Wheelerswife

His name was Fly. Here on this board, he called himself Tofinoman. We connected about 14 months ago after I responded to one of his early threads about anger. He sent me a PM thanking me for my response. We started a conversation from that point forward, sharing stories of our late spouses, our families, and our day-to-day activities. A friendship blossomed. We communicated a couple of times a day since late June of 2016. He lost his beloved wife Jenny in March of 2016 when she slipped and fell while running on a mountain trail and hit her head. He, like all of us, was devastated. Jenny was his lifesaver, the person who taught him what love and family were supposed to be. Fly had left his abusive home as a young teen and forged out on his own. He was scrappy, entrepreneurial, and determined. He lived a rough lifestyle – until he met his Jenny, a calm and sheltered pastor’s daughter who needed a room at his remote motel late one night when her car broke down. She caught his attention, introduced him to her loving family, and they were married 5 months later. Jenny went on to university and medical school. Fly expanded his skills at flying helicopters and small planes and building several businesses. Just over 6 years ago, they had a little girl they affectionately call Boo. Fly and I were an unlikely pair to forge a friendship. He was a man of deep faith and I am a non-believer. He was more politically conservative and I am much more liberal. Fly had endless drive to work, to achieve, to jump higher, drive faster, to do anything daring. He was determined that his daughter would never have to know the life of poverty and abuse into which he was born. He inspired his loyal employees to stretch themselves further than they would have imagined possible. Fly and I had planned to meet last January when he was wintering in Mexico, but just a couple of days after Christmas, he became acutely ill, was hospitalized, and was diagnosed with lung cancer. He spent most of the next few months hospitalized. Instead of getting to visit, we kept in touch through texting and I came to know several of his family members, friends, and employees as they kept their vigil at his bedside when he was critically sick. Eventually, he was able to leave the hospital and sail back home to British Columbia. Even weak from illness and hospitalization, he immediately went back to working, flying search and rescue missions, Airmed evacuations, re-certifying his pilots, and other assorted jobs. He met with oncologists back in BC and learned that his cancer continued to spread. He chose to keep working. Wildfires kicked up in British Columbia, and although fresh out of the hospital for pneumonia, Fly chose to make a difference and with about a dozen of his helicopters and crews, he set out leading teams to evacuate residents and animals and fight the fires from the air. In the last several weeks, Fly took a break from fighting fires with all of his crews as they brought the helicopters back for needed maintenance. His daughter had the chance to get established with her teachers. Fly returned to fire-fighting, however, he flew his last mission on September 2nd. His sister flew in to bring him home and his oncologists confirmed on September 5th what he told me he knew…he was quite sick and did not have much time left. We had our last conversation on Thursday, September 7th. We both cried. He wanted to talk to me while he could still talk. He was incredibly sad to be leaving his daughter; however, she will be raised by a village of amazing people that I have come to know. He has told her that there are angels who still have not gone to heaven who will love her and take care of her. There is an immense amount of love amongst Fly’s family and friends. His daughter’s guardians have lived in her home her entire life and they love her as their own. He spent his last 10 days visiting his businesses and employees, pitching in to work, training a pilot on a new plane, riding his motorbike with family and friends, watching his daughter perfect her back flip on the diving board and getting her ready for bed at night. This is Fly…always thinking of others, loving working, pushing himself to the limits. Yesterday, Fly sent me the following text: “I am not a quitter…but just in case it is time, I want to say goodbye, hun.” This morning, I received the news that he had died. Our one regret is that distance, illness, and Fly’s call to use his last breaths for the benefit of his fellow citizens did not allow us the opportunity to meet in person. Our friendship was full of love and caring and I know he challenged me to think outside my own boxes, to take risks, and to be open to opportunities where one might not expect them. Losing my friend has kicked up my own grief for the loss of my husbands as well. But in our last moments of conversation and tears we both acknowledged that having loved…our spouses as our lovers and each other as friends…was worth the pain. Goodbye, my friend. I will miss you….

