Carey

Mine are 16 and 17. They are NEVER home. Or when they are, they are holed up in their rooms. I feel more like I live in a frat house/sorority than a home. Often have lots of other teens over or the house is deathly silent. I've kind of worked out an arrangement with my friend who lives down the road. I go hang out with him and his wife and kids and I end up cooking for them, or doing my laundry at their house just to feel less lonely ... hurts sometimes because I so miss that family dynamic.

Jen I think we are living parallel lives. We need to get our shit together and go to Mexico and just live on sunshine and tequila cause there ain't no hope for nothing here. My car died Friday too. Mine was the radiator. Did manage to get it fixed (crossing fingers and eyeballs) but still waiting for the other shoe to drop, cause you know, it always does. Like my daughter may not walk with her class at graduation tomorrow because I don't have $46 ... and get this ... my SISTER is her principal. Seriously. Tequila. MAS tequila is what is needed here.

My best friend's wife's aunt died. The lady was 80 ... good long life, no regrets. Funeral is today and he was asked to be a pall bearer and had nothing to wear and no real money to get anything. I went through Chad's stuff and found his sport coat and it fits John. Then he couldn't tie his tie, lol so he brought his clothes by my office on the way to the funeral and I tied his tie and ran my hands over his shoulders and back, smoothing out wrinkles ... and just started bawling. For one, it felt like Chad was standing in front of me and I was getting him ready for a father daughter dance, or some other occasion he would have worn that coat to. I felt .... wifely. For about 2 minutes. Now, all I feel is unbearable sadness :'(

yes it does. Something about the stone being placed seemed to be the worst part. The finality of it. The period at the end of the sentence. HUGS to you today...

Constantly. If I can't locate my kids or my friends, I panic. My best friend had his phone turned off unexpectedly and when it was several hours I couldn't contact him, I was literally weeping when I finally found out he was ok. There was an entire day of not being able to find Chad and making hundreds of frantic phone calls before I was finally told he was dead, so yes I SO empathize with you on this one. I immediately assume something terrible is going to happen, because the thing I thought could NEVER happen did, so everything else is fair game. Less than 6 months after Chad died, my 17 year old daughter turned up pregnant. Not just pregnant, but pregnant with TRIPLETS. And then had a horrible miscarriage. What are the odds of all of that? I feel marked. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. I thought about you a lot this past week, since I got hit by those carts at walmart and jacked my knee up. It's like "really? why me AGAIN? Isn't there someone else that hasn't had their share of shit yet that this could pass to?" ... I thought about your accident and your wrist. Hello insult, meet injury so ..........no helpful words but empathy.

Its amazing how your life becomes everybody's business when you are widowed. I still haven't figured out the connection and why it's so, but it seems to be true across the board. mawidow ... congratulations on your chapter 2, you deserve what you want when you want it , screw the world lol.

They do have cameras. I spoke with someone at their insurance who said they were going to pull the video and they took a statement. She basically said, get seen, get treated and we will think about paying you back. They don't pay providers directly. I finally caved this morning and made an Ortho apt because the knee has been getting progressively worse. Now it "goes out" with blinding sharp pain periodically. My copay is $70 But my boss said she'd pay it cause she wants me seen, but they cant do it till Monday. I'm overweight, I know I'm not a candidate for surgery. I have no idea what they can do to help me. It sucks that I was simply minding my own business and this got added on top of all the other crap.

Most of ya'll know my husband was a jet engine specialist on the F-15e. I grew up military with a strong military background and a healthy love for all things airplanes. Chad was EXTREMELY proud of what he did. We have not had an air show for 2 (maybe 3?) years because of funding. We are having a HUGE one here at SJAFB this weekend and I have plans to go with my kids and my friends. I've been excited about it, because it's been a long time. In addition to the thunderbirds being here, our own "show" team of F-15 strike eagles. Every single one of the planes in our fleet, all four squadrons ... Chad has worked on at least once. So when they fly it's always bittersweet. I look up and know his hands have been on them. I've been excited ALL flipping week until today ... I'm at work and the thunderbirds have flown over a few times and now I'm getting sad. The last Air Show we went to was with Chad. He took Jake in the cockpit of a 15. The sounds, the vapor trails (some day I'll tell THAT story lol), all of it is just SO SO SO very Chad and I am achingly missing him today. I'm sitting in my cubicle at work staring out the window and can't stop the tears and it's silly for something like this to just cut me off at the knees like it has. And I HAVE to go, the kids are so looking forward to it. I just want him back. I don't want to go without him. There shouldn't be a world with F15s and no chad

sniiiffff. Then on the side of suggested videos after watchin this I stumbled on To Where You Are by Josh Groban. Oh maaaan.

Color me green Have an outstanding once in a lifetime kind of adventure. Looking forward to the details and pics!

I'm just gonna come over here and sit by you cause Im not okay either.

wow...never heard of them, on my way to check it out

I do. my best friend. He went with me the other night and when I cried he'd poke me in the ribs and do a running goofy commentary on everything. He worked really hard to make me laugh. I'd have done way worse had he not been there. I told him he should stand up with me so we could scandalize the whole school because they think I'm having an affair with him because we spend so much time together. We could be the new millennium of the Harper Valley PTA. The joking around did help some.

