Wheelerswife

TooSoon, I read your post a few days ago and I have been thinking of you and your family. I've been in a funk myself, and much of it is the discomfort of still being here in this house and the elusive hunt for a job somewhere far from here. This place is just all sadness now. I finished my degree and I'm just waiting. I want to be here for graduation in a few weeks to close the book on this chapter of my life, but then, I am just so ready to go. I need that fresh start, the stimulation of a move and a new job, and in many ways, a whole new life. I know that you have been sitting in the discomfort of your own worlds for awhile and I have some sense of your frustration. I know yours is much more complicated than mine, but there are similarities. It breaks my heart that John isn't here to see how far I have come. I've completed something that I would never have done if I hadn't met him, fallen in love with him, taken chances, and trusted in the universe. Yet - it is that same universe that I somehow have to trust again in order to have a life of fulfillment. But there is no choice, really - is there? I hope you and Andy can find work that suits you in the next year and perhaps we will cross paths in the world of higher education. In the mean time, I hope the discomfort isn't too awful and the next year brings you experiences that strengthen your vitae so that you can find that elusive place where the stars in your universe align perfectly. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, serpico. I imagine that you have seen some of my posts in the past about this. My widower second husband and I decided to be cremated and split to have half of our ashes buried with our first spouse and half together. My first husband is buried on the east coast. My second husband's late wife is buried on the west coast. I did what we agreed to do and I buried half of his ashes in California. I have a plot here in Kansas for us, but have yet to actually inter the ashes. I guess I just haven't been quite ready. My first husband was Jewish and I am not. In order to be buried together, I chose to place him in our local town cemetery. I was raised by conservative Catholic parents, although I no longer practice. The Catholic Church, however has some rules you may wish to consider. "Historically, the Catholic Church has not supported cremation. However, these days it is acceptable for a Catholic to be cremated. That said, most churches prefer that the body be present for the Funeral Mass, meaning that cremation should occur after the Funeral Mass. Remains should be buried in the ground or at sea or entombed in a columbarium, and should not be scattered." You may find that this matters to you or other members of your family. I have specifically chosen an executor for myself that understands my wishes and will follow through as I would like for myself. I understand that this is a really sensitive topic and I wish you well in coming to a solution that is acceptable to you, your wife, and your family. Maureen

It is good to see you here, my friend. Hugs, Maureen

I remember you. It is great to hear that your life is coming together. Hugs, Maureen

Another "old" member who I have had the opportunity to meet chose to dress up every day with a shirt and tie, even though business and social circumstances did not dictate that type of attire. He also made a point of visiting his wife's grave daily if possible. These actions had meaning for him...and that was what mattered. Maureen

I also had panic and anxiety in trying to go to bed after unexpectedly losing my husband. I had to pursue medical advice for the anxiety. My dog has been a saving grace as well. I'm so sorry you had to join this club. Hugs, Maureen

I'm sorry that there is no word to define the loss of a fiancé or fiancée. I understand that you feel very much widowed. It doesn't concern me at all that you use the word widow. For all I know, you may have been in a relationship with your fiancé longer that I knew my second husband. My pain would have been no less than if I had not married him. But, as you can see from your mother and some others who are sticklers about definitions, you may get push-back from some people. You already are quite aware that you didn't get the chance to marry him. It is hard enough to have to explain one's marital status when one has been widowed, never mind when you lost the person you had planned to marry. I wish that everyone could understand this. As for being here in this forum, married or not, you are welcome. I think it is a very small minority of widowed folks that think you are just imagining what it feels like to be a widow. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, CandiceS, From someone who is in Student Affairs, my best advice is to immediately identify yourself to your office of Student Affairs on campus. It may have a different name..Student Services, the Dean of Students, etc. They will most likely work to support you in this really difficult time. They may have the power to do things such as override some rules if you need incompletes in a course, etc. Please also take advantage of your college or university counseling center. I was also a student when my second husband died. I returned to the classroom 11 days after he died with a new semester. School gave me purpose. I know you have a LOT on your plate right now, but if you are on semesters, right now the semester's end is only weeks away. You might be able to pull this off. After that, you can decide if you want to give yourself a break from school. Hugs to you. This is an awful lot to process right now. Maureen

