Wheelerswife

CherrY, I also found some not-so-positive news about my first husband after he died. I was incredibly angry at that point in time. I expended quite a bit of energy with my anger, including rants and pacing around his grave. I saw a fantastic therapist for a brief period of time because I needed to process what I'd learned with someone who was neutral. I came to some conclusions. One, we all have our faults. Two, there was no good explanation for what he did. Three, he wasn't here to hash it out with me. Four, it wasn't all of who he was. I chose to take him off his pedestal, but to let it all go. I wanted to remember him for the good man I knew he was. I don't visit the hard place these days. I remember the good times with him. There were many, many more good things than bad things. It sucks to feel betrayed. On top of this, you don't even know if it is true. This friend did you no favors by telling you about this. If you want to hash this out more with me, feel free to send a PM. Hugs, sweetie. You don't deserve more pain. Maureen

Okay, Boris. I'm procrastinating, came to the board to avoid studying - and now I see that I have a cheerleader! You cracked me up. Okay...one good kick in the pants! ilya, I admire your perseverance. I don't have a child to raise on my own. I really only have myself to take care of. The reality is I don't want to embarrass myself with a bad grade, so I have to pull this off. Grad school isn't too forgiving when it comes to B's and C's. Off I go! Maureen

Okay, fellow students. I need a bit of a push! I'm just wrapping up the end of my first year of a two-year Master's program in Higher Education Student Affairs. The semester has gone well and I really just have one final exam left for my law class. I can't seem to make myself study. 10 short essay questions...so I'd better know the material. I imagine that there are others here who are in school right now. Is anyone else having trouble focusing? I imagine the situation might be similar for people who have projects to do at work. Maureen

Ah, Captains wife! I'm sorry little J broke his leg! This makes everything harder, doesn't it?!? I know the next several weeks won't be the way you want them to be. My experience with kids and broken bones is that it won't be long before he has less pain and he will be more manageable. Boredom will become the biggest problem. None-the-less, you are heartbroken for him. Hugs to you!!! Maureen

Hi, Alyssa. I'm sorry to have to welcome you to our club. There are some really awesome people here. Connecting with other widows has really helped me get through the losses of my husbands. Some people from this site and its precursor are truly my friends. So...keep coming here, venting, making connections. Maureen

Hugs to you, Alexswife, and your dad and other family as well. I'm glad you had some more time with your grandmother before she passed away. I know she was and always will be very precious to you. The next few days will probably be a whirlwind, and I hope you get through them without too much overwhelm. Maureen

I'm glad you are at the end of your string of hard dates. I'm not sure if it is a blessing or curse that they come close together. My second husband died 5 days before his birthday. I try to see it as having one really crappy week to get 2 important dates done. Does that help? I'm not sure, but I tell myself it does. Maureen

As someone who took the risk and lost my second love as well, I will tell you that it is incredibly painful. BUT, I wouldn't have given up the time that I had with my second husband for anything. He was worth every little bit of what I have been through since his death. As I see it, we have only one life to live here on this earth. I don't want to live my life alone or unhappy. I know I need to open myself up to possibilities. Again. Yes, I would do it a third time, knowing full well that I could be widowed again. Each of us really needs to decide for ourselves what it is that makes us happier. I know we are all different, but this is my perspective. Best wishes, Maureen

I feel in love with the man who became my second husband when I was 6 months out. It happened fast and hard and scared everyone but the two of us. It was truly incredible and I have no regrets. So...this can happen. I know that others have fallen fast (and it worked wonderfully) and still some others where they wished they'd had their eyes open wider. Just remember to listen to your heart and your head. I wish you well! Maureen

Mark, either way, we would probably think about starting near noon. This isn't like a play, where you have to be on time, either! You can walk in in the middle of the show! And...you can leave before the final curtain drops. There is plenty of time to get to talk to whomever you wish. Hope to see you there. Maureen

My first love, Barry. He would have been 60 today. (He also robbed the cradle!)

