Wheelerswife

We are supposed to wash windows? Maureen

Wow, my friend! I am so sorry that your provost had the gall to ignore the positive recommendations for promotion! I know how hard you have worked on your research and I've seen the evidence strewn about your office! I know that this is a full punch to the gut. I wish I knew what to say... I know you recently said that you are seriously considering letting go of your tenured position and making a move that will enhance your personal happiness. Even if this is the case, it will certainly be good for you and your stature to be leaving as a full professor. I hope the fight isn't over. I hope your chair fights for you. What do they gain by denying you this promotion???? Hugs, Maureen

Hi. Maureen here. I have also been widowed twice. I was first widowed in 2009, after 18+ years with my first husband Barry. My second husband John was widowed, too, and we met within months of losing our first spouses. We married a year later. My second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep just over two years ago. I was really crushed. He was an amazing man, a beautiful person through and through, and he was supposed to be my future. We had less than 4 years together from the time we started talking until he died. We had never been happier. There were times that I didn't know how I was going to survive after John died. I had left my old life behind and moved from Connecticut to the sticks of Kansas to be with him. I took advantage of the opportunity to start a whole new life and I left a 26 year career behind and went back to school. I still hadn't determined a new direction for my own career by the time he died and I felt pretty lost. I also ended up with medical issues within days of his death, surgery a few weeks later, and an unexpected diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer. So...yes..I understand overwhelmed. Fortunately, I had and still have a network of widowed friends (and my university community) that have held me up through so much angst. I was visiting widow friends in Connecticut when John died and they surrounded me that evening and the next day in support. Others came to spend a weekend with me before my first oncology visit. I know that not everyone has a local younger widow community where they live, but this online community reaches far and wide and there are people here that I have come to love as true friends. There are some that I feel close to that I have never met. I hope you feel comfortable reaching out to me or anyone else here with whom you resonate. I don't have a widow community here in Kansas, but that doesn't keep me from having friends and confidantes across the country and beyond. I'm so sorry that you lost your second love. As tempting as it is, don't give up. Keep breathing, drink water, try to eat and sleep. I know you are going to feel like crying all the time. It has taken me longer to get to a point of stability after the loss of my second husband. My loss has been complicated by anxiety and panic that I didn't have after my first husband died (after a very long decline). But...I'm starting to emerge and I finished one degree and I am in my last year of a Master's degree now. I didn't necessarily want to live after my second husband died, but I have gotten this far by putting one foot in front of the other. I've recently started dipping my toe in the dating pool. It is going to take some time, but you do know the ropes. It shouldn't be this way, but it is. Hugs to you...I'm here. Maureen

I think the differences between IEP's and 504 plans is that children with IEP's can get specialized instruction, where as with 504 Plans, they can get accommodations. It seems to me that at her still relatively young age, they would want to supplement with instruction in math and possibly occupational therapy for her fine motor concerns. If they think she doesn't meet the criteria for special education (extra instruction), then you might have to find her a good tutor. An assessment by an OT would be worthwhile. It seems, to me, at least, that it is too early to give up on trying to figure out how she can learn strategies with math facts, for instance, but I'm not sitting there seeing the kinds of things they teach at her age. An accommodation might be letting her use a calculator for her math problems or subsections of them. If they are trying to determine if she understands what functions are needed in a word problem, for instance, she can show that knowledge by using the correct functions on a calculator. Some students eventually get the accommodation of using a computer/word processor for writing. Only you and her teachers can figure out when it is time to accept limitations and when and where accommodations make the most sense. Hugs to both of you, Maureen

Amy, I don't know that there is anything I can say, but I just wanted you to know that I read every word you wrote. I would hug you if I could. Maureen

