DansSoulmate

Absolutely feeling this huge gap in my life today as my oldest daughter is in labor right now with our first grandchild. I'm going to really miss seeing the look of love on his face I saw when he held both of our daughters. It's been a tough week, his birthday yesterday and grandson's birth today. I'm a mess but trying to keep it together.

Today is Dan's birthday and rather than a picture of him I thought I would post his version of a card on this weepy Monday. Yes, it's a shop towel, folded, held together with duct tape and containing his scribble. But, it's my most favorite item in the house as it represents some really great memories and makes me smile every time I look at my desk.

Hi, this description of grief has been going around Facebook and I can so relate to it, so I thought I share it here: ?My friend just died,? he wrote, ?I don?t know what to do.? A stranger replied: I?m old. What that means is that I?ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I?ve known and loved did not. I?ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can?t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here?s my two cents? I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don?t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don?t want it to ?not matter?. I don?t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can?t see. As for grief, you?ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you?re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it?s some physical thing. Maybe it?s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it?s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don?t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you?ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what?s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything?and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it?s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O?Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you?ll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don?t really want them to. But you learn that you?ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you?ll survive them too. If you?re lucky, you?ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. coped from: http://lifeasawidower.com/2015/08/11/crashing-waves/

This week I'm missing how he could handle things with so much more grace than the lunatic I become under stress and intense pressure. It's the kind of maturity I hadn't ever encountered and it's becoming painfully obvious now how rare that is to have that kind of confidence from an early age.

Let me know if I can answer any questions you might have about North Carolina. I worked for UNC-G for several years and had the pleasure of travelling around the state as a development officer. My children received a wonderful education in Greensboro due to the wide variety of magnet and early college options. And the Apex area schools, where I'm headed, are absolutely fabulous. Asheville and Boone are great towns as well. Good luck!

Good for you for thinking about moving and taking a leap of faith. I love Colorado too but need to be near the beach (my happy place) so have opted to relocate within the state of North Carolina. I know the teacher salaries arent competitive here but I wouldnt live anywhere else. I did an enormous amount of research before we relocated 18 years ago when I was working in higher education administration and have never regretted it. We have beautiful mountains and beaches within a few hours drive. My only challenge has been dealing with how competitive the housing market is in the Raleigh area. But best wishes to you on whatever you decide! As others have said, life is short so go for it!

Sorry for this heartbreak and pain in your journey but I agree with Virgo in that people happen to come into your life for a reason. Although in this case, I'd say karma will take care of him!

Sand and Water by Beth Nielsen Chapman written after her husband passed from cancer:

I wanted to share that I too was a little scared about what was inside the box but as Carey said it's a rather fine white dust. We've done a number of things with Dan's ashes but all in keeping with what he asked and then added a few things that I thought he would want. During his memorial service my two daughters and I spread some of his ashes in a V shaped trench/dug out area (v-twins, he was a harley mechanic) in our backyard. I let a really good friend lead the toast but little did i know he would turn around and pour some on Dan's ashes. Sorry if some feel that's bad, but it was totally Dan...we laughed and knew that's how he would have wanted it..not too serious or sad. Since then he has been taken to the beach after the sunrise service on Easter (it was windy) so even with my best efforts some did get on the leg of my pants but it lightened the seriousness of the moment. And he took a ride with his best friend on his motorcycle to Tail of the Dragon and back to where he (and I) grew up. I'm going to keep taking him with me wherever I go for a while since I have quite a bit left. So for me it's not really closure as much as perhaps a way of keeping a part of him with me to share in my travels to places we wanted to go together and to be with me for happy moments.

I'm sorry this happened and that's why I have stopped following almost everyone on Facebook from the past life. I didn't want to unfriend..just don't really care what others are posting except for a few who post items that make me laugh or are uplifting. This 4th was the first without Dan in 35 years so I made my own plans and have started some new traditions. But, no doubt people are clueless..narcissistic..ignorant....I could go on and on. Until they have to walk this path they will never understand.

