Carey

My MIL called me last week to tell me her mother died. That was the first time I had spoken to her in months, but it was 7:30 a.m. her time and I just knew something was wrong so I answered.She just wanted me to let my kids know their great-grandma had died. Um they NEVER met her. Had no clue who she was. I never met her either. I just avoid her altogether now. I let the kids call her whenever they want and vice versa. Ever since the day she told me it was my fault Chad died, I have no interest in ever speaking to her again. I realize her life has been hard. At age 17 she witnessed her uncle kill her father. She got married and had Chad at age 18, his brother 2 years later. Her husband died at age 52, and she lost her 42 year old son. I get it. I couldn't cope if I were her either. I just decided it's gentler for both of us not to talk.

I ended up not going and am sorta disgusted with myself

"But I like knowing that if someone else is there, that they see there's nice flowers there for him, that he was loved, that someone still remembers." THIS. This is why I feel the need to go. I know he's not there. And I have as much of his physical body at home with me as is in that hole. BUT. He was very patriotic and very military-ish and I know that he would approve of the site and I know there is dignity there. And that's why I hate seeing untended graves and I DO take lots of extra flowers. The military also do a thing where they leave pennies on others' stones, so you know someone stopped and thought of that person. I usually take at least 100 pennies. I realize that being a military cemetery and a lot of them probably have family members who CANT get there. So I think I've made my mind up, since I'm off tomorrow I may run down there. Chad liked cemeteries when he was here, we'd walk through the National one in Wilmington, it's more of a history/familial thing , and I do remember the stories mama would tell when we would go. And my kids ASK to go. Though Baylee I agree ... they shouldn't be there at all

Max...now I want to try again. Because some things you just don't NOTICE until they are strung together like that. Hitting snooze, putting off eating or shopping, too many ponytail days because washing hair was more than I wanted to be bothered with. Not looking forward to things I normally would. In the face of that evidence, I am leaning a little more now towards scheduling an appointment. Too bad my insurance stinks so bad a regular copay is $40. ACK.

Ugh. Haven't they ever heard of "daddy's girl" , "mamas boy"?? regardless of the sex, children need their father. I'm so sorry they were so insensitive. At some point, people should learn that sometimes less is more and if you are at a loss for words just don't say anything. sheesh.

awww shucks. I can't carry a tune in a bucket but if I motivate I should participate huh?

Its a beautiful story in a way though. That you have such wonderful people that love you ... not because they have to because of a blood relation but because they want to. For you. I pray it works out and they can keep him, I can totally empathize.

I was raised by a Southern mama who made her rounds to various cemeteries at every major holiday and birthday and kept it up for years. She tended her parents, my dad's parents, various aunts, uncles, etc. And I FEEL like I should do that, and I want to. Sometimes. But the honest truth is, Chad (well 1/3 of Chad) is buried in a State Veteran's cemetery an hour away. And I realized this morning it was LAST Easter since I have been. I was mortified and shocked and disappointed with myself. But the three times I've been there I ended up staying HOURS and felt the need to "tend" almost every grave there. It took a lot out of me. And something always seems to come up and days and weeks and months have gone by and I just have not gone. I feel guilty even though I know darn well he's not there. So ... tell me, how do you all handle this? to go or not to go and how often?

Chad took up 3 boxes lol. He was a big guy. I wondered a lot of the same things though. We ended up burying the contents of one box at his plot at the Veterans cemetery..had to in order to have a stone and I felt he was entitled to that. The 2nd box, we all gathered at the pier on the Cape Fear River at our camping spot and I put the contents of bag #2 in his favorite ball cap and we passed it around and everyone scattered a handful into the river. #3 is still a mystery. Right now it's in a plastic bag tucked into the zipper case with his Flag from his funeral. IDK what to do with that, if anything. My kids (and honestly, me either) didn't want to part with ALL of them. Which seems weird but not ....