Scammers are people who are out to try to lure someone into thinking they are connecting to a legitimate person. Sometimes, they will go great lengths to develop a "connection" with you. They will eventually try to get you to send money or give up your identifying information. I can spot them because they often have unusual English...like it isn't their first language. They say things in funny, formal ways. They don't say, "My name is George." They say, "I am called George." They don't answer direct questions. I can tell that they cut and paste responses to say what they want to say. I've seen inconsistencies in what is in their profile and what they say in chat. Their profiles may be well written and in normal American English, but their chat has a different style and lots of grammar and spelling errors. I had one guy tell me his name was Pual (yeah, not Paul) and his name on his profile was Tony. Often they approach widows and say they are widowed, but don't want to talk about their loss because it hurts too much. (Ever met a wid that wouldn't tell another wid about their late spouse? No? Thought so!) I've also hear the exact same way that a 50-something lost his wife "trying to give me a child." I've probably seen that 5 times. Exact same wording. I spent some time chatting just to figure things out before I tried messaging anyone - learning the ropes. I don't know how many profiles I have reported...and I've also wasted some people's time by pressing them into a conversation, only to tell them I knew they were scammers. They disappear quite quickly! I've always been honest with people I have chatted with...real people...when I wasn't seeing enough to want to continue conversing. Polite, kind, and I think that feeling has been pretty much mutual and the other parties appreciated the approach. Anyone else want to chime in? I've not been at this very long, but I did spend some time checking out a couple sites long before I was ready to date. Maureen

There is so much I could say, Tracey, but I love you and I am so proud of you. I wish I had the conviction that you have! Hugs, Maureen

MountainMan, I don't have children, and I can't speak from the position of a parent, nor can I really understand what it is like to be raising a child who has lost a parent. I did, however, move a few times as a child, as my father was transferred between a few different states as he was promoted within his field of work. My parents always presented these moves to me and my siblings as new adventures, highlighting the positives of moving and the new opportunities we would have. Somehow, they even got us to like the fact that we moved during high school, particularly because we were moving within walking distance of our new school and that gave us a new kind of freedom to become involved in more activities without having to worry about how to get to and from school. I don't think your young daughter needs to know all of the fears you have about the move, be they your concerns about the relationship working or her ability to adapt to another new environment. That doesn't mean you don't have these concerns, though. You have said that your daughter loves this woman like a mother and you apparently love her as well. We can't know everything about the future. Sometimes, I think we have to take a leap of faith. You seem to be less than happy when you aren't with this woman and you can't take your mind off of her, even when you try. I'm rooting for you to go for it. Life is short. It is too short to live without the people that make us happy. Maureen

Can you explain what it is about Ohio that you don't like? I found my second husband 6 months after I was widowed and 2 months after he was widowed. I lived in Connecticut and he lived in western Kansas. I made the move to Kansas. I will be forever grateful that I made that decision. There are some things about Kansas that I don't like so much...it is a bit isolated and more conservative than I'd like, but I've been here over 5 years now, even though my second husband died 2 years ago. Ohio might not be as bad as you think. When it comes down to everyday life, most of us get up and go to work/school and come home and the kids play soccer and we grocery shop and we spend time with the ones we love. Those things can be done just about anywhere. To me, being together is the important part. I can take weekend trips and vacations out of the area if I need that. I'm so glad I didn't pass up great love in my life or my move to Kansas, even though I was widowed a second time very unexpectedly. Hugs to all of you, Maureen

I moved 5 days after the one year anniversary of my first husband's death. I lived in a house that was built for his wheelchair access needs, in the town where he grew up and had family. Our home was more about him than me and I had no difficulty moving away...far away...except that he is buried back there and it is hard to visit his grave. Do what's right for you. Hugs, Maureen

Oh, Rudi! I am so sorry! I wish words could make a difference. Hugs, Maureen

Very dear friends of mine run a non-profit organization that expends a great deal of energy educating people, both men and women, about all aspects of abusive relationships and domestic violence. They are two very intelligent people, both college professors with PhD's, yet they didn't recognize the signs of abuse in their own daughter's relationship...not until she was murdered at age 25 by her then ex-boyfriend. So...when I see or hear VERY CLEAR signs of controlling behavior and emotional abuse, I'm not going to ignore them. These things don't tend to get better and this type of personality isn't likely to change. While I'm not going to call Shelby's husband a potential murderer, I know enough to see that this situation could get much worse...or at the very least, not get any better. I'm going to speak some truth when I see it. Maureen

I groan.