Hi, Lindsay, I was in a somewhat similar situation after the loss of my first husband. I wasn't in a small town, but we did live in the same town as my IL's. I met the man who became my second husband when I was 6 months out. It was also a long distance relationship. After we met and quickly established a very deep connection, I told my SIL and BIL first. I kept the disclosure low-key and didn't add many details. A few weeks later, I was visiting my MIL and she mentioned hoping that her divorced daughter, unmarried 30+ granddaughter and I would find good men to make us happy. So...I casually told her I had unexpectedly met someone. She was pretty shocked, but I kept it low-key. I told her he would be coming back to my area of the country in several weeks. She did not wish to meet him. I made a point to keep my disclosures quite limited. I knew his family was grieving. His family never came back to my home after my husband died. My MIL chose to pretend her son was on vacation for quite awhile. If she didn't see his home without him, she could continue to pretend. When my relationship deepened very quickly and John and I decided that I was going to move half-way across the country, both my family and my first husband's family were stunned. I tried very hard to respect the grief of my husband's family and the lack of understanding on the part of my own family. I did not have any children in the picture, so that complicating factor wasn't present in my situation. We had the unveiling of my husband's gravestone a couple of days after the one year anniversary of his death. (It was delayed because they broke the first stone.) I stood at the cemetery with his family, completely broken down in grief. The next day, the moving van came, loaded up what furniture I hadn't given away, and I drove off toward my new home. It was all pretty emotional for everyone, but I knew that the past was no longer my life. Since you live near his family and you have children, I hope you can sustain relationships with his family. Recognize that other people grieve, too, and they aren't necessarily ready for what they see happening with you. Be as discreet as you can be for awhile. If there is a family member who is able to converse with you about this topic, share the combination of emotions. Let them know you miss your husband, too. Perhaps someone can reassure his family that you truly do grieve, however, you have come to the understanding that life is short and precious and you value loving relationships. You aren't replacing your husband or your children's father. But...your heart has grown and you have let someone new in. I married my second husband when I was 18 months out and he was 14 months out from losing his wife. My MIL and FIL met him about 15 months after we met at a neutral location and again a year later. My MIL (FIL was slipping with Alzheimers) decided she liked my new husband. I continued to keep contact with her and visited a few times a year (I lived 1600 miles away). I saw my MIL the day before my second husband died. She was one of the first people I called after I found out he died. We are not excessively close, but I still maintain contact with her. So...advice? Be kind to your IL's. Respect their grief, too. But...you still need to live your own life. As far as advice on the children, I will leave that to those who have that kind of experience. Best wishes, Maureen

BH2, I am so glad your niece received this second lease on life. Of course, our hearts are also with the donor family. May your niece continue to have this wonderful outlook and many, many happy and healthy years! Maureen

Hi, Joan. I think this is different for each of us. I had my first husband for over 18 years, 17+ married. Unexpectedly, I met my second husband 6 months later. I remarried at 18 months out...and I was incredibly happy, even thought the sadness of the loss of my first husband (and my second husband's late wife, for him) was always present in the background. I lost my second husband suddenly in his sleep just 20 days before you lost your husband. So...it has been over 3 years for me, too. I have scratched the surface at dating just a little bit, but I have not gone "there", either. I have to believe that for me, at least, there will be another love that I will find when the conditions are right and I am ready. I don't think that everyone wants that, but I do. My second marriage was wonderful - everything I could have wanted and then some. I miss him terribly, but I know he is gone and that the life we had is gone as well. You may be able to be happy by yourself. I don't think that is a bad approach to take, since you (well, we) are by ourselves now and it makes more sense to me to make the most out of life. Grab onto what makes you feel happy...friends, family, career, hobbies, travel, exercise, meditation, reading, learning a new skill. Perhaps along the way you will find more things that are good in life, and happiness will find you. Hugs, Maureen

