Mrskro

Can we get the Like button back?? ;D

I had it when I was 16 during the summer and the start of school. It took about 6 weeks to be back to school full-time, 8 weeks before I was feeling about 100% and back to sports full time. As for school, I went 1/2 days for at least 3 weeks. The school/my parents I don't remember set it up that I hit each class at least twice a week so I didn't fall behind, so I went erratically, sometimes in the morning, sometimes mid day etc. I feel for him, I hated it. My doctor recommended the same, rest, fluids and movement. It's a vicious circle, the less active you are the more you don't want to do anything. My dr had me eat meals sitting at the table, not just resting in bed, move from the bed to the couch and sitting up. I remember moving from my room to the living room felt like the hardest thing in the world. That being said, if you are worried I'd trust yourself and probably go back to the doctor, there can be complications.

My daughter was 14 and my son 12 when my DH also passed from sudden cardiac arrest. My 12 yr old was all for going to group counselling, my daughter adamantly against it or any therapy. Unfortunately, the group session was almost half way through when we tried to get my son in and didn't start up again for 6 months. By the time the 6 months had passed, he no longer wanted to attend. My mother passed away when I was a teen and I watched my father force my brother into therapy, it was a disaster, putting a huge strain on their relationship that never actually healed. We did sessions together, sessions apart and my brother (he was 13) fought it ever step of the way. I spoke with a few counselors for my kids and came to the conclusion forcing them wasn't the right way to go. We are now 2 years out, both kids have made the honour roll at school, are active in sports and their communities, both volunteer their time and are well adapted teens. My son hit a rough patch in November, he broke his arm and went from playing football, rugby and hockey to nothing, and struggle without that outlet. We sat and talked about it, found other activities for him to do, other ways to express himself. Talked about therapy. We do re-visit the idea of therapy every few months, over Christmas my daughter was actually receptive to the idea and wanted to go, my son had his cast off and was back to sports and doesn't.

Maybe I'm cynical but I don't believe love conquers all. For me, widowhood has allowed me to take a look at what I want, whats best for me and I am definitely less flexible than when I was in my 20's. I think you've already looked at what you are willing to compromise on or not. I don't really have any advice, unfortunately this crap isn't for the faint of heart. Good luck.

Jess; I am so sorry you've joined our club no one wants to be in. At 3 weeks everything is still so fresh. Be easy on yourself. Maureen covered most of the advice I'd give so well, eat when you can, sleep when you can. Drink lots of water. My story is fairly similar, my DH went into sudden cardiac arrest while showering, getting ready for work. I performed CPR until the paramedics came too. We later found out even if he had been in a hospital when it happened they wouldn't have been able to revive him. Unfortunately, the medical report wont be available for around 8 months. I'm in Canada too, Toronto area, and learned that our coroners are actually volunteers and can't release the reports until everything is done. The coroner, at least mine, did tell us the cause of death and filled out insurance and other papers for me without the final reports. You also have to actually request the reports, they don't automatically give them to you. People want to make things better for us and unfortunately sometimes say the wrong thing. Even going into year 3, I hate hearing that I'll meet someone new. It doesn't seem like it now, but it will soften, you will smile again, and then maybe cry because you realized you were smiling. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs

Thanks for sharing! Good luck with 15! I think its awesome that you put yourself out there!

Eileen; I get it. I don't talk to my siblings either. My dad passed away in January and I have to admit I'm not upset to not have to deal with them this year. My advice for gift giving, when I did was I insisted we draw names out of a hat for the adults, everyone gets 1 gift, with a dollar value limit. Then I didn't have to buy for all of them when I had no idea who they were and equally receive a bunch of gifts I didn't want, need or like. My kids are older so thankfully school Christmas things are down to a secret santa exchange for both of them. I DO NOT miss all of the hoopla. I'm having a tough time this Christmas and I usually love it. I'm limiting my contact to my DH's best friend's family who have always spent Christmas day and dinner with us and my brother-in-law who is in town from Europe. I just can't do anything else. or rather don't want to, so I'm not.

