DonnaP

Ok - Our NEW date is Sunday, November 22. We can kick off the start of the holiday eating season - haha. Who's available? DonnaP and MrDrew

Howabout this ... anyone who is there early can meet in front of the Portsmouth Brewery at 4 p.m. We will wait outside for about 5 minutes and if no one shows, we will just return at 5 for the group meetup. See you all later. Looking forward to it! DonnaP and MrDrew

Just an FYI, Andrew and I are going to try to get to Portsmouth by 4 and walk around a little bit before going to the Brewery. If anyone wanted to meet up earlier, let me know. We have to leave by about 7 to head home (we are driving back to Connecticut), so I thought I'd offer a little extra time on the front end ... Let me know. Donna

WOW MS, That is SO awful. I have an estranged relationship with my in-laws, but my family are (for the most part) supportive. I would never dream of hearing those types of comments. My Dad, especially, was always in my corner. He is not here with us any longer (we lost him in 2012, so he did not get to see my walk down the aisle again). But whatever I had chosen, they would have supported me. That just sucks that the people who brought you into this world are treating you so poorly! You did the right thing to tell them to get lost. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. BIG HUGS, Donna

My in-laws slowly morphed into out-laws too. And my group of friends shifted, slowly, over time. I hardly see or hear from those individuals who I considered close friends when Mick was alive. But there are others who stayed true and were there for me when I needed them. As another person commented, it is far better to go for quality over quantity. Donna

ok - thanks - this is all very helpful. More info - he HAS been job hunting. He does not want to just get into another position like the one he has now, because he feels he will be equally unhappy there. He wants a total change, but needs some direction. He feels if he were not stuck working, he could devote more time to the search. Of course, this is a Catch 22, as most of us know - it is actually easier to get hired if you are currently employed. But, given the circumstances, I think he will eventually have to resign. I like the suggestions about how to explain why he left his current position... that could be very helpful. He has been searching online job sites and sending out resumes. I'm helping him with "thoughtful" cover letters. It's just that the job market is flooded right now with qualified applicants. We need to find a way to make his application stand apart from all the others... SO stressful...

Yep - that sounds right. 5 p.m. at Portsmouth Brewery. See you all then! DonnaP and MrDrew

Thanks! Missmybecky, how did you address the subject of why you left your previous job when potential employers asked? And, did you get any compensation when you got fired? What about your health insurance coverage? I'm just worried that the job market is still poor. And he has bills to pay (rent, insurance, cell phone). Luckily, his other debt is pretty low. If only we could be sure he would land another job soon... Any advice for how to go about the job search? Donna

Help! My son has been working in the accounting field for the past three years. He HATES his job. And I think it shows. A month ago, he was put on probation for not meeting expectations. Since that time, he has really tried to put forth the extra effort. His boss said he noticed he is trying but said "he is 'still not there yet'" so he could not lift the probation status. THEN, my son gets an email from the same supervisor saying that he now has 30 days to show improvement or "separation may occur." It sounds to me like they are trying to force him out. He is wondering whether he should just quit, rather than stay and risk getting fired. Which is worse? Does anyone have any experience in this area??? He is so beside himself, he called employee assistance today to talk to a counselor.

Hope your friend recovers soon. It is TOTALLY understandable that you would be freaked out. Give yourself a break. Take a breath. And do what you need to do to take care of yourself (eat, sleep, keep hydrated). Stay strong. Sending hugs, Donna

Sounds like a wonderful tribute to Don. What a wonderful idea to share the cake with co-workers. I have not visited Mick's place of employment for a while (he died in 2010). But every time I went there, I somehow felt a piece of him with me. My co-workers were also very good to me for a very long time. Now that five+ years have passed, things are more "normalized" and very few people actually remember the dates like I do. Of course, if I mention that it was "Mick's birthday" or the sadiversary, I get caring remarks, but I tend to mark his dates privately now (with certain family members). There still has not been a day that I have not thought of him, wished to talk to him or feel his arms around me. I don't think we really ever stop missing them... HUGS, Donna

Early love can (and does) happen. In my case, the older and wiser version of me was much more capable of recognizing love than my younger self. It took less than a month, most of which was communication on the phone and email. When we met -- we were already in love. It's not the same as the first time around. In some cases, it is better (example: we are much more expressive of our love, knowing how precious a thing it is). In other cases, there are special challenges (merging two households to form one family). I wouldn't trade our "baggage" for anything. It's part of who we are. But there are days I wish things were easier. I am happy and content in my new life, and I adore my current husband but I still miss my old life.

