Wheelerswife

I'm not a parent but I am getting my Master's in Higher Education Student Affairs. We do see our fair share of students in similar situations. Kudos to you for being willing to support her, but knowing when she has crossed the boundaries of your agreement with her. Chances are that she is not yet re-admitted to the school, so she may not be able to produce paperwork. Somehow, she is going to have to figure out just how many hours it takes to work at a pizza joint for her to cover her rent right now. I can't even begin to understand what this feels like as a parent, but as a soon-to-be higher education professional, I throw my support behind you. Hugs, Maureen

Better than being a dumbass. Thank you, twistedmensa! I need more friends like you! Maureen

I had to be a smart ass...

Hi, phil, I, too, experienced panic attacks after the death of my husband. I had been widowed several years earlier and didn't have anxiety when I lost my first husband. I quickly came to understand the experience of panic, though, with the loss of my second great love. I hope, amongst other supports, you can find a doctor that can help you navigate the way through the panic and anxiety. Keep coming here and reading and talking to us. Maureen

Me, too.

Hugs, Fuchsia. As much as we dread the day that they will die, we don't really know the experience of having them gone until that moment comes. There aren't really any adequate words to describe the feelings we have. Somehow, though, we eventually find that we still keep breathing, even though the weight on our chest feels like it will suffocate us. In the first few days and maybe even weeks, we are sometimes like zombies, yet sometimes hyper vigilant - getting things done, meeting deadlines, talking to all of the people who come to a memorial service. I remember feeling like a puppet on strings. My limbs moved in spite of the disconnect from my brain. I'm glad you are here with us. On the day my second husband died, I was actually physically with a group of widows and widowers from this site (and its predecessor). My friends also came back, some driving 2-3 hours, to be with me the day after he died, too. (My husband died unexpectedly at home while I was away visiting widow friends.) If I could be with you in person today, I'd be there, but know that people here have already seen your story and are holding you and your family close in their thoughts. More hugs...as much as I can give. Maureen

M, you've certainly had more than your share of angst in the last 6 years. I've watched as your younger 3 have grown and matured and I knew your oldest offered challenges, the depths of which I wasn't as aware. I hope he finds his way. In the mean time, I hope that you can find the support you need. Not having kids, I can't even imagine the pain you must feel. Hugs, Maureen

I'm so sorry, Fuchsia. I'm so sorry. I hope you have friends and family with you to help you face the next days and all of the arrangements that follow. Again, accept all of the help that you need. Keep breathing. Deep breaths. Drink water, even if you can't eat. Feel this community wrapped around you. We're here. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Fuchsia, as you walk these end weeks and days with your husband. It is so hard to watch someone in the dying process. When my first husband died, I resolved myself to getting him to death's door just knowing he was loved. I didn't want him to be afraid and I wanted him to be as pain-free as possible. I was exhausted by that point and didn't even know it, but putting the focus on him helped me through those hard times. Hold tight to him and your family and accept any help that comes your way if it truly helps you or him. Remember that we will be here for you when the time comes when he slips away. Maureen

Hugs, friend. I know that suburban life just isn't you. I will keep positive thoughts that life can come together in a way that you are happy no matter what shack you live in. Maureen

Hugs, Jess. Even after 6 years, anniversaries are tough. They were still tough in the happy times I had with John. I get it. Maureen

Donna, Perhaps if he decides to resign, he can tell future employers that he recognized the need to change the situation, but job searching was a full time job itself and he needed the time to dedicate to finding something more suitable to his interests and skills. That way, it gives the appearance of working toward something more compatible and creates the assumption that he was searching for something, but needed the time to devote to the search process. Hugs, Maureen

Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry you have to be a part of this club. I will say, though, that you are now among instant friends. We understand. Everything you have said is very normal for our experience of loss. Here, you can be brutally honest with how you feel. This SUCKS in plain English! You shouldn't have had to lose the love of your life at such a young age. I also developed anxiety and panic attacks after my (second) husband died. I never understood anxiety before that time. I'm glad you are getting some help. I found that medication and a kind and thoughtful counselor helped me a lot. For now, keep breathing, drink water, sleep when you can, eat when you can, read here, cry, vent, laugh when the opportunity presents itself. All of us here have survived in spite of the intense pain and loss. Keep posting. We will listen. Maureen

Big hugs, my friend. We will talk soon. Maureen

My brother-in-law for DH2 was more "subtle" about wanting his stuff, I guess. Not soon after he arrived from out-of-town after DH2 died, maybe an hour, we were sitting and having a conversation. Having been through this before, I was trying to very sensitively explain how challenging it is to lose a spouse, to see and touch and move their things... So he says to me, "We should talk about his will!" Me: "He has a will, I'm the executor, and everything goes to me." At least that shut him up. I never did tell him that he wasn't even a secondary beneficiary of his brother's will. I did eventually tell him to let me know what he was interest in having, and that whenever I got to the point of being able to go through his things, anything I didn't want, he could have first crack at. So far, I haven't really gotten anywhere near the things he is interested in. Maureen

Hugs, danidee, and welcome. It sucks. I know you have the holidays looming ahead of you, too. Just keep breathing. I'm glad you found us. Maureen

You have raised a beautiful son. Hugs, Maureen

Love happened very quickly for John and me. We started talking...long, long phone conversations and then Skype. We met three weeks after we started talking and by then we were already in love. Hard to believe, eh? Meeting each other just solidified everything. Part of it, I think, is that we got very deep into sharing and we were both very vulnerable to each other. Our first phone conversation happened because he wanted to tell me a story about how his college/grad school girlfriend had cheated on him after being together for five years..and that experience had continued to impact him 25 years later. We ended up sharing life stories in an epic phone call from midnight until 6 AM. It was a completely platonic phone call...we saw each other as friends, as we had mentally ruled each other out as potential partners. Within days, however, we were realizing we had a much more special connection. I think the bottom line is that each connection is going to be different. I don't know if I could fall in love that quickly again. My history is much more complicated now and I think I might hold back. I've got more baggage and I know it is more to accept for someone new than the baggage I had when I met John. Not only does this depend on personality, but it depends on circumstances. Maureen

...I talked to John over Facetime. It turns out that was the last time I heard his voice and saw his face. He died a few hours later in his sleep. Can it really be 21 months??? Almost 2 years? Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday. It was just 5 years ago that I moved to Kansas to begin my life with him. Here I am without him. My throat is tight. My chest just hurts. I keep getting reminders of the things we did together. University activities, football games, the community rocket launch and space week, the fresh air and blowing Kansas wind that reminds me of the nights we were camping. This all really happened, didn't it? I was really that happy. I was. Tonight, just feeling the loss, the emptiness, the disbelief. Sigh. Maureen

It takes a lot to understand mental illness. It takes a lot to understand that each person's experience of grief is different. I'll readily admit now that I didn't understand a lot of people's experiences with being widowed...especially those that didn't mirror my own...until I lost my second husband and I joined the club of those with more complex grief. Empathy is one of my strengths, yet still, I had less ability to empathize with others in my earlier widowed years. I don't think that you can will this woman to understand that she has these wonderful things in her life...her husband, her children, her home, her career. It seems to me that she is in the throes of her own grief and PTSD and she isn't able to just snap out of it. If you try to think of your friend as having a physical illness, would you think the same way you do now? Chronic illnesses are difficult for everyone, but if your friend had lupus or multiple sclerosis, where you could see physical manifestations, would you consider her complaints of fatigue more valid? I think it is hard to want someone to feel better and to take responsibility for their health and well-being when they just can't seem to do just that. I sit here at my computer and I know that I should eat better, exercise a lot more and get my weight down to a healthy level, but there are things holding me back and zapping my motivation. Grief, anxiety, physical issues, lousy motivation...I've got all of that going on myself. I wish I could be inspired more by my friends who have found their way into exercise as a way of life, but so far, all of my desire to feel healthier haven't gotten me off of my butt. I'm still holding out hope, though! I think that you are a good friend by being present to her children when she can't be there herself. Perhaps in more time, she will have lessening symptoms from her grief and PTSD. In the mean time, hang in there! Maureen

