Carey

Wish we could all be there physically with you tonight to bolster you. You've been on my mind a lot Tracey and my heart goes out to you. I so hope that it goes as "well" as something like that can and you can take a big step to the peace you so richly deserve.

There?s a place on the coast of NC, it?s not fancy by any means, but it?s where my heart lives. It used to be a military base, now it is a Nat?l Guard Training Center and recreation area for military members and retirees. When my daddy was alive, we were blessed to go there with him and my mom, along with Chad?s parents and spend a week together. That was the ONLY time my in-laws ever came to NC, and my ?babies? were so young ?. Josh was almost 6, Katie had just turned 1 and Jacob was in my belly. Katie took her first steps in that beach house that week. Ever sense then, I?ve gone back over and over and over to that place. My husband had privileges there because he worked for the Department of Defense as a subcontractor. It became OUR place. I have hundreds of memories there. Happy, sad, bittersweet. Last Memorial Day, we stood at the end of the fishing pier there on the Cape Fear. I put Chad?s ashes in his favorite old battered hat and we all gathered and passed that hat around, everyone grabbing a handful and scattering him out over the river as the sun set in the most spectacular display I have ever seen; before or sense. There were people there that we had camped with off and on over the years, you?d go all year and not see their face or speak there name and then summer came and we were just THERE again. Like we?d never left. Whole families whose children grew up together. They all stood on that pier and held what was left of my honey and we played ?drink a Beer? by Luke Bryan and all those guys had a beer in their hands that they raised in a toast to him one last time. We laughed and joked about the time that he was ?shitfaced? and jumped off that pier into 2 feet of muddy water. TWICE, because I wasn?t there to see it the first time and didn?t believe he did it so he had to SHOW me. There were the nights the kids ran around in the grass in front of the river with sparklers. Or catching fireflies and frogs. Swatting mosquitoes and eating watermelon till it dripped down their chins. I have met some of the best people I will ever know there. My kids even were awarded ?staff? tee shirts and go to the end of the year staff parties and usually end up getting put to work in some capacity or another while they are there. Year after year we watch each others kids grow and catch up on old times. There were dark times too ? when Chad got so drunk there was an altercation in the campground and someone called the police, telling them he had hit me. He ended up not only in jail for the weekend, but asked not to ever come back there. I was devastated, until the site manager told me, no, he can?t come back, but you and those kids are always welcome. A year later he worked hard at trying to sober up and went to Bill and apologized and asked to come back, and was allowed. And then got kicked out again. After that, Fort Fisher became my solace. Chad would work the pizza job on weekends and stay home and drink and me and the kids would get to escape to happy, at least for a day or two at a time. Even after he went to Saudi and was no longer working for the US Gov, they let us go. After he died last year they let us go. It?s the only place my heart has ever felt truly at rest. This year I was already feeling a little sad, because it felt like it wasn?t going to be the same. One of those dear friends is really sick and I have no idea how many times he will make it there this summer, if at all. His twin daughters are graduating and going to college and moving on. My daughter graduated. We were planning to go last weekend to celebrate Katie?s graduation, because I had not had the money to do last week when she actually graduated. The day before we were to go my son called down about reserving a tent to rent and was told we can?t go anymore. The same site manager that hugged me last year and said we were always welcome, said that she could no longer justify allowing us to go when she has to turn away others who also had military service but not retired/active and that it wasn?t fair. She made an exception for last weekend because she hadn?t been aware we were planning to come the next day. But now, if we want to go, we have to have a military sponsor with us. In years past that would have been a piece of cake, but as I said, some have moved on, some are not well. So I don?t know when/if it will ever happen again and I was just unbearably sad all weekend when I was there. I had literal flashbacks and could see my daddy swinging Katie around in circles under this huge live oak that spreads out over the water. Or Chad throwing jake in the air and flipping him in the pool. My oldest walking around long and lean with a tan. laying on our bellies in the sand watching baby turtles come spilling out of a nest. Running from a summer storm. Meeting Joe Diffie and my son calling him "Moe Jiffy" and dancing in the street while the band played. Like another huge chunk of my life that was so incredibly special and important to me got ripped away without warning yet again. It may seem trivial to some. Some would say, Oh just find another place to go. But I?ve invested my heart there. Not to mention, how many places at the beach can you stay for $10 a night? Not to mention I am a sea turtle volunteer, and the only other campground on the island locks you in at 10 pm ? prime sea turtle time. I just feel like all life does anymore is just take and take and take. I wrote this more to "journal" and I'm sorry it's so long, I just felt compelled to write about it.

made me snort my soda right on my monitor ..........

