Wheelerswife

Almost 8 years...and 3.5 years...and now age 55! Damn. I'm getting old! My moods fluctuate lately like the winds in Kansas. My poor dog doesn't know what to do with me. I go from paralyzed to banshee (but I lose momentum there pretty quickly). Fortunately, there isn't much shopping around here or retail therapy would have me in high credit card debt. I'm grateful for my recent road trip. My swinging moods were more manageable (except when under the roof of my folks). I've not been one to partake of the wine so much, but my weight loss seems to be on hold again...so my vice there has been utilized a bit. I know I am more fortunate than so many people, but that doesn't negate my own pain. No matter how fortunate you are, either, my friend, your pain is still very real...and it just tends to revisit, eh? Hugs...and thanks for the chance to rant a little, too... Maureen

My second husband and I were also renovating our house. We had just completed an extensive landscaping project that turned our weed pit of a back yard into a huge patio with walls and paths, completely xeriscaped and low-maintenance. He died unexpectedly 2 months later. We sat out on our new furniture a total of 10 minutes, as it was December when the furniture arrived and we had been out of state traveling. I have some regrets that I sank so much money into this house/yard that I will never get back upon selling it. It was our little forever home...except we didn't even get 3 years of being married. My advice to you, Adventureland (although you haven't asked for it!) is to think hard about what you want before making investments. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Angela, My second husband died of unknown heart issues in our bed in his sleep as well. I wasn't home. What if I was?? Honestly, I quite likely would have woken to find him dead next to me as you did. Sometimes, there just isn't anything we could have done to have made a difference. I know too many widowed folks - men and women - who were there and did the whole CPR routine and couldn't save their spouses, either. Right now, think about taking care of yourself. I know that your kids lost their dad and his family lost their son and brother, but you aren't responsible for them right now. Remember that everything that was his is now yours and you can take all the time you need to go through your home and his stuff and make decisions about how to distribute or dispose of anything. DO NOT let anyone pressure you into anything. Very little needs to be done NOW. Things can wait...and you will begin to realize how long it takes to get things done and how you can get spurts of energy to do things and then spend periods of time paralyzed and unable to do anything. This is all normal. Nightmares...tend to fade over time. You might relive those moments over and over in full technicolor, but my experience is that even the worst of those fade over time. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Angela. Welcome to our forum. I'm sorry you had to join us. Although I am capable at times of writing fairly coherently, sometimes I revert to my basics. Here it is: This all sucks! At one month out, I would be surprised if you were not lost, confused and literally alone, even when surrounded by your kids, friends, family and co-workers. Your heart and soul are just lost, and the only thing that could make things right is something you can't have. It sucks. In plain English, it does! People around us try to help us and talk to us and they are often at a loss as to what to do or say...so they ask the obvious and rote questions like, "How are you?" But often, many are not ready or capable of dealing with our truth. I've been down this road twice now and learned that it was best for me to be real with people and to give them words they didn't know how to say. I acknowledged it must be awkward for them and I told them many of my personal truths. I told people to talk about my husband and stop worrying about making me sad or making me cry. I was already sad and crying. Perhaps you can do something like this with your friends and family. It was worse for me with the elephant in the room that people were afraid to acknowledge. I hope you find comfort here amongst people who understand. And by the way...I love your book title. You will find over time that we actually have widow humor. We can always use more! Hugs, Maureen

Another bago, my friend? Sorry I missed the last one, but glad you are seeing friends. I'm on my own today, hoping to push myself through another round of job applications while hoping tomorrow brings a phone call or 2 for second round interviews. Tonight will be loud (fireworks are legal here and have been sounding off for the last few nights...for hours) and then there are the official fireworks, too. I haven't tried to connect with any friends for today, though yesterday I saw a dear friend and that helped boost my low spirits. I'm not in a celebratory mood...but I'm glad others will have fun today! Hugs, Maureen

I'm not a believer, but was at an earlier part of my life. I certainly appreciate that others have different belief systems and I think we each find something that helps us explain life, give us hope, and direct our actions. What I find most challenging is that people in general expect that others believe in a supernatural being and they expect I will find comfort in their version of faith or something at least similar to what they believe. But I don't. To me, my husbands' deaths were not a part of any plan...they were simply a result of the eventual failure of their physical bodies as a result of genetic and environmental processes including aging. The emotional fallout for me is unfortunate and challenging, but I believe that this is the only life I have, and it is up to me to figure out how I can make the best of it. Since I hate being miserable, I am driven to do what I can to find satisfaction, love, and happiness. It is all a process and I hope to maximize the amount of happiness I can attain in the time I have here on this planet. Maureen

