DonnaP

I'm SO sorry, MS! It's awful to lose such a loyal friend. Sending my biggest HUG!

I had the privilege of meeting Pru as well. So sorry to hear about the diagnosis. Hoping all goes well. HUGS, Donna

Here is a photo of Andrew (MrDrew) and me on our honeymoon in Ireland. We took a motorcycle trip cross country!

Thanks, everyone, for your words and understanding. At times, it is just hard to relay the continued sense of loss to non-wids. They figure enough time has passed now that it should no longer be bothering me. But some days, the longing is so acute and widow fuzz brain sets in again. It's not the grief monster. I'm not breaking down into tears, like I would back in the beginning. But, yet, I don't quite feel like my old self. Hey - revelation - I am NOT my old self. I'm this new person who is still evolving. I wonder if five years from now, if I will look back on THESE days with longing... Nothing stays the same. It's a fact of life. One conversation with Mick. That's all I want. I almost had one in a dream this morning. But he was elusive still.

YES! Exactly! There are memories -- SO many memories -- that Mick and I shared alone. So, if my memory fails me, there is no one to ask Plus, I just miss our conversations. We could always talk. Even after 24 years of marriage. It was one of the things I loved most. He was not only my husband, but also my best friend. I miss him so much. It's weird. To be, all at once, happy and settled in a new marriage, and also missing my former husband. Luckily, my new husband totally understands these feelings. He is widowed too. And luckily, we can talk about things. But it's not the same. Since he doesn't have the same history as me. In a lot of ways, it feels like starting at square one. Which I guess we are! Some of that is cool and exciting (especially the romance part - which is HOT HOT), but other parts are just frustrating. Like having to get acquainted with all new relatives and not feeling the same around family gatherings... I don't know. Just rambling today. Thanks for listening... Donna

You know that feeling? You just want to pick up the phone and talk to your spouse. Tell him about something. Discuss things. There are days, like today, when, for no particular reason, I just want that. I wish I could tell Mick how much I miss him. And, yet, how happy I am with Andrew. What a good man he is. How wonderful he is to me. I wish i could chat with Mick about my family, and how their lives shifted after he died. How my twin and her husband hang out more with my brother and his wife now. I wonder what he'd say. I wish he were here to put his arms around me and tell me not to worry. My mind is so scattered today. I hate that.

Hi sweetheart! I just had time to read your most recent posts on this thread. What an amazing journey you had! And, YES, THANK GOODNESS for Rosie being by your side the whole time! She has been a Godsend! And I'm glad you have her with you! I was in awe seeing and hearing about all of the places you visited. Such beauty! It's good that you were able to, not only take the time to travel across the country like that, but also share the experience with your niece! I'm so sorry John wasn't able to participate in it too, but I suppose, had he been here, the trip would never have happened in the same way that it did... Weird how so many life events are predicated on other life events. I'm still trying to sort my way through some things that leave knots in my stomach--mostly family related. The one thing I do know for certain is that the friends I've made through YWBB are some of the best friends I could ever ask for--especially YOU! Hang in there, my friend. There is more to this life yet... perhaps a new love will come around the corner one fine day and sweep you off your feet. Who knows? Stranger things have happened... Until then, know that you are LOVED so very much, by all of us!!!

Working on a possible date... stay tuned

lcoxwell, You can do it! Sending HUGS your way and hoping everything goes smoothly. Remember to breathe... <3 Donna

Thanks, SieOma, Yes, in fact, I have considered organizing a trip for all of us. There just hasn't been a good time to do that as of yet. My new husband started a new job this year and has little or no vacation time, so the group vacation idea will have to wait a bit. I think (make that HOPE) things will improve over time. But, as 51, I just don't have thirty years to wait for my family to accept my new husband like my they did Mick.

Hey sweetie! Of course the answer is "YES." None of us expected to find a second love. And yet we did. Sometimes, love just finds US. You have a lot to offer the right person. When the time is right... Good luck with the final leg of the trip. HUGS< Donna

Update -- The pool is down. The deck is gone. They evened out the yard, added topsoil and spread grass seed. Well. My yard is bigger... I do miss the pool, though. It's been SO hot the past week. Figures!

Wow guys - I had to go to page 7 to find this thread again. It sort of dropped off the grid for awhile, but I know you've all been doing great things and just not bragging about them - haha. As for me, I've been busy trying to deal with, you know, life stuff. But in between, I do try to do nice things for people in my life. I think my biggest "kindness" was taking my Mom (85 years old) into New York City for the day. We took the train in, had lunch, went to the Museum of Natural History and had dinner, then took the train back. It was a fun, if tiring day. We managed the Museum by getting a wheelchair there so she didn't have to do too much walking. All in all, I think she had a GREAT day! I'm glad I was able to make that happen. She loved going into NY when she was younger, but now she can't walk too long without getting tired.

