jgib

Mike, I think you are dead right and more women should listen when you give feedback. Men think differently then women and I think any insight is welcome. Doesn't mean right or wrong, just more things to ponder....

I can certainly say, in all honesty, you are not alone.....

I believe if there are boundaries or lines to be drawn it is his responsibility to do so. He is the one that has a relationship with her and he chooses how to handle it. Don't let that taint your relationship with him....

Thanks for the words Michael. I have never really thought of glee in relation to death's performance, it has always been a bit more frenetic in my mind.....I guess glee could be attached to that, it wouldn't surprise me.... I do believe I am still embroiled but I can say it is not really a struggle anymore. A battle some days perhaps, but a battle I plan to win. It is such a different world and life. I don't really recognize myself anymore. A phoniex rising from the ashes perhaps...ha, snort...ya right..... I appreciate the offer of light. I can honesty say my efforts to generate my own light seem to be coming to fruition. It certainly has been dim here for a while. With your strength, compassion and keen mind you will be needing that light. Store it away for now, keep it safe I think one day you will look for it and breathe a healthy glow to it again. All just words....I know.....

Ok, ready for a long one?! I am 3.5 years out.....maybe some of you know that already. I lurk on some of the online sites. Been for coffee a couple of times...either I wasn't interested or they weren't. I'm cool with all that. One fellow has stuck it out. We have been texting for a long time, over a year. We live quite far apart and have not met yet. His pictures show me he is attractive enough but I have not met him in person. I suspect he feels the same about my photos. His life very much mirrors my DH and this makes me mildly nervous. He connects with me often and I know things about his life and he about mine. I have not shared all and we don't have super deep conversations as I don't think text lends to that really. He often mentions that he would like more, but we haven't met yet! I would like to meet in person before I decide that. I am worried I am something in his head that I am not in real life! So last night we were texting and he was doing some fairly harmless sexual banter. I would have comfortably participated if it was someone I was more intimate with. I kind of pulled up and told him he was naughty and bad.....he stopped. What I know of him, I like. This is all so strange.... I sent him this text: "Hi ......... Ready for a long post? I think I should clear some things up... I withdraw from your flirting and sexual banter, not because I don't like those things but just because I am not there yet. I have never been one for casual sex or one night stands, having an emotional connection first seems to work best for me. I do like you and our conversations, but we have not met yet. I do not like to say things I may not follow through with. I think being a widow has its own struggles. I was married a long time to a man I loved very much. I know it has been a while but I still find feeling NOT married as unusual. I am not sure if I am protecting you or myself..... I have no desire to hurt you. I also still think there is a tickle in the back of my mind that says if it can happen once, it can happen again...... I would like to think there is someone else out there for me. I want to be open to it for sure. I worry it may be too much of a challenge for some. I certainly appreciate how you have hung in there..... I would like to be open and honest with you. We have not had many deep conversations so I thought I would lay it out there. I am more then open to any questions you have and will answer them as best I can. After all that (phew), I hope you have had a great day.... " His response was sorry he offended me and he was teasing and that he would stop as he respected me and would behave. I said I wasn't offended and I enjoyed playful but decided I should tell him what my thoughts were. We continued to text for a little bit more. I would love your thoughts and opinions. I am at a bit of a loss......

I am so very sorry for your loss. I just found Radio Hell...I am glad I did. My dad passed, then I lost my oldest sister (my best friend) and her husband, next my mom passed and last but not least, 6 months later my husband left for work and never came home. All in a 4 year span. I have often thought that I am glad I never had children because I am sure they would have been next in line...... 3 and a half years on and scored 30 on the quiz...that was interesting to take. Michael, thanks for posting and being here......I am so sad to say.....you get it.....

I get it too... I am just over three years out from loosing him but so many others went in the few years before him.... I think that the fog and numbness has lifted enough that the anniversaries of all their passings can have some weight and recognition again. The days don't just slip by anymore, I am able to acknowledge and feel them. I am going to say it is nice not to be so overwhelmed with grief that I can actually feel again. Great post, thanks for giving me a place here too.