I well remember that. My son turned 16 the day before thanksgiving this year. His 15th birthday was the day we found out his dad was dead. He's always said his birthday didn't matter or always got ruined or something. I have an added layer to these milestones in that they make me incredibly angry at the injustice of my kids having to have all their best teenage memories tainted by death. It's everywhere. The elephant in the room that everyone tries not to speak of, even now at 18 months. Boys have a special bond with their mamas. I'm sure he remembers more about being held by her than he will say. That age, they try to be "tough". I know mine tries to be the man of the house. But they have their tender moments when they are mamas boys. He remembers. all I can do is commiserate and say that it sucks

My daughter is graduating from high school next week. Tuesday night was Senior Awards night and they did a robing ceremony. She goes to a small school, it's early/middle college high school. So there are only like 50ish graduates. So they can do more and make a bigger deal out of it. They had pictures of each child up on the screen as they walked across the stage and their advisors "robed" them. We had to submit a baby pic and a few others and the baby picture she chose has her daddy in it. And when each child walked across the stage they asked their parents to stand and I thought I'd never survive having to stand up by myself I am SO flipping angry!!! He should be here damnit. This should be one of the best times of her life and we're both miserable. Me because I'm mad I can't give her all the things most graduates take for granted. We even had to borrow a gown. She misses her daddy, and she hasn't failed to notice how her older brother had a much better "graduation experience". If that night was bad I can only imagine graduation next week. I just want to scream, cuss and break things. And the breaking thing urge hasn't been around for awhile. I thought I'd gotten over it

Bat Shit is the new crazy. Way of life here, hopefully it's only temporary.

love it when the guys chime in on posts like this. lol Glad ya'll are here to have your brains picked.

Wow ... so is SS different from state to state? I thought it was a federal thing? Here they get it till 18, unless they are still in high school, as both of mine will be, then they get it through 19.

I really am trying to give benefit of the doubt. I don't know how to phrase what I'm thinking exactly. I try not to let it put me off completely if something gets said but when they ask for "pictures" or "I cant wait to lick your a**" .........those I RUN from. It's just the middle of the road ones that I don't know how to gauge. Theyre not prince charming, but they're not exactly crude either. I did totally stop talking to that one guy though that I started the thread about and he will still pop up occasionally and ask how I am. Its disheartening really. But I'm not to the point I can pay for the "good" sites. I think I'm going to just take a step back altogether. Right now just may not be good for me either.

I just don't even recognize them sometimes. Yesterday was a disaster. I told my daughter that I would give her for graduation and her birthday the same thing I got for mother's day. A post on facebook and I'll take something out of her room that means something to her. We have two boys temporarily staying with us and THEY went out of their way and cooked me a wonderful meal and let me choose a movie to watch with them. They even suffered through Steel Magnolias. However my kids couldn't be bothered to stay in the room for the whole movie and kept disappearing or getting on their phones. I feel so unloved and not appreciated. And they pull the daddy card. A LOT. Sometimes its warranted and understandable but many times, it's manipulation. I try not to keep cash much and use just the debit card, but this time there was a reason I had cash. I usually have my best friend hold any money I have in cash but didn't this time because he was working odd hours last week and it proved to be awkward to get it when I needed it. They just have no respect for boundaries. My room, my bathroom, my laptop ...just anything that I'd like to be just mine.

So on this lovely tropical stormy mothers day, I wake up to nothing to drink in the house. One of the boys was going to go to the store for me so I went in my purse to get the money. I had $55 to my name to last until Friday morning, as of yesterday. I got my wallet out and two twenties and a five are missing. Jacob says he saw Katie go in my purse twice yesterday, but of course what teenager is going to say "yes I did it" when confronted with something like that? So now everyone is screaming and crying, I have no clue how I'm going to make it on $13 until friday morning and this so called holiday is effectively ruined before it even starts. I just want to scream. They steal from me all the time now, or so it seems. Money turns up missing a lot, and they NEVER did stuff like this before he died. Of course back then they pretty much had everything they needed and most things they wanted. Now it's a struggle for just about anything so they steal. Not realizing the consequences. I'm truly at the end of my rope and pissed off that this is how my kids are turning out. I'm obviously failing as their mom because I can't do everything I need to for them either physical, monetarily or emotionally because I can't get my own shit together. I'm just at a loss. So far this weekend we've had a power outage that messed up the AC unit and the sunroof is leaking on my truck, so it's raining INSIDE the vehicle ... and lets not forget the tropical storm that is going to pass right through here today and tomorrow. Can I be done now? I really really really just want to be done and gone. I'm not serving any useful purpose here or doing anyone any favors by screwing up life so bad.

Tonight is the night I finally can sit down and watch the 2 hour special. I've actually intentionally avoided it a couple weeks cause the one where Derek died messed me up for DAYS.

oh honey .....

These things only happen to ME. Yesterday, I had to go to Walmart right after work to get a few things for a birthday dinner for a friend that I was already running behind schedule for. I walked in the store, got my cart and stood there just a second to arrange my purse, find my list, put my keys away .... next thing I know I'm shoved onto the ground by an employee pushing a line of 30-40 carts as hard as he could directly into me Can I just say OWWWW? Twisted my knee and now sitting here at work today everything seems to be stiffening up .. neck, hip, knee ... you name it. At first I wasn't going to complain , but the guy didn't even so much as walk over and say sorry, or ask if he could help me get up or anything. I even looked him in the eye and told him how much it hurt and he turned around fast so I couldn't see his nametag on his lanyard and went barreling back out to the parking lot! I ended up telling a manager and filling out a form, but I really don't know what, if anything, to do now. I should start playing the lottery and use my powers for good not evil lol

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. I've totally removed myself from any conversations whatsoever with my mother-in-law after more than once she accused me of being responsible for Chad's death. I feel that way enough on my own lady, don't need any help from you. My kids are 16 and 17 so I'm ok with letting them determine how much she is in their life. Luckily we live several states away and have only actually seen her like 4 times. At this point if I were you I just would refuse to participate. If something comes in the mail, hard as it may be ... I'd throw it away. Curiosity will be hard, wanting to see oh what have they got to say THIS TIME ... but you can't unread it. Like Rob said ... they're just plain toxic for you. They are lashing out and you are the unfortunate target