Wheelerswife

I had a similar experience with the roller coaster at 2 years just last week. Fortunately. I've gotten busy over the last two days and I'm back to putting one foot in front of the other all day long. It seems to keep me from backsliding. Fortunately, nobody told me he is still with me...because he isn't. Hugs, Maureen

Well, January is here and that means another semester is starting. I'm working on a Master of Science in Education (MSE) in Higher Education Student Affairs. I have one year to go. This semester, I continue as a graduate assistant in our Student Accessibility Services office. This office works on making sure that students with documented disabilities get the access to facilities, course materials, and testing that they need to mitigate their disabilities. I am also doing a practicum in our residential high school completion program for high-achieving high school juniors and seniors who excel in math and science. I will be advising and counseling these students and introducing animal visits with my dog Rosie. Then I have two more graduate classes...Governance and Finance, and Technology in Higher Education. I will be busy this semester! Who else is in school? What are you studying? Maureen

I'm so sorry. I wish this weren't true... Maureen

Hugs to you! As hard as this is, you are being present to a boy who really needs someone. I hope you can find the strength to get though the upcoming days and you can find the words to explain the unexplainable. Maureen

I'm usually pretty good at sucking it up. This week has just been a doozie. Monday was the second anniversary of John's death. Today is his birthday. In between, I had to go to Houston (MD Anderson Cancer Center) for repeat scans and to see my oncologist. Fortunately, all of that came out well and there are still no signs of recurring cancer. But everything this week just frazzled my nerves. I decided to go out this afternoon and watch our university's women's basketball team play. You know...get out of the house, distract myself from sadness and frustration, get my dog out a bit. But it can't just go smoothly, can it? I was driving into the half-empty parking lot at the coliseum on campus, sun glaring in my face, and all of a sudden I find myself about to hit another car. It was at slow speed, probably 15 mph, but still, as I'm cutting across empty parking spaces, I hit this other innocent driver. I didn't see his vehicle until I was just about in his driver's side door. Fuck. Fortunately, we were both fine and the damage isn't that extensive, but still. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH FOR ONE WEEK!! Somehow, I held it together and didn't cry. We called in the claim (small town, same insurance agent, even) and then I went and watched the basketball game. The best part of the day...our women's team pulled off a come-from-behind win. I didn't stay for the men's game. I just needed some space. Thanks for listening to my rant. Maureen

skytrancegirl, First of all, you don't have to hold it together. Give yourself permission to cry, to scream out, to pound your pillows. Making funeral arrangements is hard, but there will be a professional to help bring you through the process. Bring family or friends with you. I developed a lot of anxiety and had panic attacks after my husband died. You are not alone in feeling out of control with your emotions. We send a lot of virtual hugs around here...so here is a big hug to you. Maureen

Hi, Jazzy. Sadly, you are experiencing what many of us experienced in the first days and weeks after losing our loves. I don't know if it is any consolation to you, but everything you have said is very normal for us. I'm so sorry you had to join this club. Just know that these people here are awesome and we will be here to listen to you and give you support. It is hard to go back to the normal things in life when your world has been shattered. You are doing it, though. You just have no experience of others in this situation. You feel terribly alone. Keep coming here and do the best you can to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take things one day at a time, and if that is too much, take things one hour or even one minute at a time. As much as we don't want to do this ...we do it, because there really isn't much choice. It is too early to believe this yet, but it does get easier. Hang in there! Maureen

Hi, skytrancegirl, I'm so sorry you had to join us here. Right now you are in complete shock. You are stunned. You don't know what to do. I get it...I really do. Right now, lean on your friends and family. Let them help you with anything you are comfortable with. Making plans for a memorial service isn't something you would imagine you would need to be doing right now, but there are people who will help you. You will get through this awful, painful time, but we will be here for you. Advice for the newly widowed: Eat when you can, sleep when you can, drink lots of water. Don't let yourself get dehydrated. Hugs, Maureen

I never post on this thread, but I think I will today. 1. I saw my oncologist today. There is still no sign of recurrence of my cancer since surgery in February of 2014. For my rare and aggressive cancer, that is pretty impressive. 2. I saw another doc today who thinks there is hope to see improvement in my feet. I've had problems since I developed a rapidly progressive neuropathy that led to surgery and diagnosis of said cancer. 3. I have a 3 day weekend to get myself prepared for school to start on Tuesday.