:snort: this 'I suppose had I given them the Lifetime special that has been me + breathing the last 5 years, they would have jumped on finding me a dog and gleefully posted it all over their fakebook page. Alas, our stories are sacred and I am particular about whom I will share mine with." Im sure you never thought some crazy southern girl in NC would need you to make her smile on a shitty Monday morning but the "lifetime special that has been me + breathing" just got me this morning, ending with the succinct, "our stories are sacred"... I just had a "YES" moment cause you said it so eloquently and had to tell you so.

congratulations! So happy for you! (as happy as the circumstances allow)

I quit praying ... I have a hard time. and then I say, oh I'll pray for you and don't do it and feel like a hypocrite. I will say I'm thinking about them and I truly do hope she doesn't end up having to join us.

I was out of town the weekend and didn't see this. But my heart just wouldn't let me not reply even though it's a couple days later. I wanted to check on you. I have many of the same financial worries (more like complete panic) .... Please feel free to message me anytime, but please post here and let us know you are ok at least for today.

Wow I've been educated. I have a VERgina AND a prostate? whoo hoo. Someone should send this to Ellen lol

I struggle with this, because mine is buried an hour away. I don't want his "spot" to look like no one loves him. That being said I've been twice But I would like the flowers to stay pretty ( I make silk arrangements) and his solar light to still be there. I have friends that check it for me. I have a spot at home that we planted some flowers and a flag for him. But everyone is right, he's not there, but if it brings you comfort, go. Conversely, don't torment yourself with guilt if it doesn't.

So damn heartbreaking. And people wonder why I question my spirituality. I just don't understand

the thing is. I don't think I HAVE survived him. He did so much damage. His death did even more.

That article on the loss of an alcoholic spouse hit me hard yesterday too. Yesterday was just a bad bad bad day. Thank you ATJ for your always spot on words of wisdom.

I've gone to the dark side. Escapism. I leave my house immediately after work every day and go to Johns. My kids are doing their thing, or have friends over or working, etc. They are 16 and 17 and they too come to johns. It's like none of us want to be there. The ironic thing is, at Johns, I cook WAY more than I EVER have before (Chad always was the cook) and I even clean ... there. The only thing I do at home is sleep. And pack to escape again. I'm sure it will blow up and hit me in the face, and inserting myself and my kids in someone else's family is not going to help us move on, I know that. It's so much easier to hang with John and Tammy and their girls than to expend the energy finding someone for me; not to mention the drama the dating sites have been. I just feel safe at their house, so there I go. edited to add: and no this isn't the home I shared with Chad. This is the dump doublewide I was forced into 6 weeks after he died

" I was angry at my husband. Hell hath no fury like a widow born." OMG ... I could have written the majority of this article. I'm at work , feeling more than a little shell-shocked :-(

I don't recommend doing what I did. My sadiversary fell on the sunday before thanksgiving, which was also the day that my family decided to do our family thanksgiving. Long story, I was in charge of the turkey, they changed the time and didn't tell me so I didn't go. I spent the day in bed bawling while my kids put together a turkey dinner

Maureen ... yes you ARE a blessing... to me, to many I'm sure. I think you were meant to be in that place at that moment.

for the past 8 years, I wore my eternity band, my past present and future and his wedding ring. He would never wear it himself because of his job and it was getting messed up on his keyring, so I say dang, one of us is going to wear it. Believe it or not I had to pawn two of them, his and my eternity band. But I am getting them back tomorrow hopefully and I think since I've gone so long without them, I'll just keep what I have on right now, my past/present/future (which seems a cruel joke) for a little while longer. I'm just not ready to give them up. I figure I'll know when I am.

SO beautiful. I've been missing you ATJ.....

