IfIonlycould

Today I got up with the sun, made some coffee and suddenly decided to do a sweep of my closets. Now if any of you remember or cared to read my (I'm quite sure boring) and seemingly endless posts on getting rid of stuff on the YWBB you'll know that I went from a prewidow on the ball gal to a widowed unorganized mess. I had an issue getting rid of ANYTHING, his, mine and ours. I remember posting I did not want to throw out or donate not only his clothes but MY clothes as well. Why? Because I was afraid that someday I would have a closet of clothes that he did not recognize. I was afraid to sell our very large and money/time consuming house for fear he would not know where to find me when he "came back", and it took a year to sell his truck because what would he drive? This went on and on...then slowly I gave stuff of his to family members/charity. I sold the house and moved (and have moved 4 times since he passed buying, fixing, selling). I purged through bins, donating, setting aside to sell or just plain throwing out. It has been difficult at times to say the least, closing up a 42 year olds life while transforming my own. I cannot believe how far I have come to the gal who went to live with her brother for 8 months because I could not bear to be alone in that big house. To the gal who posted endlessly about how painful it was to get rid of/deal with stuff. To the widow who could not eat, listen to music or read a book. I now cook again, enjoy music and love going to the library (old fashioned I know). I enjoy my alone time again, as a matter of fact it is something I need. And I got up this morning and went through my closets and purged a bunch of clothes without a thought. I am almost back to being the organized person I was once. I am so grateful for having a forum where I have been able to work through all of these things and the support of a community like this to bounce around all of this crazy widow stuff.

I'll be watching for you in "Goals" !

We had been friends since before I even met DH but just friends nothing had ever happened. After DH died he would stop by to help with outside home care. This went on for a good year, one day my brother was there and he said "that _____ sure is a nice guy" and I replied "Yea, dangerously nice"...I guess I knew I was starting to have some feelings...up to that point the thought of another man...well, there was no thought ...I just could not have imagined it, yet here I was looking at ____ in that way. Oops...you also asked if I felt guilty...while I was surprised that I found myself feeling that way about another man I did not feel guilt....Our wedding vows said "Until death do us part" we were both very faithful to that, I NEVER broke my vow, so I did not feel guilt.

Trying- keep up the good work too! I got all of my stuff done thursday plus got the oil changed and washed the car, put switch plate covers on where I had replaced outlets/switches and did some plaster patching. Today I was at a clients until 2:00 then went for my yearly womans check and mammogram. Tomorrow I need to: pick up a gift card for a wedding celebration dinner (they got married at the justice of the peace) go to my post office box pick up a few things at Trader Joes take back a sweater sand down where I patched plaster and apply another coat if needed clean the interior of my car and get gas keep plowing away at laundry (almost caught up)

Seems like so many of us have issues with cleaning, bill paying and organization. I too prewidowhood was one of those whose house was always in order. My pantry was right out of the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" and my closet was color coordinated. I had a schedule for daily chores, weekly chores, monthly chores and yearly chores. That all flew out the window. I'm not sure if my brain got fried or if it is because as a result of his death I have moved 4 times since he died fixing up 3 houses (actually completely gutting 2), have started jobs, quit jobs, faced long commutes.....and I just didn't have it in me....(but I have been able to go to other peoples homes and assist them in organizing, purging, moving, etc. without an issue!) Well it is coming back...this past fall and into this year I have made tremendous strides in purging, getting organized and establishing a regular schedule again. And it feels good, I find the more I stick at it the easier it becomes and I feel like me again. (The thread on goals has been incredibly helpful to me.)

((((((((BEYOND))))))) sending big huge hugs sister wid....I did not watch the show so I don't know what happened but can piece it together from what I am reading here...... Just sending you love...

Neverthesame-Some members of my immediate family did this....once I recoupled it was as though in their books I was "normal" again, made me feel like they didn't really love my husband...they seemed comfortable to insert "Boy B" into "Slot A" and keep it rolling as though nothing had ever happened. Sad. I think it makes them feel like I must be all better now which allows them to move along in their lives without the messiness of my widowhood. I have learned their limitations and act accordingly, makes my life easier, I have learned who I can be real around.

