Mizpah

My first dating experience after DH, I forced myself into. I wasn't ready and knew it, and told the guy. I chose someone who I wasn't interested in and knew I wouldn't have feelings for, but who was very very nice and a good person, and he was going to deploy, so I knew there was an end date. It was safe in all ways, and that's exactly what I needed. It was a good transition for me. I got the courage by choosing this safety option. I got a lot of stuff out of my system that way - my first kiss after DH: I cried and ran down the street. He gave me flowers and I chopped the heads off. After he fell asleep at night, I'd wander outside for hours. I was emotionally avoidant and unavailable. Etc. By the time we were done, I was ready to truly engage with someone I did/could have feelings for, with all the scariness that comes along with that.

I'm at about 4 1/2 years. Before losing DH, I was very ambitious and career-oriented (I'm an attorney). Since he's died, I just don't care. I care enough to get by and do well. But my ambition and interest and attention span and passion for work and desire to shine is just gone. I feel like losing him made me realize what I already knew: the only important thing, when it comes down to it (and it comes down to it!), is love and the people we care about. So I'm here, so I can pay bills and have/provide health insurance, but I just. Don't. Care. Anyone else the same? Or the opposite?

My in-laws were amazing, way before I ever met anyone, about me finding someone. They were ready way before I was. At about three months out, they had "a talk" with me where they told me they want someone to take care of me when I'm sick, and they want to dance at my wedding. I became hysterical, and ended up sitting on the floor, sobbing, with my head on my MIL's knee. So it's different - they broached the subject. I had to tell them, though, that I was pregnant and moving hundreds of miles away and was terrified, but they were surprisingly extremely supportive. My only advice, as someone who took things WAY too fast (with a widower) - take the time to truly get to know this person fully, to see their "true colors" under all kinds of circumstances, including stress, including arguments/discussions. I was bowled over by the fact that I had feelings for someone again, and had never expected to. Being infatuated and in love can create attachment before it's been vetted by your best interests. Is it possible to find some balance between allowing yourself excitement and good feelings, and being cautious? I don't know. It doesn't seem to be, for me. I hope it is for others. I'm excited for you!

I don't know what the original post said, but I can infer what you were saying. I'm always so happy when the first fight is done and resolved. It's hellish though, and the fight hangover sucks. Whatever the details are, wishing you the best! xo

I think there should be a delete post option. Emptied posts are just like when someone tells you there's something they can't tell you - itchy in the brain. Dislike!

There are so many people who think of themselves as better partners in their post-death relationships. I am, unfortunately, not one of them. I think part of it is the current relationship itself, and a lot of it is how extraordinary my relationship with DH was, but I think much of it is a character flaw that is brought out now. I am extremely impatient. I want everything to be perfect. I am easily hurt. I take things personally. I hang on to things. Lovely, right? I don't know the answer. I'm working on it myself.

I'm so sorry. I too had a sudden loss. I was too shocked to even dread the funeral - I was a zombie on auto pilot, shuffling along. I don't think people have very high expectations for you right now so don't worry about "facing" anyone, just survive the day. Your life right now is mourning and grieving. It's painful and nearly unbearable. You will lose friends. You will give up hope at times. You will be very lonely. The loss is permanent but the rawness of the pain is not, though it can be very long-term. Just know that we're all with you in spirit, have been where you are, have felt the feelings you're feeling and thought the things you're thinking. You're not alone. I hope the love you shared will give you some solidity inside in your darkest moments. Thinking of you.

Shimon. Shimon to me and his family. Or Shimony. Simon to all others. Puppy, Baby Bear, Baby Boy (though he was 6'2" and manly), and a thousand other names.

I'm sorry. This sounds so painful. First of all, I think multiple adults in a household is automatically difficult. And then there are so many intense, emotional things going on: widowhood, newly disabled, new marriage, new baby/motherhood. Does the state or federal gov't subsidize or provide assistance based on your disability? Perhaps it would be better to have her close but not cohabitating. It is your home. I say often to my boyfriend's son: "Whose house is this? Who's in charge around here?" "Daddy." I'm really sorry you have to deal with all of this. It's so much.

