IfIonlycould

If your best friend told you this was going on in her marriage what would you tell her to do? ((((((HUGS))))) and support from all of us here.

MS-Sorry to hear you are going through this....you know if it feels right..and if it doesn't...it is hard to do and can make one feel the loss of their spouse all over again...sending HUGS.

I'm doing better....I took off on Sunday and went driving out to the water...spent some time at the beach...beautiful sunny spring day...cleared my head...thinking about goals for the future but also kept myself in the now. Thanks again.

Questions- LOL... "I Can"...So no extreme yard make over for me? well unfortunately I haven't found the money tree in the backyard so I will just have to use you only for inspiration by reading your accomplishments! Virgo-Good job! You are getting it done! My goals for next few days: Work "old job" 10 hour days Mon/(done!)/ Weds/ Fri Work for one client Tues. am and another Tues pm Make phone calls and finish some paperwork for another client. Find and buy the perfect birthday gift for a party on Sunday. Come back here and post for goals for thursday (My day off).

I have been wondering what the outcome was...and it sounds like it all worked out the way it should in the end...how wonderful to get full time benefits for part time work...and now have the time to spend with your children while still keeping yourself relevant in your field...Congrats!

Shoot! You were so looking forward to getting back out there! I'm sorry this happened-how frustrating!

Virgo-Wow! Bathroom project almost done! And yes I too would love it if Questions would come stay with me for a week and do an extreme yard makeover! That will be my posting all summer for goals, the exterior work, this house that I have gutted and remodeled still needs the exterior completely done, I am the ugly duckling on the street. Today I am finishing laundry (yes BF was able to fix dryer and what a help that was as he normally stays out of all of my remodeling projects over the past few years but will jump in when a fix it is needed if he knows how to do it). Then after laundry: Today: Beautiful SUNNY spring day with a hint of the summer to come (finally) so I am headed out for a drive alone, first hit the opening day of a weekly farm/flea market north of here and then keep driving to one of my favorite small summer "resort" towns to see what's happening there and walk the beach...I need a ME day to get away from stuff that has been weighing me down and recharge.

Mancino-Way to go girlfriend! Like the idea of donating anything not worn this winter...makes sense! Mokie-You are on a ROLL! I'm ashamed to admit I just went threw the stuff on the fridge doors...I keep the main shelves cleaned every week...but the side shelves!!! Outdated dressings, mustards, sauces ...threw out at least 12 jars (yes I recycled) Now I'm adding to my chores list looking at dates on those once a month and not being tempted in the store anymore!

Questions...love the story! Invariably my "shortcuts" end up the same way yours did! Decided I better get on here and make a commitment to getting stuff done today...with the way I'm feeling I could see heading down the rabbithole and looking up at 8:00 tonight wondering where the day went...and this is why I like this thread so much, because like AC has said (and I paraphrase) this thread works best when I'm at my worst! Today: Shower Vacuum house Steam mop floors Clean bathrooms Dust Wipe down the front of kitchen cupboards File papers Hopefully BF will be able to fix dryer...we realized it wasn't heating yesterday and began the troubleshooting process...bought 2 possible parts and replaced..not those..store closed...new day so he is now out getting what he now knows will be the part to fix it. Do laundry when dryer gets fixed. Pay bills and take the ones I still mail to post office Well hopefully getting stuff done will help my frame of mind! A few hours later I am "editing" my post to say: I have finished with all of the house cleaning....opening windows to let all of the fresh spring air in and making mental notes of unfinished projects in each room (I purchased, completely gutted and remodeled this house last year doing much of the work myself but there are still little nagging projects in almost every room to be finished!) I'm going to jump in the shower, write up the bills, file the papers and head out to drop at post office, later I need to work on a client project for only about an hour...and then call it a successful day. Oh and BF came back with dryer part but got called out before he could install should be back in a few hours and hopefully I will have a working dryer or it's off to the laundromat.

I want to thank you all again...I think this will just be a year of pushing through to get to the other side...there are big issues being faced right now that will take time... I'm going to whine now....dryer decided to quit heating.....doing all the proper troubleshooting...appliance supply store now closed...start trying to fix again in the morning....it's these little things that pile themselves on the big things and make me just want to crawl back in bed.... (what I really want to do is go to a beach somewhere by myself for a week and forget my life)

Thank you all...deeply grateful to know there is somewhere I can come to and vent. What is going on will take time, persistence and alot of effort to get to the other side. Thank you all for letting me get it out....for listening and offering advice and support....deeply appreciated.

I hate that as kind and wonderful and supportive as you all are I have a reason to know you. ( but my God am I grateful I do)

Even if you want to lie to me...that it will get better. I am having a REALLY bad day. There is stuff going on in my life right now that would not be happening if he were still alive. Serious, hard to deal with stuff. I have one friend IRL I am confiding in, otherwise I put on the face and keep plodding forward, talking about it is not going to fix it, it is all stuff that I hope can be fixed in time. I know I have been through what was considered the worst event of my life with his death, yes it was the worst, but I was numb and in shock for a good year and a half which laid a protective coating around me to keep me from totally losing it, I think I really wasn't even aware of what was happening. I am rebuilding, it has been crazy and difficult, no social security (people IRL are always shocked by this they assume even without kids the govt is sending me a big fat monthly allowance), no life insurance. It has been a struggle emotionally, financially and physically due to a chronic disease I was diagnosed with before DH died. I'm tired, just tired.... I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just want to know that things can and will get better, somedays it all just sucks so very much. Thanks for always being here for me wids.

