DonnaP

Hi L! I am chiming in late, but want to add my words to the others. Please don't let your MIL bring you down. It is awful that she chose to do what she did, and I can only say that people should think a little more before putting their voice into words for all to see. I'm struggled myself with wanting to write a letter to my psycho sister-in-law. To tell her how hurtful her actions have been. And also to my MIL, who hasn't done anything outwardly, but is too much controlled by her daughter (psycho SIL) to be her own person. In the end, I decided to just let them all go. Having them in my life has only brought more pain and unhappiness. It is really ashame. Because I am the kind of daughter in law who would have gone out of her way to help my MIL, take her shopping or to a doctor's appointment. Now, I'm out of the loop and don't even call her anymore. It makes me sad. Hang in there, sweetie. It's not you. It's them! Donna

The green monster is knocking on my door again... So random, too. Background: Tonight, Andrew and I are attending a fund-raiser dinner-dance, organized by one of my other sisters and her husband. All of my siblings and their spouses are going. So, this morning, I called my twin to see what her plan was for getting there. I had assumed she'd be going home after work, changing and driving up with her husband... maybe car pooling with my brother's wife, since my brother works up in Hartford and it is way out of the way for him to go home first. Instead... my twin got a ride to work with my brother. He is picking her up after work and the two of THEM are driving together to the event. I can't really explain why this bothers me so much. It just does. I live in the same town that she works in, but obviously I could not have dropped her off at her office. For THAT ride, she did indeed need my brother. BUT, I certainly could have picked her up later and she could have gone to the event with me and Andrew. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? Why, why WHY does this bother me so much? I'm still close with my twin. We do stuff together all the time. But for all the times she and I get together, there are two more times that she and her husband get together with my brother and his wife... Sigh. I don't really know what to do about this dilemma -- if anything. Just needed to vent a bit... thanks for listening.

It's fun, isn't it? CONGRATS!! And best wishes for all the happiness you both deserve <3

LOVE IT !!

We can probably make that work. Where?

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I think it's the "let it go" part that we all have difficulty with. <3 Donna

Donswife, Sorry I did not see this when you originally posted. I am not on the board as much as I once was. That being said, I totally understand where you are coming from... being over five years out, I still get torn up around certain dates (his birthday, our anniversary, etc.). It's understandable and you should not criticize yourself for feeling the way you feel. I have come to realize that tears are cleansing. We need to let them come. They are exhausting too, so give yourself a break and rest as needed. The emotional turmoil this takes on our lives is huge. Some days we have more strength than others. HUGS to you today! DonnaP

Ok - I goofed. The weekend of Oct. 23-25, we will be at Mount Snow in Dover, VT. BUT, that does not preclude a BAGO on Sunday, Oct. 25. It just would be very difficult for us to get to Portsmouth, NH ... Here is what I propose ... If enough people are free on Sunday, Oct. 25, perhaps we could meet in Brattleboro, VT... or someplace closer to Dover. Reply back with your proximity ... OR, if the Portsmouth idea is better for everyone, howabout Oct. 11??

I think MrDrew and I can make this... I will discuss with him tonight and confirm. NYC is fairly easy for us to get to. My son (25 y.o.) lives in the upper east side. So we like to drive in and see him whenever we can. If we BAGO'd at 1, that would still allow us to see him for a brief visit later in the afternoon, before heading back to Connecticut. What did you have in mind? In my mind, the only prerequisite for a BAGO are that the venue be conducive to visiting... Keep us posted... DonnaP and MrDrew

I gotta get back in a purging groove. :

Mark, This was one of the hardest things to deal with. Even now, more than five years later, there are still things of Mick's all around the house. I finally finished going through his closet, just before Andrew moved in, simply because it was not fair to Andrew not to have closet and dresser space, just because I could not find the strength to go through the remaining clothes. I have saved several boxes of Mick's things, but keep whittling away at them as my mood (and time) allows. I've painted several rooms in the house and made them more my own, but I never really wanted or intended to "erase" him from the house. I fully expect at some point, I will need to downsize the house and then much more of Mick's "stuff" will simply go to goodwill or be tossed. Good rule of thumb. Put any special items you think you might want to keep in a plastic box in the attic or basement and if you have not missed or or thought of retrieving it in a year's time, then toss it! Good luck! Donna

Interesting conversation... I have several things from Mick's funeral. One, a handmade "prayer blanket," has been sitting on a shelf in my closet for some time. It seems very wrong to just throw it away. Even giving it to Goodwill seems inappropriate. I was thinking to give it to someone who recently lost a loved one. I do like re-purposing things. But it takes more time, thought and effort sometimes...

