Wheelerswife

Home moping tonight. The weather turned cool suddenly. I don't want to turn the heat on, since the temps will be back up in a couple of days. I agreed to help at a community rocket launch tomorrow...something I always did with John...and now I don't want to do it. This is the time of year I moved to Kansas, to be with him...5 years ago. I just keep thinking...how is this now my life? I'm having a hard time staying in the present or looking forward tonight. Maureen

Hugs, Rob. Michelle would be proud of you and your raising of your girls. Wistful with you today.... Maureen

Yeah.

Back story for those who don't know...12 days after my second husband died I started having medical issues and 4 weeks later I had major surgery. Among some routine expectations, I was found to have a rare and aggressive cancer, called leiomyosarcoma. Fortunately, it was caught in Stage 1, but growing fast. This cancer is chemo-resistive, and research shows that chemo doesn't impact recurrence of cancer or life expectancy in Stage 1 cancer....which for me was less than 50% chance of surviving 5 years. Recurrences are common and to be expected. Fortunately, I have only been under close surveillance with repeat CT scans since my surgery. It seems I'm ahead of the odds, but today, over 19 months since surgery, there is no detectable cancer. I'm home from Houston, ready to put cancer out of my mind until after the winter holidays, when I go back again for more scans. My oncologist is optimistic. Sigh. Maureen

I heard you. Big hugs to you. Maureen

My baby - Rosie, watching a university football game last night. She has really changed my life, helping so much with anxiety.

I saw the picture and smiled. You looked more relaxed than when I last saw you...which was close to a year ago. Nice! Maureen

Hi, Kat. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to. Here...it is all about you. You don't have to suck it up for anyone here. We get it. I found the precursor to this site just over 6 years ago...about a month after my first husband died. I don't know how I would have done it without these people, some of whom are now friends. I invite you to check the place out, read along, jump in where it feels right and even PM someone if their story is something to which you relate. You need a place where you can be real...and here it is. Hugs, Maureen

Not a parent here, but I'm in a university environment...and kids are glued to their phones 24/7. They don't check their email, but texts? If they don't respond right away, your messages will get buried under a list of other messages! Choose your timing for when you know they aren't in class or working at a job for the best chances of getting a response. (And yes, they can't ignore the phones in class either, much to the dismay of their professors!) Maureen

I was also a long term and extreme caregiver. I anticipated my husband's early death for the length of our marriage, as he had a genetic condition with an expected shortening of lifespan. We both knew his prognosis, and that at any time, he could become ill and not have the strength to fight off pneumonia. I would have to say that all of the anticipation (over 18 years worth) didn't prepare me for how I would feel when he actually died. I realize now that it isn't possible to know how you would feel, especially having lost two husbands and having those experiences be very different. 16 months before my first husband died, he became very critically ill, but surprised everyone by pulling through that illness. He needed 24/7 care the rest of his life. We cherished those 16 months. They contained some of the most intimate moments of our entire marriage. As difficult as it is to face death, these coming months can give you the opportunity to connect with your husband, review the beautiful times you've shared and create as many memorable moments as you can. I know you worry about how you will survive after your love dies. I want to reassure you that we will be here. We've all been through the loss of a partner, spouse, lover. For now, though, try to cherish the precious time you have with your husband. Create memories for your child. Make the most of what you have left. I'm sorry you are in this painful place. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Sugarbell. I hear you. Maureen

It is interesting how this day has progressed. I went to work this morning for a 4 hour shift. I have a class this evening. I cancelled everything in between and I came home....and I purged. I've had lots of file cabinet space monopolized by outdated educational materials from a career I left behind five years ago. That life...long behind me, really. I also found old medical records and other documents from a life (lives, really, for both of us) long gone. Much of that was purged as well. It really isn't significant in terms of history. Nobody out there is going to care about anything I threw away. I saved some certificates and our volunteer recognition award from 20 years ago when we contributed to the well-being of our community. But who needs the application to get him on Medicaid to cover his 24 hour care needs and ventilators? Who needs our old homeowners insurance policies? Why am I keeping handouts from courses I taught 20 years ago? I lugged all of this paper, most of it unworthy of shredding, out to the alley for trash pick-up tomorrow. Maybe now I will have some room for my current life's paperwork, and my desk won't be so crowded. My throat is tight, the tears are close. But I know that old life is in my past. I know that my only choice is to try to live the life I have right now. I wish it didn't have to be this way right now, though. Missing both of my guys.... Maureen