Hi, Abby, I am so sorry that you have had to join our club. This is so fresh for you right now and you are in the midst of other transitions as well. It is perfectly normal to feel empty, sick, anxious, alone and so much worse 24/7. Right now, you have all you can to to keep breathing. I'm glad you are letting other people surround your girls and give them (and you) support. I know it isn't easy to grasp this right now, but you will get through this. My experiences with being widowed were very different, but I am still upright and functioning despite my losses. It isn't necessarily easy and there are times when I feel the brunt of sadness. Don't fret too much about the future right now. Time helps to take care of some of that and you always have the option of changing your mind down the road about what you want for yourself. Right now, remember to drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, love on your girls (if they will let you!) and take all the help that people offer. We are here for support, so use us! Hugs, Maureen

I’ve been laying low here lately, not for any reasons related to the board, but because of my own struggles. 3.5 years out. 2 new degrees. A direction for a new career. No job yet, though I have had a few nibbles. Some days that feel hopeful for a few hours…and then I am down again. I’m still in Kansas, looking to move toward the northeast US. I want to be within 6 hours driving distance from my aging folks. Dad is 90 and failing slowly. Mom is 80 and holding her own and managing my father. Sooner or later, though, that apple cart won’t continue to be balanced. I feel this need to be able to be supportive, but not on top of them. I’m just back from a month-long road trip to the east coast where all of my thoughts on my parents were confirmed. I can’t live too close. We have a contentious relationship and at my age, I don’t feel the need to be scrutinized for my choices in life. Let’s just say my parents have strong opinions on some subjects and our ideologies are on different ends of a spectrum. I have enough anxiety on my own, thank you. I spent a lot of days swallowing hard and underreacting to their fairly concrete ways of thinking. I hadn’t spent that much time around my mother, as my visits are usually quite short, but I realized that she could not entertain the thought that people could have different opinions on a host of subjects. I tried to explain that ice cream comes in an array of flavors for good reason! I did, however, get to visit many friends and family members. I attended the funeral of my 96 year-old aunt (who outlived her husband by 43 years!). I went to birthday and graduation parties and got to hang with my cousin who was one of the producers for the movie “Manchester by the Sea”. I had lunch with MIL #1, who is losing her spunk, sadly. I also got to see wid friends, many of whom I have known since I lost my first husband and who have supported me through the loss of my second husband as well. I am grateful for the hospitality of those who offered me a place to sleep or a good meal and even a motorcycle ride. I always feel comfortable with my wid sisters and brothers. I asked for and received advice from my friends and have concluded that I just need to leave Kansas behind. I moved here in 2010, just a year after the loss of my first husband. I met my second husband through the old board (YWBB) when a platonic conversation quickly turned into a wonderful love story. John, whose screen name was polarbear, was a university professor and lived here in Western Kansas. I was at a place in my life where I was ready for change and left just about everything behind on the east coast to make a new life with John. We had a whirlwind romance, married a year after we met, and lived life to the fullest….until he died very unexpectedly in his sleep. My fairy tale ending became a nightmare. It didn’t help that I was diagnosed with cancer just after he died. (I’ve been in good health since my initial surgery.) I stayed here for the last 3.5 years because I hadn’t yet found my new bearings. I was in shock, and more than I really understood. School was my structure and what kept me putting one foot in front of the other. Well, school and road trips…travel is my drug of choice. But now I have my degrees and a vision for a second career. I just need a job and a place to have a fresh start. So…I’m back home and ready to complete arrangements to leave Kansas. I have about 3 weeks to accomplish this…all the while hoping that preliminary job interviews turn into second interviews and job offers. I am renting my house to a young professor and her husband. Perhaps they will buy it in a year. Their current lease is up in a month, so I will move my property to where I get a new job (plan A – and a long shot right now) or into storage near said parents (plan B – sigh) until I get a job. Friends have offered a rarely used second house to squat in for a while if needed. I’m hoping I get a job soon. The market is tight, but I am trying to be hopeful. My mood keeps shifting. One of my friends is very, very sick and that makes my heart very heavy. He lives quite far from me and I haven’t been able to see him. I have mixed feelings about leaving Kansas. I know it is necessary (I have been downsizing and packing my home for a year…I know I need to go) but I have to leave the life I wanted behind. I miss John terribly. My heart is really broken. I know, though, that in order to live fully, I have to move forward, and I can’t do that here. Just writing these words causes chest pain for me. As much as I can see the logic in moving, my heart wants to hang on to the life that I had and the plans we had for our future together. But I know that they are gone. I have my memories, which remain quite vivid. I don’t know why I had to repeat this lesson about life. We are not in control in many ways. Maybe I need to study Buddhism. I never know where my ramblings will take me. If you have made it to the end, thanks for reading. I try to read the board every day, even if I don’t respond. Sometimes other people say it better. Other times, I try to remember my manners and when I don’t have something nice to say….lol. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Maria. I'm also twice widowed and I understand what you are saying. It has been harder for me...the second loss. I'm not entirely sure why. Perhaps because we had learned so much about life and what was important and we gave to each other so intensely. As hard as it has been, I am grateful for the opportunity to love my second husband. I have no regrets. I try to live my life as fully as I can, although that is difficult at times. Hugs to you, Maureen

