Wheelerswife

Hi, jenni_s. Loving your late spouse never disrespects your living spouse. Sometimes, we grieve, even years down the road. "Special" dates are probably the biggest triggers. It seems that your current husband has some understanding of this. This is just a part of our lives now. If your living husband hasn't been widowed, you might need to reassure him that he is primary in your life...and he is your present and future, but you still had a past and your past has pain and loss. You can't be expected to forget your past...the highs and the lows. I hope you can hold onto the good memories on your anniversary. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, phil, I started seeing a counselor very shortly after my second husband died unexpectedly. I also experienced panic attacks after he died. And like SoVerySad, going to bed at night was awful and is still the time of day I like the least. Fortunately, for me, things have improved with time. I'm almost 2 years out now (wow, almost 2 years!) and although I still have challenges with anxiety, I manage much better than I did in the first few months and year. This is all so new for you. Hang in there. Maureen

Hugs, Mike. I hope you got him the better car. I'm proud of you for persisting through all of this. I know it hasn't been easy, but you shine as his dad. Maureen

I'm glad you were missed and welcomed back. Hang in there. Maureen

Making decisions! We second guess ourselves a lot, don't we? Where did our confidence go? Well, for one, we lost our sounding board. We sometimes like to even think out loud with the ones we love, just to get some confirmation. Now they are gone. On top of that, our whole landscape has changed and we are making choices about things we wouldn't even be thinking about if our spouses/significant others were here. And moving forward? It is more that I don't want to live my life without him. My second husband was also widowed and we tackled this one together and moved into a new life that was pretty awesome. I think for us, we gave ourselves permission to keep living. I know fully that he would want me to do the same again...to live out the rest of my life and find happiness. Its just hard to do that when grief still holds you by the seat of your pants. Eventually, for me, grief has been loosening its hold. I think that time and intentionally processing my grief is what helps me prepare for living my future. Hugs, Maureen

Hmm. I'm going to be heading to the east coast over the December/January holidays. Just saying.... Maureen

Happy Birthday, Leslie. In a way, I'm glad you have your birthday memories of Kenneth. I only have one real birthday memory of John...my birthday was the day after we met. The rest...well, we never really celebrated them much. But today, may you have good memories of Kenneth, and I hope you get to celebrate with NewGuy, too. Maureen

It is so difficult in the first couple of months to wrap our heads around this awful reality. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Tomasz. Nothing is right with your world. It was sweet that you wrote him a love letter. In many ways, his essence is still with you, and I can see how you might just want to pretend that he is still here and give your self experiences that bring you back to when he was physically with you. After my second husband died, I fully immersed myself in his world. I was even given 6 months access to his private office at the university and I would go there just to be with all things John. Sometimes, we just need to do what we need to do. Nobody else needs to understand that, but I imagine that others here get it. Hugs, Maureen

I can't say I've been in your shoes...but I can try to imagine how difficult this must be. It sounds as though you really care about her, but your heart and mind know it just isn't right. I'm sorry you are having to face this. Maureen

I had my own mortality thrown directly in my face just weeks after my second husband died. I developed strange medical symptoms and was found to have a pelvic mass. I had surgery 6 weeks after my husband died and a couple weeks later I found out that they had found a rare and aggressive cancer. At that point, I just wished the cancer would take me out of my misery. Well, my cancer hasn't lived up to its reputation....or at least not yet. There has been no trace of the beast since surgery and I've since decided that I need to continue trying to live like I don't have cancer. That is working...except for the few days leading up to my oncology visits, when the feeling of dread emerges again. Maureen

I've learned that you can't stop people from doing what they feel they need to do. You honored your wife with a funeral/memorial service that fit her/your belief system. I'm glad you did that. I don't know if I could have subjected myself to another funeral, either. One is enough, eh? I hope this new anguish will just wash over you and tomorrow you can at least feel some relief that it is over. This is the time that I would just hole up in my home office and read a lot of this board. Or play stupid games. Or crawl under the covers and cry. Hugs, Maureen

Oh, my...so many memories. Going back to my first husband...he had a way of looking at me with his big brown eyes that told me that his world was never right when I wasn't with him. He was a strong extrovert, and I can picture him in his element, surrounded with friends. I remember how he was surprised at his 40th birthday...we got so many of his friends and all of his family together. He should never have lived to be anywhere near 40 years old, so it was a big celebration. (He died at 53.) I remember the joy he had of just basking in the warm Caribbean sun. He hated being cold. My second husband...memories that are much more recent.. Greeting him when he came home from work, standing on the bottom front step so I could kiss him better. (He was 6'4"+.) Long conversations, traveling to so many places, seeing wonder in his eyes like a little kid when I treated him to a private flight over Denali when we were in Alaska, or when we went up over Mont Blanc in the Alps, or watching him teach poor Peruvian children about the planets and the stars. Watching him teach anything, really. He loved teaching and his students loved his enthusiasm. He could make anything at all very interesting. Having him hold me every night while I fell asleep, kissing my neck and shoulder because he hadn't reached his self-imposed quota of giving me 100 kisses a day. Damn, I miss him. Maureen