I can relate to much of what you have said here. I joined this club when I was 47 and renewed my membership when I was 51. My first husband died after a long and protracted decline and we had all of our ducks in a row, too. But I went from very busy to having so little to do...and that was hard. It can be really hard not to focus on the future in the early weeks and months. Somehow, we really want to know where life will go. My experience is that I really could not have predicted the twists and turns that came. No matter what, we still have to live in the here and now...and for those of us who don't have children to take care of, that often means that we sit with our aloneness quite a bit. In my experience, that has been a necessary part of integrating the reality that he (well, they now) are really gone. I'm glad you recognize that in time, you will be okay. Life will be different...how could it not be? Even though I knew this first hand because I had lost my first husband, it still wasn't very comforting after I lost my second husband. So... don't worry if you can't convince yourself that those words are true. It was an honor to have been the wife of my husbands. I would do it all again, even knowing the outcomes. Am I sad? Very much so. But I have to also be hopeful that life has more to offer that will bring me satisfaction and happiness. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Marie! John and I were able to visit the Giant's Causeway. I hope you have a memorable vist, too. Maureen

Even as the years bring me further away from having my guys, dates still feel like a punch to the gut. I recently passed the 7 1/2 year mark for my first husband...it felt oddly like the 5 year mark. Sometimes I ask myself - "Was that really my life?" Hugs, Maureen

I had to have something to keep me occupied. After my first husband died, I went back to work after 6 weeks. I had to get up and be somewhere 5 days a week. I know I didn't function at my best, but sometimes, I would get absorbed in my work taking care of my patients (I was/am a physical therapist). When my second husband died, I had gone back to school. 11 days after he died, my semester started back up. I had only 3 courses, but one class each day of the week. So, for 5 days a week, I had to be prepared for something...reading, a paper, a group project....something. I had to be out of the house and on campus. What these things did was connect me to the living. It is hard to stay completely morose when life is happening around you. So...for periods of time, I was lifted by my patients, fellow students, the joking and poking around that happens in the office or clinic or classroom. Sure, there were times that I wanted to hide from what was going on, and I did that when I felt the need. Time makes a difference, too. The hard part about that is that sometimes, it takes a lot more time than we would like. Keep posting here. I'm glad to see that we have some newer folks joining in. I know that people are out there needing support, just as I did. Make connections with people if you sense some type of understanding or rapport. You might be surprised how much virtual friendships can develop into genuine relationships. There are a few folks from here that I correspond with on a regular basis that I have never met. There are others that, over the years, I have been able to meet in person, even though they were quite far from me. My Facebook friend list has a fair share of folks who are widowed, and many of them are living their lives fully again in spite of the reality of widowhood. Hugs to all of you who are new to this club. Maureen

