at night, starting to storm, and I looked around and I was at THEIR house cleaning THEIR mess while they were all in bed. But no one asked me to. The problem is in ME and I realize that. I just care about these people SO SO SO much and would be devastated without them. They've held me together in the year and half without Chad. So I don't want to lose them, and I'm scared if I SAY anything about any of this things will get awkward and eventually the friendship will deteriorate even if they say it won't. So I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle MYSELF better, to protect myself from over extending and feeling resentment. Because why should I resent them when I put myself in the position? I realize this has been a rambling post and thank you if you've read this far lol. I realize that this is a behavior trait I have inherently but I think it's been compounded by widowhood. Any suggestions?

At the time we buried Chad, Fayetteville NC was the closest Veteran's Cemetery. NOW, of course they are building one right here in my town and I've heard it's going to be gorgeous. And the base he worked at for 17 years is here and those F15s fly right over where the cemetery is going to be every day. I honestly think he would love that. I wish there was a way to have him moved without costing an arm and a leg. My dad is buried in Arlington and I have NEVER been. I buried Chad closer for that reason, and I haven't been since last April. It just drains me SOOO much. And ever since I started this thread its been on my mind a lot. I just always feel the need to stay hours and hours and I leave feeling so sad and drained. But my kids are actually begging me to "go see daddy". (wow, they are 16 and 17 and say that).

Good to read this and know I'm not alone. I get depressed wondering why I didn't get handed the traditional amount of maternal-ness. I feel more like a buddy and roommate to my kids; for all that they listen to me. We get along well enough but I just don't have that drive like a lot of parents do and I feel like I've short-changed them.

I cant even fathom what it's like to explain these things to such young children. Mine are 16 and 17 and they are all for me dating or even marrying someone else but even at that age, I notice my son gravitating towards father figure men to hang out with instead of other kids his age. Its heartbreaking ....

I want to do it but I'm chicken. I want a sea turtle and I'd love to "hide" Chad and my daddy's initials in the markings on its back but I'm scared I'll end up one of those people that get just the outline done and then quit cause it hurts too bad lol

Oh honey I can feel it from here Chad died on his birthday. When he does things, he does it up right, let me tell ya. I so wish I could come pick you up and take you to my little spot of heaven and we could sit on the pier at the river and roll our pants legs up and just sit and talk and enjoy some sunshine and peace for just a few minutes. There IS NO UNDERSTANDING. There's just that hole there that you tiptoe around. I still cry every single time I poke around in facebook. I have no earthly idea why I do it to myself; im compelled. I hope you have someone with you today. And I am sending giant hugs from north Carolina too.

Insert total frustration here. I've been hanging on by a shoestring for months and months; to the point of churches and organizations helping with BASICS like food on the table. I got a letter from Social Security a couple weeks ago and I did a little dance in the driveway. Because evidently even though Chad's other daughter is going to school, adult continuing education or whatever they call it is not classified as an accredited high school so they said they are increasing mine back to where it was. We are talking over $700 a month right there. AND, my paycheck was being garnished for my student loan which I have finally rehabilitated, so my pay will go back up by $200 a month. That is nearly a thousand dollars people. I was so freaking relieved and excited ........except none of that takes place until the week of the 22nd. Surely I haven't come this far to fall right before it gets better. Surely. I stare at Chad's picture here on my desk at work and I just kinda fume at him all day. Alternating from God I miss you to You shithead why did you DO THIS! I went from a brick two story house with a full fridge, freezer in the garage that was always full, two vehicles in the driveway, kids always had clothes and no lunch bills at school to POOF.......Amy here's your new life in your doublewide trailer out in the middle of cow country with one 12 year old vehicle that consumes gas like it's going out of style and scrambling for dinner a day at a time and avoiding phone calls from the kids schools about their lunch bills, dodging bill collectors on the phone and dealing with hazy shady lenders cause that's the only option. I feel like I'm in nomansland, cause we don't qualify for ANY assistance cause :snort snort: we make too much. Chad made nearly $4000 a month. POOF. Gone. And I have bills and obligations for THAT level of money. They don't really care that the IRS, NC Dept of Revenue, Student Loan and Tax department all have their hands in my pockets, they look at the one egregious number and declare it more than enough. I'm not intending to whine. It just amazes me the people that think when your spouse dies you are all of a sudden well off. IF he had died a year before he did, yes I would have received $250,000. He was a jet engine specialist and had a good policy. However, Saudi Arabia doesn't work that way, and he had only worked for them 9 months, so "death benefit" was meager to say the least. Ive quit talking to most of my family because they try to act like I should have no problem paying bills. They know what Chad made and they assume things about his SS and his insurance that are not true. The collateral damage from that one man leaving this earth is enormous. If you had asked me two years ago if I would be cooking for friends so I can take leftovers home at night to feed my kids I would never have believed it. I'd have laughed my fool head off. He acted like he was invincible and the time for being responsible adults was not when we were in our 30s enjoying the good stuff. Hindsight just plain sucks. It's funny, because when he left for Saudi I was already panicked at how our lives would change and what kind of work he'd be able to find here not aircraft related and how much our lifestyle would have to change. Boy what I wouldn't give for that. There's many many many reasons I miss him, please don't misunderstand. But my job was always "play money", I don't have a college degree and I feel abandoned and stranded. I can see land, too bad there's sharks in between. Kids are oblivious ... they full expected things to stay the way they were. They are angry at me for how things ended up and my lack of ability to pull it together and they don't hesitate to let me know Not sure what this post was for really ... just to vent I guess cause I'm sitting at work trying to hold it together, listening to coworkers complain about their husbands having to work late, or what are they going to cook for dinner, concert tickets ...just all this stuff that I'd love to stand in my chair and tell them all just how good they have it. So lucky ya'll ha ha.