I've also faced panic and anxiety since my second husband died (and then I was diagnosed with cancer.) I've come to realize that my biggest triggers are things that make me feel like I don't have control over what is happening. Taking my rescue medication and trying to just go to sleep seems to be the thing that works best when things start exacerbating. But that isn't working for you...and I wish I had answers. Hugs, my friend, Maureen

I'm trying to make myself read 100 pages on strategic planning. Sexy? I think not. Maureen

ssdad, I'm glad you found us, too. I'm sorry you had to join our club. It seems that you are muddling through the early months...which is sometimes all we can manage to do. Sudden loss is such a shock and it is hard to really wrap our heads around it. Keep coming here, reading, posting, expressing whatever it is you need to express. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you, Quixote. Our animals are important to us. Maureen

Sam, I give you credit for bringing this up and talking about it. It is important that we are able to discuss delicate issues in a sensitive way. I have a friend who is prone to depression, but he is also bright, interesting and communicative. We are just friends, though, and at quite a distance, so I can't really say what day-to-day life is like for him and those surrounding him. I was a long term caregiver in my first marriage and I don't know if I could knowingly take on a care-giving role in a new relationship. It looks like you can take some time to decide if this situation can work for you. You know yourself best, and it will be good to get a better handle on this good man's situation, too. Maureen

Rob, I wish I was at a place where I could pull together what you are doing. In the past, it seems to have taken some kind of a scare to get me to change habits, and I would do that...and persist for awhile...until something knocked me off course. I was in the best shape in decades when I met John, but just shy of a year later, I injured a knee and needed surgery and I haven't been able to get myself back on track since. It seems that my blood sugars are always elevated when I have bloodwork in Houston (MD Anderson), but I am also on high doses of prednisone when the blood work is done. I recently had my A1C checked...and it is fine...so no scare there to motivate me to change my routines. Darn. I need something....since will power just isn't my strongest asset. Back to you...bravo for getting out there, and exercising and eating better. Maureen

Hi, ALD, I'm sorry you had to join our club, but welcome. Dementia is an awful death sentence, and for someone so young, it is even worse. It must have been terribly difficult to see the initial symptoms and be baffled at the behavioral aspects. In a way, I imagine that it was a relief to know why your wife had changed, but to then know that there wasn't hope of improvement must have been incredibly difficult. Having worked in skilled nursing facilities, I've seen how people have had to make the decision to allow other people to care for their loved ones, but it is doubly hard when the person is young. I know what it takes to be a caregiver, as I also took care of my first husband for 18 years. I hope you truly know that you did what was best for your wife - and your son - and thirdly, for yourself. It isn't at all unusual to be hitting a wall at 8 months out. Even though you knew the outcome for your wife's life for some time before her death, there is something that hits us when that day finally comes and they die. I have said that I was well prepared for my (first) husband to die, but not for him to be dead. You go home and shake your head and say, "Wow. This day is here." Then we go about taking care of arrangements and the tasks of everyday life such as taking care of your son. Eventually, for many of us, we get gobsmacked several months down the line. "Is this my life? How do I move forward from here? How am I going to figure out how to live my life again?" Well, I'm rambling on...but I wanted to welcome you into the fold. There are several new people who have joined recently that are just as freshly widowed, if not more so, than you. I hope you all can find support here. Maureen

Jen, I try to keep hope. I know that this isn't the right path for everyone, but for me, I know that fulfillment in my life came from a combination of two things. One of those things is a generic category of all things "me". It was my work, my interests, learning, friends, family. The other thing was being in a committed and intimate relationship. It seems to me that I just need both in order to be happy. When I was young, I focused on building my career, and that was great...to a point. Then, I met my first husband and that second component was added to the picture....and then, I was happy. Prior to that, I'd say that I was certainly satisfied and challenged and growing, but happiness didn't really come until I had a partnership. After my first husband died, like most of us, I felt like nothing really mattered much. Even my work wasn't satisfying. Once I met John, though, and we started on our life together, happiness came back to my life. I felt rejuvenated to look at the other aspects of my life as well, and although I went through some confusing times and decided to leave my old profession, I began to build a new "me" component. That process was still quite incomplete (well, is it ever complete?) when John unexpectedly died. I've continued on that process of rebuilding "me", and yes, I'm finding some degree of satisfaction there, but I'm not happy. I don't know if I can be happy without a committed intimate relationship in my life. Well, really, I don't think I can be. My hope comes from knowing I have done this once. I also have hope because many of my widow friends have done this, too. I have a friend Dave, a widower from the old board. We struck up a supportive friendship over a year ago and we brought each other through some low times. He had been widowed four years and seemed kind of depressed, feeling as if this would be his life until he was older than the hills. Somehow, even in my angst and despairing, I convinced him to go to some meet-ups in his area. Several weeks later, he met someone, they clicked, and now they are making plans to spend their lives together. I think...it happened for him, why can't it happen for the rest of us? He never thought he could be so happy. I have to keep hope that someone who is right for me will come into my life. When? Where? How? I don't know. I hope I'm not going to be disappointed. Hugs, Maureen