I'd be mad, too. I was angry after my second husband died...for so many reasons...including being mad for him. He had so much more to live for. Hugs, Maureen

...just bummed out today? In general, I've been doing okay. But today, I am really missing him. We wouldn't have done anything special today, because every day was special to us. I'm glad we lived that way. Sigh. Maureen

Shelby, I know that you are facing significant health issues that impact your strength and vision. I'm not surprised that these are progressing. It is apparent that you need some support that your husband isn't able to provide, especially with his health issues and work schedule. Perhaps your sons can help you in ways your husband cannot. More concerning to me is that your husband is controlling. Many things you mention are very classic behavior of someone who is abusive, even if there is no physical component to the abuse. He belittles you, criticizes how you do things, and he minimizes your worth. DON'T ignore the red flags now. You have already lost your friends and his behavior is isolating you from people that are important to you. If/when you decide that staying isn't an option, please contact your local domestic violence shelter or support organization for advice on a safe plan to leave. People in this line of work will recognize the dangers you might face if your husband becomes angry that you want to leave. Be aware that the danger to people who leave controlling marriages is high in the weeks before and after they leave. You may want to refrain from telling him of your plans at this point until you get some counseling from an expert. Again, Shelby, you are worth much more than to be treated with such disrespect. Don't let your husband's good side blind you to the reality that he, underneath it all, is a controlling and potentially dangerous man. I've seen these situations before. Hugs, Maureen

Shelby, darling, It sounds like you are certainly in a difficult position right now. I can understand the place that your husband comes from. I've been married twice, no children, used to a family of 2 and having my homes to myself (and with my husbands). However, I also realize that should I end up meeting someone new - someone who happens to have children, I need to think about that aspect of family life if I decide to move forward and marry that person. We all know how unpredictable life is. I assume your husband also knows some of your children's situations, as I know about one of them and we have never even met in person. There are bound to be hiccups in life (and I don't mean to minimize the life situations facing your sons) and we have to know that at some point, we may need to cope with them. This could be aging parents, our own health issues, or issues that minor or adult children are facing. I'm concerned that your husband has set some kind of ultimatum with you. You are saying that there are red flags, but some of that is water under the bridge. You are already married and have your lives intertwined. But marriage isn't about power and ultimatums and refusal to negotiate. I'm not a believer, but I do know that there is nothing biblical about taking abuse from a spouse. The death-do-us-part, to me, means you put the well-being of the other before your own needs sometimes, particularly in times of challenge. Your husband seems to be putting his own well-being above yours right now. His behavior is at least bordering on emotional abuse. I don't know if he shares the same belief system that you have, but I assume he does because of the level of your own convictions. If he will not go with you and discuss this with your pastor or even another one who can observe and listen objectively, I think it would be wise for you to get some advice and counseling yourself. Shelby, you, yourself are worth being loved and cared for and respected and listened to and not controlled by someone else. Hugs, Maureen

I'm not really fond of this term, either, but it seems like many other people prefer it over the harsh reality of "died". It doesn't describe the reality of my husbands' deaths. One died after a protracted decline, and the other died quite unexpectedly in his sleep. It seems to be somewhat cultural. I suppose some people might not be comfortable with the term "lost" - but I use that one myself...I lost my first husband 6 1/2 years ago and I lost my second husband 2 years ago. But they really aren't lost...I know where they are. I'm the one who is really lost... Maureen