The first two weekends in September wouldn't have worked for us -- we had a 50th bday bash and another family wedding (this time in DC). This seems to be the year of weddings! Here are the dates that would work for us: Sept. 20, Oct. 11, Oct. 25 (Sundays) are our first choice. We could most likely make one of the following Saturdays if it was later in the day (say 3 p.m. start or later): Sept. 26, Oct. 10, Oct. 17

The day got better once I got home and started dinner. My now husband, MrDrew, was home by about 6, so we spent the rest of the day just having a quiet evening together. It was nice

Has anyone found good deals on flights overseas? I want to plan a trip to Italy and am looking for the best price airfares...

Hi Helen, I'm so sorry you had a bad experience and that it soured you a bit on BAGOs in general. I wish you would come to one of our BAGOs--they are nothing but supportive. In fact, I was fearful when I went to my first BAGO at a winery here in Connecticut. There were so many nice people there, however, I quickly felt at ease. I met my now husband, MrDrew through YWBB, but not at a BAGO. We had connected online and started up a dialogue, that led to meeting in person, and the rest went from there. It was not planned as a social thing. Initially, we just reached out to each other to offer support--like so many of the members of this group do. But, we found that talking to each other was a bright spot in an otherwise dark and dismal day. Once we were together, we attended a number of BAGOs as a couple. And we have organized a few too. We enjoy the interaction with wonderful people, who are all hurting, like us. The group you met up with seems to have forgotten its primary purpose. Don't give up on the whole BAGO concept, though. There are a lot of good people out there, waiting to offer their support. HUGS, DonnaP

Tossed some old makeup products this morning.

Thanks, Mizpah! We usually do dinner too. Me and my sons, the golf gang. We got together yesterday instead -- and played a memorial round of golf then had lunch and toasted Mick, told stories, etc. It was nice. But I'm still feeling the emptiness today...

He should have been 56 today. Instead, he is not here. I have been thinking about him all day. Thinking that there will be no birthday cake. No candles. No special dinner for him. No hugs. No presents. Nothing. Just an empty space in my heart where he should be.

I've been using my morning time to do some gardening (weeding mostly) ... I don't feel I get the same kind of workout, but it's something...

I'm reading a book right now called "Stepmonster." It was recommended to me. I just started it, but it seems to have some good insights. I'll let you know what I think once I finish it

I suspect you are correct, MG. Having raised two boys, I am not all that familiar with the issues that come with parenting girls. It's challenging, under the best of circumstances. Add in the fact that my SD lost her mother at the age of 15, and we've got an entirely new and unique set of emotional baggage. I guess I need to be happy with the small victories we have won. Like the fact that SD doesn't act as if I'm going to take her Dad away anymore. I think she finally gets the fact that I'm here to stay, but her Dad isn't going to abandon her either. I've been trying to encourage some Daddy-daughter time for the two of them. Funny thing is, when I try to step out of the scene for a night (and go do something with a girlfriend, for instance), SD often makes other plans and ditches her father anyway Then she will say something like: "but you've been encouraging me to see my friends..." Arrrgh! YES, but not on the one night that I'm not home!

Just curious -- is anyone else in a blending situation where the "ex" is deceased? In other words, who else married a widow/widower with children? The dynamics in this type of situation can be different than that of a divorce, simply because there is no other parent to "butt in" or "help out" as the case may be. And the emotions of the children can be different. In my case, my step-daughter keeps an invisible barrier up, not wanting to get too close for fear that she could get hurt again (my gut assumption). I'd be curious to hear from others in a similar situation... Donna

Reality does indeed suck sometimes, Alexswife! I hear ya!