...now a young widow. Sad for her and her kids. Maureen

What can I say, other than that I truly understand. At the same time, our choices are to live with this fear, or be alone. I would choose love over alone again. Hugs to you... Maureen

I'm not even sure what I'm going to write in this post. It is just a few hours away from the second anniversary of John's sudden death and I'm sitting here in more disbelief than anything. I never saw this one coming. My life had turned around after losing my first husband. Not only had I met, fallen in love with and married an incredible man, I had really completely changed my life. My old life was good, yes, but it had also become stagnant. When I moved to be with John, a whole new set of opportunities opened up before me. I no longer had to support my disabled first husband (which I would have continued to do quite willingly if he hadn't died) but I had freedom to do things I never had imagined. I had the opportunity to relax, go back to school, travel, think about completely different subjects, choose a new direction. John encouraged me not to rush into anything. His mantra for me when I felt unfocused was, "Enjoy the process! Don't worry yourself with what is to come. It will fall into place!" So...I did just that. I stopped being so concerned about what I was supposed to be figuring out and I just lived our life day-to-day. It was incredibly freeing for me. I went back to school and was working on a second Bachelor's degree. I saw parts of 3 continents and more of our own country. I was happy. I was incredibly happy. And then my world came crashing down. I still can recall the post I made on YWBB the night John died. I immediately felt lost. I hadn't yet pulled my new life together...and my supporter and cheerleader and my wonderful lover was gone. Could this really be happening to me? Well, it happened. I feel fortunate that I was surrounded by a ready-made widow community when John died. I also had the support of the university community where John taught and where I studied. From experience, I knew that I had to somehow figure out how to keep going. For me, that was continuing to go to school. I had another year to finish the bachelor's degree I was working on. (I still didn't have a career direction, though.) So I went to class 11 days after John died. On day 12, I started to have medical issues that led to major surgery 4 more weeks later. Then came the diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer. (Uncle! I give up!) But I didn't give up, even though I wanted to at that point. Two years later...I finished that Bachelor's degree and I am half-way through a Master's degree. I can see a new career in the future. The hardest part seems to be that he has missed all of what I've done in the last two years. And his life was stolen from him, too. He wasn't ready to die that night when his heart went into an unsustainable arrhythmia while he was sleeping. He had too much left to do in this life. His death was a waste of an amazing and brilliant human being who contributed so much to our society and wasn't done with his work. I still feel the anger over that loss. So...tonight, I recall our last conversation and the day of fear when I couldn't reach him and had to call the police to check on him. Tomorrow, I will go back to work and just try to get through my day. I have an appointment with my counselor, so I have a good place to get the tears and frustration out. This week, I also have to fly to Houston to for tests and to see my oncologist. Hopefully, there is still no sign of the tumor that was growing aggressively 2 years ago. I get back home on Friday, and I round out the week with his birthday on Saturday. I hope this week flies by quickly. School starts up the following week and I will go back to putting one foot in front of the other. I know from experience that this anguish will lift. Somehow, that doesn't necessarily make getting through it any easier. Maureen

I don't have the business mind necessary for starting and running a non-profit, but I support a scholarship fund in my husband's name at the university where he taught. It is managed by the university Foundation, but I have the say on how the money is used. I also fund financial awards for the winners of the university's Scholarly and Creative Activities Day (essentially a research poster session) that the university named for him after he died. But if you have this kind of a background or the willingness to learn to do it, more power to you! Maureen