Great topic, I haven't had any luck either and disabled my profile a couple months ago. My only deal breaker has been young kids or someone that wants them. Mine are 14 and 16 and I am not a fan of young kids, been there done that. I'd love to hear the questions others ask too. I'm terrible at that part, I dislike small talk in general so i struggle with the mundane questions that usually come from online dating.

Oh MACC; I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone! I've had my hulk Mom moments. Hell, I had them before my DH died. It DOES NOT make you a bad mom or a failure. It makes you a MOM. I've had two similar blow ups with my son in the last couple weeks, a good friend said to me fairly bluntly, "It's about time". He had been pushing my limits. It's a terrible balancing act we have to do now without our partners, there is no good cop bad cop, no tag you're it...its your turn to deal. You did the right thing acknowledging your behavior and now you get to start again. This time of year is stressful enough without the added crap from the school. Honestly, I would talk to the school and get to the root of the late and missed assignments. In my opinion, at 9 and with ADHD the school should be working with him and you to help him complete the NEEDED things on time in school! My son has a learning disability and his teachers and I scrapped a lot of the non-learning activities. I didn't have to sign the newsletters etc. They emailed anything I needed home or he took a picture with his I pad and sent it to me and they checked that he had. We used an app called Evernote. Whatever he put in the app I could see in the app on my phone so we could keep track of assignments etc Letting him concentrate more on the actual school work!

Rob; I have no advice or words of encouragement but wanted to you to know I hear you. I didn't understand people very well before being widowed, I understand them even less now. You are a better person than I am. I'm flat out angry at the people that said they'd be there for my kids and have abandoned them. I get I'm a hot mess but that doesn't mean people had to drop my kids like a hot potato. This journey sucks enough for them without losing other adults who were supposed to be a part of their lives. I hope the couple comes. Hugs Nic

MrsDan; My kids are older 16 and 13, and while I don't have a NG per se, I've got a good friend that is here a lot, my kids call him not their step-dad and all our friends think we are together, so I refer to him as not my boyfriend, long story short, he is very active in our lives and frankly has been amazing in helping raise a 13 year old boy and the girl for that matter. Yet I see that pissy attitude come out in them with him, I've only experienced it with their god-parents and toward me. I think its because they are comfortable with him and like to push boundaries. I was on the phone with him Monday and said to DS that NB wants him to stack the wood pile and DS said something along the lines of "Not step dad isn't here so he can't do anything". Not boyfriend came by last night to set DS straight. We were talking about it later and NB commented that my kids treat him like his own do and not to worry so much, kids will be kids. (he had already stacked the wood pile). His point was, they like to push but know not to cross the line. I think all kids push and pull a little, get a little pissy to see where the lines are. I don't like it because I have those two kids other parents rave about and wish their kids were like. Can I help you Mr so and so, please and thank yous.....etc. I drives me a little batty that they save all their good behaviour for school and other people!

The little things get me too; I'm sick, just a head cold/flu, I don't know, I've slept 11 of the past 18 hours and just feel like shit. Thankfully I work from home. I really miss having someone else to make me tea and feed the kids. I just want to mope on the couch and feel sorry for myself. But instead I'm going to have to get up and make dinner.

Not knowing the whole situation, I'd guess he's butthurt. He had a script in his head and you didn't read it off properly. Do you have a boyfriend? No, I'm single, haven't found anyone as good as you. Great! Let's get together! It seems to me he doth protest too much and I'd be surprise if there was a girlfriend. The "Happy Thanksgiving sweetie" seems off to me if he had a fiancee. Who calls another women sweetie if they are engaged. I'm sorry he was cruel to you. You deserve better! Hugs

IMO, every relationship runs the exact same risk of someone getting hurt. Whether you are dating and break up, married and divorce or as we all know to well, by passing away. I don't think a FWB situation is at any greater risk of someone being hurt. In this case, it sounds to me like the friends part of the FWB is taking root and building, and in my experience friendships have always led to the best relationships for me. It sounds like you guys are communicating well and I say go for it and see where it leads!

