Wheelerswife

Aspen, I'm so glad you are expressing your deep, deep pain. The loss of what has become your other half can feel like you have been cut off from your very breath. I'm glad you have your therapist today...and that you have your grad assistanceship to give you something else on which to focus. Sometimes, time to think can be our enemy as well as our friend. Butch's friends don't live every moment truly experiencing his loss. They really don't understand and I certainly can't fathom why they decided to celebrate his life in a manner that may have been a contributing factor to his death. Perhaps, sadly, it is all that they know. Perhaps they are drowning their own sorrows. None-the-less, what they did was certainly insensitive to you. Hang in there. Paraphrasing something I've seen elsewhere...so far, as bad as my days have been, my success rate of getting through them has been 100%. The same has happened for you. But if you truly think you will harm yourself, I hope you seek help. We will be here through the worst of your days. We've been there, and as hard as it is, we know it doesn't stay as acutely painful as it is right at this moment. Just today I read a post from someone who talked about taking a step forward in her life...something she never could have imagined when she lost her husband. There is hope...it just isn't visible at 29 or 30 days out. Hugs, Maureen

I just jumped in...

Hugs. Sigh. More hugs. Maureen

Jess, John and I met quite early into widowhood (2 and 6 months out) and lots of people had opinions. I was talking with a faculty member recently who knew John as well as several of his colleagues. Apparently, several of them went to talk to John once they realized I was moving to be with him. They were very concerned about him. John told them that life was too short not to be with the ones you love. Damn. He was right. They realized he had his head screwed on tight and he was okay. (Funny aside...they thought I was much younger than I am...like he had robbed the cradle, too!) The moral of the story: Life is too short not to be with the ones you love...straight from John's mouth. Hugs, Maureen Maureen

I've read this a few times, trying to find words. I still haven't found any that might comfort you. I guess the most I can say is that you know your own conscience. They behaved poorly. They should not have done what they did. You don't have to respond to their defaming behavior. They don't sound like people with whom I would like to keep company. Maintain safe distance. And as far as Facebook goes, I have found that keeping an "enemy" (John's irrational/delusional step-son) as a "friend" at least lets me know what he is up to. Hugs, Maureen

Sometimes, I think we project this onto ourselves. Of course, our beloved spouses would hate that we are sad (angry, anxious....fill in the blank). But the reality is that we ARE sad...and for an appropriate reason! My second husband was widowed himself and would completely understand the range of emotions I have had since he died...including the anger I felt at the universe because my husband was clearly not ready to die and he had so much untapped potential that never had a chance to be explored and shared with the world. If he has any consciousness at all (and I don't believe he does) he would be pissed at the universe himself for not getting the chance to fulfill his dreams and reach his potential...and also that I was left here widowed again. So, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the full range of emotions you have available to you...which means also enjoying those moments that are happy and joyful, too. Sometimes, we are given the gift of positivity in this mostly grey and black time in our lives. If you have even fleeting moments that feel good...someone acknowledging you, a funny joke, the experience of kindness...smile and allow yourself to take in that moment. You will have plenty of moments that feel more despairing right now. Sometimes I think that the paralysis we feel in our lives after losing a spouse is something that forces us to acknowledge over and over that we have suffered great loss, and with that, we cannot just function normally. We can't do everything on our list...because the world just isn't right and it doesn't just go on "normally". We are changed (and in some ways, I feel, for the better) and we will never look at things like chores or decisions over what to buy at the grocery store or what we want to accomplish in our lives...never will we look at them the same way again. We have a new view of what is important, and being unable to run forward, and stopping to reminisce and think about love and loss is a necessary part of learning how to live again. Hang in there. This takes time. I have to tell myself the same thing. Sometimes I can't quite integrate this either. Maureen

I am so glad you got the job! So much of this life is bittersweet, isn't it? I'm in school and changing careers because of the opportunity afforded when I met John, my second husband. But....he isn't here to see me through it, either. Hugs...and more sleep. And just remember that semesters come to an end and there is a break in the intensity. (That is what I have to tell myself!) Maureen

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This. I didn't get much more than 4 hours of sleep a night for quite awhile. I took to staying up as late as I could because I hated being awake in the middle of the night. Hugs...and I hope you get more sleep. Maureen