My husband may as well have put a gun to his head. He literally drank himself to death, maybe even intentionally because I know he was very depressed. I will never know, but he died at his own hand. ITS NO ONE ELSES BUSINESS. It's like people rubbernecking at an accident ... why in the hell are they entitled to details. I love Bluebirds stance, in that her story may help someone else. But if you're not ready, don't let anyone push you. It varies , what I tell people, depending on who it is and the time/place/situation. They deserve what they get when I blurt it out and they are stunned and speechless sometimes.

I have the same situation. The only video I have of Chad, he is dancing and singing to a stupid Target commercial, and he was six sheets to the wind. It was funny and cute, but I HATE that the ONLY moving talking image I have of him , he's shitfaced :-(

I've been checking in frequently hoping to see an update. I am SO relieved and happy that you've done so well. Fingers crossed you go home today ... hospitals suck!

It's still your anniversary honey. That can't be taken away from you. Celebrate the bond that was there for so many years and hold tight. Your post is so beautiful, it's obvious the love that you have.

Thank GOD John went with me ... I just sat there and cried. It was a beautiful ceremony, she was beautiful and happy. Thanks to the generosity and kindness of a friend, I was able to give her flowers, which her daddy always used to do, and would have done last night. Little pink roses and white daisies. She and I both cried a lot but we had that moment, where teenage hard headedness and maternal despair faded and we just stood there and hugged for the longest time. And then ... we get home and her boyfriend of almost 2 years breaks up with her. Who DOES THAT on graduation night? Id so love to wring his neck!! But tonight we're going to walmart and gonna get her either a swimsuit or a shorts outfit and we're getting together with friends for a cookout tomorrow with a bonfire in their back yard. I'm so very thankful for friends, old and new ... who helped pull me through this week even if it was by my eye teeth. If you had asked me yesterday if I could salvage graduation weekend I would have said no way in hell. Compassion still exists, even if it's not in my family or the other people I would have expected it to come from.

Tonight my only girl graduates from high school. And she and I both are a puddled mess. She posted a long , very sad status on facebook last night about graduating without her daddy and ever since I read it my heart has been so heavy. On top of him not being here, our finances have been particularly bad and I just have not been able to do for her like I did for her older brother, or like the other kids her in her class are receiving. I have nothing to give her today, not even a special dinner. The best I can do is we have a cookout planned at a friends this weekend and next week after SS comes I am taking her on a beach trip. And she is fine with that, or so she keeps telling me. But I still feel so many things today. I feel like I've failed her. I feel like I've failed him. And at the same time I am FURIOUS with him for doing this to us. She doesn't deserve to live her life this way. She deserves a mama who would have made her a scrapbook, who would have her camera set up (not in the pawn shop) to take hundreds of pictures. She would have had a party. She would have had new outfits, a year book, a class ring. She deserves a mama who is not broken and shattered and non-functional. I dread tonight. And she does too. And that is so wrong damn. it. all. to. ever. loving. hell.

I appreciate the thought, but no, not really. I am not a well man. I have medical issues that are eventually going to make me more of a cripple. I'm already strung out on meds. I've no desire to be 60-70 and 10 times worse off. With her alive, it wasn't so unbearable a thought. I'm not suicidal, at the moment. But I have stopped taking all the meds and intend for nature to run its course. I just hope it doesn't take years and years. I'm not very patient. Theres nothing I can say here. I've felt that depth of despair. Still do a lot of days. I'll be frank, a large part of the time life sucks. But like was said earlier, I think about what he would think about this sorry attitude I have, the "my give a damn is busted", screw you and everyone else attitude. The I can't possibly take another breath and you can't make me - attitude. He'd be pissed. And I spend a lot of time pissed at him for what happened, so sometimes I'd just love to get back at him just one more time and royally eff it all up. But ... I either lack the courage or I'm just supposed to be here, because here I am. And here you are. I did the stop taking meds thing too. Id encourage you to just take it day by day, moment by moment and stack some days and weeks on top of each other. Clich? or whatever, but give it some time. Continue to talk to us ... we are always here, don't stop talking and don't stop expressing yourself. And here's another clich?, but HUGS to you for making it today. That's all that matters right this minute.