Carey

Chad was in Saudi Arabia and he would Skype me every morning before I went to work. I'd prop the phone up on the medicine cabinet shelf and talk to him while I was getting ready for work. He was a stickler for never saying goodbye without I love you. He always used to say, "God forbid something happens". I was irritated with him that morning. Weekends made me nervous because I knew that no matter what he said, he was going to drink. This was a Friday morning and the next day was his birthday and I was worried. Apparently for good reason because he died the next day but I didn't know until Sunday. But I love you really was the last thing he said to me, I guess he knew what he was talking about. I so wish I'd done that Skype call differently

Ya'll got me wishing for something different and more creative lol I'm so boring!

for what it's worth, I truly believe there is not going to be "over moderation' here. I personally have a level of trust in the character of those who have constructed this inviting place. And if I'm not mistaken, we CAN delete our OWN words ... which is only fair, just my thoughts. I don't look at as "big brother" so much as, being watched OVER. I dunno, I feel like I'm not communicating my thoughts well. I don't feel suppressed here; they are open to everyone's thoughts/expressions, as far as I have seen.

Beautiful ATJ.........thank you so much.

This makes me incredibly sad I realize we've just "met" , but I've gained great perspective from your posts and wish you would reconsider.

GEEEEEEEEEEEZ. I can't even claim widow brain. It was more like nobrainatall. It's my last name. LMAO. He liked that he was of Irish descent and I'm proud of his name and just like seeing it ... I'm still a Carey though his mom would beg to differ.

Many people stick their head in the sand to avoid confrontation. I'm sadly a lot like your sister in that I prefer texts and emails, though I've never really been able to put a finger on why. I can't see why she would feel threatened, as you've said the reason you need her now won't change when you live there. But it does look like she perceives a threat nevertheless. It does sound like she has become quite territorial over your daughter and those issues need discussion. Ultimately, YOU are her mother and she is deluding herself to think that she can just keep your daughter if she doesn't respond to you. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this , I'm sure the job change and potential for a move are more than enough to keep your mind spinning. How much of this have you discussed with your daughter? Is there a chance she could talk more directly with your sister; maybe coming from her that it's what SHE wants most too would sway your sister to open the lines of communication more.

Well last March 23 I didn't get out of bed. So the fact that I am sitting at work may be called a victory of sorts. I hate the number 23. I lost the BEST man my little world has ever known, my daddy on 3/23/08. And Chad on 11/23/13. So today makes 7 years without my daddy and 16 months without my husband, two of the biggest chunks of my life. Im really just at a loss today. Don't want to be here at work; don't want to interact with patients. It's funny, many 23rds have passed without me even noticing. I don't watch the calendar every month and mope on that day. Last year it marked 6 months without Chad and that just felt crippling. I don't grieve for my daddy much. He was 77 and he was in bad shape physically. He died at 8:00 a.m. on Easter Sunday morning and while I didn't rejoice , I did feel peace. Complete peace that he had lived a wonderful and exceptional life and given me so much and I knew he was miserable in his disability. I loved thinking about him having a perfect body in Heaven. I'm nowhere NEAR any kind of peace whatsoever about Chad. In many many ways and I am STILL so very angry and cant help but think that the anger should have subsided a little more than it has. I feel like I need to wear a sign today that says "leave me alone: It's in your best interest.Run!! Protect yourself!"

16 months to the day today. I agree, year 2 seems worse. It makes the "foreverness" of him being gone more real, if that makes any sense at all. So much of year one was shock and survival, frantically trying to move and handle finances and just cover the hole with a bandaid. Shock protects us from more than I think I ever knew, and when it's gone the reality is harsh. This doesn't have an end to it. it's ALWAYS going to be there. He's NEVER coming home. Finality speaks volumes when you're forced to face it.

Seems I missed something over the weekend, but this is something I've thought of a few times. I couldn't say it any better than this, so "ditto"

NO ONE should ever have to hear these things. My heart just broke reading it. I thought my family was the worst. My husband's brother told me within like 2 hours of finding out he was dead to "not make this into an Amy pity party". !!!! There is just no reason for this. Its one thing that our situations make others uncomfortable , no doubt, and they are at a loss for words ... but these things are just out of the ballpark uncalled for.

p.s. I promise I know how to spell. lol Schocked? really? angry fingers lol

Yes you're right. I sounded very harsh and should not have. She is just in here in my office now talking to my office mate and she just said she's not even keeping her scrapbooks. And then said "and the one of X and I, all of our cruises, what am I supposed to do that?", She's selling the jewelry he gave her at a yard sale. She's selling HIS wedding band and another ring that was his to buy new guy a ring. I completely support finding new love, that does NOT make you a whore no matter how early on it is. What she is doing is fast for any relationship, widowed or not. But also none of my business. I guess I'm just tired of hearing about it. Hurts my heart but that's not her fault I guess. She's entitled to her life. But really, if you're THAT ready to move right along and your heart is not here in this workplace then LEAVE and quit messing with other people's money I guess is the point .... vent...I wanted to make.