Just hugs, Alexswife. I'm so sorry about your grandmother. Maureen

My second marriage had incredible intimacy on many levels. Sex was a part of that intimacy, but the emotional intimacy was by far more critical to our well-being, and it connected to our sensuality and sexuality. My second husband and I (we were both widowed) were very different in personality, but complimentary in many ways. We pretty much had it all...a honeymoon that we thought would last throughout the length of our relationship...and it did...all 3 years, 9 months and 23 days...until he died unexpectedly. We both had our own versions of baggage, but we embraced each other, accepted who we were, protected each other from harm and vowed never to intentionally cause hurt. We didn't find this hard to do despite our very different ways of seeing the world. Communication was they key, I think...we sat and talked 2-3 hours every day and never tired of each other. Maureen

Ah, Aspen, So much anguish! I am also a grad student and I work in student support services, in the center on our campus that houses our counseling services. I've had a counselor from the same center in which I work since a couple of days after my second husband died. I hope that you feel you can take advantage of services that are right alongside you. Have you thought about asking to change your GA position? I would hope that folks in Student Affairs would be able to understand that the position you currently have is pretty overwhelming for someone freshly widowed. Then again, you may wish to stay where you are, but there might be a healthier alternative for you at this point. I'll be thinking of you today. I will be spending some of my day promoting the concept of Ability Allies...in recognition of the 25th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act. My first husband had a physical disability and now I cope with anxiety myself. We will both get through this day...one moment at a time.. Hugs, Maureen

I never wore PJ's before. Now I wear the granny kind. Sexy, eh? I'll gladly go back to sleeping in the buff when I find great love #3. One of my qualifications for love #3 is that he also enjoys sleeping in the buff. Maureen

BH2, I haven't faced this kind of opportunity at this point and although I don't think I could do a FWB situation myself, I don't honestly know what I would do given your situation. I've pretty much learned not to judge what others might do. I don't know if there could even be a connection beyond FWB with this guy...so maybe try dinner? Best wishes! Maureen

Hi, Fran, I'm so sorry you had to join our club. So much of what you have said resonated or still resonates with me. I'm not so adept at separating quotes, but I want to address these particular segments of your post, particularly as they relate to my first husband. My first husband was also confused in the last couple of days of his life. He had chosen to forego aggressive treatment (again) before becoming confused, but I feel like the confusion saved him from a lot of fear. A few of days before he died, he went into a coma and was not expected to wake up...but he did. He had no awareness in that coma at all. When he realized that he would probably go into a coma again and die "in his sleep" as he saw it, he was greatly relieved. I don't know if that brings you any peace about how your husband's death might have occurred. I was grateful that he wasn't afraid in the hours before his final coma and death. I also relived his last week and his prior hospitalizations in technicolor, as I called it. I remembered every detail, every conversation, every smell, every sound. We spent our last 2 wedding anniversaries with him in critical condition the ICU, and that is what I think of first on our anniversary. After a couple of years, those memories became much more muted, but I can still call them to the surface if I wish. I think much more about good memories of him now. I've had the feeling of wanting to die as well, with the loss of my first husband and the loss of my second husband. I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just weeks after my second husband died. I just wanted it to kill me and put me out of my misery. It hasn't. I'll be 20 months out in a couple of days and fortunately, so far the cancer hasn't returned and I'm thinking about the future and wanting to be happy again. Many of us feel that sense that dying would be quite an acceptable alternative. If those thoughts bring you to thinking about self-harm, please be sure to seek help. The feeling of being alone is one of the hardest parts of this ordeal for me. I know that there is this great community here and many of them I have met personally and I call some of them dear friends. Still, though, I feel alone at times because all of the friends in the world can't give me the love and joy I had with my husbands. Sometimes, we know we aren't alone in this journey, but we can still feel very much alone. And yes...my life is what others fear. It is what many people here fear, too. But this is survivable. I'm proof of that. Just like you, sometimes I've had to live this life one day, one hour, one minute at a time. But that gets us through. Keep coming here, keep venting, make connections. These folks are awesome. They are the nicest bunch of people you never wanted to meet. Hugs, Maureen