I've been thinking about your post all day. Although our circumstances are different in many aspects, they aren't all that different on some others. I established my first career as a single woman out of college and was 30 years old when I got married to my first husband Barry. I had always supported myself and always expected to do just that. I'm not sure if my expectations to be self-supporting came from a feminist perspective. More than anything, I wanted to be independent of my family of origin. I wasn't that self-aware of my motives back in those days. My first husband was laid off from full time work 2 days before our wedding and he never worked substantially again. I always expected that eventually, he would be on disability and our income would be reduced, but that day came much sooner than we expected. I was also a long-term caregiver along with being the only significant breadwinner. I didn't mind providing the majority of our income, but knowing I could provide at least assured me that we had a stable life and I could provide for some of his disability-related expenses. I know it bothered him that he was not able to significantly provide toward our income. After Barry died and I met John, we had decisions to make as well. John was also an academic and we knew that it would be much more difficult for him to find work in a different location. He was a tenured full professor and department chair at his university. It made more sense for me to move to where he lived, and I made that move, fully expecting to return to my own profession of physical therapy after a short break. I never expected to make the decision to leave my career, but due to some dissatisfaction with the jobs available and the realization that my body had taken some cumulative trauma from a lot of lifting, I decided with John's support, to retire from PT and go back to school. It was a really hard decision for me to stop supporting myself and let John earn essentially our only income. I felt incredibly vulnerable. Part of the challenge was that I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I had never considered changing professions. John convinced me to just enjoy the process...school, traveling, discovering the possibilities. Then John died. My source of income was gone. I had let my PT license lapse and I had not kept up with professional development needed for licensure. I didn't have a new career yet. I had been in school part-time and I didn't yet have a new career direction. I was lucky to be able to continue John's insurance, paying the premiums, especially with the cancer diagnosis that came weeks after John died. I don't know that I would make the decision to leave myself without a reliable income if I had any inkling that John was going to die. Here we were, 2 people who were widowed young (I was 47, he was 53) and neither of us fathomed that it could happen again so soon (I was 51). It wasn't like we had never had this conversation, because we did. It has taken me 3 additional years to get to the point where I am ready - educationally and emotionally - to enter a new profession. This is a scary place to be right now, because I no longer have school to keep me occupied and I'm swimming in the job search process. I am hoping to find work and to make another move (where I find work) and I have to start all over again. I don't want to discourage you in making a decision. I know my situation is relatively uncommon. I know you are considering all kinds of scenarios and your situation is complicated. Although it is scary making changes in a career, I like the direction that I have chosen - something about higher education here! Whether it is your passion for your work, the effort you have put into your teaching and research, or the feminist in you, you have so many intricate details to consider in your decisions with Andy. I am confident that your love for each other will hold you together through this decision-making process. If you make the decision to leave your tenured position, know that it isn't giving up. I left my profession to pursue something different that allowed me to transfer many of my skills from one career into another that I will find satisfying. It will be good to know that I will be self-supporting again, although my new career, extra education and all, will not bring me the same income as my career in PT. That doesn't make it any less valuable. Hugs to you...I hope this rambling post makes sense. Maureen

Old colleague of mine...this really cracked me up! Maureen

I'm thinking that we could see Scotland from Belfast...or at least we thought we could! Maureen

I am still in contact with MIL #1. I don't really have contact with his brother and sister, my nieces and nephews or their babies. I watched my nieces and nephews grow up...watched them play sports, etc., but as the only non-Jewish person in that family, I was never truly as accepted as the other SIL and BIL. It is what it is. I cared for their disabled brother for 18 years...but I have my doubts that I will be remembered in the will - if you get my drift. I accept that reality. I also moved away a year after my husband died and I then remarried, so his family, save his mother, seem content to just let the connection drift apart. My FIL died 2 years ago and nobody expected me to return to the area for the funeral, but I did. I was not treated like a DIL...I sat behind the "family". It hurt, but it is what it is. It isn't worth any confrontation. My husband has been gone for 7 1/2 years now. My second husband has been gone for a little over 3 years. My last contact with his mother was almost 2 years ago when I stopped to visit her on a cross-country trip. She lives a 13 hour drive from me. She was bitter and blamed me for my husband's death. I didn't harp on him about his health and seeing doctors....so therefore I am responsible...because I allowed him to be the adult that he was. His mother was always a bitter person, but my husband and I were kind to her. He hated her overbearing and intrusive behavior - and I wasn't about to be like her toward my husband. I'm still distantly in touch with his surviving brother....but he lives in Alaska and we really don't need to have much contact. As I continue to go through my husband's property, I send him things I know he would want and he writes long thank-you notes in response. We have kept things cordial, even though we really don't necessarily like each other. I think that in time, your contact with his family will diminish. Don't fret over it. If they ask you why you haven't been in touch, just tell them you are grieving in your own way and you don't mean any ill toward them. If spending time with you brought them solace, they would be reaching out to you themselves. Cordiality can go a long way. I know they pressured you for some of his property. I'm hoping that pressure has diminished over time as things have settled in for them. Hold your ground, though, and only give things away when you are ready. Hang in there. Hugs to you, Maureen

