Wheelerswife

1000 more miles on the car. I spent the long Christmas weekend with my older sister and her whole brood, with nieces and nephews in from California, Georgia and Florida. We heard the news that my sister is going to be a grandmother. I did well the entire time. Fortunately, there are a lot of introverts in that family and we would all go to a corner space from time to time and regroup. I was able to keep my anxiety pretty quiet, processing mostly when I was in bed at night with my dog. I traveled yesterday from the spring-like temperatures in Northern Virginia to Maine, where we are now experiencing the first winter storm of the season. I'm now with my pother sister and her family. Rosie was quite happy frolicking in the snow this morning! In a couple of days, I will head back to CT for NYE with good peeps and I'm looking forward to the bago on Sunday!! Maureen

While I completely respect your grief journey for yourself, I don't understand how you can expect another person to follow what you seem to dictate as the family rules. I don't know where you live or what culture you live within. Apparently your DIL comes from an Italian Catholic tradition, and perhaps you do as well, but in my view and perhaps in the views of some others, this feels very oppressive. It feels like others dictate how one grieves. I have had two very different experiences of grieving my late husbands. I met my second husband when I was 6 months out and was remarried at 18 months out. I had been married for over 17 years to my first husband. I am a couple weeks shy of 2 years out from my second husband's death now, a relationship of under 4 years, with just under 3 of those years married. I have only just recently considered dating. I say all of this because I think your experience and viewpoints are valuable, but should not be considered the only "correct" way that widows and widowers should grieve. On the old YWBB, a widow would shame other wids who started dating "early" - both publicly and privately - and this caused some real anguish for some members. Sharing stories and viewpoints is important here on this board, but not to the point of judging others for how they grieve and when they choose to renter the world of new relationships. Respectfully, Maureen

skipd and Helena, Welcome to our club...some incredible people, who, like you, had to pay an awful price to join. I hope you feel welcome. Please remember to be kind to yourselves. Feel free to tell your story in a safe place, to vent, scream, cry and even laugh here. Eat when you can, sleep when you can, drink plenty of water, take any help that is offered to you. Now is the time when life is about you and your kids. Remember that this is your grief...and therefore your rules. We each process our losses differently. If you feel good about something, then do it. There is no widow handbook, but a lot of experiences that you can read here and apply to yourself if they circumstances fit. Hugs. Maureen

MS, we will take you without the mac and cheese muffins! Maureen

I know that I never expected to fall in love with someone new at 6 months out. But it was so right for both of us and no disrespect for our late spouses. I was, however, as tactful as I could be with my late husband's family. It sounds to me like your DIL has spent some time contemplating how she might react if she was faced with being widowed. She thinks she would react differently than you have. She really cannot know until she lives it. I didn't know how I would react the second time, and I had been through widowhood before. Your DIL's error was that she didn't choose the right audience for her revelation. I hope you can get past this transgression with your DIL. All of us who are widowed make decisions based on what is right for us as individuals after losing a spouse. I hope she is old and on a walker before she ever has to cope with losing your son. Maureen

I don't think that Christmas will ever be "normal" again. I don't think I will ever complete grieving. Holidays celebrations evolve over time whether we ourselves fly the coop and start out on our own, move away, lose a spouse or parent or child or all of the above. I know that some people seem to be able to adjust more easily than others. This is my 7th holiday season without Barry and my second without John. I spent my first Christmas completely alone after my first husband died. That was a whole lot easier than how I had spent Thanksgiving with some family who completely ignored the reality that my husband had died 2 months earlier and it was his birthday. Last Christmas, my first without John, was spent with my parents. That was miserable, too. This year, I will spend Christmas in Virginia with my older sister and her 3 adult children who are coming in from California, Georgia and Florida. There will be a total of 10 of us, including my sister's IL's. I think I will be okay. I will be here a total of 6 days. We will only have 10 people on the last 2 days, and I will stay in a hotel for the last 2 nights. Fortunately, there are some introverts here now and people are good about respecting others' space. I've already discussed with my sister and niece my concerns about getting overwhelmed by too many people. That was well received. Sigh. Good sigh. I will spend the long New Year's weekend with widow friends in Connecticut. We will end the weekend with a bago. Then I will hit the road and head west. All-in-all, I think I will be okay. It helps that I'm not going to be in places where holidays were celebrated with my husbands. Hugs to everyone. Maureen