Hi, Wynne, First of all, you don't have to make an immediate decision. You might feel pressure to do so, but the grave will be there when you are ready to make a decision on the stone. This is what I did. I have a double plot and a double stone on my first husband's grave. My name is engraved on the stone, too. My second husband bought a single plot for his late wife and put a single stone on her grave. Then he decided to buy the adjacent plot. We decided that we would be cremated and have our ashes split between our first spouses and ourselves together. (Our first spouses are buried on opposite coasts of the US.) After my second husband died, I eventually had half of his ashes buried beside his late wife and I bought him a complementing stone there. I also bought a plot where we lived and put a stone on that one, too, for us. My name is engraved on that stone, too. I still have "my" half of his ashes at home with me. I will either bury them here or keep them with me for the future. I haven't decided on that yet. There is no correct way to do this. Just do what feels right for you and the others for whom this matters. Hugs, Maureen

My husband died 5 days before his birthday. January also. I feel like I can't begin the New Year until those dates pass. May 2016 be a better year -for all of us. Maureen

Hugs, Jess! So many emotional points in your life lately! Maureen

It sounds pretty normal to me. Grief has a way of cycling sometimes, too. We get "past" a difficult point...or so we think, sometimes, but somewhere around a future bend in the road it can reappear. For me, reality set in pretty quickly after my husbands' deaths. The first one was not unexpected...in fact it had been anticipated for the entire time I knew him. I went home from the hospital and sat on our bed and realized that THIS was the day I had dreaded for a long time. Although I had been prepared for him to die, I really wasn't prepared fro him to be dead. When my second husband died, I was certainly in shock. I also had had prior experience and knew that dead meant - well - dead. That reality was tough. You are able to work and get through the day...you are putting one foot in front of the other and living this life the only way it can be lived...one day, one hour, one minute at a time. If reality comes knocking at your door in a particularly abrupt way...a trigger, a difficult memory, just plain sadness and anger at the situation...you will do what we have all somehow managed to to. That is just to live through the moments the best way you know how. Keep posting and reading, too. It helps to put words on the scattered thoughts in our heads. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Alexswife. Yes, Alex will always be with you. Maureen

Ah...cemeteries. My first husband Barry was buried on the east coast in the town where we lived and where he has family. My second husband's late wife was buried in Northern California. My second husband John and I lived in Kansas...right smack in the middle of the country. John and I decided we would be cremated and split between our first spouses and each other. I honored Johns wishes to have half of his ashes buried in California with Cheryl. I bought a plot in Kansas and there is a stone on that plot, but I have chosen to hold onto my half of his ashes for the time being. My name is on two gravestones now. I don't know anyone else who can have this kind of conversation! Maureen

What a great day! We had a 14 people come and overrun Kate's house! Ah...just kidding. We had people from CT, RI, MA and NH this time. It is nice to have such little states in the northeast! I'm sorry we had to miss Trying, donswife, MissingSquish, MeAndTheKids, SoVerySad, hikermom, and Captains wife. As usual, our potluck style brought a huge variety of food and we weren't at a loss for chocolate, as we can always rely on rifatheroffour to keep us supplied. We had one new local widower who was brave enough to join in. We didn't even bite him! I don't know when I will be back on the east coast, but I was hearing talk of western and central Massachusetts bagos in the coming months. I guess I'm just going to have to Facetime from Kansas to talk to everyone! Thanks again...the hugs and laughs will hold me for awhile...at least until tomorrow! Maureen

Hugs, crunches. I miss you, girl. I wish I had some advice to give you. Perhaps you can just write to this man who loves you and tell him exactly what you have told us. I know how much you love your DH and how much you miss him. Maybe you can write to your DH, too. Ask him for his support and advice. Listen in your heart for what he would say to you. I have to believe you know what he would say. He knew you and loved you best! Love ya, Maureen

Hi, avarweth, I, too, am widowed twice. I lost my first husband just before you lost yours - September of 2009. Six months later, I met an amazing man who was also widowed. We married a year later. In 8 days, I will mark the second anniversary of my second husband's death. We didn't even get 4 years together before he died unexpectedly of an unknown heart condition. I completely understand the feeling that your world has collapsed....again. How can this be? Didn't we already pay the awful price once? My second marriage was also stronger than my first marriage (which was also a good marriage). I was happier than I had ever been with my second husband. And then...that was all gone. I had moved half-way across the country to be with my second husband. Fortunately, I was surrounded by widow friends the day my second husband died. I was a member of a board that was a precursor to this board at the time of my second husband's death. Today, I spent the afternoon with 13 others from that board and this board...10 of which were with me the very day my second husband died. My advice to you...grab onto whatever widow support you can find. I'm glad you are here, even though the circumstances are so very difficult. The old advice from widowhood still applies. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, drink lots of water. I'm so sorry you are part of this club...with a renewed membership like mine. Hugs, Maureen

