Carey

I'm not sure the "right" way to phrase this, but I wonder if being a man doesn't cause some of that. Most of the men that I know who have lost a spouse, they absolutely DO grieve and loved their wife every bit as much as I loved my husband. Men do tend to be a little more stoic because they are more geared towards being the strong one and being the one to take care of things. It doesn't make you any less sad, you didn't love her any less. And I 100% believe that she would be much happier knowing you are doing okay. There's no way she would wish you felt worse. It may come later for you, or may come when you know you have more private time and a little less responsibility at the moment. Echoing what everyone else has said, there's no timeline or pattern and every situation is different. That's why this is all so damn hard. Because you can't see the logical steps to "get out of grief". Harder to wrap your brain around and determine what happens next because there's no way to know. I cry over ridiculously stupid things, and then an anniversary will pass that I thought would sit me on my ass and I'm fine. Grief is an arbitrary monkey on my back

I was thinking about you and this thread this morning Jen. Just wanted to check in on you and hug you from a ways a way ... I agree. It's not ever going to be okay but days do roll around that are a little okay. Some days even better than that. Hang on and don't let go. We're here for you.

I remember 4 weeks out when Chad died. He died thanksgiving week and four weeks out , of course was Christmas. And I remember doing everything I always had and "doing Christmas". It was because it was TOO big of a shock to process so I pushed it aside and didn't deal with it. Probably the worst thing I could have done. It does go in circles and some days are not so bad and then there are still days that I feel like he's the lucky one. This is a safe, good place to vent and let those emotions flow. Because few people will ever truly grasp this life ... I pray they don't. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. They can't even comprehend, because we can't either and it's our life. I just wanted to know you're being heard and your feelings are 100% valid. Hugs to you today DeeDee.

Its times like that where I too find myself over-sharing once it's ever out. I think it's because of the way Chad died. It was sudden and seeped in drama and if you don't give ALL the details, he doesn't come out looking too good in the story. Why other people feel the need to know the cause of death I'll never understand. One day I'm going to say he died in his sleep and leave it at that. It would be the smart thing to do.

Oh.........KT achingly sad but oh so sweet.

I refuse to let you go. So there. Yesterday sucked so damn bad, but you made me smile. Matter of fact since I "met" you you've made me smile, and even downright irreverently giggle. You have a GIFT my friend and you give and give so much of yourself here, I don't even think you realize your own impact Sir. I agree.... an angel of a man.

I can definitely relate to this. My husband ended up having 4 services. He was born and raised in Missouri and his family refused to come here. They had a service there with the local high school ROTC being the color guard and they bought a flag from walmart they presented to his mother. I was a little HOT about that, but what could I do? My sister kind of railroaded me into a "funeral" at the church 3 days after he died because she wanted it to be before Thanksgiving. His body wasn't even here. Then when his body WAS here, he finally got what "I" wanted, and I know he would have wanted most and that was the full military honors at the veteran's cemetery. And last but not least, Memorial Day weekend, scattered his ashes off the pier with Luke Bryan singing "drink a beer" in the background as the sun set over the cape fear river. You did the right thing by blocking her. Remember to breathe, just concentrate on your love and what he wanted and what YOU need. You don't get a do over and they don't need to pressure you one way or the other.

Oh I SO have BRF in one of mine, but I was having SUCH a good hair day..........

still here, still cheering You got this girl.

Michael you silver tongued devil you. You just made my day

I can only speak from my experience. Chad died on 11/23. His body came back to the states 1/3, I didn't get to see him until 1/6. He'd been dead over six weeks in a foreign country with no embalming. I can say that NOTHING will ever take the place of those few minutes I had when he came back. I actually went twice though everyone assured me I was completely insane for doing so. The first time was not so bad, I even let me kids go. Then due to financial issues his body had to lay there until 1/16. Another 10 days. And when I finally had the money to pay for cremation , I went to make the payment and pick up his flag and I could NOT be in the same bldg. without seeing him again. And I was alone. And I drove myself home. And no, that day was not smart nor was it pretty. But you know what? When I think of Chad's face, when I think of MY HUSBAND.... I don't see that stuff. I can barely conjure up the image even if I try really hard. Some say it gives them nightmares or they are haunted by it. I think it's a highly individual thing. I got to lay on his chest and hold his hands .... I couldn't have survived without that and even so I still feel like he's "out there somewhere" working. Maybe get the photos and let someone you trust preview them. There's no one who can answer this for you except you ....

lol Jen. I know it's not funny, but it's funny. Mine are doing the same thing. I have no CLUE where it comes from. And the 16 year old boy has decided to try his hand at drinking too, and he's JUST like his dad there. Which is scary. And yet right now Id love a bottle of Moscato. Or Three.