Hello, all. As is my typical modus operandi, I have decided with a week's notice to travel to Connecticut to commemorate the 8th anniversary of my first husband's death, to visit some of his family, and also visit some of my friends (i.e. wid friends). I have checked in with a few people and we have settled on a bago on Sunday, September 24th at Gouviea Vineyards in Wallingford, CT. This location has been a tradition for bagos for longer than I have been a widow. This bago, as always, is open to anyone from newbies to seasoned widows and widowers. The group from this bago was there for me 6 weeks after my first husband died and I was at this location for a bago the day my second husband died unexpectedly. I can't say enough for all the people who have attended bagos at this location for years. For those who have never been to a winery bago here, let me explain our traditions. There is a large building at the winery with tables and chairs. We typically arrive starting at about noon and stay until whenever...4:00 to 5:30ish. Arrive when you can, stay as long as you are comfortable. This is a pot luck affair. Each of us brings some type of food to share - often things eaten easily with the fingers. We don't try to plan for who is bringing what dish or snack. If everyone brings peanuts, we eat peanuts! This has never been a problem for us. We do have a professional chocolate supplier in the group. Prepare to be spoiled by chocolate truffles. We are not allowed to bring any beverages to the winery. Wine, soda, water and ?coffee? are available for purchase. Although this is a winery, the bago is not a drinkfest. Some people will enjoy wine, while others will choose not to drink any alcohol. We are there to enjoy each other's company. People have come to this bago from several New England and Middle Atlantic states. If this location is within your travel range, please feel free to attend. Feel free to PM me and I can give you more details. I can give you my phone number and we can watch for you when you arrive and welcome you into the group. Come and meet a few others and make new friends. You can check out the winery at this link: http://www.gouveiavineyards.com/ I hope to see y'all there! Maureen

Hey there MadPage. Good to see your name again...sorry for the reason. But I get it. Hugs to you, Maureen

Good for you, Mizpah! I certainly can relate to this: "Things happening to me have brought me suffering, and I'm afraid. But this is GOOD thing happening to me. I think trauma has conditioned me to fear change and things that didn't come about from my own control." I know that you have persevered through circumstances that did not fit your concept of how you wanted your life to be. You and I and a lot of others here have learned that we really don't have control of a lot of things in this life. Kudos to you for being brave, tackling your fear, and living your life. Control what we can, eh? Maureen

At this point, I didn't find it helpful to think about the long term. Right now, just focus on the next day or week. You have made it through each day so far. You will make it through the coming days as well. In time, you will find that you did make it through the unbearable. Tomorrow's concerns can usually be managed tomorrow. I know it is hard. Your heart is broken. Keep writing what is on your mind if that helps you. We can handle it and it may encourage others to do the same. Hugs, Maureen

Hello, SalvationsDying, I am so terribly sorry you had to join our club. A lot of us are told we are strong and inspirational and some of us don't like it or feel that way, either. Life can be incredibly unfair. We all know it and you don't have to pretend to be anything here. I wish you had been able to live in life's bubble of innocence for a lot longer. You will find that you are not the only one here that is as young as you or who has been left to raise small children without their other parent. I wish it wasn't so. You have every right to be broken, numb and sad. Many people around you won't understand what you are going through. Some of those people will really try. I have found that it takes a lot to trust people with thoughts and emotions after the loss of a spouse, but I had more support if I risked telling people my truth. I hope you have people surrounding you who are offering to help you. Many people don't know what to do or what to say. Accept the help that people offer that is truly helpful. Don't worry that your friends and family will feel burdened by helping you. Often, they need to do something. Let them mow your lawn, bring you meals, take your car for an oil change, watch your children, or sit and listen to you talk about your amazing husband. You are right that we don't have a choice about continuing on. It will not always be this intense or overwhelming, but hearing that might not help you in the moment. Come here, read, post, vent to your heart's content. Hugs to you, Maureen

I have always felt that all who had experienced the death of a beloved partner should be welcome here - the very young to the too young to be widowed. There is no place at all for the people who never got the chance to marry and this is the closest place for them to find community. I don't understand the need to define the concept of widowhood by having had a ceremony before losing a partner. Someone who is unmarried has not usurped anything by claiming to be or feel widowed, at least in my book. I don't understand the need for some people to drive home the concept that not being married means you are not a widowed person. I have seen people driven off by this. I'm sure that someone would be able to point things I might have said that discouraged people. ☹️ I'm sure I have said the wrong thing at times. I recognize that people here have very different belief systems. I think it gets tricky when someone interjects moral principles into a thread where the OP may believe differently. It is one thing to ask someone to consider whether something under consideration sits well in their heart/mind/gut, but to judge someone from one's own perspective isn't something any of us receives well. I'm sorry for my own transgressions. Maureen