Well, I guess I'm going to get my first opportunity to post on this thread. I've opened myself up to the possibilities of meeting new people. I've had a couple first dates, nice men, but definitely not the right men for me. They were the kinds of situations where it didn't take long to know that there wasn't any chemistry at all, but they weren't uncomfortable, either. Then there was the guy I met waiting in line at the deli counter at the grocery store. I was wearing a fleece jacket with a logo from my university. He struck up a conversation by asking me if I worked at the university. I told him I was a student. We continued our conversation for several minutes, discussing education...he has a bachelor's degree, a master's degree and an MBA. He had received his first degree from my university, and he had moved back to the area recently. He asked me if I would be interested in having dinner some time. I said sure...and I gave him my phone number. He texted me the next day and asked me out to dinner. We made plans. We met at a local restaurant. I asked him a few questions about his past, where he had lived, why he had returned to the area. He skirted some questions and said he didn't want to talk about our pasts, just move forward. I wasn't having it. My spidey senses were at full attention. I told him that our pasts were a part of us, and I needed to understand where he came from and that I was not going to pretend anyone's past didn't exist. He realized that I meant what I said. Things would go nowhere if he didn't level with me. So...he started leveling with me...somewhat. I could tell he was hiding things. I kept a really calm and accepting exterior, all-the-while becoming more concerned. Eventually, some truth started coming out. He has some level of a drinking problem, has at least one DUI back in Texas, he has been arrested for domestic violence and he and his ex-wife were charged with tax evasion - 7 years that his ex-wife apparently didn't file their taxes. I'm not sure how such a highly educated man doesn't know he hasn't signed his tax forms! He used to live in high society and can name drop all over the place, but right now, he is living in a completely VA supported apartment, gets support from the Salvation Army, doesn't have a penny to his name....and he feels entitled to all of the support he is getting. He managed to blame everyone but himself for his own predicament. He tried to tell me just how brilliant he is - MENSA brilliant. Perhaps he is smart, but he wasn't too perceptive about me. And...he couldn't even pay for his own dinner. I managed to be kind to him and treat him with dignity, but I let him know I wasn't attracted to him. He persisted in texting me and I finally had to bluntly say that his communication needed to stop and I wasn't going to remain in contact. UGH! Dating in small town America! Maybe I just need to give up on this idea. Maureen

Welcome back! Maureen

Homework. Writing papers. Sound romantic? Maureen

Having been in a situation where my first husband was very critically sick - and also airlifted to another hospital for the hope of more skilled treatment - I understand how the people around your niece seem to be holding themselves together. They have to...it is how they keep hope alive. On this side of death and loss, we know more about the aftermath, and that leaves our emotions frazzled in a different way. Hugs, Maureen

Amor, I think I could have written a lot of your post. I moved a year after my first husband died. The home we shared for 18 years was more about him than me. It was where his family lived, and in a suburb, which is not my favorite kind of place to live. My family all lived hours away. When I met my second husband, John, I was completely open to change. I moved halfway across the country and started a new life, really. When my second husband died just 3 years after I moved, I was left to try to figure out what came next. Other than finishing school, I haven't been able to make decisions about staying where I am or moving. We loved our little house. We wanted to live here into retirement. But he isn't here, and it definitely doesn't feel the same. I am also a traveler. I call travel my drug of choice. The good part about travel is that I can escape some of my reality through the newness and adventure and the contacts I make with friends and family. The hard part about travel is that I again return home to my empty house and his absence is so unbelievably palpable and it brings me to another low place. This is really obvious after I have been away for a long time. So...where do I go from here? I don't know. And I hate not knowing. Do I stay? Do I move? Where would I go? I can't decide. Next December, I graduate with a new degree and I'll be ready to embark on a new career. But where do I go?? I hope the answers fall together. I'm tired of stressing over it. I am so repetitive! Hugs, Maureen

I wish I could hug you. I know you are motoring through this and that feels like an empty way to be living life. You know what it is like to love deeply and live fully in the moment and that has been snatched away. I know it, too. I hope that time will ease your angst. You will always carry the love you have for your sweet husband. I realize that isn't necessarily comforting, but I hope that the day will come when it does bring you peace. Hugs, Maureen

I just got home from a 12 hour day of work and class at the university. LONG-a$$ed day. I reached into my mailbox and found a hand addressed envelope (I rarely get them anymore) with a Valentine card with more kiddie Valentines inside it - from a dear wid sister from the east coast. That sure put a smile on my face! I have a Valentine this year! Thank you darling! Maureen