Ah, Mark, I really understand. I live in the house where my second husband John lived with his late wife. When I moved here, I sold my house back east and gave away most of what I owned then with my first husband. My first husband didn't own much, mostly because his muscle disease left him too weak to use anything over a couple of ounces in weight. I collected his things, put them neatly into a couple of nice boxes and moved them with me. Now...I live in a house that contains not only property of John, but also of his late wife...including her artwork. The burden of going through both John's things and Cheryl's things feels very heavy. I've managed to go through some things, but there are areas I just haven't brought myself to touch yet. Some things are quite nice - such as china and other dishes, but I never even used them when John was alive. Then there are all of the hardware and parts he'd saved for years, all categorized, because some day, he would find a use for them. I know that some day, he wanted to putz with all of the things he had saved, trying his hands out at building more things...and he never got that chance. His life was busy from the time he was born until the day he died and he filled those days fully...yet he wasn't finished living, and I still mourn that reality. I'm eventually going to have to give some things away, but his brother and step-son, who are both interested in specific pieces, live quite far away in Alaska and California, so logistics will be an issue there. Otherwise, I will give his/their things the respect of kind handling as I pass them off to the local charity store. I've done this with some "easy" stuff, but not the emotionally harder things. Hugs to you, Maureen

Love these pictures! So happy for you! Hugs, Maureen

Ah, Trying...when we worked together years (and years) ago, I wouldn't have guessed you felt awkward with meeting people, but that was in a professional setting where we met new people every day, but they weren't new friends, but short term clients. I think you are able to reflect on your recent interactions so that the next time this kind of opportunity arises, you will be able to address questions with more confidence. Practice, practice practice. Didn't you recently say, "What we practice, gets stronger?" Maureen

I know that I've had years of practice at this and two "rounds" of it, I suppose one could say, but I just have learned that sharing my story is the way to go for me. When I left Connecticut and moved to Kansas, people figured out that I was new pretty quickly. When people asked me how I ended up in rural Kansas, I told them it was a long story, but gave them the nutshell version. My first husband died, I met great guy who taught at the university here and I moved to be with him. These days, I end up adding...."and then he died" to the story if they realize I'm alone here. It is possible for me to tell my story fairly quickly and matter-of-factly now, if I want to. If the person I'm speaking with is someone with whom I'll be having more interactions, I leave the door open to talk more...at the present time or in the future. The more I've done this, the easier it has become. You are new to a neighborhood, I'm alone in a small university town in Kansas...both situations that trigger people's curiosity and lead to questions. It is your chance to frame your situation the way you want it to be seen. Taking control of the situation, answering questions in a manner that promotes respect for you and your New Guy and all of your collective children...you get the opportunity to present all of this in a positive light....or as positively as it can be with the loss of a spouse. Hugs, Maureen

...is getting married today! I can't contain my happiness for her and Uncle Eric and her three kids. Now...waiting for the pictures... Maureen

Gee...I've found that place, too. Maureen

Ah, Alexswife. My heart cries with yours. You had such a beautiful love and it is so hard to grasp at the reality that Alex is really gone and you are left to live without him. I understand that your wonderful job doesn't bring you happiness. I tried to explain to someone recently that I hope my new career that I am working toward will bring me satisfaction. But...that is not the same as happiness to me. I was happy with John. Our relationship brought me happiness. I hope some day to find a different happiness...in what makes me happy...an amazing and intimate relationship. I hope some day that your heart can find more satisfaction in life...and even real, true happiness. Hugs, Maureen

I find this ironic because we practiced in the same profession for how many odd years...where this was an everyday staple for us...yet we have to learn the lesson for ourselves coming from a different perspective. I learn so slowly.... Maureen

Catnip! You've been holding out on us! I should have suspected.... Hugs, Maureen

Peggy and Fran, I am so sorry to have to welcome you to our club. It is always hard to have to welcome people who are so young and who should be in the prime years of their lives with their partners...life partners. All I can say for any of the new folks is to join in, connect to your cohort of people either in your timeline, age group or whomever you feel you relate...because these folks are the most amazing people you wish you never had to meet. We are here for you. Participate to the level in which you are comfortable. Send a PM to someone if you can relate. Make friends here. This board and its predecessor have been my lifelines. Hugs, Maureen

Thank you for taking the time to tell your beautiful yet awfully bittersweet story. My heart breaks for you. I can place myself in the midst of your story, even though some of the details don't quite match up. Your wife was a gem. Your connection brought you both more fully to life. The loss of her is heartbreaking. You so eloquently speak of her. I hope you can continue to tell your story, speak of her so lovingly, grieve her fully. You have been forever changed by your relationship with her and you are forever changed by her death. For now...do what it takes to survive, to breathe, to mourn. I'm glad you have found us. Hugs, Maureen