Proposition: would I feel AS envious of other couples and their happiness if Mick were still alive? Probably not. But envy is a tricky thing -- it permeates and infiltrates (sneaky bastard!). Resolution: As some of you have said (thank you btw!), I should focus on the positive aspects of my life, rather than dwell on the negatives and what-ifs. Now, if I can only devise a path to get from A to B. I'll keep working on it. Maybe in time, it will come to me - hahah. In the meantime, thanks for giving me a shoulder to lean upon. And picking me up. I needed that

Every time one of the couples I know celebrates another anniversary, it's like salt in the wound

We are in blending-central. Two wids. Each with two children, in varying degrees of independence. Only one lives home with us at the moment. My two sons are 24 and 25 and each living on their own. Both have good jobs and pay their own bills, thankfully. They were both in college when their father died, so it was a progression to get them financially stable and footing their own bills. My new husband has a 20-year-old daughter who is now in college. Plus, a handicapped step-daughter who is living in a group home. We pay for most of the basics for the 20-year-old, although she is incurring some of the college costs in the form of student loans. (Her tuition is free, due to the fact that I work for a university, so it's just room and board costs). Everyone had to make compromises in some form when we merged the two families. I believe my husband and step-daughter had to face the most change, because they moved into a new home, in a different state. To make things work, my older son had to give up his bedroom so his new step-sister would have a bedroom. Since he was planning to move out soon, anyway, it was a no brainer that he should be the one to vacate the bedroom. We fashioned a temporary bedroom in our finished basement, and he lived there for about six months until he got an apartment with a friend. We re-did the bedroom, purchased a new bed and bedding and tried to make it as homey as possible. Younger son has less transition stuff, but did have to get used to having a step-sister in the house. For the most part, they get along, but I would not say they are overly chummy. There are times when it seems they enjoy each other's company, and I'm glad for that. It would be extremely awkward if somebody didn't get along and people avoided other people, but I have to say that they have really all tried. The only tension is in the form of my relationship with SD. It fluctuates from very good to a bit tense, mainly when she is moody and sarcastic. She sees sarcasm as a form of humor; whereas I see it as her excuse to be rude. But, for the most part, we get along and things are good. It's an adjustment. Getting used to a new person in your life, especially if you were not the one who initiated the contact in the first place, but were simply thrown together. Not everything is totally merged. We still have separate checking/savings accounts, but are working toward combining at some point. We still have two sets of bills since he has not sold his house. It's a nice weekend get-away spot and makes visiting with his handicapped step-daughter much easier. For us, being together is the important part. The transition is going to take some time. It's a work in progress. And we are ok with that. Rome wasn't built in a day -- haha.

Well, at least she got it right on the first reference. Oh well. They say "It's the thought that counts." Take it for what it's worth. The sentiment was very nice And, well, frankly, speaking for myself, we wids are a mess... so, there is a speck of truth to that... HUGS, Mess! Donna

Good luck with the move! A big pat on the back for all you've accomplished. My house is still chock FULL of Mick reminders. I have been slowly removing the ones that have less meaning to me, either giving the items away, taking things to consignment or simply tossing. It's a SLOW process and I wonder if I'll ever be done! Hugs on your efforts! Donna

Second thoughts, or can we call them "doubts," can be such a bitch. I think, for us widowed folks, it is hard to be absolutely certain of anything. I know that sounds like a bold, generic statement, but here's the thing -- everything we thought to be true and solid vanished when our spouses died. For those like me, it happened so suddenly, we didn't have time to wrap our heads around it, let alone understand everything. My life was utterly and irreversibly altered and I didn't have one damn say in the matter. Now, you are thinking about jumping into the deep end of the pool again. And maybe your heart tells you to go ahead, but there is that piece of your brain that still questions every little decision you make, because it is trying to protect you from more hurt. Also, if there are children involved, that adds an entirely new set of complications. I was certain that I loved my fiance. And he loved me. Our interests were aligned and I knew he was a good man who would be with me through thick and thin. The rest I figure we will figure out as we go. There are a LOT of complications to our lives at the moment -- two houses, children from both sides, financial decisions etc. It's all part of this new life. Some parts I love -- like snuggling in his arms on Sunday mornings. Other parts are an exercise in patience -- like dealing with a moody step-daughter. But I have no doubt we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. Don't try to over-analyze everything. Just figure out how you really feel about her and she about you. Are there any deal-breakers? (e.g., volatile behavior toward my kids was one for me -- thankfully, there was none of that in my new guy). Good luck! It's never easy. Donna