My husband lost his job, lost his mind, and went to Saudi and at that point my doc started low dose wellbutrin and gave me Xanax for THAT stress. When he died, she doubled everything. I honestly didn't feel it did anything; good bad or indifferent so I quit taking it. I'm not sure if I didn't give it enough time or if it WAS working and I just didn't notice, BECAUSE it was working. Contemplating trying again, honestly.

Virgo, I'm doing the same thing myself. It's a wonderful release and for that little bit of time, I feel better. There's a lot to be said about the release of endorphins I guess, lol. I'm not ready for anything more either and we're just perfect the way we are. He's my best friend.

Hugs to you today ......

Not a Brantley Gilbert fan really. He's got a couple songs I recognize, not a fan, couldn't pick his voice out in a lineup. But this morning while listening to Pandora at work, it's more like background noise .... but I kept thinking I was hearing my name, so I looked at the phone and it said "Saving Amy" (which really is my name) I had to look at it, and I went outside and watched this video and literally crumbled to my knees on the ground. I'm just floored. I would NEVER in a million years probably ever known about this song and it's like he's singing it to me, I feel like maybe he tried to tell me this today :'(

I look at pictures ... at his face, every hair, every freckle...zoomed way in I can almost touch him. How can I have that hat...that shirt...those sunglasses, I know I keep saying it but how can THINGS have more permanence in my life than he was able to? I saw his body. I laid on it and cried into his eyes. I have a picture of our hands entwined (creepy, I know. But I was compelled). I just don't know what it's going to take to feel real. It's just an enormity I cant wrap my brain around.

it went downhill from there. He seemed to think that was perfectly normal, and when I told him to just stop texting me he called me a fat whore. P.S. My daughter refers to POF as .........puddle of freaks

ColSavMama ... I could have written your post. I know where that deep hurt and anger come from. My husband was an alcoholic. We also were "separated" to an extent ... he took a job overseas so that we could work on our marriage, he could work on sobering up and things were supposed to be different when he came back. I was 7 weeks away from him coming back. I knew there had been infidelity in our marriage but when I got his laptop back from Saudi and read all of his facebook private messages, saw the pictures and the texts from one of MY BEST FRIEND'S , discussing their affair, I wished he was alive so I could kill him myself. I've gone back and forth so many times I'm dizzy. The knowing I can NEVER confront him with that information and air it all out. I'm stuck with it. Love and hate coexist in my heart for him and it's a toss up what it's going to be every day. Trying said it best "The big thing, in my opinion, is don't deny yourself the right to be angry. The fact that he is gone doesn't erase the pain he caused when he was here. And when you are feelings sad and missing the man you fell in love with, don't feel guilty about those angry times.". Because this much I know is true, I love that man with all that I have. And he was a GOOD man in many ways. And he's my children's daddy. The man who would do anything for me. Who never neglected to tell me he loved me. He was tormented in life; alcoholic demons would never let him go long enough to stay the man I knew he wanted to be and I try to remember that, to allow forgiveness because I know that wasn't what he wanted to be. I'm here almost every day. If you ever want to talk more or just vent, we are all here. I am very very sorry that you had reason to come here, but the widda board is a gift in so many ways. You'll be heard here. And you'll be surprised just how not alone you are. That though the circumstances you're in seem totally effed up to you, more than likely, someone knows how that feels. Try to be easy with yourself, try not to feel guilty about that anger. It's an honest emotion that needs a place to go. {{{{HUGS}}}}

oh he said it alright. You can't make this crap up lol. Needless to say, I didn't even respond, and neither did he. I was sorely tempted to ask him was he 41 or 11. I mean really. And this kind of crap seems to be the rule, not the exception.

hooo boy do I have one for ya'll. Met this guy on POF. Had literally JUST met. First he said "come see me tonight". Umm..no. Had just barely been talking. So then when I said I couldn't swing that he said, what, hubby won't let you out? For real? Thought I shut him up when I said "Oh him? He's dead." Drives me crazy when you can obviously see they haven't read your profile. Because he was all, I'm sorry I didn't know. SO I gave him one more chance. He texted me and then it was several hours before I answered him because I fell off my back porch last night. I told him about that and he said "well at least you've got good cushion for it".......wow...bad enough..but then I laughed it off and said yeah my big ass should come in handy for something and he said, no lie......"I wanna sniff it". ewwww. Just EWWW.