Hi, 320sycamore. It is definitely possible to have delayed grieving. We each have differing circumstances, personalities, resources, relationships, support. All of these contribute to how we grieve and cope. I was also diagnosed with cancer just after my second husband died. My first symptoms of trouble manifested just 12 days after my husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. My cancer was rare and aggressive and chemo-resistant. I chose not to undergo chemo or clinical trials and practically wished the cancer would just take me out of my misery. But...it hasn't shown it's ugly face in over 3 years now. Having been widowed twice, I can tell you that my grieving processes have been very different and I even have a common denominator in myself. My first husband died after a protracted decline. By the end, he had suffered enough and was at peace with dying. I was left to face life alone, but I met my second husband 6 months later and we fell deeply in love very quickly. We married a year later, but we didn't even get 4 years together before my fairy tale ending - ended. I started having panic attacks and significant anxiety right away...and then symptoms that led to diagnostic tests, surgery and the surprise of my rare cancer. 3 1/2 years later, I cannot yet say I am Beyond Active Grieving - which is something I could definitely say much earlier after my first husband's death. Life's complications can certainly impact the grief process. I'm no counseling expert either, but I doubt your situation is abnormal. I think the questions I would ask you are - can you talk about this with your partner? Can you share your grief with him? Who else can you talk to about this? Have you thought about a grief counselor? Do you want to save this relationship? Feel free to PM me if you want to talk off the board, too. Hugs, Maureen

Kailee, In a couple weeks, I will have been a widow for 8 years. Like JeanGenie, my lists of contacts and Facebook friends are full of widowed folks that I have met here, on this board's predecessor YWBB, at bagos, through casual meetings with people when I had the opportunity to explain why I lived where I did... For a while, these people were the only people I felt comfortable with. In time, I have made other friends through work and school. I'm different than I was before being widowed. I appreciate people who understand that. To you and anyone else here who is new - I suggest that, within your comfort zone, you can try to connect with others here that you can resonate with. That can be your age, your timeframe, your circumstances, the mention of a similar career path... I know some people aren't as comfortable with this as others, but you might be surprised that you might strike up a chat with someone and find a new friend. I have been to many, many bagos and I have met a lot of people from this site and it's predecessor. Of course, not everyone I have met is a "best friend". But I am in almost daily contact with someone from this board and I can't imagine my life right now without these friends. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I could talk to someone at any hour of the day or night if I needed to. In my early months, I did just that. Hugs, Maureen

It depends...on where exactly I am then... I will keep this on my radar. Maureen

Just in case anyone took my post incorrectly, it's purpose was to clarify what bagos are about. I should have been more careful with the quote I used, because it had nothing to do with Jen's post. I have already personally apologized to Jen for my error. I will be more careful in the future. Maureen

Please, no apologies, Jess. We are here to listen, to have a place to tell your story, and to say all the things that other people don't understand. I'm sorry you are a part of this club. I'm sorry your beloved Jamie had to die and Zac does not know his dad. Relationships with in-laws can be complicated. Just remember that they are not themselves now, either, as they lost their son. Of course, that does not mean you have to endure poor behavior from them. Perhaps starting over again in Australia will be the best for both you and Zac. I found that studying was good for me, too. School work forced me to focus my attention, and that wasn't easy for me to do. You are not the only young parent here who lost their partner. Keep reading and you will find that even though in your real world, you are pretty alone, there are others in this virtual world who share a similar story. Hugs, Maureen

What a nice post, Bunny! I will add a few unexpected kindnesses, too. 1. I wasn't at home when my husband died. When I called to change my flight, the customer service person was so kind, asked me simple questions that I could answer with one word, and the process was completed very quickly. 2. When I checked in at the airport, I kept making errors checking in at the kiosk. The attendant saw tears coming down my cheeks and came over and checked me in herself. 3. When I got on the plane, I ended up sitting next to a pilot who asked me if I was flying for business or pleasure. I told him my truth. He cried with me! He had lost a brother when he was younger and he was incredibly sensitive to me and my situation. 4. When I arrived at my home airport, a married couple - colleagues of my husband that I knew but not well - picked me up, drove my car home, and walked into my house with me. My husband had died in his sleep in our bed. They didn't want me to have to walk in alone. They brought simple snacks to my house every few days and left them on the front porch for me so I would eat something. I know there are many more things that followed. Maureen