MS-Glad to hear it was ok...you went...now there will be no fallout and you can spend the rest of your evening relaxing (or finding something to throw out and posting in minimalist challenge!) Take Care!

Good job AW not easy but you did it!

Bear sending (((HUGS))) try to get outside today...head to the water and try to find some peace....I'm sorry you are going through this...

Actually sometimes I feel like the hamster was put in a maze....

Don't know if you're looking for advice or agreement...so I'll give both! Agreed on hating holidays...I really cannot stand the sense of obligation and expectations that come with them... Advice...since it's at a restaraunt hopefully they cannot drag it out the usual length...round trip drive 2.5 hours...stay for 1 hour and then excuse yourself since Dog cannot be left alone much longer than that...or do not go at all, order yummy carryout and have a "you" day (this of course will come with consequences as you know so be prepared!) I don't know how you change it either, other than to change the way you look at it because I get the feeling you will not get the respect from them you are hoping for....sorry you are going through this MS...it is yet another reminder of how our DH's played such a role... Whatever you choose I'm sending support! ((((HUGS)))

His stuff went away slowly and in stages...I gave away much of the clothing to his family members, some trinkets that would have meaning to them as well....other stuff I packed away in boxes....each year I seem to have let go of the stuff in those boxes a little at a time...given away, donated....I have kept all of his tools and use them...I do reno work...I still have a plastic memory bin of HIS stuff...not ours...but his memory bin that he was keeping...I haven't gone through since just after his death...I'm thinking this year I will and let go of much of it...I am in the process of simplifying and letting go of much of my stuff I guess I feel it is time to let go of his too. I live with someone now...I'm not sure if he realizes what is even still here of my DH's but I know he doesn't care...I still call them DH's tools to BF, he's fine with that...I guess it is whatever works for you and your new husband...maybe you just place the stuff where you want it and as long as neither of you seems bothered you live with it that way or as someone suggested you talk it over....You will each know when and if to let go of the stuff.... I know I had MANY MANY posts the first few years on the YWBB about stuff....I probably drove people nuts....but this whole topic of stuff can be very difficult for some of us...so for now if leaving it at dad's house is an option until you figure out what to do next go right ahead...when you are ready you will take care of it.

This is something DH and I did many nights before bed, we would each write three good things in a notebook. When I came across that notebook early on I read it and it was a punch in the gut, a cruel reminder to all I had lost. I had a VERY hard time practicing gratitude the first few years, I really did, that's just me being honest. Yes there were things to be grateful for but I just couldn't get far enough out of my grief to feel gratitude for ANYTHING. That was how deep in the hole my mind was.... Now I practice gratitude, I give thanks, sometimes for very small things, sometimes large but I find the act of stating gratitude helps me to heal. I am back to writing three good things again, sometimes in the notebook, sometimes I did it on YWBB, I think I will start to do it here as well. Again though, I honestly could not feel it the first couple of years.

Questions...as someone who is pretty active in the goals section...I say sure...post your accomplishments there if you would like...after all at some point they started as a goal...just one you maybe hadn't stated on the board....I for one like to check in and post in the goals section because seeing fellow wids accomplish their goals motivates me to move forward with my own...and I do use it as a cheering section both for me being the one to cheer as well as the one accepting the cheers....so GO QUESTIONS GO!!!

I have nothing to offer but ((((HUGS)))) and that you are being thought of .....

Go MS Go! OK I cheated...BF took car to wash it....But I cleared the workbench, took porkchops and meatloaf out of freezer for next 2 nights, emptied dishwasher, hung up laundry, threw in a new load...now headed out to do some fun stuff! For the next 3 days: Mon and Weds 12 hour days at "old job" Make 2 phone calls for client tomorrow (on the sly). Prep stuff for client meeting tuesday. Client work on tuesday. Eat healthy, keep house straightened and get sleep.

Up and moving... Today... Wash car, Figure out and fix dinner for tonight and prep dinner for tomorrow, Clear off workbench in garage that has become the landing zone for things this winter. I'm glad we have this thread up and moving again...keep it up wids!

Well you said you thought the dead horse was thouroughly beat...but I want to add...I read this entire thread...I was a bit reticent to join this new board in case it was just going to be a cheerleaders group where I, at six and a half years would scare the newbies with the effects of widowhood this far out... Fleur you said.."And finally, how can we post about anything that is meaningful to us that might be potentially disturbing to people less far out? To the people that are wondering oh my ? if they are still feeling like this at X years out, its either: 1) What is wrong with them, or 2) Is that all I have to look forward to? " Well I did place a post...here in Beyond Active Grieving...because this is where it belongs...not in the general section...but where the people reading it understand it is for those who are BAG...like AG I do not post in the newly widowed ever it IS their club and one I am thankful to no longer be a part of....but sometimes I need a place to put into words how this widowhood thing is going for me...and well, it ain't always pretty...and I was having one of those days where it comes to the surface....and I decided to post honestly and openly about how I was feeling....and quite frankly I thought...If I don't get a response or get a bunch of cheerleading responses (not that those are not called for AT TIMES) I probably will reserve my posting to just the Goals and Minimalist Challenge in the general section...but I did get responses...genuine, honest responses and it made me realize this board for me still has a deeper purpose...so I for one am staying and I truly hope all of you do too.