I had moved before the second anniversary of my first husband's death, and although I sometimes find it hard to believe, I was remarried to a wonderful man by the time the second anniversary of my first husband's death rolled around. I flew back to the east coast to see my first husband's family, visit his grave and see some of my widow friends. The second anniversary of my second husband's death is 2 months from today. I find it hard to believe that he has been gone that long. I haven't started dating yet, although I think about it. It has taken me much longer to get to this somewhat more stable state. Still, I have a feeling I will spend the day alone and probably in tears. I hate that my life was upended and my heart was torn out again, but the realist in me knows John is gone and I have to figure out how to live more fully again. I think we all need to figure out what will work best for ourselves on days like anniversaries, birthdays, death dates. Heck, I approach the dates for my 2 guys in different ways and I'm the common factor here! Hugs to you, Maureen

Ten years sounds like a lifetime, yet there are moments it feels like yesterday? I imagine you and your life are in completely different places than they were 10 years ago, yet part of you longs for the life you once had? I'm sorry that you have such difficult memories about a day that should be about joy, whether or not you celebrate religiously, or secularly, or just in the spirit of peace that x-mas tends to bring to the world, even to those who don't officially recognize a holiday. Anniversaries are hard to commemorate. Period. Hugs...and I'm glad you came back to the fold. Maureen

I've noticed that we have several newbies that have recently registered and I want to reach out to all of you. You have sadly joined our club, but you may already be realizing that this is a club full of some really amazing people who understand what you are experiencing and who want to be present to you in ways that no one else can. Some advice from a veteran who has walked this path twice.... Keep coming here and reading as much as you want. It may seem like you spend too much time here, but this might be the only place you feel validated for all of what you think and feel. There are a lot of us who come here and check in every day...or several times a day. Realize that the people in your same time frame truly understand you the best right now. If you start to follow those people, you will recognize that you start to develop a cohort. This is a good thing, as those people will walk through the upcoming weeks, months and years with you. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone with whom you feel a connection. That connection could be age, the experience of a similar family situation, issues on children, the type of loss you experienced, or a philosophy of life. It can just be that something resonates inside you. Respond publicly if you want, or if it is something too personal, shoot off a private message. When you are ready, consider the possibility of meeting people here through a widowbago. Widowbago is a term that was made up several years ago, sometimes shortened to "bago". Basically, it is any kind of social gathering of widows and widowers. It can be anything from a meal at a restaurant with a couple of people who live somewhat near you - to a weekend of 3 to 40 people at some type of destination. I've met widows from across the country (and some from Europe, Canada and Australia, too) in my travels. There is nothing like the instant connections and ease of conversation with others that understand. If you don't see something near where you live, create your own post and look to see if there is anyone nearby. I have a crew of friends from the greater New England area where I used to live, but nobody in the sticks of Kansas where I am now. But I'm a traveler and I've met widows in a lot of places and I've never been disappointed in those connections. And lastly...recognize that you have your own story and it is important and it is unique and at the same time similar to all the other stories you will hear and read. Your story is important and it is important to be able to tell it. And tell it again. And again. So, don't be afraid to say what you need to say in this safe space. We get it...someone here will relate to the exact thing you have to say. Hugs to all of you, Maureen

I'm a professional student. I think I will move on in another year, though. Lynn, find a career exploration office at a college or university. See what resources they have to help you. I'm glad you have the space to figure some of this out. In the mean time, maybe you can take a part-time home care kind of position? There is a part of me that wonders if I made a mistake by completely leaving my profession 5 years ago. The option of going back has kind of slipped away from me. Maureen

I'm sitting at home, procrastinating on some level...I need to write a literature review for my Research Design class. I'm comfy in jeans and a flannel shirt. My dog is bored....but I must go back to my paper.... Maureen