Carey

I can't BELIEVE I forgot to tell this one. About a week or so again I was having a terrible day. Just felt overwhelmed and defeated and could barely hold my head up. I was at work and I had Pandora playing on my phone. So the music was random and nothing I specifically picked. This song by Brantley Gilbert came on and I'm no particular fan of his, one way or the other. But I kept thinking I heard my name so I turned it up. The title was "Saving Amy". Wow ... okay so then I googled the lyrics: Lyrics for Saving Amy By Brantley Gilbert Amy's got the letters I wrote My picture in a frame She's had a year to let go She still wearing my ring It hasn't left her finger since the night that I proposed When I promised her forever before I took her home But I never made it home that night A part of her died too I watched her losing her mind And there's nothing I can do Yeah sometimes she goes crazy screaming out my name Saying baby please come and save me I wish she knew I'd do anything To kiss the tears right off her face Tell her everything's okay Feel her heartbeat next to mine And make up for lost time Oh but God I know I can't But you can't let her live this way It's too late for saving me But there's still hope for saving Amy Now three years have gone by She's finally living life And I still watch her sometimes Just to make sure she's alright She knows I'll always be there In her heart and in her dreams 'Cause God, I promised her forever and that's one promise I intend to keep And kiss the tears right off her face Tell her everything's' okay Feel her heartbeat next to mine And make up for lost time Oh but God I know I can't But you can't let her live this way It's too late to save me But there's still hope for saving Amy I'll kiss the tears right off her face When I walk her through these gates Feel her heartbeat next to mine Make up for lost time God I thank you everyday For giving her that ounce of faith That led her right back here to me And most of all for saving Amy Amy, saving Amy Thank you God for saving Amy For saving Amy Thank you God for saving Amy For saving Amy yeah For saving Amy For saving Amy Saving Amy Thank you God for saving Amy Songwriters: GILBERT, BRANTLEY KEITH/BAKER, BONNIE J. ? Warner/Chappell Music, Inc. For non-commercial use only. Data From: LyricFind I was COMPLETELY floored and just started sobbing. Because it was like Chad was talking to me, and telling God that I needed help. I lost it. I'm listening to it now and about to lose it again. Here it is if anyone wants to listen... http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=saving+amy+lyrics&FORM=VIRE1#view=detail&mid=883A5A3DE5BFEA918741883A5A3DE5BFEA918741 (goosebumps all over now..........)

I still feel tremendous guilt. I tended to be the decision maker, bill planner, money manager (rather poorly but it still fell to me), I was always "in charge" of him. He did that, not me. I realize that now. He always depended on me. The man never bought a tee shirt for himself. So because "I" found the job in Saudi, and "I" MADE him go, and "I' treated him like a child when he drank and "I" was giving him the cold shoulder because I knew he was doing something he wasn't supposed to I felt like all the events leading to his death were set in motion by me. Also when he was home, I knew his routine and I knew the signs to watch for and how to prevent chaos and disaster and I 'managed' his alcoholism (what a laugh huh?) I still feel like if he had been home or if I had been there, he would never have died. He would have made it to bed and his CPAP machine and lived. No matter what anyone says to try to convince me otherwise I lived with that man 17 years and I knew him inside and out and I COULD have saved him. Well at least that day. Who knows. It's pure torment and hellish to always have the thoughts running through my head, what if this, or what if that.

That is so SWEET. I'd take it like a sign that he wanted to still make sure the holiday was "covered". He sounds like he believed in being prepared. I'm so glad it brought smiles and not tears!

definitely sending prayers your way ... if He still hears me. Positive thoughts and lots of well wishes of course. I understand that feeling. I had to find a house I could stand for $69,000 when Chad died and even then $100 the wrong direction had the potential to make or break the deal. Hope it all goes well for you.

I've always loved to color and I love the smell of crayons lol. This must really be taking off as a thing because I noticed in Michaels they have very intricate coloring books specifically for adults. I'd like to try it I think but I was kinda fussy about my crayons when I was little..had to be arranged just so, kept sharpened just so and I hate it when people peel the paper off of my crayons ha ha. Seriously though I think I'm gonna do it. I've been crocheting some and that has been helpful but a girl only needs so many afghans.