The HR/payroll person at my office lost her husband about 2 years ago. She's in her early 60s. She has since found a new man on OurTime.Com. She met him in September and is already wearing a huge engagement ring planning a December wedding. She's thrown away all but one picture of her LH. She's having a yard sale this weekend and selling everything in her house. And she keeps screwing up payroll. If you read my thread yesterday about my wage garnishment, SHE is the reason it wasn't fixed in time, and since they've already sent the money I found out today that all the work I did yesterday getting the Dept of Education to fax the letter releasing it, was for nothing. "At least it'll be fixed next pay period", and "be glad it wasn't that much, only $175". It's 30% of my check. And after another company takes their piece of the pie I will have $160 left of my WHOLE check and she blew it off like it was nothing. I can't fathom 20 years of her life with her LH meaning so little to her that she's SO totally absorbed in her own fantasy happily ever after she has going on to not be responsible in her job with other people's livelihoods at stake. I mean how dare she. And I have NO recourse. At all. :-[ If anyone understood I really would have hoped it would be her.

Or one of them. I wasn't wearing my engagement ring and wedding band anyway. I had a past/present/future ring and an eternity band that I was wearing. As of about 5 minutes ago it's just the past/present/future one there. It doesnt' scream wedding band. I just couldn't bear to have nothing. It was a gift from him but not a wedding ring. I feel half naked though. I haven't the slightest clue why I decided to right now. It's been a bad week. Don't see it getting better and I looked down at those rings and got mad all over again hes not here. I'm just at a loss. Year 2 is seeming way worse than year one.

In the 17 years we were married, my vehicle was NEVER in the shop. He did it all. He was a aircraft/jet engine mechanic so there wasn't anything on a vehicle he couldn't do Ive had the worst luck with cars since he died. I feel your pain.

Oh Honey. I am so very very sorry.

Every time I see your name I remember your stories from the other board and the similarities. I definitely feel a kinship there, I know you understand. You understand how love and hate can coexist so painfully. Thank you for the encouragement. I too often tell him I hope he's happy. In that most sarcastic of ways

Hugs girl .... seems like literal insult to injury does it not? I truly hope writing what you did was cathartic enough to keep you going, at least for today.

DITTO. Big time. Double dog ditto.

It's sad that there even IS a "cancer industry". But that's exactly what it's become. A business. Chad didn't died from cancer but my daddy did. Stage IV lung cancer and those same what if questions plagued me for a long time after he died. There is something to be said for quality time; those choices are so very hard to make because really there is just NO WAY of knowing if chemo will help or hurt and that "what if" will always be there. CG really had some thought provoking points.

That's beautiful. You're really an amazing person, I hope you know that.

Well for those of you keeping track, I won one and lost one this morning. Son claimed he missed the bus again this morning. I said, get in the car kid. I get "but mom you'll be late". I don't care. Get in the car. "but mom you'll run out of gas". I don't care. Get in the car. So even though I screwed myself in the process, at least today, he's at school. My gas light is on and I doubt I make it home but still a victory. I really thought he was counting on me giving in and telling him to stay home. I'm trying SO hard not to wallow. My daddy used to say how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. It's just lately, while I'm working on the first bite the elephant puts on a few more pounds. I'm tired of feeling resentful. Thank you all so much for being here. it means so much.

Fuck. It. ALL. Just all of it. Low paying job I no longer love. IRS/Student Loan/NC Dept of Revenue/Wayne County tax office please bend over. Fuck the family that is no longer there ... the birth of the great-nephew next week that hasn't even been mentioned to me do I want to be there. Fuck the kids who are being mean to my son causing him not to want to go to school. Fuck that idiot boy that I thought was finally out of my daughter's life who waltzed back in last weekend and asked for scrambled eggs like he owned the place. Fuck appliances that don't work. Fuck the cows in the field across the street. Really no one wants me to keep going. So yea, today? All of it.