Freelancing, YWBB (for those who are newer, a board similar to this one that was started in 2001 and was closed down last spring) was an amazing resource for thousands of people who joined or who just lurked and read of the experiences of others who are young widows. It had some real strengths and a few weaknesses. It was a lifeline for many people and the place where the older members here became acquainted. YWBB, like any human organization, wasn't perfect. I see no reason for you to bring up issues of that board that aren't relevant to this board. I said in an earlier post that the experiences of all who join can be valuable. It seems that you feel that this board isn't giving the heavy handed guidance that you think it should. I'm going to disagree. This is a relatively young site and there are some seasoned members who pipe up from time to time, but by and large, the current membership and the board moderators are managing this place just fine. You seem concerned that there may not be enough support for those who have not recoupled and who don't want to recouple and that is a valid concern. Someone just recently started a thread on that topic and when the boundaries on that thread were crossed by someone who was a DGI in that area, a member spoke up and asked for respect on that particular thread. I know for sure that I was a DGI myself in the earlier years of my first experience of widowhood. I wished that people could find the happiness that I had found, yet I couldn't see into others' experiences that were different. I was gently and not so gently set straight by some of my widow friends. I've learned that we all have similar, yet different experiences with widowhood. We all have different needs, resources, and styles of coping. We all need to be free to grieve in our own ways. We also need to be free to experiment with what works for us and what doesn't work for us. We all need to feel as though we can voice what is on our minds. When I was first on YWBB - late 2009 - the board was less than friendly to wids who were recoupling or wanting to talk about recoupling. I know that I did not openly talk about connecting with polarbear, my second husband and YWBB member, in our early months. It didn't feel safe to me. Perhaps the pendulum took a swing in the other direction. After that, he board may have seemed less supportive of those who didn't wish to recouple again. I didn't have the right color glasses to see that perspective. It may well be true. Still, I don't believe that there is a need for a well-adjusted person who is widowed 9 years to come in here waving red flags and warning of hell, fire, and damnation for people who are young and newly widowed. We have wise people here who have lost spouses to suicide, addiction, and a host of other health-related and accident related causes. We have some examples of widows/widowers who are living alone, some who were successful with recoupling, struggles with raising children as only parents, blending families, and second marriages that were abusive and that have failed. We have liberals and conservatives, heterosexuals and homosexuals, married and non-married partners, all of who have been welcomed. It is important that everyone finds this a safe place. I realize that you were hurt by your DIL's words to you. The problem with your original post is that it was judgmental of your DIL's thought process (and I agree she would probably not have any idea of how she would react to losing her husband) and there may be relatively fresh widows here that have come to the conclusion that they want to date before your designated time schedule...or that they may have developed real and legitimate feelings for someone new in the first year of widowhood. It is not okay that you say things that undermine their very real experiences that are okay for them. The reality that some cultures have rituals for grieving is not necessarily relevant to everyone here. Being judgmental is not acceptable. Stating a concern, challenging someone to think about a different viewpoint, or telling of your own experience with how you coped...that may be quite valuable. This sandbox has stayed pretty clean of crap. Lets keep it that way. Maureen

In a nutshell, people do the best they can given the circumstances and the resources at hand. You saved your children from losing a second parent because your gut told you not to jump in and become another victim. You found assistance nearby. You did everything reasonable that you could have done. You probably can believe this, but you will still question yourself. It is only natural. I asked myself how I missed signs of my husband's heart failure. The reality is that I didn't see any signs, even though I have a medical background. I have had to come to grips with that. Hugs, Maureen

Sunday, January 3rd, Kate's house, Hamden, CT. Come one and all...old and new. Message me with questions , an address or a phone number. Pot luck...starting about noon...ending when we kick you out. Maureen