Ramble away if you like... this is a "no-judgement" zone My current husband is widowed just like me. We have often joked that we are like two broken puzzle pieces from two different puzzles that happen to fit pretty well together. It's a metaphor that actually works. So, I say, yes, we are damaged, and yes our hearts were/are broken, but we still have a great capacity to love and can bring a lot to a new relationship. In our case, our love feels like it may even be stronger than our first loves, precisely BECAUSE we lost so much, and the first loves remain a part of the new bond, if that makes any sense. It's exponential, like love squared. LOVE to the fourth power. Something like that.

Love you, sweetie! So sad right now. Life seems so unfair at times. Donna

For a while now, I have been aware that I am totally envious of people whose lives have not been torn apart by the loss of a spouse. I have four siblings, all of whom are older than me (including my twin sister, who is 8 minutes older). So why do I resent the fact that everyone else still has their spouse, except for me? Mick wasn't the youngest of the guys. My twin's hubby was four years younger. And my brother was one year younger. But I have two other BILs who were 8-10 years older than Mick. Both of them have health issues but are still going strong. I'm also the only one among my friends who lost a spouse. For all of these couples, their lives have carried on like nothing happened. Whereas my life was turned upside down, inside out and sideways. I'm so thankful that I found love and happiness again with MrDrew, but my life was reinvented in the process. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. There are elements of my life that are better than before. But merging two families comes with many complications. There are other people to consider. When I married again, I took on a step-daughter, and a dog in our household, plus the shared responsibility for the physically and mentally handicapped daughter of my husband's first wife. He feels a strong desire to continue his caretaking of her, which involves a weekly visit to spend the day with her. It's not a bad thing; but it is a time commitment. I've got so much in my life to be thankful for. I have someone wonderful to share my life with now. He loves me like crazy! He now has a job in the same state (hurray) so he can be home with me every night. His daughter is a kind, intelligent young lady, who is fun to be with. Like any adolescent, she presents her own set of challenges (mood-swings, laziness, and sloppiness top the list) but for the most part, she is a loving daughter, and a good student who keeps out of trouble. So what is it exactly I'm jealous of? When I hear about my twin sister's plans to get together with my brother and his wife (they live in the same town), I find myself wishing I was there too, doing those same things with them. I can't help but be envious when they all make plans to go on a trip together and I don't get invited to go too. Or if they go up to my brother's vacation house together to spend a holiday there, and again I'm not included. I realize I can't always expect to do everything that everyone else is doing, but dammit, I would at least like the option to participate if I choose to. Back in the before time, it was always me and Mick doing stuff with my twin and her hubby. We were the ideal foursome. The men got along great from Day 1. We went on countless trips together -- to Myrtle Beach a number of times, to Niagara Falls, to Ohio to Puerto Rico, to the Cape... It was always Us and Them. Now it's Them and my brother and SIL. I realize that, in a smaller way, their lives were altered too when Mick died. My BIL lost his best friend. My twin had the triple grief of feeling the loss for herself, for me and for her spouse. We all mourned the loss in our own ways. When I became involved in a new relationship, it took me away on the weekends quite a bit. That was a choice I made. He lived in another state and it was far easier for me to travel to him than vice versa, because of his daughter and visitation with his step-daughter. But in doing so, I opened the door for my twin and her husband to become closer to my brother and his wife. Now they are thick as thieves and I'm the odd man out. It hurts. But I haven't a clue what to do about it. I'm still sorting through these feelings. It's not right of me to deny them the same thing I asked for myself -- the right to choose how to get on with my life. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it too Either way, thanks for listening, and if you have any insights that might help me with this jealousy thing, by all means chime in and share. This group has always been the best place to vent such things... Donna

Words are so hard to craft at moments like this, when the breath just seems to catch in our throats. Just say that John was loved, SO very much, first by Cheryl, and then, by you. And in the few short years you had together, you created a beautiful life together and experienced so much together--from the trips you took to the quiet times spent at home, just the two of you sharing your most intimate thoughts and dreams! You two lived more fully than many people who are together for their entire lives. You made every moment count. You filled his last years with so much joy. And you will miss him, and love him for the remainder of your time here on Earth. John was a lucky man. To have been loved so well and so fully. It is truly tragic that his life had to be cut short when he had so much still to do. HUGS sweetie, Love you! Donna

Hey - today's the day, right?? Please let us know how things went! Break a leg! Donna

Sorry - we need to postpone this, as a conflict just came up Stay tuned...