It sucks, yes. Hopefully the next holiday will pan out much differently...for you, me, lots of us. Hugs, Maureen

I'm hearing that a certain widower from RI might be able to make this bago if we hold it on Sunday, and it will be easier for him if we have it at Kate's house. Does anyone who has their heart set on being at the bago have a conflict with Sunday? Maureen

We have an offer from KPGCT (Kate) to host this bago at her home in Hamden, CT. If we decide on this option, we would stay with our typical pot-luck style where people bring food with them, and in this instance, their beverage of choice to drink or share. There are advantages to this option, the first being a gracious hostess, but also that it is in the comfort of a home and the noise level would be more conducive to conversations. Kate lives in a safe neighborhood with sidewalks suitable for a mid-afternoon walk to work off the food we consume. Kate's home is just a short hop off of 5/15 - the Merritt Parkway/Wilbur Cross Parkway - somewhere near where the road changes its name! GPS has never failed me in finding it! So lets think about the options we have: The winery, or Kate's home; Saturday or Sunday, January 2nd or 3rd. Maureen

I'm not going to be home for Christmas. No decorating for me! I will be traveling for a few weeks, so I will get the benefits of the decorating of family and friends without all of the work. Nice! Maureen

...and every contiguous and non-contiguous state nearby... Rosie and I will be traveling east over the holidays on my break from school and I've been trying to figure out when we can bago while I'm there. I know we won't be able to catch everyone, but here is my proposition. New Years falls on a Thursday night/Friday this year. I'm thinking about the weekend that follows..the 2nd and 3rd. We can go with our old standby, Gouveia's Winery in Wallingford, CT, unless someone wants to host. I'm not in a position to offer a sanctuary myself. (My car won't fit all of us!) For those who have never been to a Connecticut Winery bago, we have a long history of bagos at this location. I went to my first bago there in November of 2009 and this was also the place I was the day my second husband died. I received the news while sitting in my rental car in the parking lot. Still, I've returned to this location and I can handle being there. The weekend of the 2nd and 3rd will be just a week or so away from the second anniversary of John's death. I'd rather be amongst widow friends as I approach the anniversary of his death, and I'll start heading back west toward Kansas after this weekend. The winery has a big open room with tables and chairs and lots of windows to look out over the countryside. We typically arrive around noon and stay as long as we wish...usually at least 4 hours, but people can come and go based on their own needs and travel distances. We bring food to share that is easily edible...mostly just finger foods, pot luck style. We don't worry about who brings what. We have never been disappointed with the variety of things to eat. The winery sells wine, coffee, soda and water. We cannot bring any beverages onto the property. Although several people will drink wine, this isn't a drunkfest. This is open to anyone, and although we wouldn't decline you if you brought your children, I'd say it is more of an adult event. Anyone who is new to bagos or this bago can send me a phone number if they wish and we can connect before you get to the winery and when you arrive. We will find you and welcome you into the fold. So...let's figure this out. Saturday or Sunday? And should we stay with the winery? I imagine that Sunday will be a bigger travel day, since it is a long weekend, so maybe we should consider that in the decision-making. See you all next year! Maureen

Hi, Koryn78, I'm sorry you had to join our club. I received membership over 6 years ago, got my life onto a new and wonderful track and then was smacked again when my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. I don't have children and I can't imagine the loss of that new life that you and your husband created together, but I do wish to send you warm hugs and let you know you have found some awesome people here. And I get the you are so strong line a lot myself. Do we have much choice? Maureen

Hi, Kev, From another one of the class of 2009, kudos for getting past 6. I'm glad the day was okay. I know in my heart that they want us to be okay. The harder part in on our end, isn't it? Hugs, Maureen

Fuchsia, Maybe this can help you. http://widda.org/index.php/topic,7.0.html

Fuchsia, At 5 weeks out, it is still all about survival. You are doing just that...and more...if you are parenting children. Everything you are feeling is very normal. It seems you have support. Let your family and friends help you, but set your own limits if it is too much. Right now, it is all about putting one foot in front of the other. You are probably exhausted after three years of fighting cancer. You will do this. We all did. Hugs, Maureen