"1. When it happens to someone else, you?ll know exactly what to say to them." Actually ... I STILL find myself at a loss for words. Like on the board I so often wish I had wise words but I got nuttin. Cause nothing anyone ever said helped me. With the exception of this board and my best friend who refuses to take any shit from me. lol

Saying No is a lesson I need to learn to. My best friend's wife is always rather ill, now she is facing knee surgery and I find myself at their house every night cooking and cleaning and taking care of their girls. Im almost TOO integrated into their family life, but I enjoy being with them and feeling needed, but I can see how it could be a dangerous position too. I've never said no often enough for anyone to get upset with me. HA! I should do something about that

This isn't the first of your posts I've printed and put in my purse and I'm sure it won't be the last. I devour them and read them over and over sometimes. Sitting at a stoplight I might just get one sentence or one line, but it keeps me going. You truly have a gift. This is nothing short of beautiful.

I'm sitting at my desk at work, and I have a couple pictures of Chad here. There's one of him leaning against a jet engine with his best friend on his last day of the job here that led to the downward spiral and demise of my world and his life. He's got his shades on (inside! ugh! lol), his ball cap, arms crossed and a smirky grin on his face. And I'm SO SO bothered this morning, and really most any time I really concentrate on a picture of him. The hairs on his arms, the freckles, his mustache and goatee....the clothes he's wearing. I have that shirt. I have that hat. Why do those things exist when he doesn't? How is it possible that he's just GONE. Like there one minute, gone for freaking EVER after? I'm 16 months out and it just bothers me that this basic concept of death and grieving still eludes me. I just still can't wrap my brain around the fact he is not out there SOMEWHERE working on a jet engine. Last night for some stupid reason I was reading back on my own facebook posts from like 5 years ago. He commented on them. He poked fun at me for having so much Christmas crap, he bragged on something I fixed him for supper .... He was a total ASS sometimes and he hurt me over and over and over. There were actually times I wanted him to just go away but I never actually took even a baby step at walking away from him. HOW the f*ck can he just be GONE? I guess I just want to know if it's normal to still feel this way.

Ive always LOVED to read. I would get in trouble in school for reading; not smoking or ditching class lol. When Chad left for Saudi I found I didn't watch TV as much because it was all stuff we had been watching together and it wasn't the same without him. So spare time was spent Skyping him and reading. I'll never forget, I was in the middle of a book where a woman came home and found her husband dead when Chad died. Like I was right in the middle and I was sufficiently freaked. I couldn't read for a LONG time which made me very sad. I wondered if that joy would ever come back. A high school acquaintance found me on facebook and we became very very close friends. He is a civil war reenactor and history buff and he got me reading things I'd never read before. Then I reached for an old favorite. Gone With The Wind. I read it for the first time when I was 9 and have read it at least 20 times. I figured I wouldn't have to concentrate too hard because I practically knew it by heart. From the civil war stuff I branched back out into Philippa Gregory who writes about medieval England royalty , they are fiction based on truth and I LOVE them. I found that working on keeping the who's whos straight in my head gave me something to focus on. I'm still working on those and just recently started Game of Thrones. I've never been one for fantasy but john said if I loved the medieval stuff I'd like it, so I'm trying but I agree with what someone else said, the characters are many and the comprehension is slim lol I guess what I'm getting at is that books really help me now. I actually like the idea of simpler stories too like Young Adult. I think I'd like to go back and read some childhood favorites like The Secret Garden, Bridge to Terabithia, The Outsiders , etc.

"I like a woman who smells NATURAL down there. I mean like before we go out, don't shower. I love the natural musky stink of a woman". Yeah, honest to God that is no exaggeration. Verbatim that's what he said and why I never spoke to him again. lol

I agree with you that it did open a good flow of dialogue between you and your children. I've been on a few dates and my kids have been very good about it. It helps they are 16 and 17 and "dating" themselves. I'm not sure how it is with younger kids, and I've even heard that often young adult children take that harder. It's important that they understand that mom/dad are entitled to a life too, and I think a lot of people put their kids above EVERYTHING. And it's not a bad thing necessarily, except when you consider the natural order of things. If we have done our jobs right, our children will reach maturity and find their own person to love, their own dreams to chase and leave our homes to pursue those things. And if we put off finding relationships for ourselves, we'll find ourselves older and alone after the "job" of bringing our kids up is done. I want someone to grow old with. I'm too young for this to be it for my life, so yes I'm going to pursue other relationships. Im sure there will be some flops ... there already have been, and there's no one right now. But I really think it's all about HOW you talk to your kids about it, and when lol. In this case, yes your dad probably really didn't think through to the end about telling your kids, and again, it depends on their ages how much is TMI. But its good that you saw the opportunity to let your children see how YOU would like to handle the situation when it's your turn.