Mac -Changes, changes, changes....and yes time and experience do make a difference in this journey, three years crawls by in the blink of the eye, do you know what I mean? I too am so glad we all have one another, I have often said I hate that I had to meet you all but so grateful I did.

Well I thought I had the day off today (with one hour I needed to spend on client work) but....client asked me to go take care of an insurance problem today so I need to get moving if I want to get everything accomplished! I made a slew of doctors appointments yesterday and have everything lined up for the next month and half to take care of woman's health, internist, dermatologist and my specialist...whew! So now today I need to: Clean house (vac, steam mop, bathrooms) Clean out fridge Work on getting laundry caught up Go to insurance agent for client and about an hour of paperwork for client File and get paperwork caught up for my business Grocery and get dinner together Getting going and will come back to check in and post what I need/want to accomplish the next few days.....I'm one of those that is able to do for others incredibly well but gets bogged down with my day to day life (a result of widowhead)...having this post really helps to keep me focused and is helping me get my head back on track to the person I used to be in this aspect.

I could have written Baylee's post word for word....it was ABSOLUTELY everything I felt/still feel at times. And OSAAT I am not surprised that the death of your dog has brought not just the mourning of your beloved pet but the grieving of your husband. Every death I have experienced since DH's passing has brought it back to the surface. I have come to realize that and now recognize and acknowledge it but the first time it happened it sent me into a double tailspin.

Many IRL don't understand that as widowed folk some of us still want our anniversaries acknowledged, for us it was the happiest (or one of) days of our lives and nothing can take that away. Happy Anniversary RIFOF, I too have seen the wedding pictures you posted and it looks like it was a magical day.

Suduko and jigsaw puzzles...calming for me.

The worst thing we as have to face when we share our life with our furry babies...I am so sorry...sending (((((HUGS))))

After he first died if I got scared at the thought of being in the house alone at night I reminded myself that: 1) He slept like a log and someone breaking in would never wake him. and 2) He worked many 24 and 48 hour shifts. So I was used to not having him for protection! OK seriously....I second the idea of motion lights, although deer setting them off sent me into a tailspin once. Make sure if you have glass doors/sidelights that you have keyed deadbolts on the inside of the house not just the twist deadbolt so someone can't smash glass and twist it open. Make friends with elderly neighbors...this has never failed me...I pay the price of them watching my goings on a bit but I'll tell you there is nothing like it when you have a bored gal next door to sound the alarms if she sees anything unusual! I second Questions on the pole in the sliding door trick (or they make locks for the bottom as well) I know how easy it is to "break in" to a sliding glass door! And one my brother taught me, but may not work at all houses, if someone knocks on the front door answer at the side door by sticking your head out and yelling can I help you?, works the same way if they knock at side door, answer at front and peek around and ask what they need. Gives you a chance to see whats up without opening the door directly to them.(or just don't answer the door at all!). And never let anyone know it is just you. When I first moved in the house was still in fix up status and salesmen would stop and ask about windows/roof etc...my answer always was "My husband is a contractor and does all of it for us."

My version of chili mac: Take one large pan Saute diced onion and celery Throw in lean ground turkey Sprinkle with taco seasoning and ground cumin When turkey is browned (I don't drain because it is so lean) toss in one large can stewed tomatoes (mash up the tomatoes a bit in the pan) Then add one can chili beans (I use an organic blend) While this simmers I cook up a box or 2 of Annie's organic mac n cheese. When finished serve the chili over the mac n cheese garnished as you wish (we do shredded cheese, sourcream and jalapenos). This dinner can be made in 1/2 hour (even less if you have prediced the onions and celery.

YOU are far from a failure....there is nothing I can say and I want to be able to say something to fix it all....but you are FAR from a failure. I agree with Mizpah you are a superwoman.

Actually it was because of surprises that I fell for him...I'll try to make this quick... I met him just after I had gotten my first house (and the beginning of my buying fixer uppers). We had been dating exclusively about 4-5 months and I was going away to see my mom. I asked him if he would come take care of the cats. Prior to this in passing conversations I must have mentioned how I would like a coat hook at the backdoor, an entertainment center for the TV (it was on an end table) and that I needed to finally get some pictures hung. Well you guessed it, I came home to coat hooks, pictures on the walls and the TV inside an entertainment center (that he brought from his place...must have figured since he was spending all of his time with me...) How could I not fall in love?