thank you so much ya'll for the validation. I really feel like I'm beating my head against the wall. A LOT. They are teenagers and I understand inherently self focused but I feel like a life support system at times, with nothing to sustain ME

I hate that I dutifully take my friends daughter to school every day, to the point of going in the house, literally dragging her if necessary, fixing lunches,etc and making sure she gets to school; yet today when I needed her to get my son to drivers ed she couldn't be bothered to do more than honk. I hate that money is always always always an issue, to the point of where the next meal is going to come from and I hate that it evokes feelings of anger towards Chad nearly every day for leaving me. I hate that my feet and legs wont stop swelling, I feel like an 80 year old with elephantitis (not to mention the shortness of breath and irregular heart rate cause all the meds are more expensive than I can handle most months. Hate that I am having my yearly employee performance review this afternoon and I know it's not going to go well because my give a damn has been busted for quite awhile ... I'm not even scared or nervous, just it is what it is. I'm not in love with my job

My 16 year old son is on Spring Break this week. This is the week they are holding driver's ed. They are real sticklers ... if you miss a day, if you are 5 minutes late, if you chew gum, check your phone ...etc. you're out till the next time it is offered. They are also going to start charging for driver's ed. This session and the one in May is IT for the free ones. The one in may is all 5 Saturdays in the month. Okay so I stressed to Jacob that it was important to get up early and be ready for his ride because if not, he'd miss it. He did good yesterday and Monday but today he wasn't up when my friend went to pick him up (I woke him up when I was leaving for work, he went back to sleep). So now he has missed a day so it's over for him this go round. I told him that we have vacation planned in May (the first since Chad died) and I'm not willing to sacrifice my vacation so that he can go to Driver's Ed because he felt the need to take a nap this morning. I'm a little miffed, I have to admit, because this particular friend who was picking him up, I took her husband to work before 7 a.m. so that she COULD take Jacob and she didn't even walk in and wake him up. Just honked and left. This is the same person who I take her middle schooler with Aspergers to school EVERY day and Many many times I have to go in the house and get her or help her finish getting ready). I was upset she just left Jacob, but really, it's on him at the end of the thing. So , I'm not willing to lose my vacation, or spend $300 for the next set, so am I a terribly rotten parent to say he now has to wait till hes 18? Driving is a privilege and if he didn't want it bad enough to get up and go , why should it create an emergency on my part?

My best friend's wife is having surgery Friday and we were talking yesterday and he was talking about how he was going to stay with her, took the day off ...etc. And I felt such a sudden ache it nearly took my breath away that I don't have that PERSON who it's just taken for granted will be there in times like that. It was a visceral pain and I had to excuse myself because I didn't want to make him feel bad No one's got me

Many many times I wonder if I missed the maternal mom gene. I love my kids, don't get me wrong, but I often feel like I'm missing that mama lion drive other mothers have. I cannot even fathom how to handle being a widow with younger children. Thankfully mine were almost self sufficient when he died. I know exactly what you mean about him leaving before he died. And you feel like you're left holding the bag and the pressure to succeed and keep your little person happy is strong. Every child faces losing a parent in a different way I suppose. I won't throw psycho babble at you because I really don't know any but I'm sure there's some there somewhere about her transferring her grief into her clinginess and fears. I do love the idea of the Witch-Be-Gone spray. that's totally clever. I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you this morning .... I don't know how to say stop feeling like you're a failure because that is a major struggle for me too but we gotta stick together , love each other, love ourselves and just know we're doing the best we can.