Interestingly, my first husband had two bouts of Takotsubo cardiomyopathy near the end of his life. His was not caused by the death of someone close, but as a reaction to sudden respiratory distress associated with bronchitis and pneumonia. The adrenaline rush can stun the heart, causing severe left ventricular weakness, inadequate cardiac output and extremely low blood pressure. Fortunately, for him, he recovered cardiac function within a couple of weeks, although he needed extensive ICU support during that time. I don't know if they would have found permanent damage. He died just a few months after the second incident. He was extremely weak at that point, having needed a ventilator at night the last 16 months of his life. I know that the doctors had never seen a case of this stress cardiomyopathy in someone with my husband's specific neuromuscular disease. Perhaps people didn't recognize it more. Maureen

I have never changed my name. I've been married and widowed twice and never wanted to be known as or called Mrs. Husband's Last Name or even worse, to me, Mrs. Husband's First and Last Name. People sometimes call me Mrs. My Last Name and it feels awkward, too. It always has. In work situations, I've always gone by my first name, and in formal situations, people have generally called me Ms. My Last Name. When people want their children to call me a name of respect, I am usually called Miss Maureen. I know that in other cultures, women keep their own names. I was happy to be married to my husband's but I have always bristled at the thought of feeling owned by them, which is some of how I feel with respect to "adopting" their name as mine. Maureen

I can't imagine your heartache for your children. (I remember when you were pregnant with son#1!) Hugs, Maureen

Hello and welcome. I was widowed almost 8 years ago and today would have been my 25th anniversary. I remarried 6 years ago and lost my second husband 3 1/2 years ago. I was then diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. Sadly, I get the struggle. It can be hard to stay positive, but I try. Today has been exhausting. I'm glad you found us. You are not the only one, but I get how this can be very lonely. The one we want with us through our trials just isn't here. Hugs, Maureen

I get it. I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just weeks after my second husband died. I hoped it would just take me out of my misery. Obviously, it didn't. Even though I still get my low points, I no longer feel so hopeless. How did I get to this point? Especially when it was so bad? I just kept breathing through it all. Hang in there...by these threads that let you express what is going on. And...make sure you are talking to a counselor of your choosing. Someone close to you needs to know how you feel and should be able to check in on you. And if you ever feel anything that is remotely akin to taking your own life, call a hot line or get yourself to a hospital. There is a difference between thinking it would be okay if you got struck by lightning and planning to actively do something to harm yourself. Hugs, Maureen

xoxo The first anniversary can be so difficult. On the first anniversary of my first husband's death, I was in love with the man who became my second husband. Not many people could grasp that, but it was right. Don't be afraid to love if that is how you feel. More hugs, Maureen

Of course you have bad days, bromans. This is not how life was supposed to be. I think that most of us have felt this way after losing a spouse. This isn't supposed to happen at age 24. (It isn't supposed to happen at age 47 and 51, either, but it did.) I seems so cruel that some people have to learn this lesson at such a young age. This is the time when you can't look forward too much. It is too difficult to imagine life in another year or another 20 years without your love with you. So...we figure out how to get through the next day or even just the next hour. You have done it for 3 months. You will do it another day. I have done this twice, and even though I made it through the first time, that knowledge didn't necessarily help me in the early days after I lost my second husband. So...I won't tell you that it will get better. I will just tell you that we will be here with you along the way. Hugs to you, Maureen

I buried the second half of his ashes 10 days ago...3 years and 4 months into this. It was something I knew I had to do, yet I feel more broken. The cemetery is just a few blocks from the house, and I stop by there frequently. I have had the plot and headstone for almost 3 years, but having his ashes buried there seems to have set off a switch in my head and I ache more. I know that some of this is about finality...I am also planning on leaving here and taking on a fresh start somewhere yet to be determined. This life as I knew it is over. I loved my life with him, even though it was brief...less than 4 years from first conversation until he died. But I loved that life...and it can't be the same without him. Just different grief, I guess. Maureen