:snort: .... ok I had to laugh, OMG... "feelin' griefy?"......... talk about a tee shirt in the making lol Joey I'm sure it wasn't your intention but you gave me the biggest laugh today, thank you for that. P.S. People are so oblivious and thoughtless at times, never thinking that they might move past the sad moment but they have now cast us down to a whole night of it, if not longer. I'm sorry honey. People suck.

Yay ......... well yay that people that need us found us but not so yay that the need exists in the first place. But I thank God for this place every day.

I totally understand. I wanted SO much to dream of him. When I do it's hit or miss. Sometimes they are good, sometimes I am in the room watching as he is drinking and I know he's going to die and I keep trying to stop him and he doesn't hear me. No matter which way it goes, waking up is viscerally painful. I miss him sooooooooo damn much. Daily. I hope that at some point maybe the dreams can bring you comfort.

"See You Again" , Carrie Underwood When he left for Saudi I heard this and had him watch the video while he was there; who knew the meaning it would eventually come to have, when it was played at his funeral :*(

I'm so sorry honey ... I know that wasn't easy

Eagles. His song was Where Eagles Fly (Sammy Hagar..and yea I played it in a Pentecostal church for his funeral lol), he worked on F15 Strike Eagles and now it seems I see them flying over, either the planes or real eagles just when I need him. One eagle flew in the sky over us all the way from the funeral home to the cemetery when he was buried, and that was a 55 minute drive.

Ironically it was a year to the day from the last time I went. But my best friend John went with me Saturday and I did SO good at first. I made a flower arrangement of red white and blue flowers for Memorial Day. I left some pennies on many other stones, arranged and fixed some flowers for some that had fallen over and left some extras I had on a few that had nothing. John helped me. But he did his job and that was to make sure I didn't stay too long; because last time I couldn't leave for hours and hours and felt compelled to read nearly every stone, tidy up the whole place as if I could. The committal shelter is close to Chad's spot and there was a flag draped coffin in it. It hit me in the gut. I never did figure out why it was there, because they don't do services on Saturday there and no one was there at all anywhere and the office was closed. But I couldn't take my eyes off it. And I just started crying. HARD. And all I could say over and over was that I hated him (Chad). John always knows the right amount of coddling to do before making me suck it up and move on. He held me a good long while and then started joking with me some, and then finally just said, ok, you told me not to let you do this and I'm hungry so lets go eat. lol. I owe so much to that man, he's the best friend I've ever had. I really needed to do that, though I can't say exactly why but I'm glad I did. It looked pitiful with old faded flowers. It's so cruel and I'm still so damn mad. But at least I didn't lay down in the mud this time right?

His first "funeral" to me was like a random church service. His body was still in Saudi. And for 6 weeks after he died life was all about the details of getting his body here, his effects, his "death benefit", finding somewhere to move to. So when January 17th rolled around and I didn't have the "cloud" of recent shock, I had to drive behind a motorcycle missing man formation escort for nearly an hour to the cemetery and when I was shown to my seat in front of that table with that flag on it I lost the ability to breathe. But That Moment for me, was when that young soldier knelt before me with those pristine white gloves and sincere brown eyes and handed me that flag. OMG. I can hardly breathe right now thinking about it.

She will be a piece of him brought back to you in tangible form that you can touch and hold. I got goosebumps reading your post, and I can't even fathom what you are facing, having so much grief and sadness mixed in with joy and elation at the addition to your family. There really are no words , no comfort but I do believe with all my heart he will be there with you today. {{{HUGS}}}

My thing is making plans and canceling. Or saying I'll go somewhere and don't. It's particularly bad with my family for some reason, but friends too. It's been 17 months and I'm still a chronic no show-er.

