Carey

I like the unified effort too. And there are the separated forums within the forum, perhaps for that very reason. There are just some topics that we really only want to talk to those who are walking similar roads at the moment. Or that's all we can handle. But then there are the better days, or different topics that work well in General, Social Situations, etc. Separated but still one group with one purpose really ... survival lol

Ive had that happen to Gabzmom. I really would like to think he drops in every now and then. Who knows?

Maybe there is a way to rephrase the intent to start something similar here. I understand not being able to copy but the original quote could be posted and WE can do our part and put our stories?

Oh Honey I can only ditto what others have said but I had to tell you I was touched , I thought I was living in a shit storm. I can't even fathom all you are handling. I truly hope things turn around for your brothers and your mom. It's too much for one person. Is there anything you need that any of us here could possibly do?

Isn't it funny what seems HUGE at that moment? Chad had left to go to Saudi 9 months before he died so I had nothing that smelled like him. And I wanted his stuff back sooooooooo bad. He died in November and I didn't get his things until March and they smelled like ... well I don't know...they'd been boxed and sat and then flown in the belly of a plane so whatever it was, it wasn't my Chad and that broke my heart. I kept his deodorant and cologne instead. 15 months later I still need a whiff sometimes.

yeah there should be a "prize" for surviving but like Mangomom said, it's just the next year. pooh. lol But your post made me smile and made me feel so good for you!

This is pretty profound. I also wonder, do they look at us and because we were close to them, tragedy hit closer to home than they are comfortable with and it feels more like, well if it can happen to her it can happen to me? Even my family is this way now. It's like we all became strangers. So I have empathy but no solutions for you ... but heres a hug for good measure lol

Thanks ladies ... It helps to have a sounding board. I mean we can journal and write and get things out, but to me writing is so much better with an audience, to be a sounding board or an "I know how that feels". So many times I want to say things on FB and just know I can't. Have to make everything look rosy there. This morning isn't much better... he wouldn't get up and go to school. He keeps doing this to the point I'm afraid he will be held back. My friends who I've been "co-opping" with for lack of a better word (support system/share cooking/carpooling) because none of us are doing well financially ... I normally take their daughter to school and she couldn't go either. So there are three kids at my house which has NO food in it and I feel like such a bonehead for not thinking to take them somewhere else. Life just really is NOT supposed to be this way and I hope ya'll will forgive me for whining. I feel like I'm indulging in a pity party but I'm just not feeling very strong at all right now. Feel like a failure at everything I touch

Friday was spent in PTSD flashbacks because my son got insanely drunk. He's 16 and I was terrified. Actually scared of him. I remember sitting on my knees at Chad's grave and thinking the only thing I can think of positively is that thank God I will never have to live through another drunken night. And I dont know what to think of my reaction to Jacob ... but I left. I always had to leave when Chad was like that. As long as I was there the fight was on. If I'd leave he'd leave the kids alone and everything would be fine and old instinct kicked in. I had an adult military friend of ours go stay with Jacob and I went and stayed at a friends. But it was a night of turmoil involving sheriff's at my house, throwing other people out, following teenagers and making sure they were really going home and not just lurking around to come back when my back was turned. I've been xanax free for almost a year and my friend had to give me two friday so I wasn't even coherent much till yesterday afternoon. Today was spent at the ER where I was dragged because my legs are swelling bad, my lungs are full of fluid and I have a history of heart issues and they were worried and I was out of excuses. I don't know what it did though because i don't have the $10 to get the prescriptions until friday. I sit here tonight and think though, that through all the drinking and rough nights and fights with Chad, he had some inner instinct that stopped him from going after me physically. An instinct I think Jacob is not mature enough to handle. And I talked to him all evening tonight about the fact that his great grandad, his grandad and his dad all were alcoholics and it's just not something he has the luxury of playing with. I am SO SO SO frustrated and angry at Chad right now. Life with him was FAR from perfect, but we had food in the house, my kids were so much more stable which is laiughable considering what life with Chad could be like. I keep feeling like I'm not PROGRESSING through widowhood as much as it seems to just keep starting over I don't really know why i'm here or what i want to hear I just knew there would be someone here that understands ....

I think now the age is 19 as long as they are in high school and when they are 18 the money is theirs. Cause my Katie is going to be 18 in June and hers still comes to me. But that's good that the overall amount stays the same. Eases my mind just a little because my youngest turned 16 in November. At least I have 3 more years ... because he's only in the 9th grade bless his heart lol

My husband had another child, who lives in Utah. She's 18 but still in high school. When she finishes school or turns 19 she will "fall off" and SS has told me that hers will be added back to my kids. So , in theory when my daughter turns 19, will hers also be added back? Like does the amount vary by the number of children you have or is it a set amount separated evenly between each child and the amount doesn't change? does that make any sense?

Oh I know how you feel ... okay well actually I don't. My daughter is a senior and I got her cap and gown pics the other day in the mail and I just bawled like a baby. Luckily she is attending an Early Middle College High School, and they have what they call Super Seniors or 5th year students to continue taking college classes (free tuition and books). So I get to dip my toe in without going whole hog. The loss is so much keener at times like this and you're also feeling that loss for your son too.