I have 2 families of in-laws...and pretty minimal contact. I don't live near them, which perhaps is a big part of the equation, but most of them have not attempted to keep in touch with me. I still talk to MIL#1. It has been almost 8 years since my first husband died and next month we would be celebrating our 25th anniversary if he had not died. I've pretty much given up on my SIL and BIL and nieces and nephews, even though I knew some of these now adult children from the time they were born and attended countless baseball and basketball games, birthday parties, holidays, etc. with them. Their lives go on, much like mine does....in different directions. I wish I had been treated as a beloved DIL when my FIL died a couple of years ago, but they relegated me to the second row, even though by BIL's wife was apparently a full fledged member of the family. I suppose it didn't matter that I was a caregiver to their beloved and disabled son/brother for the entirety of our marriage. I doubt they will reward my sacrifices in the will when my elderly MIL dies, but then again, I'm not asking for or expecting anything. I'm a little bitter...yeah, but I try to put it out of my mind. As for my second husband's family, I honestly don't like his surviving mother and brother. I keep a cordial relationship with his brother and just this week I sent him a few things I thought he might like to have that belonged to his brother. I expect to move from the home I has with my second husband within the next couple of months, and since I have essentially processed everything I have now that I would give to his family, I don't think there will be any more contact. My MIL is a bitter woman and all she had to say to me the last time I saw her 2 years ago was that I hadn't been a good wife because I didn't make my (adult, fully capable) husband go to doctors. She blames me for his death that was due to unknown heart disease. I know you have some desire to stay close to his family...for reasons you know and probably some unconscious reasons you can't quite articulate. My guess, though, is that you will continue to drift away from them...or them from you. I imagine with more time, you will become more accustomed to this reality and the pain will lessen. It is hard to let go of what we had and what we wanted. Sadly, our spouses are gone and we can't change that...and we can't change what other people decide for themselves, either. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome, SHerbster. It is hard to lose our loves, eh? I lost my second husband unexpectedly and my heart is broken, too. Grief has a way of coming back and biting us in the butt sometimes. We seem to get a grasp on the reality - we wrap our heads around the changes in our lives - we take steps forward - and then we find ourselves going backwards again. We all have similarities as well as differences on this widow road. I have been widowed twice and my experiences have been very different; but the one thing I know is that life does keep going in spite of our losses. I have had to make changes I did not want to make to the life that I wished could have lasted forever. There have been emotional upheavals along the way, but at the same time, I have persisted in getting myself re-engaged in the swirl around me. I do it because the consequences of not living (sometimes it is just existing) are worse than what life would be like if I stayed in the hole. I found happiness and a new direction after widowhood once and I am determined that I will find happiness again. I do not want to live out the rest of my life with constant sadness and anxiety. I'm not saying it is easy, but to me, it is necessary. I am 3 years and 4 months out from losing my second husband. I have taken an entirely different direction in my career and I am about to move to someplace new for a fresh start. I know that the change will give me things to focus on besides loss. Sometimes, all we can do is put one foot in front of the other. Eventually, we look back and see the progress we have made. I needed to have very concrete ways to measure what I achieved. I have 2 new degrees. Each course, project, and semester was another step for me. Every closet I emptied, every shelf I cleaned, every piece of paper I processed was another step. Now...every job application is a step toward a new future. Your situation is unique to you...perhaps you can make mental notes of what you have accomplished over the last almost 2 years and perhaps more notes on what you want to achieve in the coming months. I often have to ruminate on what needs to get done for quite awhile before I can even get started. For me...things did happen in time and what seemed impossible 2 years ago has been achieved, often with less effort that I expected because I eventually figured out when the time was right. I'm rambling...I have a habit of doing that...but I wanted to welcome you and give you a virtual hug. We get it here...you can say anything, really. Read, post, vent, read some more. Hang in there, Maureen