Yep, and I think about how many times I didn't make plans because there would always be tomorrow or it cost too much, etc.. But I am actually finding myself smiling thinking about this time last year when I was getting everything ready for us to go to the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone. I have wonderful memories from that trip that will last a lifetime for me but it would have been great to have more. Hope other folks can reflect on their own happy July 4th memories and it brings a smile!

I agree, make a list and ask for help. Dan's friends have been wonderful and have responded quickly to every request. With regard to the estate, I'm not an attorney but did want to offer some thoughts from my experience. To my knowledge every state can (will) be different when someone passes without a will but in my state (North Carolina) the county has an estate department and they were very helpful even though Dan had a will but some assets were titled solely in his name. In my experience items that had a beneficiary designation did not pass through the estate and there was an estate asset value threshold whereby the estate didn't have to be probated. Again, I"m not an attorney, but you may need to be named the executor and get letters of testamentary but check with the estate department or maybe someone in your church can be of assistance. One word of caution on hiring an attorney, though, if one is needed, rates can vary and be sure you understand their billing practices. You are doing great to handle these things so early. In my case it helped me to bring some level of control over a highly chaotic experience. I was lucky in that both the funeral home and the donation services organization provided me with a wonderful checklist of next steps from both a financial and emotional perspective. Take care!

I agree we are all different and, while we can learn from one another, it's really a highly personal choice in when, who and how you go about expanding your circle of friends (or more). But, I'm a firm believer that every person who has come into my life since Dan's passing is there for a reason. Personally I keep my eyes (and heart) open for those growth opportunities and believe something really good will come from it. Best wishes to you in this difficult journey.

I agree there are just too many things I miss to list, but mostly it's the amazing loving partnership and connection we had for such a long period of time. I especially miss trying out new things and laughing/having a story to tell when it didn't quite work out. I also miss quiet moments just being in the same room, not saying a word but having his presence here. And, lately I miss the constant flurry of activity in his shop and how dead the building feels (unrecognizable actually) as there is only one last piece of equipment left and it will get a new home on Saturday. On Saturday it will be 9 months for me and I can hardly believe it as there have been so many changes to deal with and more to come.

Exactly Fairlanegirl, and why on Earth are people so interested in our romantic lives? They really need to go get a life of their own. And, I'm sorry but, in my opinion, there isn't a substitute for having someone special in your life to just spend quality time with and share some laughs. Money alone will never bring you that level of joy at all (again, my opinion).

I completely agree about the ignorance of SS going to the government if you remarry and it most definitely should be part of the deceased's estate, like any other asset. This is essentially a forced savings plan and goodness knows when Dan and I were first married and raising two daughters our finances were constantly strained because of it. I, for one, am not willing to give that up as Dan had paid into it from the time he was a teenager working for his dad's construction company all the way up to last year when he passed. I will definitely wait to turn 60 to decide to remarry (or not) but I totally understand the reasons others have given to remarry. Again, I believe this is another one of those totally personal decisions after looking at your own individual situation.

So, I definitely have a type and have intentionally reached out to those that match it. In my opinion, sending an email/flirt/quick note is harmless out there in cyberspace, so I say if your interests match, go for it and if he looks like your DH, bonus! Who knows, you might really hit it off or if he doesn't respond, no loss. I'm of the opinion that anything that happens on the site should never be taken personally, brush it off and move on. I say cast the net wide and see what happens. Good luck and go for it!

Beautiful! At the beginning of May I sold Dan's Harley to his best friend from our hometown and when he rode it up to the house and stopped a hawk flew overhead really low between the trees and the house...we had to duck. He said the same thing happened to him when dan and him were riding after another friend passed. Totally believe it's dan's way of showing his approval

Hi, I just wanted to add my congrats and wish you well in your new job as well as the decisions in moving forward that you will make on your own timeline. I currently have my house on the market, am decluttering like crazy, crying alot in the process when I run across momentos/pictures but am staying strong through it all. My advice is to take it one step/day at a time as I hadn't factored in the amount of work it takes to get a house ready for sale while continuing to struggle to keep it maintained. Best of luck to you!