Hi, Monique, It is so early for you and your move has taken you out of your environment. But...in all honestly, everything gets disrupted when you lose the love of your life. It is hard to lose your routines...because, while hard to even keep, they are routines and they are almost like automatic pilot. You get up, you shower, you try to eat, you have a place to go, you have some responsibility. Sometimes, that can help you get some relief from the constancy of thinking about your loss. But right now you don't have that. In some ways, your parents have almost reduced you to a child and are telling you what to do. You are back under their roof. They have already made some overtures that have had the effect of minimizing your loss. Your soul wants to scream...as well it should! When my first husband died, I took off 6 weeks to recover and get some rest, but I was in my own home. I took some day trips and visited other family, too. I visited the cemetery every day. I stood at his grave and talked to him. I found a young widows grief support group through a center for grieving families, even though I didn't have kids. I found the precursor to this board and connected with folks near where I lived and I started corresponding through private messages with others in a similar time frame as myself. When I went back to work, that occupied my thoughts for a number of hours a day and that was helpful. I spent the rest of my time pretty much alone. When my second husband died, I was attending a university (again...in my late 40's) and I went back to school right away. School gave me a reason to get up and out of the house every day and get my assignments done. I had a counselor at school, too, who listened to me cry and process my grief. My family doesn't live close by...and they have never truly understood my losses either. (My father said this to me 3 months after my first husband died: "You knew he was going to die. Why are you so sad?") Your loss is so fresh right now. It is going to hurt...and people, for the most part, are not going to understand. I suggest, though, that you don't stop talking about him, your loss, your disrupted life plans. We need to process our losses. I don't know what is best for you. Maybe you can write in a journal. Maybe a grief counselor would be better. You can call and ask at a funeral home or hospice, even if you didn't use their services. Some people find that exercise is their new best friend. This intensely painful time does not last forever. Your life will always be influenced by your loss, but that is not all bad. You will see the world through different eyes, but it is truly possible, in time, for life to be good again. Hang in there, Monique. Hugs to you. Maureen

Today is the 7th anniversary of our first phone conversation. We met in person 3 weeks later. Next week we would have been married 6 years. He has been gone for over 3 years. He made such an impact on my life...I can't even believe it was such a short time we were together. I have too much time to think lately...I miss him, yet I am ready to move forward. Thanks for listening. Maureen

Before I buried half of my second husband's ashes in California, I took them on a multi-state road trip, including several national parks we always wanted to visit together. For some reason, this meant a lot to me. We were fortunate to have been able to travel quite a bit in the few short years we had, but there were so many places we still wanted to see. Thanks for triggering that memory. Maureen

Okay...my weirdness...I slept with the flat sheet that was on our bed when my husband died...for a year. I rolled it into a ball and held onto it. After about a year, I got my dog. My dog has slept either with her head on my chest (the first few months) or alongside me and firmly against me for the last 2 years. The sheet (and the accompanying pillow cases) are stored in a dresser drawer. I have passed them over a few times when I have been purging things from my house. Will I keep them? Will I throw them away? I don't know... Maureen

Hugs to you. That effing void is there, for sure. Keep swimming...we just have to keep swimming, right? Maureen

This site survives by people posting... I know that people will always connect off-site. I've done that and still do. I think it is important for people to continue posting here so that new folks will have a place to connect. There is no harm in posting here for others AND connecting elsewhere in real time if that is what you need to do. Hugs to all, Maureen