DonnaP

Mr Drew and I are looking forward to seeing everyone. Hoping for a nice day - we may even take the bike up!

Hey there, friend! I wish I could be there with you right now, chatting over tea. I watched the Presidential Race unfold, same as everyone, in disbelief. I'm trying my best to ignore the whole thing in the hopes that it will go away! In the meantime, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone! Love you! Donna

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I don't know if there is a right way to handle this. I think it just depends on the people involved and the circumstances. I try to put myself in his position, and I am pretty certain my parents would have helped me the way I am considering helping him. In fact, thanks to the generosity of my parents, I had no student loans to deal with at all. They foot the entire bill for my college education. I'm not going to take on a car loan for him. I can use my home equity credit line to finance a used car ($11,000 for a 2013 Nissan Sentra with 29,000 miles on it - which I think is a pretty good deal). Then, I can just set up monthly payments for him to pay me back the money. It will take a while. He isn't making a large salary, so I don't want to overtax him. I also want him to be saving some of his money, and not spending the entire paycheck. I just hope it does not become an issue down the road...

Backstory - both my sons are finished with college and have moved out on their own (yay!) Once they both had paying jobs, I transferred responsibility of most of their own bills to them. These include things like cellphone, car, insurance, student loans, etc. My younger son is far more independent and has never once complained about taking on some of his expenses. He lives in NYC and does not need a car, therefore, his expenses are less than his brother's. My older son is struggling a bit financially - he took a job paying substantially less than the previous one, mainly to get started in a new field and get out of a bad situation which he hated. He had enough money to pay his bills monthly, but just barely. And he is not able to save much. Could he cut back in expenses? Probably - but it's not like he is over extravagant either. He needs a new car and I'm afraid the car payments will put him over the limit of what he can afford monthly. Sigh. I'm thinking of how to help him without taking on the entire burden myself. Any thoughts or ideas??

What time are you thinking of gathering on Saturday?

Can we get a head count on who would like to go to dinner afterward? Andrew would like to make a reservation.

Looking forward to it! List of supplies is very helpful!

Hey there Shannon, Believe it or not, there are PLENTY of people who give a shit, but they are probably a) giving you space; b) not sure how best to help; or c) feeling awkward and unsure of themselves -- an all-too-common after-effect of death. People just don't know how to act around us wids. But - there are also those of us here on the widow board that care and will listen. Keep reaching out to us. I'm not on the board as often as I was back in the beginning of my journey (I am over six years out now), but I do check in from time to time. I saw your post and wanted to reach out with a hug!! Hang in there. I don't have any glowing pearls of wisdom except to say that this is hard, just like you knew it would be, but it gets better with time. Keep busy, find things you love to do, and do them. Spend time with the people who make you happiest. HUGS, DonnaP

Can we get a confirmation on the time and place we are supposed to meet? Also, Andrew and I will most likely grab dinner somewhere in the vicinity -- if anyone would like to join us, you are welcome. We would like to go to The Old Mill Restaurant in nearby Westminster, MA. Here is a review on tripadvisor: www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g41927-d504832-r143520623-1761_Old_Mill_Restaurant-Westminster_Massachusetts.html

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. There is a lot to think about, and while I agree that showing her/him we still love her/him, I'm also keenly aware of the dangers implicit here (fear of non-acceptance; risks of drugs, suicide, etc.) For the time being, I plan to tread lightly and try to be as supportive as possible. The problem, for me, is that although I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, it is often difficult for me to mask my true feelings, so if I feel something is wrong, it may show through my feeble attempts to mask it. Not that I think her decision is "wrong" per se. But I do think she has a tendency toward the dramatic, and past history tells me that she is prone to jumping into the deep end of the pool without fully contemplating what that means. I also think that making any "rash" decisions about surgically altering her body or taking hormone injections should wait a little longer, until she/he is absolutely certain, without the slightest doubt. I pray for the strength I will need to help see her through this period of turmoil, whichever way it turns out. DonnaP

Ok - very weird day yesterday. Step-daughter leaves us a note, admitting that she/he has decided that she/he is transgender. He wants us to start calling him Theo, his new trans name, and use the correct pronouns (he/him). Not sure how to handle this. It's all so far beyond my realm of normal. I think I need time to process. Anyone have ANY experiences of this sort to share?