Hi Amor, It seems you are asking a question of a group of people who are NOT on this forum. So, those who are (we remarried folks) have to answer on their behalf. I remarried, but my husband is a widower too, so he has all the same feelings I have. I can say unequivocally that we both have as much love, if not more, for each other than we did for our previous spouses. That is precisely because of the loss we faced and because we know the risks in letting ourselves love again. I guess what I am saying is this -- if you DO find someone who you enjoy being with, who brightens your days/nights, who cares about you, give it a chance. Love is worth all the pain. HUGS, Donna

Yayy! I get that! I have morphed into a different version of me, since Mick died. But when pieces of the "old me" come out, it's awesome. Glad you had one of those moments! Go you! <3

I think you are right--the time-space continuum is altered after a loss. That is why people describe their grief by saying: "seems like just yesterday, and at the same time, seems like forever." There is also some truth to the fact that our lives (as we knew them) cease, at the time of a spouse's death. D.

Right now I'm involved in a Wellness Challenge at work called "1000 Strong." It basically challenges participants to do 1000 reps of any form of strength training or cardio exercise over the course of one month. So far I've been doing jumping jacks (yes, they are on the list), push ups, crunches, squats. I plan to add in weight bearing exercises too.

Yes, we are still good for Saturday, October 17. We just need to decide on a time and place? Nonesuch? What do you think? Portsmouth Brewery at around 5 p.m. ?? Who's in??

Great suggestions!! Thanks! Right now, I am putting together an Excel spreadsheet tracking my spending for the year, month by month. That should give me an idea of where my money has been going... In consolidating student loan and other debt in one place, I feel like I got a handle on some of it. But it is the day to day spending where things go awry. It's amazing how much $$ can go out the door on things you did not plan ... For me, the category that is the hardest to control is travel/entertainment. I like to do fun things, like go into NYC on a whim and see my son. I think in my new budget, I'm going to set some money aside for "fun stuff," but let it accumulate before indulging on a whim. We'll see how it goes. It's very hard to rein in behaviors that have been around for a while

I vote we move this BAGO to Southern Cal. All in favor, say I! Aww, L, What a nice offer! It's a bummer you are so far away. MrDrew and I are tentative now. Not sure it will work out with our schedule, but trying... I'm watching the post to see where people end up, but not weighing in, since we are not definite attendees... DonnaP

I've pretty much always managed my spending the old fashioned way -- I buy what I want and worry about it later. Not so great when you are trying to stick to a budget! I want to be more fiscally responsible, and get a handle on my debt, which has been growing, rather than shrinking. I've consolidated all the debt into a home equity loan, so now I just need to chink away at that... Anyone have helpful suggestions or ideas on sticking to a budget?

Hey sweetie, I SO wish I could be there to give you that hug you need right now! I know that life without our dear spouses can be (pick one, or more) challenging, overwhelming, frustrating, daunting, heartwrenching, dismal, exasperating, infuriating, lonely, and just plain sad. It's ok to let the tears come from time to time. Not a one of us can be superman all the time. You have done an amazing job picking up the pieces and moving forward with your life and your kids' lives. For myself, I thought from the get-go that the children were a blessing. They are simultaneously a reason to go on and a major responsibility. Sure, without that tether, you'd be free to pursue a new relationship, unhindered. But then again, without them in the picture, there would be an endless supply of emptiness too. I'll bet there is even a certain amount of guilt riding around in your head right now, just thinking of what it would be like if the kids were out of the house. I also hear your apathy regarding the senior who was killed. A big part of that, of course, is our numbness from the previous loss. Very few things can even come close to the pain we felt from the loss of our spouse, that other losses, especially those that are removed a bit from our own circumstances, seem to pale in comparison. If it does not affect us directly, it's hard to feel something. I think your high schoolers will feel a little of the backlash, but not as much as if they knew the person. So, there is that small bit of relief. No need to feel shameful, in wishing for less pain for your children. As far as the dating profile goes... when the right relationship materializes, as I'm certain it will, everything will fall into place. It may be that the two-month gal is still in your heart. If so, perhaps that is where you need to look. It sounded like she was good for you. No matter what, you deserve to be happy. Your kids want that for you too, even if they don't always show it. HUGS, my friend. I hope the day gets better for you. Donna

I can't even imagine the kind of emotions that would bring out. HUGS and more HUGS to you, as you go through another difficult loss. Donna

I am a big fan of happy endings So glad you found yours! Best wishes for all the happiness in the world!!

Yes. My brother and his wife live in the same town as my twin sister and her husband. So obviously geography is on their side. I know I should talk to my sister, but I am afraid to do so

The British Beer Company is another good option.