I so identify with losing your faith. I used to go to church every time the doors were open. So did Chad. And he would stand in that altar with his hands raised, begging God to help deliver him from alcoholism. Tears streaming down his face. And it killed him anyway. So I agree, when you hear how good God is "all the time" ... they may be right but in my earthly pain I don't see or feel it. I'm not going to deny God, but I do NOT understand how He determines who gets the miracles and who doesn't. I haven't been to church but a handful of times in the 17 months since he died and I don't know if that desire will ever be there again. I'm MAD. I could have written your post honestly because the job sucks and I feel like I'm going backwards too. So solidarity is what I have to offer, that and a big hug I wish I could give you in person today.

Someday I really hope to visit there, I love your photos! I know it was bittersweet, but I'm glad you got to go and have the experience of a lifetime with your daughter.

Never let anyone say it's "just a cat". Animals hold a special place in peoples lives and I am sorry for your loss in this instance. Big hugs to you today.

You're right. The intention behind them, and who they come from. Because like in your example, You need to get your act together, coming from your mother, one of the people you would have hoped would support you the most, hurt way more than a stranger saying you need to get your act together. So even sometimes the actual thing that is said isn't what makes it cruel or insensitive but Who said it. My mom has been widowed twice, the first time she was like 35 years old with two small children so she should SO get it. But she doesn't. She's one of the meanest people in my life.

This is truly sad when you think about it, right along the lines of what we have discussed off and on about "professional widow/ers" and people profiting from loss. The sad thing is I am sure there are people that fall for these lines of BS and it further inhibits any progress they make on their own grief journey. Grief never ends, it just changes shape I read somewhere. So people going to these meetings looking for an end to it or a way out, are all going to be sadly disappointed.

I still sleep on ours. It's 15 years old for God's sake and it's uncomfortable. I bought a feather topper for it because I can't bear to part with it

oh it's nationwide news now, he's had his first court appearance where he confessed in an F-word peppered speech. Extradited back here yesterday where he was removed from the courtroom for another hate filled outburst. This guy is a piece of work. There was actually a bomb threat at the college today and once again, Katie had already been dropped off and they evacuated and closed the college

I was able to suggest having someone you trust look first only because I experienced it. My trauma wasn't pictures but was his actual body after he had been dead 6 weeks. My brother and sister went in first. And I had a dear friend on standby to go home with me. I couldn't NOT look. Really there was just no way I was walking out of that funeral home without touching Chad. Its a touchy thing, a lot of people just cant understand why someone would "intentionally do that to themselves". Even to other widows sometimes it's hard to communicate why that desperate need is there. Not everyone's loss happened the same way and some special circumstances/tragedies just defy logic. Our brains cant compute. I'm one that would have insisted on photos and I'm sure everyone would say how crazy I was, I just cant explain the why. Yes it hurt like HELL to see him like that, but then again I got at least a couple answers to the hundreds I will never have. I'm sure Lisa didn't intend any harm at all, she just expressed concern. No one here would intentionally hurt one of our own.

My Chad was not a very material guy and he didn't have much at all. He also was in Saudi for nearly a year so most all of his clothes were already gone. I remember joking with him that I had taken over the closet and I didn't know what he was going to do when he came back. I had also already had to get rid of his Jeep because I had to use it as a trade when I threw a rod in my Mountaineer and had to get a new vehicle. again, Poor Chad, what are you going to drive when you get home? It's weird really ... like he was gone before he was gone. It was 4 months after he died before I got his belongings back from Saudi and really besides tools and shop stuff, those 4 boxes were all Chads earthly belongings. My son has his laptop and the tools and stuff. Daughter took over a ton of his tee shirts. They both like to wear his shirts...ok yea so do I. I have all these little note pads with his handwriting with drawings of jet engines and schematics that make no sense to me, but it's his handwriting so I keep them. I've always been a sentimental packrat. I have every card he ever gave me. All the sympathy cards. A lock of his hair, just all kinds of crazy stuff. And I don't see any of it going anywhere any time soon.

Well I went from wearing my eternity band, my past-present-future and HIS gold band to just the past-present-future. Still looks a teeny bit bridal, but I hope without a band there ... well anyway. I just cant take em all completely off yet. But congratulations on your date