Brenda, I met my second husband 6 months after the death of my first husband, moved to be with him just after the one year anniversary of my first husband's death and remarried at 18 months out. It was perfect...or as perfect as anything could be. I know that guilty feelings can rise up in this kind of situation, but just look at whether these are really your feelings, or some kind of shame projected at you by other people. If you have done nothing to disrespect the memory of your late wife, why not look for happiness? Life is short, isn't it? If you can handle this relationship now, and it is healthy, why not??? I'm now 21 months out from the death of my second husband and nowhere near the place I was at this point after the death of my first husband, but I still want to find that kind of happiness again...a third great love. I don't know if I'm ready for it...I'm not actively looking, but I certainly hope to find love again. Hugs, Maureen

Anyone who knows me knows I love hugs. Fortunately, I have some huggers nearby. This morning I got to have a late breakfast with one of my adopted kids...I've informally adopted a couple of college students who also knew my husband and had the opportunity to travel internationally with us. John's students, some of his faculty friends and my own faculty friends on campus will also hug me when they see me. There's nothing like a knowing hug, at least to me. I've also recently started seeing a massage therapist, primarily to work out tightness in my feet and the mild lymphedema that developed due to nerve and lymphatic pressure in the weeks leading to my surgery and subsequent cancer diagnosis. As you know, Trying, her techniques are not only reserved to my feet. She has treated me much more holistically than the PT's I saw a year ago, who were restrained by strict outpatient schedules, documentation requirements, and insurance policy limitations. So far, I'm happy because I am actually seeing changes. As far as advertising, I realize that you will have to market yourself. Perhaps you will find good ways to say that you are experienced in and sensitive to issues of chronic disability, oncology, grief and loss. Your background in PT should help you with networking. Maybe it helps that I know the kind of work you have done (beside me, many moons ago!) and the ethical practitioner that you are. More power to you! Maureen

Ah, my friend, he will never see the wrongness of his ways. I'm sorry he has the means to continue to torment you. He will never stop being deceptive. He probably wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror in the morning if he could actually see who he was. But you, Tracey, are a survivor. You give me motivation to keep going, too. So...keep it up. I need you, too. Hugs, Maureen

I remarried a widower. Quite honestly, there was never a sense of competition in my heart or his heart. We both loved our late spouses and we were thoroughly in love with each other. There were times when we were wistful for times in the past, sure. Why wouldn't we sadly miss what were good spouses and marriages? Our new marriage and relationship was so completely different than our previous marriages. It would be difficult to imagine that we wouldn't miss some aspects of the old relationships. Think this way...do you miss some of the times you had with an old friend in your life? Why would new friendships that sustain you detract from missing that best friend from a different era in your life? They don't. I imagine that some people who are widowed don't want another life partner. They may choose to cherish what they had and savor those memories and continue living their lives "alone" in the sense of this kind of relationship. There are others who would like to find another life partner. I think that people need to determine this in their own time and we are all free to change how we feel about this as well...in either direction. Maureen

Oh, I am so sorry you lost your beautiful Tomasz! It is so hard to say those words, isn't it? He's dead. Sigh. Really? Numbness can be a good thing, really. It gets us through those first days and weeks. Maybe you can have someone else tell his friends what happened? Maybe you can write it out and have a family member or friend send notes to people with the explanation? Sometimes, though, it is the repetition of the story that helps our brain wrap itself around the horrible truth. For now, remember to keep breathing, to cry when you need to cry, drink water to keep from getting dehydrated, eat when you can, and sleep when you can. Keep coming here...we will listen. Hugs, Maureen