I truly get it...we did not have children...2 years after his death I had to put our cat down....4 years after his death I had to put the other one down...it was the end of our four "person" family as I had known it...and then there was one... ((((HUGS)))))

Well a metal roof! I am completely ignorant to those.....but I'd like the sound I think...I used to go out in our lania room in Florida and listen to the rain hit the roof and nap. Good luck...let us know how it turns out!

Up and moving...I have a birthday brunch to attend today. I am hitting a farmers/flea market on the way to the brunch (searching for the perfect bedroom chandelier/fixture). After I would like to try to take a few items back to various stores I have been putting off. Look for and hopefully find a new pair of sneakers. Get through a couple loads of laundry (I had a bin of towels in storage and they now have that plastic smell, plus I have old sheets and dropclothes that need to be washed and stored away for next project). Figure out dinner for the next couple of days. Find one small project and do it, which leads me to new strategy: I began a gut and remodel of this house last year and while all of the big stuff has been done there still remains a ton of small nagging things (that all add up!) and when I look around as a whole it becomes overwhelming...where to begin? So I have decided I will pick one small thing a day that is not on the standard house maintenance/cleaning list and do it...eventually it will all add up!

Nonesuch-When you say by getting a new roof you will never have to roof rake snow again I want to make sure you understand that a new roof itself will not solve the problem of ice dams....ice dams are caused by poor attic ventilation and possibly inadequate insulation levels and/or heat leaking into the attic. Please check out your insulation, make sure it is a proper R value for your climate, if you have heat ducts running through there they need to be sealed at seams, also check to make sure bathroom vents are venting properly to the outdoors. Next have someone evaluate your ventilation (the ratio of soffit venting to ridge or can vents) to make sure it is adequate. Finally, if you do have proper insulation levels make sure that it is not shoved so far into the soffit areas as to cause a blockage (they make baffles to help prevent this). Make sure whoever you hire runs ice shield under the first few runs of shingle from the edge of the roof, where I live 3 feet up is code but my roofers do 6 feet, this will help when the dams start to melt and the water tries to back up under the shingle and get to the deck boards/plywood. Roofs are expensive but done well with quality materials should last 25-35 years. Most of the shingle companies are calling their shingles "lifetime warrantied" now but I don't see how...time will tell. Ask for references and do drive bys to look at the quality of the work, talk to the homeowners....good luck...either it will give you years of wonderfulness or if you move it will be a great selling point...either way it is a good idea.

Trying-that's why I'm back here-really seems to help when I commit to them! and good on you lcoxwell! I got everything done yesterday except getting the fertilizer but I'm headed off to work a 10 hour at the "Old Job" so with the commute making it almost 12 hours I may not get the fertilizer today either. So goal today: Get through the workday. Get fertilizer if hardware store still open.

Questions-Do you have W.O.W. or AT&T where you are at? I have found both to offer excellent customer service and good pricing. Today is day off so: Pick up package for a client (ok a wee bit of work) Clean the kitchen Drive to a very cute shop 30 mins. away to get the birthday gift they are holding Groceries Wash towels and bedding Vacuum house Pick up mail Get "Lawn Restore" fertilizer (this is the year to start the long process of getting the lawn in order, previous owners never raked leaves EVER so lawn is in major disrepair) Fix dinner and prep dinner for tomorrow

I have gotten rid of ALOT of stuff (as those of you who read my endless posts on YWBB remember) and continue to...but the one thing I have not touched...that could still be picked up and carried by him today as if he was leaving the house to head out to a shift is his backpack...gone through but left intact by me...with pens, notebook, wallet, keys, stethoscope, etc.....on an upper shelf in the closet....most of the time forgotten...but still intact....for how much longer? Not sure.

I have nothing to offer but support from miles away.... I was pleased to read WBD's response to your text. (((((HUGS))))