The morning of my sons 15th birthday is when we found out his dad was gone forever. Someone, I remember vaguely got him a cake that day and a present but I was a mess... I do remember going on black Friday and getting him a video game (about 6 days after his bday). He's told me more than once that he already thought he was birthday cursed cause sometimes it would fall on thanksgiving and be overlooked, never fell when he could celebrate at school, etc. and now he just doesnt' want anyone to mention birthday. His 16th passed quietly with me getting him an xbox (to replace his that got stolen, so really not much of a "new" gift to him but all I could afford) and I worry a lot about him forever associating his birthday with grief now. I really wish I had made a bigger deal out of it even though he didn't want to. Does she have at least a best friend you could invite? or make it a destination type thing, not at home to kind of take it to a different level?

1. Realized last night I haven't washed the shower curtain in.......well have I EVER since I moved over a year ago? 2. Haven't done a load of laundry in 2 weeks. 3. No food in the house, no dinero to make it happen no giveadamn to worry about it. 4. I alienated my very very best friend today by forgetting he is not the widda board and I just went off at the mouth whining and being clingy and now I'm at work wanting the floor to open up and swallow me. 5. It's 1:50 p.m. and I've done no real work today to speak of. 6. Heard "our" song today and really just HURT.

Heart wrenching. But I can see what a strong daddy you are for that precious angel. My heart goes out to you and I am glad you were able to migrate over here and pray that it helps you to be here with us. I won't say welcome because Lord knows no one wants to have a reason to be here.

For nearly 15 months I've avoided it. THE SONG. The ONE song that I KNEW would take me to my knees if I heard it. I've always loved music, surround myself with it pretty much 24/7 and that's one of the things that hurt the most when he left. Like music lost its colors. I started with just the three songs I played at his funeral. Gradually added a few. Now I'm pretty confident with what's on my phone .... and then just a few minutes ago on Pandora they smacked me with it and I'm at work. George Strait's Blue Clear Sky :'( the tears came hard fast and furious and I'm in my little cubicle afraid to move. He sang that to me over the phone when I was still in texas, when we had first met and he said I was his walkin talkin true love and what a surprise I was ......... I can't stand this OMG this hurts :'(

I so admire your determination, you are already a step or more ahead than you think.

I don't know why I thought passing a year would magically make everything easier or better. I am so glad for you that you can look to the future there. Hugs for you for this weekend though ... your mind will probably be in the past for most of it.

What a beautiful moment. What love to give him the strength to do that, the love he had for you was fierce ... I hope you can see that in this post.

Sometimes irreplaceable friends surface in the strangest ways. Before Chad died we were very close with a guy I dated (actually my first real boyfriend from when I was 16) and his wife. As a foursome we did everything and supposedly while Chad was in Saudi they were my support system. That came crashing down 5 days after he died and I've not spoken to either of them since (long story). Other than them, really I only ever spent time with my sister and Chad. I don't know why , maybe Chad dying coincided too much with my sister getting busy with her grandbabies because that relationship just died. And we were like best friends. Meanwhile, this guy that I could only vaguely remember from high school messaged me when he died. And we started talking. Every. Single. Day. He and his wife and his girls have become my world and my lifeline and I just don't know what I would ever do without them. It amazes me how someone I barely knew ended up being the one to save me. I told him early on I was having trouble getting up in the mornings and going to sleep at night because when Chad was in Saudi, he was getting off work as I was going to work and he'd Skype me, and was going to work when I was going to bed and he'd Skype then too. So John started texting me awake every day and good night every night. He's missed less than probably 5 days in 15 months. He's a rare breed for sure. He knows when to coddle and when to call me on my bullshit too lol

One thing about myself that drives me crazy? I HATE, literally DESPISE talking on the phone. I don't even really know why, Its funny because I met DH on the phone lol And I was in Texas and he was in NC and that was before cell phones and all that so we talked. And talked and talked. So much we ran up both phone bills so bad I just had to move back here. So I don't know why I don't like it now. I will say Im more receptive to talking on the phone after Ive met someone in person. But I really am starting to hate this stuff.

So happy for you!

Ive started having all kinds of health issues too and I actually worry that it makes me even more "unattractive" and will detract from ever finding someone else. Right now, my left leg is so swollen and grotesque, I feel like an Elephant. Ive had BP issues in the past and heart rhythm issues, had a cath, etc. I am also short of breath so I pray this isn't a CHF thing starting to manifest because I frankly don't have the $35 for a doc visit right now.

You actually were very helpful though you're right, it's not what I want to hear. Its pitiful to be stuck in something and be too tired or emotionally drained to take steps to get out of it. I should find what TRULY interests me, not just something I fell into. Go to school. Find a giveadamn lol Maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a hamster in a wheel.

I struggle making friends. In "real life" I really have ONE. And I keep posting away on here trying to make a connection. I sort of did the same thing but as a newbie. I was here for a couple months and then felt like not only was I grieving my loss I'd come here and grieve everyone else's and was so pissed at life for hurting all of us. I felt like I was on the board so much I was IMMERSED in sadness. I came back in February because my life has really just tanked and people reached out to me, even monetarily which completely FLOORED me .... what a rich and diverse and wonderful melting pot this is of people that the proof is in the pudding. They don't just say, "We're here for you", they really ARE. And I don't have that here. Except the one person. And I think I am entirely too close to him and he's a crutch. I need to wean a little and branch out some and where better than with people who KNOW. We talk about the DGIs, "not getting it" encompasses SO much more than probably even they understand. Its almost like being reborn an alien when youre widowed. All that said to say thank you to the veterans who've been spurred on by the move to come back, and I think I speak for many of us when I say please don't leave, I have so much more to learn, a network I need to build, a safety net I need to know is there.