I saw this too, and loved so much about it, but among all the great things in it, I loved this quote the best. It's so obvious, and we all say it in so many ways, but he really put it in a way I liked: "Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."

Congrats! Yay! I love this. So happy for you.

I'm so sorry that the darkness descended on you, but I'm glad you let yourself do what you needed to do for a day, despite its effects on others. I think you're of more use to them in the main when, in those extreme times, you be genuine and authentic. 15 months, in my opinion, isn't *that* far out (at 15 months, a man who wasn't DH kissed me for the first time post-loss and I sprinted, sobbing, down the street! Crazy behavior!), and parent loss... I can't even imagine a world in which my parents don't exist. Sometimes you just need a day. I'm thinking of you and hoping that the painful fog dissipates a bit.

Inconceivable is exactly what it is - you know it happened and yet how can it be? It is unbearable. I hope the love of those years will shine the light you need in your darkest moments. It's just so hard. Anything I can say is an understatement to the enormity of the devastation and sadness that we all understand. I'm so sorry. Take care of you as best you. I'm wishing you moments of peace.

This horribly painful experience is full of so many contradictory feelings. It's enough to make you feel crazy, on top of all the raw, intense, unbearable pain. You're not crazy, though, in case you're wondering. I think we all understand exactly what you are going through inside. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. I'm thinking of you.

Oh love, my heart breaks for you. My widow friends IRL, on each other's birthdays, instead of saying "happy birthday," would say "Birthday." How could it be happy? In theory only, where they can't live, so we must live doubly for them and love life twice as much for them. But in the beginning, that just hurts, and the longing just hurts. I'm sorry he couldn't take you and that he's not here. I'm thinking of you. Birthday, hon. We know. Sending love.

It is unbearable but we somehow somehow bear it. I'm so sorry for your loss and the intense beyond-words pain. We all know your feelings and are with you in spirit. I too had extraordinary love with an extraordinary individual, and I knew from the beginning I was so lucky and always would be, even though he died. I hope that the love you shared will bring you light and comfort rather than the opposite, as time goes forward. For now, just survive (and don't give yourself a drug problem!). Thinking of you. Wishing you moments of solace.

I'm sorry your quiet moment of reflection was hijacked by distraction. I'm at 4 1/2 years, and I completely agree: 4 years seems like a lifetime ago. Thinking of you.

I love everything about this (including your playboy neighbor - is that bad?)!

This exactly. I had to move at five months, and so establishing a new routine happened around then, but I think it would have happened around that time anyway, even if to a lesser degree. A "new normal," albeit totally abnormal, becomes your day-to-day and starts to feel a bit more comfortable and you feel a bit less raw. I'm sure the meds probably have something to do with it too. It's different for everyone, I'm sure, but months 9-12 were really hard for me, probably because of the whole year anniversary anticipation (the anticipation was worse, as I'm sure you can guess).

It is the worst despair and darkness I've ever experienced. Keep breathing as well as you can. Take it minute by minute, second by second. We are with you.

I love this project. I love this list. Just making it and identifying these things is a big step toward happiness in itself I think. Go you!!!