All welcome and invited for sure. Had no intention of exclusion but had Mrs, Ms, Miss on my mind.... Thanks for sharing your choices! I have no desire to go back to my maiden name so his name with no Mrs seems odd. We all work it out how we can, don't we?

Has been 3 and a half years and I am still Mrs... Interested to hear how others feel and see themselves.

I don't share much. I find that other widows/widowers and cancer/chemo survivors understand the best.

I hear ya.....

I truly think this is not about what is 'right' but right for each individual. We are all different....upbringing, values, environment, genes.....all different. I enjoy sex a great deal but for it to be really good for me I require an emotional connection as well. This means I choose not to have one night stands or casual sex. I like to know and connect with my partner and that takes a bit of time. Like I say, that is what works for me personally and I get for others it is the opposite. I think we get enough judgment through this whole process, we don't need it from each other here.

Still my side after over 3 years.....funny really because I used to give him a hard time about how he was so stuck on his side......

I agree, your ring, your finger. I have lost my dad, oldest sister, my mom and then my husband all in a 4 year period. I had my dads wedding band, a birth stone ring from my mom (we share the same birth stone), a bracelet from my sister and the rings my husband bought for me all made into one ring. I love it. They are all close to me on the middle finger of my left hand. Even the finger seems appropriate as they give me the strength to wave it at the world if I need too.....

Over 3 years out and I am now putting together a memorial tattoo. We all do things in our own time.

Fuck the insurance company that has dragged this on for 3 and a half years with no end in sight....you suck, you really do..... Very difficult to move forward dragging them along. Did I mention that they suck?

I cannot tell how much I appreciate you all. I see words typed here that express how I feel but would never say out loud. I miss sex a lot but the thought of it with someone else doesn't sit well with me. I went from never going without to cold turkey...... It takes so long to get to know someone well enough that you just accept them for who they are and are comfortable just being yourself around them....I miss that too.......

My husband will forever be 46. Just over 3 years now. Thank you very much for your post. I am struggling with the whole aging thing a bit. I would like to do it gracefully! I have not dated either, not sure I will. We were such a good fit, not sure if my quirkiness will find another fit. I am starting to be comfortable in the life I have now. On the bad days I miss him terribly, on the good days I remember him fondly.

My job wasn't really stressful but it was emotionally demanding. I was an education aide to special needs children. Mainly my work was with teenage boys with severe behaviour disorders. I was lucky to get disability leave for 6 months and after that I knew there was no way, so I gave up my position. Worked part time at a menial job where I didn't have to think or feel to much. After that I moved and got a part time grounds keeping position so I worked outside......helped a lot for me.... Added a part time retail job to this a few months later. Learned to be reliable and productive all over. I was in a total fog for 2 years! At the 3 year anniversary, to the month, I started working with kids again. It was 6 months ago and it feels good to be back. Not in a school and not full time, but back. On demanding days I know I could not have done it sooner.

Want to post a picture and it won't let me.....what am I doing wrong?

Be open and honest right away. If it isn't working or right tell him right away. It will only get tougher later with more resentment. If you need to go slower, just tell him that too. Widows are different then divorcees I think. If he honours that it may be worth investigating, if he ignores it, move on!

I think red flags are red flags. I think people can modify and cover things about themselves when in new relationships. How many times have you heard "they just changed"? In most cases they didn't, it was just the red flags were ignored as one off. Sounds a bit negative I suppose, but if something comes up you just have to decide if you can live with it because I think it will come up again.

You are a thoughtful, smart woman. It is not an easy road we all travel here.

I was tempted early on. Met someone I liked, luckily he was wiser then I. He told me I had healing to do and that we had connected because we were both broken. We became good friends and 3 years on I would count him as one of my best. I am so glad we never became romantically involved, we are not right for each other that way. I now do not look for anybody else to help me with my feelings, I work them out. I am independent and comfortable with me. I am more confident in making choices about things on my own and even just being in my own space. These are all things I may not achieved if I was with someone else too quickly. I am not sure I am even ready yet but I am open if someone comes along. We all have our own journey because no two will be the same. It has been good for me to hear about others stories. Thanks for starting this post Mishka. My condolences and best wishes to you.

Gardening for sure...veggies and flowers! Car or truck?