Hi, Megan, I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Douglas and at such a young age. Douglas sounds like an amazing man and I'm glad the two of you knew such beautiful love together. My first husband also used a wheelchair full time because of his motor disability. Loneliness is hard, eh? Even amongst people who love us, we still can feel the yearning for that one very special person that was our spouse, lover, partner in life. Fortunately, most younger people have not had to experience such great loss and they cannot understand. But we do. Your loss is so recent and your grief is so fresh. It is almost impossible to think long-term at this point. For now, try to survive each day. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. The future will still come and you will gradually be able to think about it more. Anticipation of the future is often harder to cope with than what actually happens. All of us have made it through those first weeks and then months. You will make it, too. Keep reading and posting and venting if that helps you. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Leadfeather, I'd like to welcome you to our online community. As we say, it is the club that nobody wants to join and the price of membership is way too high. I don't have kids, but I am sure others can relate to your empty nest situation and coping with launching big kids out into the world. Hang in there and vent away. Maureen

As hard as it may be, I'm glad you had these memories. They can be gifts. They made my heart smile just a bit with trying to imagine these simple but actually intimate interactions between you and your wife. Hugs, Maureen

Typically in the Message box but you could start a thread about it too. Widowbagos don't happen often enough. Widowbagos have never been about hookups. They are about friendships and supporting each other.

Hug, Wifeless. I'm less than a month from 8 years into widowhood myself. These words say so much. Thank you! Maureen

So yesterday was the great solar eclipse (for those of us in the continental US). John would have been like a kid in a candy store. He loved his astronomy so much that we had built a post in the center of a compass rose in the center of our backyard patio...all so he could bolt his big telescope to the post and get great astral photographs. Our home was fairly close to the band of the total eclipse. He may have chosen to drive a couple hours north to view the totality...or perhaps stayed home to be able to get photos from our own back yard. No matter what, he would have read every little bit he could about the eclipse and the history of eclipses and ancient stories about them and...well, you get it. He would have taught the community about the eclipse and maybe taken his telescope to the local natural history museum to share it with kids young and old. I would have been right by his side, captured by his enthusiasm, probably repeating what I had gleaned from him to kids who were all enthralled in watching as well. I miss that enthusiasm! I miss the energy he brought to all things great and small. I miss the challenge of being with my charismatic husband. He made me such a stronger person - someone unafraid to try new adventures and to find fascination in things such as the natural world. I miss my old self. The eclipse is just one more event that reminds me that life is just so different now. I'm trying to find new direction, but it isn't happening. Everything I have worked for in the last few years...it isn't paying off. At least not yet. I have to change my way of thinking, I suppose. I just want to feel confident and as if I am moving toward something that will benefit me physically, mentally, and emotionally. It all seems so elusive. Enough rambling for now... Maureen

Ah. You have found your own way of acknowledging Tim. Bravo! Maureen

Hi, Ceda, I'm so very sorry you had to join our club. I hope you feel at home here. Sadly, there are others who have lost a spouse at your young age. You deserved a lifetime with him. 2.5 weeks just doesn't cut it. Hugs, Maureen

Ah, Adley, I don't have kids myself and can't imagine the heartache you feel trying to pull off life with your kids - trying to do the right thing for stability in your little family. I'm going to have to say you are a great parent...there are so many others here, too, trying to navigate the world without their co-parent/spouse with them. I hope your little girl is able to get up each day and find something wonderful about her new school and class and her new friends and your new home. Hugs, Maureen

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife and the mother of your children. I imagine this is all so overwhelming. Please don't apologize for writing what is on your mind and in your heart. This is exactly what this place is for. I have even named some of my posts as "rambling..." You have been through so much in your short life. It has also been full of love. I'm sorry it is now full of sorrow and anger. These are all fully normal emotions after the loss of a spouse. I hope you can find consolation in knowing that you loved your wife with all of your being, even in the midst of her mental health challenges. Right now, hug your kids. You are already taking great care of them. Remember to breathe. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Drink water. Take help that you find valuable. Read here and post to your heart's content. Hugs, Maureen

Hello, my friend. John and I had only 2 witnesses at our wedding, but our ceremony/vows mentioned a little about the circumstances that brought us together - something along the lines of finding each other after having suffered loss. I spontaneously leaned my head against John at that point and we both paused and took a couple of breaths, looked at each other and then back at the celebrant, informally indicating we were ready to continue with our vows. I have been to other weddings of widow friends. One couple lit candles for those people in their lives that had died. I think it is less complicated with widow/widower couples than with widow(er)/divorcé(e) couples. I think you should do what feels best for you and your kids. Maureen

Hugs to you. It has been nearly 8 years since I lost my first husband. I'm back in the part of the country where we lived. His memory rises up much more here. It is confusing for me sometimes. It feels like 2 lifetimes ago, but I still miss him. I wish I knew what to say. Maureen