Wheelerswife

I am on this board (and was on YWBB) for so many reasons. I found YWBB when I was just a few weeks out and I went to my first bago just a few weeks later. I cried..but people listened to me and told me their stories. I also laughed...and it felt so good to be with people that had been through their own loss and could still laugh. I have made some really awesome friends on YWBB and on this board and I am in contact with some of them every single day, even though none of my friends live near me. I met my second husband on YWBB. The day he died, I was at a bago, surrounded by other wid brothers and sisters. I can't even find the words to explain what it meant to me to be surrounded that day, that evening, and the next day by widow/widower friends as well as some I had never met before who came to be at my side. Some of those people had driven 3 hours to get to the bago, drove home and came back again the next day. When I was diagnosed with cancer after my second husband died, people on YWBB collaborated to put together a book of supportive messages that was sent to me and is a cherished gift. Several board widows and widowers traveled to my state and had a special weekend bago just for me before I had my first oncology appointment. A board widow and cancer survivor went to my appointment with me. I have met many people from this board and YWBB from all across the US, as well as some in Canada, Australia and Europe. Although I am integrated into the "real world" of people who have not experienced the loss of a spouse, I still hold my widowed friends as most dear. I truly enjoy the connections I have with people who share their stories with me. My widowed friends have been as vulnerable with me as I have been with them. I have cherished widowed friends that I have still not met...but I hope to meet them some day. I could go on...but I will stop now. You get out of this board what you put into it. If reading is enough for you, that is great. But...if you want to truly develop friendships with people who understand, then reach out to someone, most likely someone in your own time frame or with a similar situation. When someone's post resonates with you, let them know. You don't have anything to lose. Hugs, Maureen

riff, I have also been going through mementos of John and putting them in order. I have found a lot of the things he saved from his late wife. It may seem odd, but I love reading the cards he wrote for her and those he received from her - as well as other writings and things he saved long before he met me. It paints a picture of who he was then and how he developed into the person he was in his 50's when I knew him. It may be quite possible that someone in your future will appreciate what you are finding and saving. But some of the crux of your post is the sadness you are feeling with the loss of your dear Fal...and that, my friend, I understand too well. Solidarity... Hugs, Maureen

Who can listen to music when this country is such a mess? When one of a list of things keeps going wrong? When dear people die on us? I try to listen...then shut down. Xoxo Maureen

MissingSquish, It has been awhile, but it makes me happy to read this post. I'm glad you are doing well. I know that things were rocky with your family. I know it probably wasn't easy to repair those relationships. Kudos to you! I'm working on getting myself back east on a permanent basis (okay- what is permanent?) and perhaps then we can get together again. Hugs, Maureen

More hugs from afar...somehow, they seem to temporarily lift the angst a bit. And as far as Kleenex goes...I much prefer Puffs Plus. Maureen

Thinking of you today, Michael. Sending more hugs... Maureen

Hugs, Michael. I don't have much else for you. Maureen

Hi, Katie, I just wanted to gently let you know that there is no prize for holding yourself together. Curl up in a ball and cry for your Mommy if you want to! It is just as okay to show your weakness as it is to show your strength. I will practically guarantee you that if you have a bit of a meltdown, you will find that you will stop crying, wipe your face, blow your nose, and then take care of whatever has to be done. Your feelings are valid. You don't have to keep them all in. Hugs to you, Maureen

It sounds to me like there is a difference between gifted children who can be educated in either public or private schools, and Bob, who seems to be exceptionally gifted. Tofinoman says that Bob is 11 grades ahead of his peers. I don't think this child can just be swept into the typical system. The trick is going to be trying to find appropriate educational resources AND finding ways to allow Bob to socialize as normally as possible. I have worked in an early-to-college program myself (I know of residential college programs for students as young as high school juniors/grade 11) and some of our students were extremely frustrated in more typical schools. Their parents often resorted to online education/homeschooling, but parents had some frustration because they did not feel equipped to teach their own children. The students in our program prefer to socialize with other highly gifted peers, where they feel understood...or with adults. I hope that others, such as abitlost and RyanAmysMom, who have raised or know of others who have raised highly exceptional children can offer more specific information about what worked for their children. Maureen