My parents are pretty conservative. They refused to come to my first wedding. The primary reason was that my then-fiancé and I bought our first house together and moved in 7 months before the wedding. They didn't condone that we were living in sin. That was 25 years ago. I was 30 years old and they felt it necessary to tell me how to live my life. They were not pleased when I let them know that I was moving to be with DH2 either. More living in sin. I was 48 years old and they still felt the need to tell me how to live my life. They never accepted that marriage. Sadly, they didn't take the time to get to know my husband, either. My mother came to his memorial service (my father wasn't healthy enough to travel) and after a day of listening to my husband's friends and colleagues talk about him (and our relationship, too) my mother finally acknowledged what an amazing person he was. We have to live our lives in the ways that make us happy. If I had concerned myself with how my family felt about my marriages, I might have missed out on the best things that ever happened to me. I don't know if I will ever meet a third great love, but if I do, you can be darned certain that I am not going to make life decisions based on what my family thinks is good for me. Maureen

3 years and 4 months. Some days I seem to have it together. Other days, I feel like I am falling apart. It doesn't always feel safe to talk about the falling apart part... Maureen

I remember the turmoil of figuring out the life moving forward within the context of the life that was in the past. John and I also chose a small wedding...but so small we didn't invite anyone except a couple of people we met a couple days before the ceremony. You may find yourself with a bit of sadness, however I think you will be focused on your new life and love and that will color your experience as you celebrate your love. Hugs to you on your anniversary. Days like today remind us that we really don't forget the past, even though our memories can get fuzzy over time. Hugs, Maureen

I think some of the key is trying to determine if people are genuine. I think most people believe that they are. Mobility in our society means that we lose touch with some people over time. This is not always intentional. There are many options for direction in life and all of us follow our own paths. When something like having someone die young and unexpectedly happens, it is a shock to the reality of other people, too. Often, others react to their own memory of the past relationship they had with us. I think that most genuinely want to do something to make a difference or they look inside themselves and try to determine what changed in the relationships they had with us. Sometimes, there are people in our lives that we can just pick up again where we left off. I think sometimes about relationships from college, for instance. My classmates and I went our separate ways to seek out our paths. The distance that occurred had nothing to do with any damage in our friendships. This is entirely different from relationships that drifted apart because of other factors such as differences in philosophy that were too much to sustain closeness. I guess the bottom line is for you to decide if there is any potential in re-establishing real relationships with these old friends. We tend to become more isolated after losing a life partner and sometimes we are the instigators of the estrangement because early in our grief we tend to push people away. I truly believe that honesty is important in these interactions. "Thank you, but I'm not really ready for anything yet" might let people know you feel pressured, but it also might encourage them to give you space and come back again later. You might appreciate connection in another few months. Another option is to actually tell them something very concrete. "You know, I could really use some help getting my yard cleaned up. I haven't been able to get myself to do it." You might just find out this way who is genuinely interested in being there for you. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Katie. Is it possible to get a consultation with an estate lawyer? Legal aid agency? It sounds like you really need someone in your corner. I hope you can work out this scary situation. Maureen

I did it. I finally did it. 3 years, 4 months and 5 days after he died, I finally interred the rest of his ashes. 2 summers ago, when I was about 18 months out, I interred half of his ashes in northern California beside his late wife. I was still heavily grieving at that time, but I felt like I just needed to get it over with. I invited his brother and stepson and some friends who lived there and we had a spontaneous gathering, buried the ashes in a cedar box that was built by a lifelong friend, and then we went back to the home of friends for a shared meal. Today, it was just for me. Neither of us has family here, but this was his home…and then our home together. I never thought that a conversation we had while standing at his late wife’s grave 2 ½ weeks before he died would almost be a premonition about what was coming. I said to him, “We never did decide where we would be buried together.” His reply? “Kansas, of course!” So. There it was. Our decision. Just after he died, I had medical issues, surgery and the shocking diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer. I wanted to be sure that, should the beast kill me quickly (wouldn’t that be nice?) - that our wishes would be followed. So, I purchased a plot at the local town cemetery and I chose a gravestone for the 2 of us. The plot and stone have been there for a while, and everyone who has reason to pass by the unique stone comments about John’s grave. Up until today, he wasn’t even buried there. It is time. I need to leave his ashes here. This was the place he loved, particularly the university he loved and the university that loved him. The university won’t forget him. He has a memorial tree, a day celebrating research and creative activities that is named John H******** Day, a faculty award named for him, department awards for students, and an endowed scholarship. The university has their memorials, and I have mine. It is time. It is time to take more steps forward. My degree is finished. Walking at graduation this past weekend made that seem even more final. I’m packing up my house, preparing to rent it to a young professor and her husband who might then buy it, and I am looking for a job back east. It is time. Big steps are coming. I’m not sure exactly where, but it is possible that in a matter of a few weeks I will be transitioning to a new location, a new job…a new everything, really. It is time. Maureen