Thank you for staying AG.

ATJ ... I know your words weren't intended for me but I couldn't not say that I gained some comfort and insight myself from them. I carry quite a bit of guilt for the way things went with my husband and our relationship and his death and today in particular I've been dwelling some on it, so thank you for the obvious time and thought you put into each post.

I'm down to just the past/present/future. And sadly although all we have is a past, that's what I'm comfortable with and that's where it'll stay.

Never let anyone tell you there are five stages of grief. Blah blah blah. I was fine all morning, lunchtime I bawled in the car again. Yesterday shoulda been a sadiversary of sorts (anniversary of daddy's death and 16 months for C) and I was fine. It's nonsensical. It gets better, it gets worse .... but as time goes by the better does show itself more than the worse. I'm only at 16 months myself but it's more cycles than progression. I hope the trip to see your sister helps.

I?ve yet to type out my whole story on the board (here or ywbb). It?s scattered in bits and pieces but honestly it is quite long. But this morning, I heard this song on Pandora, by Lee Ann Womack called ?The Last Time?, and this verse just hit me so hard: ?When you put your arms around my neck And I barely even kissed you back But if I'd have known it was the last time I'da held on a little longer And let that moment linger And never let your fingers slip away from mine If I'da known there'd never be another day I'da watched you as you walked away And kept you in my eyes till you were out of sight If I, If I'da known it was the last time? I was in the bathroom getting ready for work and I couldn?t even finish makeup before I was crying it off. Because of ALL the many many ?if I had only?, or ?What if??? , all those regrets, I DID have that. Chad was never a publicly demonstrative person. He was military to the core and didn?t like PDA. I can vividly see every detail of February 22, 2013. He was leaving for Saudi that day. I had tried to get several people to go with me because I knew I would more than likely get upset and driving home alone was not something I wanted to do. Fate or God or something had a different plan. No one could go with me, so I went alone. We didn?t take the kids, he?d said his goodbyes to them that morning and they went on to school. He drove and about halfway there ?I?m Already There? by Lonestar played. I tried to change it because it hurt, but he said to leave it and he grabbed my hand and held it on his leg as he drove. Tears streamed down both our faces. The odds of that old song coming on at that moment seem so slim now. Then when we got to the airport he told me I was going to have to leave him at the curb. I didn?t want to, I told him I would just get him checked in and then leave. We got to the counter and as she was checking him in the attendant overheard us talking about Saudi and asked how long he was going to be gone. When we told her a year, she asked if I would like a gate pass. I was floored. I didn?t think those were even done anymore. We were hours early because of it being an international flight and those hours are irreplaceable in my memory. Because for those few hours, he was what I always knew he could be, what I had always wanted. We ate lunch together. We sat at the gate with our arms around each other and really talked. And this next part, it still seems like a movie scene ? when they called his flight I walked to the jet way with him and he kissed me. HARD. I mean, like almost dipped me. I was bawling by this point and I told him I wasn?t leaving until the flight was in the air; Id be right there at the window. I was standing there staring at the plane and felt someone behind me and turned around and it was him. He?d dropped his bags and come back for another kiss and it was SO long and so achingly sweet. It was the Chad I?d been looking for for 18 years? there was not a dry eye at that gate and some even clapped. He just looked into my eyes and said he didn?t want to leave me but it was all going to be okay. And when that plane left the ground, something in my heart told me I would never see him physically again. I couldn?t shake it. I acted like a widow then. Took to my bed for days, couldn?t sleep in our bed, I was already grieving but he wouldn?t die until 9 months later. The night before he left had been horrible. He was drunk. He had not packed a single thing. The kids were upset. I had to work till after 9 p.m. that night, he showed up at my office drunk. We fought something fierce. I screamed in RAGE that alcohol had yet again robbed me because we went to bed that night back to back. I feel like those hours at the airport were a gift. Because if someone had gone with me he would never have opened up like that to me. He would NEVER have kissed me like that. And I more than likely would have still been furious from the night before. I?m sitting here at work trying to choke back tears writing this; but it?s so bittersweet, that is ONE regret that thank God I don?t have to have. I was already thinking about posting this this morning and then Mac?s Last Words thread spurred me on. God I miss that man. He made me SO DAMN MISERABLE but I?d give anything for 5 minutes to set some things right 

So beautiful. People keep telling me that cheesy saying, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". But that's what came to my mind at your photo ... you KNEW how fragile life was and you lived every minute with him fully in it, if that makes sense. Probably made those 1465 days all that more precious. Hugs to you today.......