Six years ago tonight was the last night I had with my first love, Barry. We spent the night in the ICU in a large teaching hospital. This ICU had been our "home" a few times before. This time, he was clearly dying, confused, but animated. I never got a clear indication that he knew he was dying. I didn?t tell him. More than anything, I wanted him to be free of fear and pain and to know he was loved. I had promised him over the years - because we had had the death talk several times ? that I would be with him as he died and I would do everything in my power to keep him from suffering. Fortunately, for him, they dying process was fairly short. He went to sleep for the last time about 11 in the morning on September 22, 2009 and remained in a coma until his last breath at 6:24 PM that afternoon. I?ve relived his last days over and over in my head in the last 6 years. Fortunately, the intensity of those memories has faded over time and I remember more of the loving and happy times of our life together. We were together over 18 years. He has now been gone for 6. So much has transpired since he died. I?m sad tonight. I miss him. I miss him. I can't help but miss both of my guys tonight. Maureen

Hugs to you. And even more hugs. Maureen

Hugs, Gracelet. I think we all need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do for our own peace of mind. I'm sorry your grandmother is so ill right now. I also recognize that you are facing your anniversary of Elle's death. If your grandmother is a strong believer, she may well enjoy your trusting to her your words for Elle. I do hope your visit brings you peace. Hugs, Maureen

Tim....you devil! Hugs, my friend. I guess you will remember Tim vividly today! Maureen

Brenda, I think that some of us project our better faces sometimes. You aren't the only one who has spent a year basically doing nothing that others would consider constructive. When my first husband died, I took 6 weeks off and then went back to work. Honestly, work was something that I could do fairly automatically, and it passed the time more easily. It was the easier way out. I spent the rest of my time holed up in my house, reading the previous board and staying up till midnight in the chat room. When my second husband died, I went back to classes, dealt with medical issues and surgery and motored through the early months...because that was the easier way out. It was too painful to actually grieve and be sad...I spent time being angry and anxious instead. I guess my point is that we each find some kind of way to make it through the most acutely painful days, weeks, months. Perhaps you are facing more than I faced because you don't have other distractions. I hear how much you are hurting...enough to be cutting, and although I've never considered cutting, I do have my own vices...like eating...that sometimes help me push down my own pain when it overwhelms me. Just wanted to send hugs, and encourage you to use your resources to try, like the rest of us, to find healthier ways to help us through the awful trauma of losing a spouse before their time. Maureen

Dark Rose, I'm so sorry you had to join us here. I understand the anxiety and panic and chest pain. I understand not wanting to have to keep living like this. I needed to see my doctor and get professional help with panic and anxiety. Don't feel as if your reactions are abnormal...because they are not abnormal. Some of the best advice right now is to keep drinking water to avoid dehydration, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and remember to breathe....big deep breaths help for than we realize. And...keep coming here and reading and venting and gleaning anything from all of these people who have also been in your shoes. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs, Alexswife. Maybe you will get more good time with her. I hope so! Maureen

Hugs to you, Trying. At 2 years out I was Beyond Active Grieving from my first husband, and even remarried. At 20 months out from losing John, I'm definitely not there yet. Still, days creep up and can throw us back. I'm already feeling like the 22nd, 6 years for Barry, will hit me harder than it has in recent years. I think sometimes we can use these anniversaries to bring us back and remember, and that leaves many other days to live more in the present and looking toward the future. Maureen

I am so sorry you had to join this club. Justin, Mizpah and Jess have already said so many good things. I will add that I was/am a student as well. I went back to class soon after my husband died. School gave me structure and deadlines and that kept me focused and forced me out of the house to at least interact on some level with others. Was it easy? Not necessarily, but sometimes it helped to keep me from only thinking about my husband's death. Let your professors know, take advantage of counseling options and don't be afraid to come here to read and post to your heart's content. Hugs, Maureen

Mikeeh, What are the rules for teen driving in your state? Are teens allowed to drive their peers? I know some states have graduated licenses. (Or you can live on a farm and get your license and drive to school in Kansas at age 14!) If this is his first concert with friends, perhaps you can impose a graduated system yourself? Drive and pick up at a designated location? Let him earn trust for more "adult" activities? Good luck with the decision-making! Maureen

Alexswife, I'm sorry you are having to watch this process with your dear grandmother. I imagine that the hospice team has told you that your grandmother is not likely to suffer from being dehydrated. I hope you encourage your dad to give her whatever medication is available to ease any pain and suffering. Some people stay longer than others in this final stage of life. I just hope for peace for her and as much peace as possible for you and your dad. Hugs, Maureen

Yeah. I get it. Hang in there, though. Hugs, Maureen

?To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.? --Mary Oliver Sums it up, eh? Maureen