Wow. You're me. Except for a bunch of differences. So first: I'm so sorry. Relationship strain is so painful. The disappointment is so painful. The wondering if it's past the point of repair is so painful. I'll tell you my story just so you know you're not crazy/the only one. I lived in the City (UES) for over a decade. I'm from upstate (PM me!). I never felt I belonged in the little town in which I grew up, always wanted out. I was living my urban dream. Then DH was gone. A year and a half later, the man renovating my mom's apartment (upstate) lost his fiancee. I reached out to him to pay forward the support I'd gotten. We texted a bunch, platonic grief buddy stuff. A few months later, we met and there was instant chemistry. It's funny, because I'd just been thinking I wanted a big life change. I didn't anticipate that within a few months, we'd be serious, I'd be pregnant, I'd be looking for a job upstate, and planning my move to his house outside a super-rural town. We were awesome at long distance. We were so mutually supportive. We communicated great. We had passion and lust and chemistry. Then I moved. It was intense. I was homesick. I felt out of place. I was lonely. He wondered where the exciting, strong, independent woman had gone. The more he withdrew, the sadder and more disappointed I got, and the angrier and more regretful he got, and it was an ugly cycle. The closeness we had was replaced by discord, differences, disagreements, anger, fought constantly - we became enemies rather than allies. Definitely financial trouble as well. We are extremely different from each other in important and non-important ways, and our lost loves were PERFECT for each of us. There was a lot of comparing (he out loud, me silently in my head). The fighting and being at odds really took its toll - we both default to defensiveness and it became almost impossible to have fun together. If we didn't have the baby, I would have left long ago. But I'm glad I didn't, and truly love him, and really hope things can work out. There have definitely been huge improvements, and I have hope. It's so hard to know what to do. It seemed to me I was left with only bad options, and it sounds like you feel the same way - leave him and it sounds like there's a lot you like about it, or stay and who knows if there can be healing from the damage. Have you gone to therapy at all? Want my lady on the UES? Did you move into his place? It's so hard to enter someone else's home/life. It's so so so hard to change patterns of behavior and thought, but I think it can be done, if you can/want to make the effort, if it's not too late. There are so many difficult challenges you're facing. And the emotional toll of all the fighting puts it in this atmosphere that is so damaging. Come deep north and hang out with me! No one knows what to do but you, and maybe not even you. I'm going to go to a new therapist. Maybe you should. I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish someone could have told me what to do. I never realized how complicated things could be. I'm sorry - I'm not helpful. But I have tons of empathy and am so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish there was something I could do.

You're not pathetic. You're facing really difficult stuff. I hope that you find some comfort today. Check in and let us know how you are.

I'm very much in the "F positivity!" camp. I'm very into honesty and emotional honesty. I will say this, though - in the past few years I've faced two very distinct kinds of challenges: widowhood (obviously!) and being in a difficult relationship. I think positivity in a situation in which you do not have control or the power to change it (widowhood, obviously) is not for me (I was going to say idiotic, but I actually admire people who face things with aplomb - it's just really really not me at all and wouldn't benefit me because it would be so counter to who I am). Really, I think healing requires (for me at least) facing despair, and NOT in forcing myself to be "strong" or "graceful" - I think I ended up stronger and more graceful because I let myself delve deep into the dark despair. But in the context of a situation in which you DO have an active role to play, in which your outlook CAN change things for the better, I think positivity may be a good approach. And I say this because I haven't been that way for much of my difficult relationship, and when I *am* positive, it makes things SOOO much better.

My situation is very different, but I think the feelings in essence are the same kinda thing. I grew up in a rural area, knowing from a very very very early age I did not belong and didn't want to be there. I went to college in Boston and then moved to NYC where I went to law school and started my career (and met and lost DH). I was away from "home" for almost 20 years when I met a man from my general hometown area and we got involved and then became pregnant. I wanted a big change, and moved "home" to be with him and raise our daughter together (he has a son and isn't mobile and hates the City and wouldn't ever move there - would barely visit). So I'm living in a very rural area and do not belong. I put "home" in quotes because while I might be from here, I consider NYC my soul's home, my real home, and the place I lived longest by choice. It is so hard to be in a place where you don't want to be and where you don't feel you fit in. I have reasons to be here that make it worth it (raising my daughter with her father, giving her an outdoorsy growing-up, being with him), but for ME (rather than my situation), it's lonely, hard and not comfortable. If I had freedom, I would leave. I gladly give up the freedom for her and for our family, but only for that. If, Gd forbid, I lost her father, I would not stay.