I see that there have been threads recently addressing different aspects of how our cohort has lived after losing a spouse at a young age. After I lost my first husband, I recoupled very early. I was 6 months out when I met my widower second husband. He was only 2 months out when we connected. We also had a long-distance relationship at first and decided to close that gap as quickly as we could. We hated being apart. I moved to be with him 6 months after we met, and we were married at 18 months out and 14 months out. We had an incredible marriage that sadly only lasted less than 3 years, with less than 4 years together. He died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. My experience of the second loss has definitely taken me more time to process. I find it intriguing that at this point after my first loss, I was already remarried. In the spirit of offering some balance, especially to newer wids, I think it would be good to tell other stories of early recoupling, both successful experiences and not-so-successful. There is such a variety of people here and I know that others must be asking themselves questions about what they want and how to process the feelings they have, whether it is that they have feelings for someone early out or if they don't want to find another partner...or not yet. Lets tell some more stories. Maureen

I can certainly understand your sense of violation. I don't have children and in many ways I don't have the same understanding that parents would have of wanting to provide a roof over the head of an adult child or a young grandchild, but I can project myself far enough to understand why you have opened your home to your daughter and her family. She has violated your space, your possessions and your good will. Her husband does seem controlling, at least from what you have said in previous posts. She may feel as if she cannot go against what he tells her or what he does. I'm not sure what the best course of action is here, but I really do think that you need to let them know they are no longer welcome to stay. You seem to have to fend for yourself in spite of your disabling conditions, so they are adding to your angst rather than helping you. Hang in there...you at least have moral support from me! Maureen

Day 8 of my road trip. I have covered over 2000 miles and I've visited some widow friends and a lot of family so far. Fortunately, there is more fun to come. I've gotten past seeing my parents...my father has been one of the biggest thorns in my side, so I am grateful that I got through that visit fairly unscathed. His 89th birthday is in a few days and I see his mind slipping. Somehow, this has made him easier for me to tolerate. I also got to visit one of my uncles who was widowed this past April. I also saw his kids, who are around my age. My uncle is in a new relationship with a widow who is about a year out. I also met her. She seems lovely and they seem happy. I talked a little with one of my cousins, who was a little shocked about how quickly this relationship has blossomed. I told her that my relationship with John had blossomed even more quickly than her dad's relationship. She is okay with the situation...it just took a little bit of time to wrap her head around the idea. My uncle had been a caregiver for his wife, who died of complications of Alzheimer's at a fairly young age of 76. He does look very happy. I'm happy for him. Today, I had the opportunity to have some time with our very own hikermom and her daughter. The relatively mild New England December let us get our hair blown in an outdoor mall before enjoying some good soup and a sandwich. Isn't it the little pleasures in life that make such a difference? I'll be seeing more of you folks over the next couple of weeks. I can't wait to get more widow hugs! Maureen

It seems that you are the one who needs to vent. You offer no help to me whatsoever in this situation. I'm truly widowed - dictionary definition - twice. I have empathy for those who may feel slighted by your need to be correct. Maureen

I have no idea why, in this venue, you bothered to bring this up. It seems like it was just to instigate. Maureen

I don't think most of us would be any less devastated if we had lost our spouses before we had a ceremony. The sentiment still fits. I would hate for anyone here who didn't have the opportunity to get married to feel any less welcome to be a part of our "club" because someone couldn't extend the use of a term to someone who didn't fit the exact dictionary definition. Being widowed young is isolating enough in and of itself. Those unfortunate enough to lose a partner before marriage (or those who hadn't been allowed to marry legally) have enough with which they have to cope from family and friends who get the opportunity to dig at their emotions with the "at least they weren't married yet" sentiments and the lack of control over joint possessions and personal space. So lets not get technical on a definition of "widow" here... Maureen

I live in northwest Kansas. I don't know of any younger wids anywhere near me. I used to live in Connecticut. Since I have the travel bug, I go back to the east coast sometimes and we try to round up members for some socialization when I'm out there. It just so happens that we are getting together Sunday, January 3rd. I'm sure that my old colleague Trying can fill you in, ladybug. She and I used to work together in the 1990's. It is a small world. I've also met widows in my travels from coast to coast and I even met a couple of wids when I went to Australia a few years ago. Maureen