Hi, I just put my house on the market because I simply can't keep up with it and (as someone else described on another post) my house truly terrifies me. When it sells my plan is to move about an hour and a half away and rent for a year to decide where I want to live longer term. I had considered just buying another place but honestly I feel like I've been endlessly running a race since Dan's passing and need time to really recover, reflect and re-evaluate my options. Best of luck in your decision!

Wonderful advice and best of luck to everyone who is moving, considering moving or has moved. I am in the early phase of "declutter" while simultaneously hiring/managing folks to do some updates for listing my house and it's emotionally draining, particularly opening up boxes and sorting through all these amazing memories. While friends celebrated this weekend with cookouts and camping I was sitting in my living room bawling when I found (and then put on - yes it fit) my letter jacket from high school (great memories, for sure). But, like everyone on this board, I am finding that I am stronger and braver then I ever thought and am committed to getting through this to see what lies ahead. Hugs to everyone!

I did lots of reading on this subject (crazy, I know) and there isn't a right answer, again it's another one of those highly personal decisions. But, in my case, I moved the engagement ring to the ring finger on my right hand several months out but I had worn my rings for so long i literally have a permanent indentation on my left ring finger. So, I guess I'm marked for life

Thanks so much for the great input and it's wonderful to know I'm not alone in this crazy world I find myself in having to make huge decisions like this basically by myself. As someone said, this house truly terrifies me. So, next week I'm having a real estate agent come out to start the process of listing it as I have finally decided I can't maintain this by myself. Like others, I'm not good at asking for favors or help, can be very impatient and it seems like I'm at the mercy of everyone, rather than having someone to "nag". Yes I do feel like I'm giving up a little and may not necessarily feel his presence where ever I end up but from a practical perspective the market is descent, the house is in good shape (except for a few items I'm addressing in the next couple weeks) and I need to be in town not out here in the middle of no where. It's a frustrating place to be because I begged him to list it several years ago (almost signed a contract to list) because I had a strong feeling it would become too much for us. But he absolutely couldn't part with it then so he has left it up to me, I guess. My plan is to list it for 90 days to start and see what happens. Plan B is to rent it out or at least rent a room. There isn't a day that goes by, though, that I don't wish for my old life back..ya know..the one where I'm sitting here in front of this screen planning our next trip while drinking a glass of wine :'(

So, I've been listening to the Disney radio channel today because it brings back good memories of when my girls were little. And, who knew a song from Pocahontas, "Where Do I Go From Here", would sum up what I've been thinking today But where do I go from here? So many voices ringing in my ear Which is the voice that I was meant to hear? How will I know? Where do I go from here? My world has changed and so have I I've learned to choose And even learned to say goodbye The path ahead's so hard to see It winds and bends but where it ends Depends on only me In my heart I don't feel part of so much I've known Now it seems it's time to start, A new life on my own

Hi, lately I have been feeling outrageously overwhelmed with the upkeep and maintenance of this house as well as property to the point that I am losing sleep over it. So I have started to build a list of pros and cons on whether I stay here or not. I know it's early (7 months) but I barely made it through the fall with millions (it seemed) of leaves everywhere, a frozen well and then winter with the snow/ice basically preventing me from reaching the main road. Now it's a roof and gutter replacement and an enormous amount of mowing which Dan did several times a week. I am realistic in that I just can't keep this up by myself and am hiring out as much as I can but that's expensive so not a long-term solution. This property and house were Dan's dream but it has truly become my nightmare. So, I wanted to ask the community, if you downsized, how did you make that decision and are you happy you did?