Think this counts as a 5K? haha. That is something that has been on my bucket list awhile. And I'm all about multitasking

Sorry I'm late with my response, but my excuse is that I was out of the country... I'd like to add my heartfelt thanks to Rudi for hosting a wonderful evening. Even despite the rain, we had a great time meeting, eating, socializing, etc. And those of us who stayed a bit later got to enjoy the chocolate surprise at the end. haha. Till next time, Ciao! Donna

(HUGS) to you both! It's so hard to deal with compound losses because the original grief comes back even stronger. When my Dad passed away, I felt I didn't really have the proper mourning period for him alone, since I was still grieving for Mick. I wish you strength as you get through this time. Donna

What is your timetable? We are driving up after work on Friday - hoping to arrive by 6 p.m. depending on traffic. Is that too late??

Hi Kater! A golf tournament is a great idea - but a LOT of work (all worth it, I assure you). We organized one the year my husband died and held it every year for five years. After time, the interest drops off a bit, so after five years we had a harder time getting the head count needed to host a shotgun tournament. Sounds like you are already underway. You've chosen a date. Do you have a course in mind? Some courses have stricter rules about the minimum number of players. You need to contact the course to see what their rules are -- and how much they would charge per player. I can give you all the specifics you need. Feel free to message me. DonnaP

Maureen, Your strength of will, determination, resilience, and unfailingly positive attitude have made all the difference. You still have a role to play in this world, and those of us left here are glad to have you with us! I'll be your cheerleader anyday. Love and HUGS, Donna

We are going to try to get there too. DonnaP and MrDrew

I would agree that there are no absolutes. Sometimes, it is necessary to put the children's needs first. Other times, you absolutely need to focus on your relationship and put each other first. If it's all one and not the other, something will suffer. I remarried a widower and we both brought children into the equation. We have talked about how to manage/juggle the various needs of all people in our blended family. It just comes down to weighing whose needs are the most important at any given time. I'm sure there are times when we manage our juggling act well; and other times when we fall short. But we try to do our best to make sure everyone in the equation feels they are important in our lives. Good luck! It's no easy task. DonnaP

Sorry - Saturday does not work for us. It's one of the weekends I actually have to work. So, I will be stuck in Connecticut until 1:30 helping out at the Commencement ceremonies. Oh well. We will miss seeing you all. Have fun. Sending HUGS! DonnaP and MrDrew

Thirty years ago today, Mick and I said "I do." And we did -- for almost 24 years. I am SO jealous of all my family and friends who are now posting messages of affirmation to their spouses ("I'd marry you all over again....") We would have made it to 30, and beyond. Our marriage was happy. It was solid. We were best friends, parents and lovers. I miss him with every breath I take. So many memories, all tied to him. So much that he has missed these past six years. My heart is still with you, Mick. A piece of it will always be yours. I hope you are happy knowing I've found love again. I know that my life has so much more meaning because Andrew is a part of it. I'm still sad you are not here, though. I guess we never truly get over loss. Thanks for listening. Your Donna

I just completed a HUGE goal -- I was asked to participate in an event at Quinnipiac University, where I work. The event is called "Dancing with the QU Stars." The Quinnipiac Ballroom Dance Society has a number of talented students, who each get paired with a faculty or staff partner and learn one dance for the night. My partner and I had to learn a fancy foxtrot. It was nerve-wracking and I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but it was great and I totally enjoyed the experience. There is a clip up on Facebook. I don't know if this link will work - but give it a try: https://www.facebook.com/donna.pintek/videos/pcb.10209553699148697/10209553689548457/?type=3&theater

I totally get this! Things in my life are going well, but every so often something gets off track. Recently my son broke up with his girlfriend (again!) and has been having a hard time. I SO wish I could talk to Mick about this. We were always a team when it came to our kids. I am fortunate in that I am remarried to a wonderful man. But I often feel I don't have the same connection with him, since he does not have the history or know the boys like I do. Same holds true for his daughter, although I've worked hard at forging a relationship of my own there. Basically, not having them around sucks! (((BIG HUGS, Captainswife))) I know what you are going through... DonnaP

Just seeing this. Sending tight (((HUGS))) -- I remember sitting in a waiting room when my Dad needed surgery (several months after DH's death). It was torturous, because I did not have Mick with me. I hope all the prayers and the support from your friends and family carried you through. How is your niece doing?

Life is so unfair at times. What we have learned is that love can find us again, often when we least expect it. I pray that it finds you again, when your heart is ready. (((HUGS))) Donna