I think that this is an opportunity to address communication and sensitivity with your new husband. I see this not as "just" an incident that occurred about whether or not you go to an "event" with your husband, but more a sign of the communication style between you. It sounds to me like you haven't quite ironed this out fully yet...or he thinks that you are okay with it, but I suspect you are not. I believe you can use this as the opening to a conversation that will allow both of you to open yourselves up more and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Sometimes, things come up like this that give us opportunities to enhance the intimacy between partners. Best wishes, Maureen

Deep breaths. I'm really sorry, nonesuch. I really get it. Maureen

Julester3, I really think that bereavement leave policies consider more typical losses...grandparent, aged parent... That is hard enough, but it makes more sense. As far as Sandberg goes, she intends to advocate for better leave policies, but we all know that it will take a long time to see that change. The companies that can most afford it will do it...like Facebook. I don't work at Facebook, though...and I doubt many of us here work for companies that will just say...you know, you are right! We need to give employees a much better bereavement leave policy! Maureen

I am working hard at creating a new now. I have finished my Master's degree and I am just so ready to make a change. I am not getting the kind of cooperation I would like to have with my job search yet, though. So...I sit in limbo. My house is half-packed up. My mind is already leaving Kansas and trying to wrap itself around some mystery location in the northeast. The hardest part of all of this is that I no longer have the distraction of school, I am not working, and I sit in the midst of what I have lost and what I need to move forward from. Grief has its tendencies to creep in at times like this. I clearly know that I can't get back what I had and I am ready to engage in something new...a new career, a new home, meeting new people, getting established - again. I have too much time to think. I wish I had known that the job search was going to take this long. I would have chosen to travel - somewhere - anywhere - to work off some of this energy I have. However, I have been able to invest in my health. I have lost a fair amount of weight and I get out walking about 1 1/2 hours a day with my dog. The neuropathy in my legs that was the first symptom of my cancer 3 years ago has nearly fully resolved. So...some good things....but not nearly enough yet. So...that's it for me... Maureen

canadiangirl, Sandberg does address her relative privilege in her book and even apologizes for not recognizing the plight of solo mothers in Lean In; however, I did not feel as if she even paused to suggest how people in less supportive circumstances - financial or personal - could use her wisdom in real time. She talks about how we need to advocate for changes in policies - family and bereavement leave, for the best example, but that does little to help someone who is coping with loss right now. Maureen

I received my book a couple days ago and finished it yesterday. The book is chock full of philosophies that could potentially help people...if they don't get bogged down in the long list. It also throws grief and the loss of a spouse in with other types of trauma and loss. The authors spent some time researching, but I don't honestly see anything new and earth shattering in the book. That being said, it might help a lot of people, and the fact that Sheryl Sandberg is well known means that many people may choose to read her book and perhaps there will be more people who have at least read about grief and have greater sensitivity about it. I'd be interested in other's reactions. I haven't fully shared my thoughts here at this point. Maureen

My first husband and I discussed the reality that I would have a different life after he died. He had a progressive genetic disease and we knew he was likely to die long before me. My second husband was also widowed. We never talked about what we would do when one of us was widowed again. We certainly didn't anticipate him dying so soon. But I have no difficulty knowing he would want me to find happiness with someone else. Maureen

Dog. Labrador retriever, to be exact. Allergic to cats. Log cabin in the woods, or a brownstone in the city?

2ManyQuestions...you cheat! So...I will answer the question before you more properly! I like both the mountains and the beach, but the mountains hold much more variety and can be tolerated for longer periods of time. So...mountains. I will choose picnic over drive-in. Glasses or contact lenses?

I have been to both, but Alaska is just breathtaking. Watching reality TV when you are bored: Cops, or the Bachelor?

Hmm...not on my weight loss diet, but I enjoyed some pancakes recently! Not much of a fan of cheese in my eggs, though. Pulling weeds or raking leaves?

Real book! I don't like reading screens. I want the book in my hands. Minivan or SUV?

Never thought I would say this, but country life! Photos...head shot or full body shot?

Reviving, hachi! Nice to see you here. Hot and humid...or cold and snowy?

Good for you on this one. My first husband and his family, being Jewish, would never have allowed this consideration; hence, the town cemetery became our best option. I also think that time may make a difference for all of you. In the unlikely (yet possible) situation that your life is much shorter than statistically expected, you may need to consider what your own children might need. Perhaps that document you place in the safe can have contingencies...for now...and for consideration after "x" number of years. However you work this out, I wish you the best for you and your wife and for all of the children you have together. Maureen

My name is on 2 headstones now.