Trying, I give you credit for facing this encounter. I think, sometimes, that we all just have to be grown-ups and be kind and civil in situations that are uncomfortable. There isn't any point in having confrontations at family gatherings. If MIL is uncomfortable with your new situation and actually trying to live your life, then she can just be polite. She can keep her thoughts to herself, right? I don't imagine you are going to hang all over NG if you are in her presence or do anything that will make her uncomfortable. MIL 1 eventually met John, but on her terms. She didn't want to meet him in the months before I moved to Kansas, though there would have been several opportunities. This was still less than a year since Barry had died and I respected her choices. After I had been married for a few months and was on the east coast visiting, she agreed to meet him at a restaurant. She actually liked him and she could tell that we were happy. She had another opportunity a year later to meet him, again on her terms, and that went well, too. I saw her the day before he died. He wasn't with me, but when I called her 24 hours later to tell her John had died, she was crushed for me. I hope that you can continue your relationships with your IL's and that eventually, NG will be accepted as part of your family, if not theirs. Maureen

I have committed myself to getting some projects done this week while I am off from school. I have purposeful procrastination on two big school projects I have on my plate to accomplish as well. I purged my kitchen cabinets yesterday and today I carried 5 boxes of stuff to the car and drove it to the local charity store. I'm definitely feeling wistful now, but I know in the long run that I didn't need or use most of what I let go, but it had been used in the past by John. I also boxed up some of his late wife's family pictures and genealogy materials to send to her sister. I'm relieved to pass it on to someone who cares about it. Still, I have a pit in my stomach and can't refocus on what needs to be done next. What is it about projects? Are they about the passage of time, the intangible, yet too tangible nature of life passing by us? Accomplishments, but also having to face what comes next? I'm so ready for this semester to be done, yet I fear the next one, too. I realize I'm just rambling here, aren't I? None-the-less, your post resonated with me today. Hugs, Maureen

I'm glad it went well, nonesuch. I was almost afraid to comment earlier because I had such a difficult time following through with John's wishes and burying half of his ashes in California next to his late wife...and that was 18 months after he died. I still have "my" half, and although I have a plot and a gravestone in town, I still have those ashes with me. Hugs, Maureen

sakeraki, I'm sorry to have to welcome you to this club. The price of admission is way too high, but you have found a band of pretty awesome people. It is still very early for you and it may not feel less oppressive for awhile. The time scale in which young widows start to feel like this hell just might be tolerable - it varies from person to person. I've lived this hell twice and my experiences have been vastly different, but at almost 2 years out now from my second husband's death, I'm feeling like life will be worth living again. There really isn't much choice for us. We motor on forward, putting one foot in front of the other (well, at least on most days.) I hope you can find something that helps you to do just that. For me, particularly with my second loss, time itself has been what was necessary...time to be angry, time to be anxious, time to reconnect with old friends, time to have long talks with people about what is important in life, time to travel, time to be sad, time to cry, time to just be with my widow friends, where I am most able to just be myself. I hope you find connections here with people with whom you resonate. Hang in there. Sometimes, it is just one day at a time. Maureen

Hugs, Jess. You must be so proud of your husband and the work he did and what he stood for. Your experience reminds me of some of the things that trigger me into anxiety and panic. I have similar issues when something comes up that honors my second husband John. I think that these situations...a Lifetime Achievement Award (who gets one in their mid 50's?) or a major event on campus where the day is named for him...these things knock the wind out of me, quite literally. It takes me time to get past them, but I do. I hope that they get easier, because some things will now occur on a yearly basis. I think sometimes, we just need to cry things out. For me, I occasionally need to use rescue medication and just try to go to sleep. Calling out to my good widow friends helps, too. They get it and can be supportive without telling me I am overreacting. It's hard...yes. Sometimes really hard. Keep treading. Maureen