Yay!! I'm so happy for you!

I was reading a blog today and came across this quote by Thornton Wilder ?There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love.? How beautiful. That there could still be a link, though I never seem to feel him. I dreamed about him last night, touched him in my sleep and woke up so utterly heartbroken yet again. Maybe we met on the bridge last night .....

Amen Mac.

"Every single aspect of their lives has been destroyed in the blink of an eye, and they don?t even recognize the greater landscape anymore." Sadly , this is me. I can't explain it to my family who seem so alienated to me now. My sister had a new grandchild born this week. Any other time I would have been right there, taking pictures, being the greatest great-aunt you ever saw. Now? No one called me until last minute and when they did, I found I couldn't/didn't want to go. It's not just me, it's them. They rarely call anymore but when they do, I tend to look for a way out. I've latched on to one friend as my lifeline and I don't want anyone else. It's like Ive shrunk my world on purpose then complain because no one is around. And I wonder did I cause that, or did I react TO it? Which came first the chicken or the egg?

Yes when you're physically sick that seems to compound everything else for some reason. No uber encouraging message to give just know you're thought about, ok?

Oh Lord.......I looked at one of the other users NAME and put it with YOUR post....geeeeez.....Monday just keeps smacking me on the head......

Did I really do the best I could? Sometimes I really think I killed him. For our entire marriage he struggled with alcohol. Some times were worse than others, but it was ALWAYS there. I felt like I was always battling it. He got laid off from his job here and things took a swift downward spiral. He associated his identity with that job. He was a jet engine specialist and adored his career. He could "turn off" the alcohol for work. It NEVER once in 17 years affected his job. He had been delivering pizzas on the side to make extra money. When he got laid off, delivering pizzas and unemployment were it and he felt like a "loser". I was hard pressed to get him to get up and GO to the pizza job at all, and when he did he was drinking and driving. We were sinking FAST and he wasn't looking for a job. He was wallowing. So I started looking and found the job in Saudi. It was a contractor position, but instructing on the F15e which he was qualified for and I thought he would love. ALSO, what I loved was that there is no alcohol allowed in Saudi Arabia. To my mind, it was like getting paid to go to rehab. I thought it was the perfect solution. He could do that for a year and that would buy us some time to come up with a better plan and it would dry him out and maybe kick the alcohol for good. What was I thinking? Drugs are illegal here ... does that mean people don't die daily from drug overdoses? Not only did he drink there, but it was WORSE. He was depressed and lonely and separation anxiety haunted him. I was always the one that made sure he got to bed, made sure he was taken care of when he drank. How could I do that from 7000 miles away? It was his birthday. Our sons birthday was the next day. Thanksgiving was less than a week away. Our anniversary was the following Saturday. Not to mention Christmas coming up. He was alone there and all those important days were staring him in the face. He had promised (ha ha ha) not to drink that weekend. He did and I knew it and was angry. I purposefully ignored him on Friday because I knew he was drinking and I was hurt and disappointed. On his birthday he was given or bought a bottle. He locked himself in his room and drank it all. He was found sitting at his dinner table ... plate of food on the table along with the bottle. He was found dead right there. Had he been home, he would have lived. I would have made sure he got to bed to his CPAP machine. I pushed him to "man up" and take that job and take care of his family and then I gave him SUCH a hard time every time he drank while he was there. It all could have been prevented. By ME. I just don't see another way to spin it.