Imissdow; All I can say is I understand, I think I've put my finger on my off balance feeling; for me it's a lack of new direction, I don't like uncertainty and I feel like I'm just going through the motions without a plan. Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed in the last two years, life marches on but to what end? I hope you find your center again. Hugs

I'm a little over two years out now. and yep definitely went with the "fake it till you make it" approach. In my experience, the first Christmas was really hard (I was only at 3 months then) and have a similar timeline to you. My DH passed Sept 29th, our anniversary was Oct 9, our birthdays the beginning of November. It all sucked. My kids and I have kept a lot of the same traditions and added some of our own. We decided the first year to stay home and hold Christmas dinner here, we invited all of our friends who either didn't have family, or family lives out of town. It's now become a thing, my husband's best friend has remarried and yet I've been told they are still coming here for dinner. Everyone's timeline is a bit different. For me, the first year was just about surviving. Getting through it. I am an introvert, so become a recluse was easy. The second year was about starting to lay out a new normal, re-discovering me, learning to be by myself. I don't really have advice, sorry! I do think I started to reconnect to life midway through the 2nd year. For me, the hardest part is figuring out what's next. Hugs

MB; I could have written a lot of your post. I'm in Canada too and the autopsy took over 8 months to get back, they wouldn't even give me a cause of death. My family doctor requested it as well and couldn't get it. In Ontario, our coroners are part-time, so he advised me to formally request a copy online. I got it shortly after I did. I've renovated my entire house! It started with our room, where he passed away. For me it was a good change, but only you can decide that for you! I chopped all my hair off and lost quite a bit of weight. I agree it was weird when people started commenting on it. It kept running through my head how bad did I look before . There is no guide book to grief. You do you and they can do them!

I'm out in Oakville, but that's why they made the GO! Sunshine; my darling daughter is still wearing flip flops, usually to go to the arena to play hockey! I've already got my winter boots out!

What a mess! Let me start with wow I didn't get the memo that my 16 year old wasn't allowed to watch my son, so I could go out. Good for you for taking time for you and going out with your friends! It's easy to let our lives revolve around our kids and forget to take time for ourselves. My MIL and FIL passed away shortly before my husband so I don't have any experience with that but I agree with Mike. They are hurting and unfortunately seem to have turned that hurt against you. I am so sorry for that. They have no right to judge! I'm not sure why people assume because we are widowed, that we turn into horny teenagers incapable of controlling ourselves around the opposite sex. My husband's bestfriend spends every holiday here while his wife goes home to her family (they live 16 hours aways and have 6 kids between them and can't afford everyone to go, custody etc). Hell, he spends at least one night a week here watching whatever game is on that night because well 6 kids and his wife hates sports. I do think you need to take a deep breathe and leave well enough alone with the in-laws. They are so angry and telling them how you feel, unfortunately won't achieve anything. I am absolutely appalled that your MIL would even mention a judge! I would suggest talking to her cousin and see if you can't arrange a "drop in visit". Maybe before dinner, let the kids see everyone but not have to stay?

Right there with you Canadiangirl. Fuck!

I'm thinking this should go back to the top. Hugs to all who have recently lost someone.

It is exhausting dealing with emotionally unavailable boobs!. And yes it is work to date and get to know someone, and scary as hell, but can be totally worth it if it's the right one! Good luck!

That is so great Trying. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

Canadian Girl; I am so sorry you are dealing with all that crap at one time. Leaks are my absolute least favourite thing to deal with. I'm so thankful I have a contractor for a friend. I'm hoping all of your leaks get plugged soon! Hugs

Fuck that today I'm the same age as him instead of almost 3 years younger Fuck the friend that said well not quite he was almost 44. Yeah by 37 days Not the point Fuck the friends that face timed me on vacation and said I could join them next year if I got a boyfriend. Fuck birthdays