I finished the semester (and got the grades I needed) and I'm off tomorrow morning, heading back to the east coast. I'll get to see all of my family - parents, siblings, their significant others, nieces, nephews, their significant others, MIL1, and some friends, too. AND...I get to see some wid friends! I'm ready for the break. It has been a good semester. I started out wondering how I would get through everything, but my brain seems to be screwed on a little tighter these days, and I managed to get through everything that was thrown at me. I also spent a lot of time alone this fall and I think I needed the time to let the summertime sadness lift. I'm feeling more focused on the future and that feels good. Yesterday marked 23 months since John died. Sometimes I can't believe it has been that long, but sometimes it is clear to me that much has changed since he died. I'm glad he is still remembered fondly for his mentoring, leadership and collaboration at the university. Recently, a faculty member giving a speech in acceptance of a research/scholarship award mentioned John's influence on him and his career. I listened without tears. Somehow, I have made it through the worst of times and I can now smile more than I cry when my mind turns to John. So...I may not have as much time to read and post as I venture out in the next several weeks. I encourage anyone who can make it to come and bago in Connecticut the Sunday after New Years. ("Bago" is now a verb!) I'll be grateful to see the people who have walked with me through the loss of two wonderful husbands. Adios, Kansas! I hope the east coast is ready for me! Maureen

Beautiful, Donna, as is your lovely niece. I know she was widowed much too young and shortly after you lost Mick. You (and your family) have been a great support to her. Maureen

SimiRed...next time you have to drive him to school, make sure your hair is a mess, you haven't showered, and you are wearing pajamas and a bathrobe. Get out of the car and kiss him goodbye! I can picture J right now...the eyeroll and the look that would kill! (And in all seriousness, I'm not advocating embarrassing anyone's kids or yourselves. I've met some of these kids and I know what great kids they are. I just hope that someone cracked a smile at the suggestion!) Maureen

Okay. It looks like this bago is going to be at Kate's house in Hamden, CT on Sunday, January 3rd, starting at noon or so. No particular ending time. Kate says you can stay till midnight. (No, she really didn't say that.) Pot luck, bring whatever floats your boat. Bring your own special beverages. PM me for the address and my phone number if you need or want that, too. I hope that everyone will be able to make it! New and old, all are welcome. Can't wait to see everyone! Maureen

Congratulations, Mimi. Maureen

I had a lot of anger after my second husband died. This wasn't supposed to happen to me again! I was angry for my husband, who had so much more to do in this life. He hadn't wasted a moment of time. He was a truly brilliant mind and a great teacher. Not only did I lose him, but his colleagues and his students lost him. Anger kept me from feeling the depth of sadness in the early months. Add anxiety to anger, and I believe that sadness was pushed away almost a year and a half. It wasn't until this past summer, when my anger and anxiety were fairly well managed, that the sadness really set in. I sat in that sadness pit and really felt it. I think I just needed to do that. Since the end of the summer, I feel that I have gradually pulled myself out of that pit and I'm feeling like I want to live and breathe again. With the anger dissipated, I swear a lot less! I think we hit different "phases" at different times. Some of us don't hit them all. Anger, angst, whatever...they all hurt and it would be nice if we didn't have to cope with them. It is hard when we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes that tunnel isn't even that long, but it still feels endless. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome, Scott. I hope nobody ever worries about their grammar and rambling words on here. I think I've been posting off and on for a long time with the word "ramblings" in the title of my posts. We have to have some place to express what runs through our heads...in a place where people won't look at us as if we had two heads. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Renee. I know it feels like this is never going to get better, but my experience is that it does. I've lived this nightmare twice now. My experiences have been very different. My first husband died after a relatively long marriage with a long and slow decline in health and a predicable death. My second husband died suddenly after a short marriage and I was really crushed. It has taken me much longer to feel like I am getting my feet under me after my second husband's death. Each of us is going to have similar, yet different experiences. I hope for you that the oppressive sadness can begin to lift. I know that I'm too young to just finish living out my life without a partner to share whatever time I am going to have on this earth. In time, I hope to find another great love. Not everyone wants this, but I do. I think we need to keep hope that we will be able to find joy in life again. We will always be changed by loss. We see the world through a different lens. It isn't all bad. I know that I appreciate some things more deeply and sincerely for what I have been through in my life. Hugs to you, Maureen

That's how many members we have now. I'm glad that so many people have found us, but sad that they all had to join this club. Maureen

Pathology....I studied that about....ummm....over 30 years ago. Good luck with your exam! Maureen

Hugs to you, Mark, on Catherine's birthday. I hope you feel good about the way you remembered her. Maureen

Good for you, Quixote! I've been hoping you would find your groove with flying again! And congrats on the reward! Maureen

I pushed through and got it done. The exam was online and took me 2 1/2 hours. It isn't graded yet, but it is done. YAY! Thanks for the support! Maureen